Why do crappy, desperate text msgs scare people off?

[Offspring]

I confess, in the past, i have not conducted myself well: accusatory, desperate text messages etc. i am begging to be loved, and it shows one way or another.

 

Without highlighting the need to be comfortable with yourself and have self respect, what is it about those desperate texts (sometimes too many at once, all times of the day and night) we send, that reveal our heart, that actually scares (or repulses) the other person away?

 

I am actually trying to understand this so that I don't do it again, and have decided NEVER to put anything personal in a text again.

 

Just trying to understand what it is exactly about this that puts the other person off?

 

Thanks

 

[]

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed typo in heading ~6

[DarrenB]

I confess, in the past, i have not conducted myself well: accusatory, desperate text messages etc. i am begging to be loved, and it shows one way or another.

 

Without highlighting the need to be comfortable with yourself and have self respect, what is it about those desperate texts (sometimes too many at once, all times of the day and night) we send, that reveal our heart, that actually scares (or repulses) the other person away?

 

I am actually trying to understand this so that I don't do it again, and have decided NEVER to put anything personal in a text again.

 

Just trying to understand what it is exactly about this that puts the other person off?

 

Thanks

 

Excuse typo in heading.

 

Great question.

 

Personally, due to my own errors in actually doing the above, I feel that it's because in a sense, they want you to be strong enough and dependent on yourself to not be so reliable on them (if that even makes any sense, sorry it's been a long day). Regardless of the outcomes, they want you to be able to handle the situation like they do - it's not very often that they would assume that the B/U or any argument leading up to the ultimate ending would effect you as badly as it may have done. It's a sense of willpower in a way, a sense of willpower to accept reality.

 

For instance, you breakup with your other half, always one of the two people is left more comfortable with how it ended than the other. Usually when this is the case, there's nothing left to salvage from the situation and definitely not anything to build a new foundation of. They'll want to leave it, exactly how they chose to; not for it to be aggravated by the OP.

 

Again, that's where the desperation attributes come in. It's like, think of it from an entirely different perspective. If someone was to do something wrong to you, and then continuously vouch their feelings, regret towards you, how would you feel? It would be quite intimidating no matter what.

 

Then there's just showing no remorse from their behalf. When some people are done, they are done. They do not want to hear any more stories, they do not want to hear anything from you especially. They'll also probably take into account that all these things, you should have been saying before hand, not after the B/U or the chaotic aftermath of whatever had taken place. Maybe it's just they're not in the right process of mind to take on your feelings and sincere apologies and thoughts towards them at that precise point in time. That is often the case; patience is a virtue.

Edited October 15, 2016 by DarrenB

[Offspring]

they want you to be strong enough and dependent on yourself to not be so reliable on them.

 

.........................................................

 

Again, that's where the desperation attributes come in. It's like, think of it from an entirely different perspective.

 

Point 1). Maybe it's an evolutionary thing, people only want to be associated with the strongest and fittest, for their own survival essentially, and seeing this weakness and vulnerability in someone is not fitting. Or, of course, it's just annoying to have your phone dinging all the time.

 

Point 2). I'm thinking of two times when people have done this with me (one, revealing their absolute 'love' for me, or focusing on me cause they had nothing else in their life - that actually turned me off and i'm not sure why. Maybe it relates to self-sufficiency, and point 1); and the second time where a friend (who actually wanted to become more), would pour her emotions out on me, as well as make indirect quips toward me (for not responding quick enough) via text, which really annoyed me: it was intrusive, over-stepped the boundaries, and indirect / passive-aggressive, and passive-aggressiveness is my pet peeve, along with under-handedness.

 

I am just trying to get answers so that i can reflect on my own behaviour and change it in the future. I think i am going to make a whole lot of rules about texting, eg, NO personal messages, NO love stuff (if i am in a relationship), and most importantly, DO NOT respond to antagonism and 'argue'.. It only gives them power.

[niji]

Without highlighting the need to be comfortable with yourself and have self respect, what is it about those desperate texts (sometimes too many at once, all times of the day and night) we send, that reveal our heart, that actually scares (or repulses) the other person away?

 

I am actually trying to understand this so that I don't do it again, and have decided NEVER to put anything personal in a text again.

 

I think it's quite easy to understand if you try to walk in the other person's shoes. Would you like someone to text you 50 times while you're at work, or at home trying to finish some chores, or doing SOMETHING ELSE that doesn't involve talking to them? Text messages are sort of reflective of how one would act in real life. If they text you 50 times nagging, then in real life they could have easily repeat the same sentences 50 times over until they get what they want. The "I want xxx" x 50 starts to get less cute and more annoying after one gets past the age of 3.

 

On a serious note though, nobody wants to be a crutch for anybody else. If my mother texts me 50 times nagging/demanding for attention, I would be very annoyed, and she's one of the few people in life I would never give up on. In a way, desperate text messages scream dependency, much like having a newborn cling to you 24/7, without the baby's cuteness/the hormone bonding parents to the child. Would you like to have a clinging newborn at all times? Apply this to a person who texts desperately.

 

Everyone has their own problems and worries, and trying to live life with some degree of contentment is already difficult no matter who you are. If you're responsible for someone else's happiness too, that adds a HUGE burden, and nobody wants burdens. Everyone is capable of bringing another being happiness, but they shouldn't be responsible for that happiness. One must be responsible for their own happiness, before they can expect to share it with another human being.

[Logo]

I confess, in the past, i have not conducted myself well: accusatory, desperate text messages etc. i am begging to be loved, and it shows one way or another.

 

Without highlighting the need to be comfortable with yourself and have self respect, what is it about those desperate texts (sometimes too many at once, all times of the day and night) we send, that reveal our heart, that actually scares (or repulses) the other person away?

 

I am actually trying to understand this so that I don't do it again, and have decided NEVER to put anything personal in a text again.

 

Just trying to understand what it is exactly about this that puts the other person off?

 

Thanks

 

Excuse typo in heading.

 

 

I think it has to do with weakness. People are scared of weakness. They are attracted to people who are emotionally strong. They don't want to have to be burdened with being some else's psychologist, babysitter, mother, father. That's my take at least.

 

Most people want to be around emotionally strong, happy, motivated, and successful people.

[erklat]

Last week one of my buddies from work asked to see a picture of her. So I dug

a photo that phone synced somewhere in the summer 2013. Also, I found screenshot

of my own desperate texts when she broke my heart. Desperate texts sent to other

people asking for reassurance or advice. Needless to say I was disgusted with what

I became in that moment of my past.

 

Luckily you can be like that only once in a lifetime.

[elaine567]

Because desperate, accusatory, begging, clingy messages at all hours of the day and night, indicate someone who is not in control, who is losing it, who is "crazy".

Mental illness is scary and repulsive to most as the person is unpredictable and may be capable of "anything".

So most want to run away as fast as possible from such a person.

[NuevoYorko]

Aren't you turned off if someone comes at you accusatorially and with desperation? I don't know if there is a way to describe "why" people run from that, but it's probably universal.

 

You can express your feelings, but the accusing and desperation need to be edited.

[basil67]

It's not just text. Back in the olden days, it was quite possible to scare a person off with too many phone calls or letters or turning up at their home/workplace and being all crazy.

 

The thing which is such a turn off is that person doing all this isn't respecting the partner's personal space. That they are dealing with an issue in a very unproductive manner.

 

On the flipside, quite often there is equally poor behaviour on the side of the partner. Back before mobile phones, I left numerous begging messages on the phone of a guy who'd gone MIA. After that experience and some reflection, I would be confident that I wouldn't do it again because a person who goes MIA wouldn't get a second chance with me.

 

In short, if you do this behaviour with most people you date - then the problem is with you and lack of boundaries. However, if it's not a normal thing you do, then it's much more likely that you're reacting to your partner's crazy-making behaviour.

[basil67]

After a bit more thought, I want to offer a different idea to those who are suggesting we are turned of by weakness.

 

Weakness isn't something I really think about. But unnecessary drama is a thing. Numerous crappy desperate texts are unnecessary drama and demonstrate that the person sending them is not the right person to be with if you want a calm, happy relationship.

[Offspring]

That they are dealing with an issue in a very unproductive manner.

 

In short, if you do this behaviour with most people you date - then the problem is with you and lack of boundaries.

 

Yes, it is very unproductive and I am looking at that. Approaching the person for a chat is way more productive.