With MM, Do actions REALLY speak louder than words?!

[imperfectangel]

Another post made me think about this a bit more... Everyone always says actions speak louder than words - but do they really?

 

My mm "says"he loves me, will always want me thinks about me all the time etc BUT can't leave because of kids (we're long distance) and he can't afford to live alone. The latter I actually believe I know many people that work full time yet can't afford to live alone. He genuinely would hardly see his kids. Both seem valid reasons to me.

 

But if you're genuinely constantly thinking about your ow/om are you (mm/mw) fully in the marriage? The actions of the mm (in my case) have him physically with his wife but if mentally they're elsewhere, and never really "in" the moment at home always seeming distant/distracted living in their heads etc doesn't that mean more than "actions"?

 

for mm/mw that pine for their other for years,(and I think this is more common than people think) does his physical actions of being with the spouse really count for much if he/she is never really "there"?

[Cloudcuckoo]

I think it's difficult to gauge how much someone is thinking of you when apart really.

 

You hear that person 'say' they miss you...etc., but those really are just words in a situation like yours perfectangel. Not much help I know, but the reality isn't it?

 

Actions speak a different language don't they? I don't think you'll ever know what really goes on in your married man's home/marriage/life in any useful, concrete way.

 

You hear what he tells you but you don't 'see' what's behind it.

 

And men particularly, are very good at compartmentalising their lives, so it's most likely that he is genuine at home with his wife/family/job (as much as someone involved in an affair can be) and is genuinely involved in his conversations with you.

 

I think probably the most important thing about the married man's actions is that they mean he has no intention of doing anything that spoils his fun....that is until it all blows up in his face.

[starswewillnavigate]

I actually think both his reasons sound plausible (maybe I'm gullible?) I think it would be hard for any parent to walk away from their children. Dependent on where he is (you say you're long distance - is he in England as well?), you know rent prices can be crazy here, especially in the SE, especially if he had to pay maintenance as well.

 

But as you say, if he's mentally not there for his family and pining after you, he's shortchanging everyone involved in the long run. Maybe he is happy with the set up? How long have you both been together and how often do you see each other?

[starswewillnavigate]

I think it's difficult to gauge how much someone is thinking of you when apart really.

 

You hear that person 'say' they miss you...etc., but those really are just words in a situation like yours perfectangel. Not much help I know, but the reality isn't it?

 

Actions speak a different language don't they? I don't think you'll ever know what really goes on in your married man's home/marriage/life in any useful, concrete way.

 

You hear what he tells you but you don't 'see' what's behind it.

 

And men particularly, are very good at compartmentalising their lives, so it's most likely that he is genuine at home with his wife/family/job (as much as someone involved in an affair can be) and is genuinely involved in his conversations with you.

 

I think probably the most important thing about the married man's actions is that they mean he has no intention of doing anything that spoils his fun....that is until it all blows up in his face.

 

I think this is the case with most MM, despite what they say otherwise.

[Allycat1974]

I am def in the gullible boat....

 

Even when my brain starts to wander and have doubts about my MM.... I will randomly get a call or txt...

 

 

So I'm guilty of believing

[elaine567]

I think is is all "OW speak" and probably not really based on reality,

"He loves me soooo much, but he HAS to be elsewhere with his wife and kids"

He doesn't HAVE to be elsewhere, he CHOOSES to be elsewhere, and that throws this great "love" theory into the garbage bin frankly.

 

He SAYS he loves you and is always thinking of you, but his ACTIONS in staying at home with his wife and kids tell a different story.

YOU have only his word for it that he is always thinking of you and pining for you - those words are however so easy to say.

 

"imperfectangel, I love you, I am always thinking of you and I am pining for you when I am at home with my wife and kids..." - not difficult to say is it?

Just because he says it, doesn't make it true.

The difficult part would be to leave said wife and kids and that isn't happening is it?

 

He is spreading himself too thinly here, and so not only are you unhappy with the arrangement, I guess his wife and kids are suffering too, as they usually do when a man is conducting an affair.

[Chica80]

Well...I only know my experience...

My xH said he loved me. That I was the love of his life. That he would do anything for me. But his actions...his actions didn't always reflect that. His actions many times showed I was an extension of him. That he loved me as long as I "performed" and "behaved" how he wanted.

 

MM has never said he loves me. His actions....It is 1230 am where I am. I am working on a paper for school. I have my kids this weekend so daytime is with them, night time is for mom to work on homework and projects. I had been working on my project. We were texting. Something happened with my paper, I was just about to turn it in it was all screwed up. Somehow when I saved it it got messed up. Anyway I'm exhausted now crying because the last hour of wrk I just spent is gone. He tells me its ok work on what you can but get rest you need sleep (I don't do very well when I lack sleep) I'm so angry frustrated exhausted. I say good night I'm going to shower and get back to working on paper.

 

When I come out of shower I have a message. Its the diagram I had lost. Its done fixed. (he had to do it over, but he is so much better at comp stuff).

Its 1 am now. He could be in bed sleeping or say oh well good luck.

 

Is this love? I don't know maybe?

But I can tell you in that moment I definitely wanted to scream I love you!! Thank you for understanding me, supporting me and understanding how "I work"

[dubliner]

Another post made me think about this a bit more... Everyone always says actions speak louder than words - but do they really?

 

My mm "says"he loves me, will always want me thinks about me all the time etc BUT can't leave because of kids (we're long distance) and he can't afford to live alone. The latter I actually believe I know many people that work full time yet can't afford to live alone. He genuinely would hardly see his kids. Both seem valid reasons to me.

 

But if you're genuinely constantly thinking about your ow/om are you (mm/mw) fully in the marriage? The actions of the mm (in my case) have him physically with his wife but if mentally they're elsewhere, and never really "in" the moment at home always seeming distant/distracted living in their heads etc doesn't that mean more than "actions"?

 

for mm/mw that pine for their other for years,(and I think this is more common than people think) does his physical actions of being with the spouse really count for much if he/she is never really "there"?

 

The 'actions speak louder' statement is very true in context, that is if your MM is saying one thing yet doing another, as in he'll leave his M and is not taking action, or he is saying his M is over but still having date nights/holidays etc with BS. Etc

Someone can love another yet not chose to be with them, for many many reasons. Life isn't about one person, it's a combination of people and circumstances many with equal importance.

The question is not whether he is being truthful in his declaration of love, but if Love on these terms is enough for you. If it's not then it's time to move on without him.

[starswewillnavigate]

Sunshine - if not love, he has enough feelings for you of "taking care" and being concerned for your well being.

[elaine567]

When I come out of shower I have a message. Its the diagram I had lost. Its done fixed. (he had to do it over, but he is so much better at comp stuff).

To be frank he is good with computers, the diagram was a nice little "puzzle" for him to complete, so he did it.

He gets kudos for helping you and kudos for appearing clever.

 

It probably didn't take much thought or effort and a co worker would have probably done the same for you, to far less acclaim

 

Is it helpful and nice? Yes it is.

Is it "love"? Maybe, maybe not.

[Jersey born raised]

Sunshinechia,

 

I would simply do that for a friend, regardless of gender. Others would do it to to gain something, for a reward. The effort given always with the expectation the award will outweigh the effort.

 

Don't confuse the two motivations. One is to get the a person to a better place, the other to keep them locked in place.

[Chica80]

To be frank he is good with computers, the diagram was a nice little "puzzle" for him to complete, so he did it.

He gets kudos for helping you and kudos for appearing clever.

 

It probably didn't take much thought or effort and a co worker would have probably done the same for you, to far less acclaim

 

Is it helpful and nice? Yes it is.

Is it "love"? Maybe, maybe not.

 

I agree.... Maybe its not. And yes for him it took prob 15 minutes what for me took over an hour.

But this is not a single incident. This is not something that is unlike him. Do I think this means he loves me is going to leave and we are going to ride off into the sunset happily ever after...NO.

 

To me this says you care about me, You care about what is important to me, And when I need your help you come through.

Like I said this is not a single incident and it's not just with "projects" that are easy for him.

[Chica80]

Sunshinechia,

 

I would simply do that for a friend, regardless of gender. Others would do it to to gain something, for a reward. The effort given always with the expectation the award will outweigh the effort.

 

Don't confuse the two motivations. One is to get the a person to a better place, the other to keep them locked in place.

 

Yes I agree.

Friend he does things I would do for a friend. That friends would do for eachother. And he has shown up when "friends" haven't....

[elaine567]

Don't confuse the two motivations. One is to get the a person to a better place, the other to keep them locked in place.

 

That is a very good point.

[imsosad]

Well, another way to look at it is to ask:

Angel, what did it cost you to maintain the affair? What did you sacrifice?

What did it cost him? What did he sacrifice?

I would add a further question. Did your life progress during the A? Did his?

Thinking about an AP is not an action,in my eyes. In any event, it's not disrupting his life enough to motivate him to.make changes. Maybe he doesnt want to change anything.

3 hours is the deal breaker? How about him moving halfway? I think it's too technical an explaination and it's keeping you from closure.

Idk,angel. His choice is hard to accept, I get it. I dont think that "im thinking about you" is enough. Those are just words, they dont measure up to taking action to stop missing you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My experience is that you will find out how much you mean to him if/when his wife finds out. In most people's experiences both the actions and words will show how you meant less than nothing.

[aileD]

Yes. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

You both could get an apartment together. $ Problem solved.

 

You don't know he's really thinking of you all the time. That's just what he SAYS. How do you know this is true?

 

OW actions speak louder than words too. OW can tell him you love him and want him to leave his wife but if OW continue to let him have he best of both worlds, thenbyour axtions say it's ok to keep you on the side .

 

You can say you want to lose weight. It it's not going to make it true unless you exercise and eat healthy..and if you don't exercise and eat healthy then it begs the question---do YOU REALLY have the desire to lose weight or is it just something that sounds ideal to you?

[Forever broken]

My experience is that you will find out how much you mean to him if/when his wife finds out. In most people's experiences both the actions and words will show how you meant less than nothing.

 

 

You perfectly nailed it MidnightBlue. Once the betrayed spouse finds out then you will know how much he loves you. Until then it's all talks and no action.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Another post made me think about this a bit more... Everyone always says actions speak louder than words - but do they really?

 

My mm "says"he loves me, will always want me thinks about me all the time etc BUT can't leave because of kids (we're long distance) and he can't afford to live alone. The latter I actually believe I know many people that work full time yet can't afford to live alone. He genuinely would hardly see his kids. Both seem valid reasons to me.

 

But if you're genuinely constantly thinking about your ow/om are you (mm/mw) fully in the marriage? The actions of the mm (in my case) have him physically with his wife but if mentally they're elsewhere, and never really "in" the moment at home always seeming distant/distracted living in their heads etc doesn't that mean more than "actions"?

 

for mm/mw that pine for their other for years,(and I think this is more common than people think) does his physical actions of being with the spouse really count for much if he/she is never really "there"?

 

True, these 'reasons' may be valid, but as I mentioned in another post, if the potential loss of kids, money, status, character or lord knows what else, then WHY risk everything for some cheap validation? This goes for MM and MW but more MW (from what I've read) will take the leap and leave the M for her MM.

 

If the WS holds so much currency in their M/family life, then why tell countless lies to their BS and AP to get selfish needs met. So much pain to so many people. Irrepairable damage.

[Cloudcuckoo]

True, these 'reasons' may be valid, but as I mentioned in another post, if the potential loss of kids, money, status, character or lord knows what else, then WHY risk everything for some cheap validation? This goes for MM and MW but more MW (from what I've read) will take the leap and leave the M for her MM.

 

If the WS holds so much currency in their M/family life, then why tell countless lies to their BS and AP to get selfish needs met. So much pain to so many people. Irrepairable damage.

 

That's the easy part...because he's so full of himself he thinks his shenanigans will NEVER be discovered!

[imperfectangel]

All these answers have been great, TBH I was asking in general and just used my mm as a example. We are still in LC. I sincerely doubt we'll ever see each other ever again, unless he leaves which I doubt will ever happen.

 

Even my mm aside do you ever think there's any reason that do really justify why they don't leave? A poorly bs perhaps?

 

I don't even know why I'm thinking like this. I guess it's just part of accepting the end of what you thought would be so much more

[Midwestmissy]

They're special - only losers get caught. Thinking about the possible bad consequences cuts into sexy time, so they tell themselves that they will not be caught. People who consider the consequences or pain they may cause are the people who don't cheat. When my teenager screamed at my husband "I'll be out of the house soon, but how could you do this to the babies?" Was proof that a 16 yr old had more forethought than my wh. The look on wh face was complete and utter shock - how come he was having these bad consequences? Absolutely stunned because none of it had even crossed his mind.

[minimariah]

it's hard to know what is REALLY going on in a couple's marriage - even when everything seems super transparent - so it's hard to comment on THAT part.

 

WORDS -- ACTIONS. i believe that... in the end... actions are the only part worth paying attention to. simply because (logically) we benefit EXCLUSIVELY from actions. for example: your MM's words might be kind... he might be totally unhappy at home. his reasons for staying married might be totally legit. but at the end of the day... it's ALL useless to you IF you want to be with the man (live with him). words are a temporary comfort but what you REALLY want isn't happening.

 

also - there is a difference between MMs who cannot leave and aren't doing anything about it OR dig themselves even deeper... and between MMs who have some kind of plan or just a future goal set and working towards making it into a reality. if your MM tells you he loves you and wants to be with you but can't leave because of the kids or long distance... and then he ends up having ANOTHER kid + moves even farther away or buys another home for the family... then his words lose on its value. so the "words VS actions" also refers to the time between the affair and the possible exit - what happens DURING that time... if a MM has good exit strategy, seeks help to exit his marriage, seeks support... if he is careful NOT to have another child, if he already knows how to deal with the long distance... if he is trying to actively come up with a solution, works on it... then that might be a sign that his words are or will be accompanied with his actions.

 

it comes down to what is enough for you -- if it's good enough knowing that he truly loves you but that you won't move on from the affair... then that's what it is. words speak louder than his actions. if it isn't and if you'd like to have a good relationship and life together with him at some point...? then him not having a plan and moving out of his marriage is a BIG problem and in that case - his words aren't louder than his actions.

 

it's very individual. i've read some stories on here when the MM left after a long period of time (5 years or even a decade of the affair) and power to them -- but to ME, personally? that is not how i would imagine a happy ending, a happy story. i'd feel bitter and drained after so much time. different strokes for different folks.

[anika99]

Another post made me think about this a bit more... Everyone always says actions speak louder than words - but do they really?

 

My mm "says"he loves me, will always want me thinks about me all the time etc BUT can't leave because of kids (we're long distance) and he can't afford to live alone. The latter I actually believe I know many people that work full time yet can't afford to live alone. He genuinely would hardly see his kids. Both seem valid reasons to me.

 

But if you're genuinely constantly thinking about your ow/om are you (mm/mw) fully in the marriage? The actions of the mm (in my case) have him physically with his wife but if mentally they're elsewhere, and never really "in" the moment at home always seeming distant/distracted living in their heads etc doesn't that mean more than "actions"?

 

for mm/mw that pine for their other for years,(and I think this is more common than people think) does his physical actions of being with the spouse really count for much if he/she is never really "there"?

 

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you are misinterpreting that saying. Thinking isn't an action. Your MM goes home to his wife everyday which is an action. If I had appendicitis and my surgeon told me he thought about my condition everyday and fantasizes about removing my appendix all the time, what possible good does that do me? If at the same he's regaling me with tales of how much he thinks about me, he's actually performing surgery on other patients does it help me to know that he was thinking about me the whole time? Is my condition somehow improved because I believe that my surgeon's heart really isn't saving others people's lives when he's spending all day thinking about my appendix?

 

Also men don't spend their days thinking about a woman...lol. Especially a woman they already have.

[Cloudcuckoo]

 

Even my mm aside do you ever think there's any reason that do really justify why they don't leave? A poorly bs perhaps?

 

 

None at all...there are actually some truly despicable, vile individuals who leave spouses at the most critical times in their lives because they aren't capable of caring at that level of crisis, and that's general, not necessarily in the affair situation.

 

Some human beings don't even deserve THAT title frankly...