LifeLearner Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) I'm a 22 year old female...and I consider myself fairly sexually active. Well, I did. I started dating my husband in 2014 and we just got married in March of 2016. Our sex life as never been really active. It was enough that I didn't complain, let's say maybe three times every 3 or 4 months. But ever since last year it has just completely plummeted. Like I'm talking maybe once every 6 months or so. I haven't had sex with my husband since November or December of 2015. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I guess you could say we had sex 2 months ago but it was literally FIVE minutes and he didn't even finish so to me that doesn't really count. I don't know what to do. I literally ask every single day, hoping and praying that he will say yes, but he never does. It's gotten so bad I'm having dreams about other men, sex dreams, and I've told him about it and it doesn't bother him. He just blows it off with "Maybe you saw an attractive guy." I have honestly thought about cheating on him. And I don't want to do that. I feel like a horrible wife just having the sex dreams about other men. I am not in this relationship just for sex and he knows that. I like his personality and pretty much everything about him. But here lately it's like we are growing more and more distant. Mostly me. Im starting to feel like I don't matter, like I'm ugly, something is wrong with me, that it's my fault and like I'm living and sharing a room and bed with a roommate. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I promised him I would never leave him and I'm not a fan of divorce but I can't stay in a sexless marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Edited October 16, 2016 by LifeLearner Changing title Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm a 22 year old female...and I consider myself fairly sexually active. Well, I did. I started dating my husband in 2014 and we just got married in March of 2016. Our sex life as never been really active. It was enough that I didn't complain, let's say maybe three times every 3 or 4 months. But ever since last year it has just completely plummeted. Like I'm talking maybe once every 6 months or so. I haven't had sex with my husband since November or December of 2015. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I guess you could say we had sex 2 months ago but it was literally FIVE minutes and he didn't even finish so to me that doesn't really count. I don't know what to do. I literally ask every single day, hoping and praying that he will say yes, but he never does. It's gotten so bad I'm having dreams about other men, sex dreams, and I've told him about it and it doesn't bother him. He just blows it off with "Maybe you saw an attractive guy." I have honestly thought about cheating on him. And I don't want to do that. I feel like a horrible wife just having the sex dreams about other men. I am not in this relationship just for sex and he knows that. I like his personality and pretty much everything about him. But here lately it's like we are growing more and more distant. Mostly me. Im starting to feel like I don't matter, like I'm ugly, something is wrong with me, that it's my fault and like I'm living and sharing a room and bed with a roommate. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I promised him I would never leave him and I'm not a fan of divorce but I can't stay in a sexless marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just wasted TEN YEARS in a marriage like this. It doesn't get better. Get out now. Any spouse who is totally cool with ignoring your basic sexual needs is extremely clueless, withholding or selfish. Sometimes all three. Sex is a basic tenet of marriage. It's totally fundamental to be love intimately and accepted by your partner in a physical way. DO NOT waste the rest of your youth in this marriage. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
deafsilence Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm a 22 year old female...and I consider myself fairly sexually active. Well, I did. I started dating my husband in 2014 and we just got married in March of 2016. Our sex life as never been really active. It was enough that I didn't complain, let's say maybe three times every 3 or 4 months. But ever since last year it has just completely plummeted. Like I'm talking maybe once every 6 months or so. I haven't had sex with my husband since November or December of 2015. We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I guess you could say we had sex 2 months ago but it was literally FIVE minutes and he didn't even finish so to me that doesn't really count. I don't know what to do. I literally ask every single day, hoping and praying that he will say yes, but he never does. It's gotten so bad I'm having dreams about other men, sex dreams, and I've told him about it and it doesn't bother him. He just blows it off with "Maybe you saw an attractive guy." I have honestly thought about cheating on him. And I don't want to do that. I feel like a horrible wife just having the sex dreams about other men. I am not in this relationship just for sex and he knows that. I like his personality and pretty much everything about him. But here lately it's like we are growing more and more distant. Mostly me. Im starting to feel like I don't matter, like I'm ugly, something is wrong with me, that it's my fault and like I'm living and sharing a room and bed with a roommate. I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do. I promised him I would never leave him and I'm not a fan of divorce but I can't stay in a sexless marriage. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I can't believe it. We have the same exact case. When I try to talk to him he would say, it's all in your head, your over imagining. Worse, his family kept asking me why am I not pregnant yet as if I am the one to be blamed. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 It may seem cliche but you could be in a relationship with a gay man. It happens more often than most people realise. Especially at your ages it's extremely common for a gay man to still be closeted. It's odd that someone your age doesn't have a greater sexual appetite and particularly so since this has been a feature of your relationship since forever. Plenty of gay men marry and have children before coming out. They don't all act like queens and some of them you would never know unless they told you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 It is not natural for a male his age to be this way. You two should be having sex between 5 and 10 times a week. I'm a single dad, no longer marred, and only have a FWB, and I manage to still have sex 3 times per week. I think there are only two possible causes: 1) he has low testosterone or some kind of health issue. Or 2) he is a closet homosexual. Either way, you need to stand your ground. I agree with dreamingoftigers. I think you need to get out now while you are young and before you waste anymore precious years on this guy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 You are way too young to be in a sexless marriage. You need to have some hard conversations with your husband, and you have a difficult decision to make. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 The other posters are totally correct... You can also read the posts on her (deftsilence's thread). This is totally not normal in any way. I just don't understand how men can act this way, maybe they are gay or asexual, but it is totally weird. Get out now... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Your sex life was garbage before marriage. Maybe once a month and that was fine for you? I doubt it was fine with you. Did you think marriage was going to make it better? Even if it stayed the same and you were getting it maybe once a month, you would probably still be unsatisfied. Your post reads like he gave you bare minimum sex wise before marriage. Of course getting married wasn't going to fix it. Man you are so young too, why did you get married with this red flag? Hope you didn't spend loads on a ceremony cause that looks like a huge waste of money when your marriage was doomed to fail before you said "I do." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 If you really want to stay married just blame it on menopause or low-testosterone. That'll work. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Better think long term. Is that what you want? Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I responded on Deafsilence's thread, but since you two are so similar my response to both of you is the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Osmium13 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Tell him that you'll go elsewhere - and if he's got a problem with that it's better you go your separate ways as you obviously have different expectations of your sex lives. Shock tactics may seem drastic but you need to get your head around it quick. You don't want to spend the next 15 years asking yourself whether it's worth it - then thinking what a waste of your life it all was, believe me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeLearner Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 I can't believe it. We have the same exact case. When I try to talk to him he would say, it's all in your head, your over imagining. Worse, his family kept asking me why am I not pregnant yet as if I am the one to be blamed. I read your post. It is the same situation. I'm stuck and at a loss of what to do. He won't touch in a sexual way really and it makes me feel like I'm ugly. He says it's not you, it's me. He hardly ever gives me compliments any more. For a while all he would want is for me to give him a BJ and then he would be like ok goodnight. I never got anything in return. But he doesn't even like get hard anymore. I've tried everything I can think of to turn him on and make him want to have sex but nothing works. Thankfully his family isn't pressuring us to have kids right now. I'm sorry that his family is making it like your the one to blame because your not. It is him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I could not keep my hands off my ex. I harried her. I would have had sex three times daily if she wanted it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeLearner Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 Your sex life was garbage before marriage. Maybe once a month and that was fine for you? I doubt it was fine with you. Did you think marriage was going to make it better? Even if it stayed the same and you were getting it maybe once a month, you would probably still be unsatisfied. Your post reads like he gave you bare minimum sex wise before marriage. Of course getting married wasn't going to fix it. Man you are so young too, why did you get married with this red flag? Hope you didn't spend loads on a ceremony cause that looks like a huge waste of money when your marriage was doomed to fail before you said "I do." I love him for him not just for the sex and I hoped it was something that we could work through but at this point we are coming up on our two year anniversary and I can count how many times we have had sex on both hands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LifeLearner Posted October 16, 2016 Author Share Posted October 16, 2016 I could not keep my hands off my ex. I harried her. I would have had sex three times daily if she wanted it. I wish it was like that for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I love him for him not just for the sex and I hoped it was something that we could work through but at this point we are coming up on our two year anniversary and I can count how many times we have had sex on both hands. But sex is important. You cannot stay bonded without it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I wish it was like that for me. It can be. You have to make a choice. You can find a man who will give you all of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 It was enough that I didn't complain, let's say maybe three times every 3 or 4 months. First off, no one deserves to be ignored like you are. But once a month during the "limerence" period of the relationship ??? You must have seen this coming. Sex rarely gets more frequent as time goes by... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm going to make a broad statement here. A man who does not actively show sexual passion for his woman is not a man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I love him for him not just for the sex and I hoped it was something that we could work through but at this point we are coming up on our two year anniversary and I can count how many times we have had sex on both hands. Well he is who he is and sex is very much a part of that. So you don't love all of him as you are miserable in your marriage due to his lack of sexual interest. It is also causing you self esteem issues. On top of that he doesn't seem to care at all about this issue and how negatively it is effecting you and your marriage. You love him for him, but that means all of him, this issue and his lack of caring is part of that. That is him. So I don't think you do. How about you? How much love do you have for yourself? Any self loving self respecting person wouldn't allow indifference and apathy in their spouse on an issue that is killing the marriage. Seems like he doesn't give a rat's ass about this issue, and therefore you. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I'm going to make a broad statement here. A man who does not actively show sexual passion for his woman is not a man. What is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 What is he? I was hoping you would tell me. Because I wouldn't drink with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 I was hoping you would tell me. Because I wouldn't drink with him. Lol I don't know. I've seen accusations of a guy like this being gay, which is possible, but I would think there would be more clues of that. I'm no expert about that though. More often what I see is hetreo men who lack sexual passion because they are too wrapped up in their own thoughts/emotions, none of which are sexual, and aren't paying any attention to or thinking about their woman. It's self-absorption really. Same is true for wives who stop having sex with their husbands. Then there are also those men who prefer to watch porn, but that's another matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Story of my marriage. I am now separated from gay husband after 17 years. Take my advice, either have an open marriage with other open marriages or get out. I ended up in a 4 year affair with a married man that ended very badly. If I had known that a man was suppose to desire his wife, as I was so young and clueless, I would have got out when I was young. Sex is a huge part of marriage and I know exactly how it feels to be unwanted and how it affects your self-esteem. My xMM actually told me how beautiful I was and we would be intimate 3 or 4 times a day! I had never been told I was beautiful before and having someone want to have sex with me was the best feeling in the world. I fell in love hard. My words of wisdom would be to give herself another chance at finding the right one. Clearly your husband is not him. Good chance you could stay friends after since there is no chemistry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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