Are no sex and cheating marriages the norm?

[carnelian]

After reading so many posts in which the husband or wife is not giving sex and the marriage is sexless or one or the other is cheating in some way, I am wondering: is this typical of marriages these days (in U.S. at least)?

Or are these the exceptions, the anomalies that write in with problems.

 

I don't think anyone can know for sure...except for a survey and people would not be honest. Dissatisfied with sex in marriages may be more common than couples care to admit. There must be millions who will never write in to these forums. Or is this a generational issue?

I am curioius.

[ZayKayWill]

A lot of people cheat sadly it seems. I wouldn't really trust stats since there's so many and there's really no way to know if they were being honest about it or not. But then again surveys and research usually are confidential so who knows.

[Shanex]

It is a generational issue, maybe.

 

I don't know about stats, but since half of marriage end up in divorce, why do they usually?

 

Some people stay in their marriage even acknowledging that their spouse cheat, marriage as an institution has been weakened in the second half of the 20th century and affairs engenders divorce more than ever.

 

Before, it existed too, but people are more likely to divorce than 50 years ago. Cheating is a lot easier because of Internet, mobile Internet browsing specifically.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Shanex

[Mr. Lucky]

Or are these the exceptions, the anomalies that write in with problems.

 

This is a website where people come specifically to discuss those types of problems. You're getting a pretty skewed sample...

 

Mr. Lucky

[joseb]

From observing what goes on during after work drinks with married guys, I'd say it's pretty common.

Some behave themselves, most put themselves in compromising positions, one or two just blatantly cheat.

And this is when they are trying to behave in a work setting.

[central]

Many people marry the wrong person, and end up with a sexless marriage as a result, and that often leads to cheating. Especially once kids are in the picture, it is harder to leave, so it seems easier to get your needs met elsewhere while staying "for the kids."

[lucy_in_disguise]

I actually think sexless marriages are probably, across cultures and generations, very common- as are affairs. Historically it was men stepping out- because they could. They didn't have to deal with unwanted pregnancy or the risk of divorce or physical violence, like women.

 

The concept of marrying for love and finding a perfect partner whom you're attracted to and compatible with and will want to have sex with for 60 years at the exclusion of all others- is a relatively new standard. Our expectations for our partners are increasing because we have more options. Birth control and expanded financial opportunities for women mean people don't have to be stuck in "bad" or even mediocre relationships. This is why we have higher divorce rates compared to 200 years ago. But sexless marriages and cheating? As old as time. What's new is people's expectations.

[gaius]

loveshack has it's good qualities but if you're looking for it to be a true representation of what's going on out there you'll be misled. It skews heavily towards dysfunction and sorrow.

 

There are a decent percentage of good relationships/marriages out there but you could probably count the ones around here on one hand.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I actually think sexless marriages are probably, across cultures and generations, very common- as are affairs. Historically it was men stepping out- because they could. They didn't have to deal with unwanted pregnancy or the risk of divorce or physical violence, like women.

 

The concept of marrying for love and finding a perfect partner whom you're attracted to and compatible with and will want to have sex with for 60 years at the exclusion of all others- is a relatively new standard. Our expectations for our partners are increasing because we have more options. Birth control and expanded financial opportunities for women mean people don't have to be stuck in "bad" or even mediocre relationships. This is why we have higher divorce rates compared to 200 years ago. But sexless marriages and cheating? As old as time. What's new is people's expectations.

 

Right....to cover all basis and to avoid a sexless marriage, couples are going the route of polyamory.

[wmacbride]

Honestly,this site isn't exactly a representation of the real world. Saying that it is is like someone viewing a site for herion addicts and assuming that's a an accurate representation of most people.

 

In more general terms, I do feel there has been a cultural shift where people feel entitled. Some feel that they can do as they please, so long as they get what they want. They view anyone who gets hurt as collateral damage.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have been around a while and have been on my own quest/journey/exploration regarding human sexuality and relationships, I've been a member of and participated in countless online forums and sites that have been both sexually driven and as well as sites like LS and have had a ridiculous amount of conversations with all sorts of people of all walks of life both online and in real life and my feeling about the subject is this;

 

There are a LOT of people in very unhappy and unfulfilling relationships. Lots of people put up a great show for the outside world but reality is quite different behind closed doors. I certainly was one of those people.

 

That's not to say they ALL resort to cheating or at least not in the conventional sense but with the accessibility and anonymity which online provides anymore, there are many, MANY people (both men and women) who find their release in one form or another virtually. A means of coping since many are afraid of leaving/breaking up because of children, finances, etc.

 

What constitutes 'cheating'? Do you have to bump uglies for it be an official betrayal? I suppose that would depend on each person individually since everyone has their own definition for it.

 

Regardless, I pray that it's not necessarily the 'norm' but evidence from my own crude exploration seems to indicate that far too many couples aren't living as happily-ever-after as they appear to be.

[Gaeta]

The statistics have not changed much over the years.

 

17% of divorces are caused by cheating

50% of women will cheat at least once

68% of men will cheat at least once

 

There are the stories you'll hear here, and there are the tons of other stories you won't hear about because couples are just happy and don't have a presence online.

 

I am trying to think of someone around me that was cheated on and no ones comes to mind except for my story.

[carhill]

After reading so many posts in which the husband or wife is not giving sex and the marriage is sexless or one or the other is cheating in some way, I am wondering: is this typical of marriages these days (in U.S. at least)?

They're typical marital issues and people with relationship issues or problems or hurts tend to wish help with them or discuss them and online forums are one venue.

Or are these the exceptions, the anomalies that write in with problems.

IME, most of the stuff discussed on LS mirrors real life. Is everyone directly impacted? IMO, no, though most of us stand a high risk of encountering some sort of relationship problem, even a serious one, at one point or another in a hopefully very long and otherwise healthy and happy life.

I don't think anyone can know for sure...except for a survey and people would not be honest. Dissatisfied with sex in marriages may be more common than couples care to admit. There must be millions who will never write in to these forums. Or is this a generational issue?

I am curioius.

 

You're right, IMO, no one can know for sure because we can't read other people's minds. However, we can look at independently verifiable records that reflect people's actions and perspectives; one often quoted is the divorce rate, which applies to people who legally form partnerships, ostensibly out of love for each other.

 

People can be dissatisfied with many aspects of relationships; sure, sex can be one. Intimacy can be one. Money can be one. Religion can be one. Children can be one. Fidelity can be one. On and on. Sometimes relationships end for no reason other than one or the other partner wants it to end. We'll never know because we can't read their mind.

 

In the meantime, discussion continues.

[BluEyeL]

Cheating is often not about having or not having enough sex. There are multiple reasons for it.

[Miss Peach]

From observing what goes on during after work drinks with married guys, I'd say it's pretty common.

Some behave themselves, most put themselves in compromising positions, one or two just blatantly cheat.

And this is when they are trying to behave in a work setting.

 

This has been my experience at work too. I've had a number of married guys try to start affairs at work. The saddest for me has been a guy who it on me with a pregnant wife and a newborn. And he didn't just try to hit on me - he tried to kiss me in the elevator out of no where.

 

The concept of marrying for love and finding a perfect partner whom you're attracted to and compatible with and will want to have sex with for 60 years at the exclusion of all others- is a relatively new standard. Our expectations for our partners are increasing because we have more options. Birth control and expanded financial opportunities for women mean people don't have to be stuck in "bad" or even mediocre relationships. This is why we have higher divorce rates compared to 200 years ago. But sexless marriages and cheating? As old as time. What's new is people's expectations.

 

One of my good friends is twice my age and raised in Europe. We talk about this a lot because when he was a kid it was expected that the spouses would have affairs. Also, most marriages now aren't really a social contract like they were in the 1950s.

 

I read somewhere most divorces are initiated by women which would support this opinion. Also being more socially acceptable is another reason IMO.

[BluesPower]

I don't know the answer, but I can tell you this. Nothing kills a marriage faster than no sex or bad sex in a marriage.

 

When my wife's addiction was at its worst and she was just not "There" so to speak, the sex just stopped. I mean she was not awake enough to have sex much less sober enough.

 

I put up with that crap for about 5 minutes and I was out the door getting laid.

[SammySammy]

If infidelity and sexless marriages are "normal", that doesn't mean we have to accept it. Things other people do can be irrelevant in our relationships.