Dealing with abuse from years ago as a child

[Regretful one]

Hello.

 

I have a story that would take an hour to read so rather than spill it all Ill simply spew a bit which is long enough. Looking for input.

 

Background:

Now in my early 40s. Mom was 15 when she had me and she and Dad were no longer together after about the age of 6 months. Mom (and Dad) were both heavy drinkers and drug addicts. My first memory (guessing I was around age 5) was my mom being taken by ambulance after an overdose. I recall being left alone for long periods of time. No siblings no nothing off and on for parts of my early childhood. I recall being hit by more than one of the many men in her life. I also recall at one point being forced to undress and do unspeakable things with a female cousin of mine when I was around 6 or 7. Im pretty sure the man forcing us to do this had a camera he was using as well. To my knowledge (or memory of) I was never raped by any of these men but I think this would be considered abuse and neglect. I know this pales in comparison to what many have suffered through but it did have an impact on me.

 

Fast forward:

My mom got clean around the age of 8. She married an alcoholic guy who became one of my 4 step dads. While not terribly abusive I do recall getting kicked a few times and verbally bashed often. As time went on he would fall off the wagon and he would beat on my mom. He would have near death car accidents. We would lose everything and be homeless for periods of time. Fast forward some more and they eventually divorced. By the age of 10 or so I became fairly self sufficient of taking care of myself and I just suppressed my past and chalked it up to a poor childhood that many people deal with.

 

As more time went by I dealt with my past by not thinking about it at all and in some ways just "forgetting" it all. I managed to go to college. Get married and have a career. Life was pretty good. Over time it seemed that I had some issues creep into my life. Many insecurities, LOTS of self hate (for years I feared I was the Anti-Christ - literally). I didn't do bad things. Didn't rebel just thought I was a really bad person. I found bits of happiness when someone would be impressed by me or seem to think I was something special. My wife was/is an amazing person and I completely lucked out with her. She came from the seemingly "perfect family".

 

More time went by. While a good Father to my kids and a decent husband I still battled with the self hate and insecurities. I (THANKFULLY) never turned to alcohol or drugs. But I unfortunately found that talking to women online would make me feel better about myself (as they would often hang on every word and be enamored with me). Then I crossed the line one night after uncharacteristically drinking to much. There were other stresses going on in my life as well but I had a one night stand affair 17 years into my marriage. This filled me full of guilt and just added to my self hate. Promised myself Id never do it again... yet again found myself talking to women online and about 4 months ago having another affair.

 

my affair/separation story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/597720-praying-reconciliation

 

There was a bit of a downward spiral at this point in time and I (thankfully) finally sought counseling. Then had to finally admit to what I went through as a kid. I had never talked about it to anyone not even my wife that I recall although she knows of issues my mother had/has as she still battles addiction except now its pain meds. It was eye opening and I finally had some understanding of why I felt the way I did about myself. This led to me confessing everything to my wife and to a current separation. I am now doing a lot work on myself. And it is all VERY good. My marriage looks as if it will be saved (God willing) but thats a whole other topic as I know and realize that what I have done to my wife is in affect a form of abuse all to itself.

 

I am getting a lot of therapy with my therapist that again is extremely helpful and I feel SO much better about life in general. But Im now looking to hear from others who have a similar experience. Im looking for a success story perhaps. Someone who has had these similar insecurities and self hate and family origin issues that has worked through them and are thriving. Have you been able to put those things behind you? I don't have any real support other than my therapist at the moment as Im the scum of the earth guy who betrayed my amazing wife. Most of our friends and family (95% which is her family) think poorly of me (and rightfully so). Thoughts and your stories are appreciated.

 

Sorry for the long post.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Regretful one

[turnera]

First, to try to get people to trust or respect you again, go to everyone, admit what you did, apologize for hurting her, and tell them that you're going to work hard to earn, if not forgiveness, then at least acceptance that you might be an ok person. And then spend the next couple of years turning everything around. Think about others, volunteer somewhere, stay in therapy, and just keep moving forward.

[Regretful one]

First, to try to get people to trust or respect you again, go to everyone, admit what you did, apologize for hurting her, and tell them that you're going to work hard to earn, if not forgiveness, then at least acceptance that you might be an ok person. And then spend the next couple of years turning everything around. Think about others, volunteer somewhere, stay in therapy, and just keep moving forward.

 

Yes I am doing all of those things. Its a process for sure as outlined in my other thread.

 

I was hoping to hear from others who have had to deal with child abuse and are now adults. How those things impacted them now. Maybe this isn't the right forum for that and if not I apologize.

[dreamingoftigers]

I find it just invited a ton more abuse into my life and I have felt absolutely unlovable.

 

The irony is, I don't feel better now because I feel "lovable."

 

I just stopped caring if I was "lovable" or not.

 

It's just like another crushed dream. They happen. We move on.

[Regretful one]

I find it just invited a ton more abuse into my life and I have felt absolutely unlovable.

 

The irony is, I don't feel better now because I feel "lovable."

 

I just stopped caring if I was "lovable" or not.

 

It's just like another crushed dream. They happen. We move on.

 

Sorry to hear that you had to just deal with more abuse afterward. I guess Ive been fortunate there in that I haven't really ever experienced abuse beyond my childhood.

 

Have you been to therapy to help deal with the things that happened to you when you were young?

[turnera]

What my therapist told me when I described my childhood was 'so you were taught from day one to shut up, never ask for anything, never complain, and make sure everyone else is happy. Which is exactly who you are today. But it is unsustainable. Because you ARE valuable, you ARE beautiful, you ARE worth just as much as the next person. But only you can do the work to teach yourself that. Nobody else.'

[darkmoon]

am abused but over it, more or less, I hope

 

stop working against your own best interests as an adult, put yourself first, never get trashed again

[Mz. Pixie]

I have been where you are in ways.

 

Here is the real answer- you have an internal hole resulting from what happened to you as a child.

 

You can seek to fill that hole up with drugs, alcohol, work, any number of things- you have been choosing to fill it up with less harmful things as far as your health. I did this too.

 

I do not have feelings of being less than, however. I did used to feel that I never got enough love no matter what I did. I needed it so badly because I missed out on it in my childhood.

 

Until you deal with what has happened to you in the past- the hole will still be there. It's kinda like how you meet addicts and there is always some trauma there? Yours is just more socially acceptable. Honestly, for me personally, I find that hole is a God sized hole and only He can fill it.

 

Research male survivors of sexual abuse- you are not alone.

 

I still struggle sometimes with feeling that I do not have enough love, but I have to realize that is something within me personally and not something that is resulting from my partner not trying to meet my needs. I can either blow what I have by acting out or I can devote myself to other healthier things.

 

I am so sorry that these things happened to you.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh and I would say I'm pretty successful now. Great kids, great relationship, faith family that loves me, a great job.

 

It doesn't affect me every day, it doesn't go away, but I really wouldn't want it to. It turned me into who I am, and I'm really ok with that.