If you still love and miss someone a year after a breakup, should you let them know?

[sportygirl]

Good morning LS :-)

 

I've posted my breakup here before... we were together 18 months.... happy relationship (or so I thought) and he suddenly broke it off after 18 months just as we were about to buy a house together (his plan to do).

 

I've struggled this past year as I've really missed him in my life as my other half. Despite him not reaching out, would it be wrong for me to reach out? I still love him so much x

 

Added by moderation, back story can be found here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/575349-almost-6-months-i-m-still-hoping-he-ll-come-back

 

The back story is closed but has recent posts.

Edited October 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added back story URL

[Kelley]

I think you should remain NC and carry on with your life. If he hasn't been in touch he is more than likely getting on with his life. You can't put a time limit on when you stop missing and loving someone. Would it set you back if he didn't respond or told you in was in love and in another relationship? You need to consider this too. I don't think we ever stop loving someone, it fades, some more than others. Miss him, think of him fondly and just look forwards.

[basil67]

I think it's well worth considering that he's probably changed a lot in the last year. I know I've changed substantially after the end of each long term relationship.

 

Remind yourself that you love who he was when you were together...but that you don't know what he's like now.

[elaine567]

HE broke it off with you, so it is up to him to make a move.

If he hasn't done so in a year, then he is unlikely to want you back.

He decided you were not the girl for him, so ended it.

Respect his opinion and decision.

He is not going to be particularly happy that after a year you have still not got the message. Sorry to be brutal, but dumpers dump people for a reason, you can't just change his mind because YOU still love him. The world doesn't work like that!

Do not waste your time hankering after men who do not want you, reserve your love for men who want to be with you and who want to build a relationship with you.

[cucumber95]

Like everybody it telling you, he could change a lot, and the person you loved is gone, he could be totally different by now.

[smudge21]

I think you need to focus on why he's still so important in your life, why you still think about him so much after so long. Do you still have memories, pictures, notes, gifts that remind you of that time? After a year, it's normal to still remember the ex, but to still want them so strongly indicates that despite no contact, you haven't truly moved on. Just remember, he left you. As much as you think you want him back and you still love him, what you really want and love is not the man who dumped you. It's the man who would never dump you... the fantasy. We all do that - no matter how badly we get dumped, we still want them back, ignoring the fact that they hurt, betrayed, lied and totally disrespected us. Do we really want that person back in our life. Do we really want someone who doesn't love us back. No of course not. We want the person they were when everything was great, but sadly that person no longer exists. We create a fantasy that they're still that same loving respectful person, and it's hard to accept otherwise.

[sportygirl]

Thank you for all of your responses. It seems to be a given then for a range of reasons that it isn't a good idea. One thing that has been thinking though... a few of referenced that you have changed after a significant relationship ends... or that your ex would have. I don't feel I've changed... yes I'm not as bubbly as I was once in the relationship that's for sure.... but on the whole despite travels / new homes / friends etc. I still have the same core.... worried about the lack of growth :-/ seem to be missing something?

[RyanO1991]

Thank you for all of your responses. It seems to be a given then for a range of reasons that it isn't a good idea. One thing that has been thinking though... a few of referenced that you have changed after a significant relationship ends... or that your ex would have. I don't feel I've changed... yes I'm not as bubbly as I was once in the relationship that's for sure.... but on the whole despite travels / new homes / friends etc. I still have the same core.... worried about the lack of growth :-/ seem to be missing something?

 

Did you naturally feel that you wanted to change? Or was it something you felt forced or suggested by someone else?

 

It's great that you have the same core. It shows you have a strong sense of identity.

[sportygirl]

No... I liked who I was when I was with him. Though I guess fundamentally I should have changed as the breakup would imply there's something that needs to change... I hear often its both that need to change and are at fault when relationships end :-(

[sportygirl]

Not quite so keen on the less bubbly grumpier me now... I guess I have changed the more i think about it :-/

[RyanO1991]

No... I liked who I was when I was with him. Though I guess fundamentally I should have changed as the breakup would imply there's something that needs to change... I hear often its both that need to change and are at fault when relationships end :-(

 

I think that if you can't recognise what you need to change, or your ex couldn't even tell you exactly why he felt the relationship needed to end, you shouldn't have to change.

 

If you genuinely feel there's something you did that led to the relationship not working, then it's great to be proactive and work on it.

 

But if you really can't see what went wrong, then don't worry about it. If your ex couldn't be specific, that suggests to me that the problem was his.

[sportygirl]

Morning,

 

Just finding somewhere to vent... I'm having a hard day today. Ever since my relationship ended just over a year ago I've struggled. Massively struggled. We've not messaged in over 6 months, and I've busied myself as best as I can. Today is my first day working from home in a very long time and I can't seem to handle it. I've had time to think over what I've lost (a lot), Facebook stalk his friends (which I haven't done in months!) and I'm currently tracking down where I hid his number. In the meantime I'm supposed to be preparing a presentation for tomorrow. This day hurst so badly... I just cannot seem to handle any downtime :-(

 

Any words of wisdom to just shake this today..... need to stop crying :-( Xx

Edited November 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
title edited ~T

[teeekuuu]

Morning,

 

Just finding somewhere to vent... I'm having a hard day today. Ever since my relationship ended just over a year ago I've struggled. Massively struggled. We've not messaged in over 6 months, and I've busied myself as best as I can. Today is my first day working from home in a very long time and I can't seem to handle it. I've had time to think over what I've lost (a lot), Facebook stalk his friends (which I haven't done in months!) and I'm currently tracking down where I hid his number. In the meantime I'm supposed to be preparing a presentation for tomorrow. This day hurst so badly... I just cannot seem to handle any downtime :-(

 

Any words of wisdom to just shake this today..... need to stop crying :-( Xx

Any possibility of you taking your laptop to a public library and working from there?

 

Might help to not be alone at home..

[DarrenB]

 

Above is a video conducted by Shia LaBeouf. This video's contents is one of which is to be considered as inferior, but it's a good listen to keep your mind off of things.

 

Now as far as it goes for maintaining to be occupied, what you plan on doing will not be healthy for your healing process and your emotional and mental state of 'moving on'. You know this, so do not do it. I urge you to do anything other than think of the past, with someone of whom is not in your current. Make a smoothie, use a toaster, manually wash dishes, pace up and down in your garden, embrace life... anything is better than what you would prefer to do.

 

I'm writing this, in a very strange state of mind right now... I have been like this for a few days, so excuse any misinterpretations that may occur.

 

Do not torment yourself, by the collapse of another person. Visit a state of euphoria in your very own state of mind. Identify your happiness and your way of life. Anything is better than dwelling on an ex and re-visiting those raw emotions. I think we can all tell you about that.

[sportygirl]

Evening LS friends - I hope you're all doing okay.

 

Believe it or not... I'm still stuck!! I think I'm 18 months on and still wish he'd come back into my life I've bought my first house, hiked volcanos, made new friends, been on city break adventures and even made it to Everest. But I'm lonely.... not for want of friends, family or a new boyfriend, but I'm broken. I miss him still and always think about how different my life could be if only we worked out. I love and miss him.... stuck in the past despite my best efforts. This is all becoming too much after such a long time (((

[DarrenB]

Evening LS friends - I hope you're all doing okay.

 

Believe it or not... I'm still stuck!! I think I'm 18 months on and still wish he'd come back into my life I've bought my first house, hiked volcanos, made new friends, been on city break adventures and even made it to Everest. But I'm lonely.... not for want of friends, family or a new boyfriend, but I'm broken. I miss him still and always think about how different my life could be if only we worked out. I love and miss him.... stuck in the past despite my best efforts. This is all becoming too much after such a long time (((

 

You was last here documenting your struggles and dilemma's basically 4 months ago. Don't chastise yourself, because within that time I'm sure you've made an abundance of progress.

 

Just remember, it's okay to miss someone of whom you love or loved. A specific estimation of getting over someone cannot be determined as it's purely based on your own behalf. Don't feel stuck in the past, because you are not. Being stuck in the past is making an attempt to get them back in your life; I assume you haven't done this and I hope you haven't.

 

Sometimes it's nice to reminisce about them, on some occasions it's beyond painful... but you gradually learn to endure these feelings and emotions you might still carry for them. Whether or not you're able to cope in a way that doesn't allow you to feel so much burden and despair, can again only be fathomed by yourself.

 

Look forward - to life.

 

'Your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out.

there is a light somewhere.

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances.

know them.

take them.

you can’t beat death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes.

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you.'

 

The Laughing Heart - Charles Bukowski

[nobodyIam]

I completely understand how you feel. It's been more than a year for myself too. For some time she would message me once in awhile,but that stoped too. It's weird to feel this way to somebody who's most probably complete stranger now.

 

Hope you get over him soon.

[kztar]

Morning,

 

Just finding somewhere to vent... I'm having a hard day today. Ever since my relationship ended just over a year ago I've struggled. Massively struggled. We've not messaged in over 6 months, and I've busied myself as best as I can. Today is my first day working from home in a very long time and I can't seem to handle it. I've had time to think over what I've lost (a lot), Facebook stalk his friends (which I haven't done in months!) and I'm currently tracking down where I hid his number. In the meantime I'm supposed to be preparing a presentation for tomorrow. This day hurst so badly... I just cannot seem to handle any downtime :-(

 

Any words of wisdom to just shake this today..... need to stop crying :-( Xx

 

OP You've delayed your own healing process. Although you broke up, ONE year ago your last contact was 6 months ago. Depending on the RS you will need more time to heal. NC means you disappear and make sure they disappear from your life forever. This includes no checking up on them on Any social media, no googling them to see if you find them (I've done this before) keeping up with friends and family close to him or her.

 

With that being said, you need to start complete NC. Otherwise it will be a very LONGGGGGGGGGG journey for you. With my first long term ex took me like 6 months to fully get over but I went 100% no contact and 10 years later we are still NC. Granted I was younger (17 at the time but looki at it now, I got over it pretty quickly and did not look back) College boyfriend took me 4 years, but hello we never went no contact, we kept reaching out to each other all the time. Even after he graduated and was no longer around I was still pinning and hoping one day we would reconnect if he was the "one", I then met my current X and he sweeped me off my feet, totally forgot about the other ex. We still speak here and there but I could care less what his life looks like. My current x I am complete NC after breakup number 2 and don't know how long it will take but I'm only moving forward and NC is the only way to heal faster.

[sportygirl]

Evening,

 

Just posting... first time back here in what feels like a long while... time hasn't moved on though for me. I could go into so much detail on my thoughts and feelings, but nothing has changed in my mind... I still miss him, wake up everyday and wish for my old life back, and spend more time than I like to admit wishing for him to come back.

 

I'm still trying everything I can.... still seeing a psychiatrist to figure out how to find a way to move on and doing gyms / clubs / work hard.... but I'm still the same. Only thing that's changed is I rarely talk about him unless someone brings him up. I'm no longer in contact with our mutual friends as I found the updates too hard... reminders of what could have been.... so desperately sad, and regretful for anything I did to contribute to it all having ended.... I lost the person that meant the most in the world to me.

 

Sorry for the deflated post.... just needed someowhere to post as a kind of outlet tonight. Still here...

[Earlybird2016]

Evening,

 

Just posting... first time back here in what feels like a long while... time hasn't moved on though for me. I could go into so much detail on my thoughts and feelings, but nothing has changed in my mind... I still miss him, wake up everyday and wish for my old life back, and spend more time than I like to admit wishing for him to come back.

 

I'm still trying everything I can.... still seeing a psychiatrist to figure out how to find a way to move on and doing gyms / clubs / work hard.... but I'm still the same. Only thing that's changed is I rarely talk about him unless someone brings him up. I'm no longer in contact with our mutual friends as I found the updates too hard... reminders of what could have been.... so desperately sad, and regretful for anything I did to contribute to it all having ended.... I lost the person that meant the most in the world to me.

 

Sorry for the deflated post.... just needed someowhere to post as a kind of outlet tonight. Still here...

 

Hi,

 

Just wanted to show some support. I'm in the same boat, nearly 19 months for me, and despite doing everything forums like this advise, I'm realistically no further forward in healing than I was on day one.

 

I think what I've learned is that all the NC, the self-improvement, the opening up yourself to future relationships ... NONE of it works, if you truly loved your ex. At best, it's a well-meant lie.

 

I dunno how it works for the dumpees who say they've healed through these methods. All I can suppose is that none of them cared for the ex as much as they thought, that their feelings were as transient and unreliable as the most cold hearted dumper, and that's why they found it easier than us to let go.

 

Hang in there. You're not alone.

[GeekLover]

I think you need to focus on why he's still so important in your life, why you still think about him so much after so long. Do you still have memories, pictures, notes, gifts that remind you of that time? After a year, it's normal to still remember the ex, but to still want them so strongly indicates that despite no contact, you haven't truly moved on. Just remember, he left you. As much as you think you want him back and you still love him, what you really want and love is not the man who dumped you. It's the man who would never dump you... the fantasy. We all do that - no matter how badly we get dumped, we still want them back, ignoring the fact that they hurt, betrayed, lied and totally disrespected us. Do we really want that person back in our life. Do we really want someone who doesn't love us back. No of course not. We want the person they were when everything was great, but sadly that person no longer exists. We create a fantasy that they're still that same loving respectful person, and it's hard to accept otherwise.

 

All of this!!! A+++++

Thank you.

[whatnot]

for me there is a difference in missing something or someone terribly badly and wanting that back. You can have the first without the second. are you sure you want him back or is it that you just miss him terribly? there is a difference in my mind.

 

It's been over a year for me and I miss that part of my life (it lasted around 7 years or so). I had such a wonderful time with that person....I could go on and on about the good times we shared together, the ways I was able to be myself with her and the chemistry we shared the way that she never got on my nerves her intelligence her home spun sophistication however I could not allow the person I knew for the last two years of the relationship back into my life. it would destroy me (again) if not worse

 

looking back I see just how fearful I was of losing something that wasn't good for me in the first place She's not the first thing that I've let stay in my life that wasn't good for me for fear of how things would be without him/her/it in it. she's a different person now. and even if she's not that wouldn't work either I don't want the person she is now nor the person she was then but I do miss that time of my life i'm older now I've been dealing with medical issues that's left me very different as well. i'm not the same person I was then either. she's not a whole person she's not compassionate she never was from the beginning she was fun it was exciting for me being with her but our lives and values were just so different i thing we think we can make anything work as long as we don't have to be alone and we have someone who 'gets' us. it's a big world and it's a cruel world and it's harder without another human being in our lives or is it? when i got sick i knew it would be the end of our relationship. i had to concentrate on getting better my energies had to go into researching treatment options and i was very very afraid so i knew i would not be able to put as much emotional energy into that relationship and because of that it would die i knew that the relationship would cease to exist because i would not be able to contribute, or direct, as much energy into it as i had been prior to my getting sick. and i was right she wasn't going to put more energy into it. no way i knew that then and i no that now

 

sorry for taking up so much of your space....

 

if you don't get over him in another 6 mos. to a year i'd say to call him up and see how things are between the two of you you will learn something either way by doing that whether it be good or bad you will learn something take care

[sportygirl]

So... evening LS friends. I haven't been here for a while. It'll be 2 years in October since my ex left... and I'm still stuck in the past. I"ve bought a new house, been on more adventures, had about 7 months of therapy and some of the gym and I'm still here... still pining.

 

I've been strong though and not contacted.... or Facebook stalked (mostly through fear of what I'll learn). However, tonight he called. Twice! I answered the 2nd time. Even when we first broke up it was only ever me that contacted - he never reached out.

 

He was polite on the phone - asked about my family and how my life was... and I did the same in return. I spoke to him nicely as its the only way I know how to be with people. Then he said he thinks about me often and thought it was important that I knew.... life is too short not to tell people that you think they're wonderful and amazing etc. However, in the next breath he said 'so I thought it'd be weird not to check in every year or so to see how I was'. He said many times on the call that he thought about me after this statement, however also casually mentioned he's living in a flat with his girlfriend... the girl he dated shortly after me.

 

I'm not sure what to do with all this and I told him as much. I'm obviously still very stuck on him and would love to have him back in my life, but this doesn't seem to be like him wanting me back... just checking in. I guess I'm just supposed to carry on as if the call never even happened??

[sportygirl]

P.S. I didn't tell him I missed him and thought of him often... it just didn't seem to come out of my mouth.... but I don't think that this was his invitation to say the same back??

[preraph]

I'm glad you didn't tell him. He is happy in a new relationship and probably feeling like you would have moved on by now so that maybe you could just be civil without getting into some big thing.

 

I do wonder if any friends have been talking about you to make him worried though.