Horribly insecure with new girlfriend post divorce

[m1ke11]

I divorced after 22 years of marriage. She cheated on me in a particular ugly fashion.

 

I was devastated for a bit then woke up one morning looking to the future and excited that I could start fresh. I started dated before the divorce was even final. This was last February and the divorce was final in March.

 

I did a good job meeting women and had some good times. Then I met one that really was a lot of fun to be with. It started out great and a month later we were exclusive. Fast forward and we were in Costa Rica together. Now we are talking about living together.

 

Here is the problem. I'm insecure as hell. She is super friendly, outgoing and has a beautiful personality. I am having problems believing that she loves me. She shows me she does in so many ways. We have an amazing time together.

 

My insecurity makes me treat her like a queen. And makes me miserable when she isn't around. I have a lot going for me, I know, but I can't allow myself to believe she loves me.

 

Example: financially she is a wreck. I offer security as a home owner and zero debt. I tell myself this is why she is with me.... if I were broke she wouldn't be interested. We go a day without seeing each other and I think she's cheating on me. She doesn't want to come as much anymore as she used to.... I tell myself that I'm not sexy to her anymore....She has moved around a lot... lending to my insecurity.

 

 

How do I cope? These negative thoughts make me miserable inside. Is this fallout from my X cheating on me?

 

I need advice on how to get my self esteem back....

[basil67]

I'm sorry I can't address your insecurity issues.

 

But be careful about taking on someone who's a financial wreck. If she was given poor financial advice, got caught in a falling real estate market or was scammed, then it's probably not so much of a problem. But if the situation is one of her own making, proceed with caution. Money issues cause the demise of many a relationship.

[m1ke11]

I'm sorry I can't address your insecurity issues.

 

But be careful about taking on someone who's a financial wreck. If she was given poor financial advice, got caught in a falling real estate market or was scammed, then it's probably not so much of a problem. But if the situation is one of her own making, proceed with caution. Money issues cause the demise of many a relationship.

 

Not so much. This is someone whom I've got a ton of sympathy for though. Tough teen years, homeless, managed to get stabil enough to put herself through a BA at UofO, and is now a teacher. Albeit not a certified teacher so she doesn't make much. She is going to get her masters this year.

 

Put it this way.... I have a lot of respect for where she's been.... she has grown more then I have through life. Everyone needs a break and at 40 she is just now finding hers.

[BluesPower]

I kind of look at it this way. Maybe you should too.

 

I feel like if a woman wants to be with me fine, I am good with that. If she doesn't that is fine too.

 

I am a good guy, not bad looking, good in the sack, there are literally thousands of women out there. Really they are a dime a dozen just like men.

 

One may leave, and there are many to take their place. I tried not to fall in love though, it is hard sometimes.

 

After 22 years of marriage, and a cheating wife, I can understand how you may feel. But the fact it that you are a desirable man, financially secure, free, experienced. You have a lot going for your. You need to realize that.

 

Women can come and go, just protect yourself and your heart.

 

Over time, one will come along and you will know, until then, just have fun and believe in yourself.

 

BUT, do not get married. Just enjoy life.

[m1ke11]

I kind of look at it this way. Maybe you should too.

 

I feel like if a woman wants to be with me fine, I am good with that. If she doesn't that is fine too.

 

I am a good guy, not bad looking, good in the sack, there are literally thousands of women out there. Really they are a dime a dozen just like men.

 

One may leave, and there are many to take their place. I tried not to fall in love though, it is hard sometimes.

 

After 22 years of marriage, and a cheating wife, I can understand how you may feel. But the fact it that you are a desirable man, financially secure, free, experienced. You have a lot going for your. You need to realize that.

 

Women can come and go, just protect yourself and your heart.

 

Over time, one will come along and you will know, until then, just have fun and believe in yourself.

 

BUT, do not get married. Just enjoy life.

 

Thanks man..... good advice. I can't explain why I tell myself these negative things.... because I do remember that dating went well for me back in February. I need to keep that in mind. Some of the women I dated were more physically attractive then the one I fell in love with. They didn't have that amazing personality though...

Edited October 16, 2016 by m1ke11

[RyanO1991]

I'm 25 and have only had one serious long term relationship so probably not the best person to give advice, but for what it's worth follow your instincts.

 

If you're worried, take it slowly. I personally think being upfront and having honest conversations works wonders.

[Bialy]

Your insecurities might ruin a potentially good relationship.

[m1ke11]

Your insecurities might ruin a potentially good relationship.

 

For sure.... they have already stressed the relationship.

[Marc878]

The one thing a relationship needs to be balanced @ 50/50. If you do too much you can lose repect and be taken advantage of.

 

Rebounds rarely work out don't be afraid to end this. Good guys are a commodity. Know your value

[m1ke11]

The one thing a relationship needs to be balanced @ 50/50. If you do too much you can lose repect and be taken advantage of.

 

Rebounds rarely work out don't be afraid to end this. Good guys are a commodity. Know your value

 

For sure. I wondered if I were rebounding early on so I looked it up. From what I know anyway rebounds rarely work because the divorcee is critical of the new flame because they are comparing them to their X.

 

I'm in the opposite position. This person has educated me and shown me all the reasons my 22 year marriage sucked....in other words I'm learning how a relationship should be.

 

I will also tell you that I am so over my X. Typing this would be the first time I've thought about her all day and maybe yesterday too.

 

So rebound? I dunno for sure but I'm willing to hear opinions.

[TooRational]

There's no simple fix for insecurities. Your partner understanding and a bit of reassurance can go a long way. I suggest reading the book Attached by Levine as it talks extensively about the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Hopefully your partner has the secure attachment style. If so, it can be made to work but you have to actively work on taming these insecurities with the tips in the book.

 

Your analysis about rebound also matches what I read but you're missing one important aspect. Since you rebounded so fast, you didn't learn how to live by yourself alone. You might be unconsciously scared to lose your lover and have to be alone. That's why it's probably wise to be alone for a while after a divorce, simply to prove to yourself that you can be happy like that. Then you don't make your new partner solely responsible for your happiness.

 

But I get it. I've been exactly in your shoes. Long marriage, rebounded quite quickly 3 months after separation. Found this amazing girl and I was very insecure. For once I was happy in a relationship and I didn't want to lose her. My insecurities was unfortunately the demise of that relationship.

 

It might be counter intuitive because I bet you wanna spend as much time as possible with her, but you gotta detach somewhat. You need to have your own separate activities and friends so that you can find happiness elsewhere too. Then your relationship won't be the sole source of your happiness and that might help with insecurities somewhat.

 

But hey, what do I know. I screwed this up...

Edited October 21, 2016 by TooRational

[M1ke12]

There's no simple fix for insecurities. Your partner understanding and a bit of reassurance can go a long way. I suggest reading the book Attached by Levine as it talks extensively about the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Hopefully your partner has the secure attachment style. If so, it can be made to work but you have to actively work on taming these insecurities with the tips in the book.

 

Your analysis about rebound also matches what I read but you're missing one important aspect. Since you rebounded so fast, you didn't learn how to live by yourself alone. You might be unconsciously scared to lose your lover and have to be alone. That's why it's probably wise to be alone for a while after a divorce, simply to prove to yourself that you can be happy like that. Then you don't make your new partner solely responsible for your happiness.

 

But I get it. I've been exactly in your shoes. Long marriage, rebounded quite quickly 3 months after separation. Found this amazing girl and I was very insecure. For once I was happy in a relationship and I didn't want to lose her. My insecurities was unfortunately the demise of that relationship.

 

It might be counter intuitive because I bet you wanna spend as much time as possible with her, but you gotta detach somewhat. You need to have your own separate activities and friends so that you can find happiness elsewhere too. Then your relationship won't be the sole source of your happiness and that might help with insecurities somewhat.

 

But hey, what do I know. I screwed this up...

 

Hey this might be the best peice of advice I've seen on this forum yet. Thanks man.

 

Ironically that's exactly what I've been working on. I'm messaging her a lot less and doing my own things.... it's only been a week or so but I can feel some strength coming in. What's helping is thinking about before we met. I was single and happy and had no issues dating. So like the massively overused statement says.... there are a lot of fish in the sea. I've got a ton going for me.

 

Thanks again!

[M1ke12]

Also we've been together 8 months. It's high time that I learn how to relax.

[TooRational]

Thanks for the kind words. Also, as always, communitication is key. Talking about the fact that you have insecurities to your gf and telling her that you're actively trying to improve on that might be a good thing. When she notices that you're texting less, she might correctly conclude that it's part of your plan. Otherwise, she might wrongly conclude that you're less into her all of a sudden.

 

If your gf is the dismissive-avoidant type, then openly talking about insecurities will probably push her away. Which might not be a bad thing because relationships between anxious and avoidant rarely work out so it might be better to end it early. If she's secure, then she might be able to support you through that process rather than flea.

 

Lastly, apparently one proven way to change your anxiety type towards secure is by using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBD). There are therapists who specialize in that kind of therapy.