If you still love and miss someone a year after a breakup, should you let them know?

[sportygirl]

Hi Preraph, thanks for replying. We no longer share any mutual friends so there wouldn't be anyone to tell him I'm struggling.

 

I just find it strange as I've never reached out to an ex even to check if they're okay... I've always thought best to let sleeping dogs lie. Plus out of respect for a new partner I've not thought it to be right unless there was some kind of exception for keeping an ex in your life.

[SevenCity]

I'm glad you didn't tell him. He is happy in a new relationship and probably feeling like you would have moved on by now so that maybe you could just be civil without getting into some big thing.

 

I do wonder if any friends have been talking about you to make him worried though.

 

If he was happy in his new relationship he wouldn't be reaching out to an ex girlfriend.

 

I've never had the urge to contact an ex after that period of time if I was happy. Most people don't. His reasons were completely selfish - either to see if she's still on the hook or alleviate guilt. He wasn't doing it because he's a swell guy.

 

But here's the rub - it doesn't mean that he wants to come back.

 

OP I feel for you. As stated by another poster, I believe that some here who easily get over an ex didn't really love them as much as they thought. You can read posts where people state they have gotten over other breakups easier but this one is different.

 

Have you dated at all? I don't think you will get over this until you meet someone better. Doesn't mean you have to sleep with a bunch of guys, but you will likely have to go out on a lot of dates.

 

I'm approaching one year since my ex of 7 years left for good. I'm worlds better than where I was but it still sucks. I'm luckily in that she really hasn't reached out other than one time where she did then promptly vanished.

 

If history is any indicator I'll get over this one day. I can't imagine I'll feel the same in 10 years. I'm sure you won't either.

[sportygirl]

I think the hardest part is that he opened it with 'I wanted to let you know that I think abut you often' - that was enough to allow my mind to think this was finally it and he wanted to come back. My heart and mind ran away with me. To have the rest of the conversation be a general catchup was just so strange. I just don't understand why he reached out. I guess I'm supposed to forget that the call ever happened, but its all so raw

[mousse]

I don't think you should beat yourself up about taking a long time to move on. Moving on from an ex can take a very long time if you really loved them. The beginning of the healing process is the worst, but it gets easier eventually. It's been 7 years for me. I'm happy now, but the feelings still come back at times when I'm tired or that I have low energy. But they're weak now, compared to the beginning when I was madly in love with my ex. I believe those feelings will keep on fading if I stay complete NC and that I keep on leading a happy and healthy life.

 

Good luck,

Mousse

[SevenCity]

I don't think you should beat yourself up about taking a long time to move on. Moving on from an ex can take a very long time if you really loved them. The beginning of the healing process is the worst, but it gets easier eventually. It's been 7 years for me. I'm happy now, but the feelings still come back at times when I'm tired or that I have low energy. But they're weak now, compared to the beginning when I was madly in love with my ex. I believe those feelings will keep on fading if I stay complete NC and that I keep on leading a happy and healthy life.

 

Good luck,

Mousse

 

OMFG 7 years?!?! How long did you date? That's awful for you.

 

I sometimes have memories of exes years later but no pain associated with it (sans going through a bad breakup - it brings all the pain back from all of them temporarily).

[fieldoflavender]

First you have to remove every single presence of him - forever. I've been less than 3 months but almost all of it will be gone soon (most monetary reasons why they haven't been completely out). I think you should delete all old photos, block on Facebook and keep him blocked, and no ounce of him can go into your life.

 

This is not someone you want or need to remember. He already has a girlfriend. Forget and move on. Life is too short to waste on people from the past like this.

[Steve51]

It serves no purpose to tell him. No one is going to love you back merely because you love them. Love cannot be thought into existence. It has to happen organically. As a man I would be flattered if a girl told me that she loved me but that it about it.

 

I had one woman who chased me. She told me that she loved me but I told her that I did not feel the same. She stalked me and would show up wherever I was even after I changed my daily routine. I would come home to find a rose on my doorstep and a phone call at night to wish me goodnight. There was no caller ID or blocking in the old days. She thought that because she loved me, I would love her back. It does not work that way and she came across as a mentally ill person.

[sportygirl]

Thanks for the replies again

 

Steve51 - the only thing which is making me want to say something is because he told me he thought of me often. I know that could mean a multitude of things... I just don't want him thinking I'm not interested if that was his way of telling me he still likes me.

[Tribble]

I know that could mean a multitude of things... I just don't want him thinking I'm not interested if that was his way of telling me he still likes me.

 

I know it's so hard. But if he still liked you and wanted to come back, he would. He's with someone else. What he did to you is horrible. To just pop up after a few years. It's almost like rubbing your face in it. If he does it again, don't bother answering, if you can.

 

I've been split from my ex for 2 years and I feel stuck too. I've dated other guys, slept with other guys but none of it is the same. After every date, I miss my ex more because I want what we had back. I often wonder what my life would be like if we'd managed to work through our issues. But I know it isn't going to come back and that isn't my reality. Made all the worse that he gets in contact every 2 weeks like clockwork asking to see me (and then changing his mind) and telling me he is still in love with me. How did life get like this, eh?

[Purepony]

I think you should just text the guy something like ?

 

Hey look I still think ABout you and would be open to getting back together but if you don't feel the same, I understand and respect that however please respect that I don't want you to contact me anymore

[Soulful_Hero]

I think you should just text the guy something like ?

 

Hey look I still think ABout you and would be open to getting back together but if you don't feel the same, I understand and respect that however please respect that I don't want you to contact me anymore

 

I agree or atleast call him and set up a coffee date or something so you guys can talk more. I mean he called you after almost a year and a half of No-contact. Chances are you might get hurt but your already hurting now so why not take that chance? At least he showed some type of interest in you, there's some people who never ever hear from their ex again.

[StarkContrast]

I agree or atleast call him and set up a coffee date or something so you guys can talk more. I mean he called you after almost a year and a half of No-contact. Chances are you might get hurt but your already hurting now so why not take that chance? At least he showed some type of interest in you, there's some people who never ever hear from their ex again.

 

Almost 2 years ago...I went through a breakup with a really great girl. She texted me a couple months afterwards, and we did a couple back and forth texts. She ended with "keep in touch".

 

Now for me, I thought hey...she broke up with me. If she wants anything from me, she'll contact me more. I'm not gonna take any initiatives. I had my pride and self-respect.

 

It's something that I regret constantly now. Because I knew she had to really really resist texting me, but she missed me too much. But when I didn't bother keeping in touch, she kind of thought...ok...that leaves no question as to how I feel....case closed.

 

Now I regret it, because in all honesty, she was the best thing that happened to me, and I was damn lucky to have her. Now I constantly regret not doing more. If I acknowledged that she really put herself out there by texting me, and if I kept in touch, at least I would know where things would have headed. Whether they went bad again, or went better....at least I would have known...and at least I would have tried ....

 

So that was my experience.... I'm not saying for you to do anything, but that is what I went through, and you can take from that what you will

[whatnot]

Thank you for all of your responses. It seems to be a given then for a range of reasons that it isn't a good idea. One thing that has been thinking though... a few of referenced that you have changed after a significant relationship ends... or that your ex would have. I don't feel I've changed... yes I'm not as bubbly as I was once in the relationship that's for sure.... but on the whole despite travels / new homes / friends etc. I still have the same core.... worried about the lack of growth :-/ seem to be missing something?

Right. "Grow". Now there's a loaded word. Nothing like throwing "growth" around to make people doubt themselves.

 

Don't worry about it.

 

These things have different ways....there's no one way....there's no right way...there's only *the* way. for *you* sporty girl. There's lot's of *one way's* or *a way's*.....what will happen sporty girl...and it's happening right now...and has been....is *your* way....which is the only for you. (this has been happening *for* you....during your time apart....even if it may not be self-evident...or evident to you...*yet*.....)

 

 

I used to fly in the military. I flew to Europe many times. Met a woman in Germany who was also in the Air Force...(she was some sort of an enlisted girl....cute). I used to sign up for flights to Germany....where she was based (she was from N. Dakota)....just to see her. I did that a couple of times. She also came here to my home town to see me. Wrote letters, pics, etc...all told...lasted about a year I guess. I dumped her. It occurred to me...."Hey Dave, this gal is *serious* about us living the rest of our lives together. That isn't going to happen! I *do not know* this person well enough...heck...I don't know *myself* well enough....to have this woman come here and us live together for the rest of our lives! No way man!" So...I wrote her a "Dear John" letter. And that was the end of it for me. I moved on.

 

After 4 years....I had never even given this woman any thought in 2 years....and after 4 years....I got a letter from her. In her letter, she explained how she was moving on with her life. And that....she missed me for the longest time...but it was time for her to move on. This was a somewhat disconcerting letter to read. Here was a woman...who had been thinking of me for 4 years....and felt the need to write me a letter....in order for her to move on. And the guy she's writing the letter to hadn't given her any thought in over 2 years. Such is the power of our actions....anyway...

 

I say all of that to say this....you're going to have to do what you're going to have to do in order to get on with your life....free of this man...or not.

 

After my divorce in '06....I did not speak with my ex-wife for 2.5 years. I felt I was over her...but...how could I be sure? I had no *context* to know? So...I called her to find out if I was over her or not. Enough is enough. So I called her to find out. And....it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself sporty girl. The whole time we were talking during that phone call...all I could think to myself, was...."Man I'm so glad this part of my life is over. I don't even like this person!" We talked maybe 30 minutes. At the end of the convo...she intimated that she'd like to lol see me. lol I told her..."Well...we'll see how it goes". lol Well....she heard in my voice....I could not hide it....that it wasn't' going to happen. NO WAY. "I'm good, thank you very much" was what I was really saying....and it's what she also heard.

 

This relationship was *very* important to you sporty girl (at least it was a year ago). It's not been *all* that long since you last talked....(6 mos?). So...you might wanna give it a bit more time....or....if you dare...you might just call the man. Who knows.....if he says he's with another woman...that might be just the thing you need to hear.....or....you may hear his voice and think to yourself..."What'd I ever see in this guy?"

 

There is no pat answers here. Do what you must. But .... it's my experience .... it's not been that long for you yet. But...that's just a guess. You sound very tired of the whole thing to me. At the same time....you had a lot riding on it working out.

 

My advice would be to decide for yourself it's over. That's something you've yet to decide for yourself.

 

And no one but you can do that for you.

 

Take care of yourself. And don't be shoppin' for no houses...

 

This is going to work itself out sporty girl. and my guess is as good as anyone else's.....my guess is it will not work out .... with the two of you together. That's the direction you've yet to accept as a good option for you....yet.

[whatnot]

This guy is not thinking of ever getting back together with you sportygirl.

 

one man's opinion.....I'd bet big on it...and feel comfortable with my bet....

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Sporty Girl,

 

I really feel for you, i can relate a lot ... i'm in a similar position having not really let a love go even after 15 months. I know how it feels to have done a lot in your life and reflected on who/what you are, hit the gym and done everything to move on... yet haven't.... entirely.

 

I'm afraid i'm of the opinion of most of the other posters on here, he's not come running back to you... his own action is, to check in with you, work out that you're ok... relieve his conscience and or ego... not an action of - 'I made a mistake, can we meet up to discuss, I want you back'. His actions don't carry any weight towards anything he's said about missing you.

 

Someone recently told my 2nd ex - 'IF a man really loves a woman, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen'. He's not doing that.. sorry. (As i've not been doing for her).

 

Sadly, ex2 isn't whom i would move heaven and earth for... it's ex1 i'm still pining over, despite it being over a year. I haven't due to NC, protecting myself from the pain of potential re-rejection.

 

One of two option really;

 

1 - Call him, ask to meet up, lay it all out there and see what happens. If he's open to it...great, see if it works. BUT be prepared that he'll say no and you face the raw pain of rejection again. AT LEAST you can fully let it go, you two will never be together and MOVE ON.

 

Or

 

2 - Write him a last goodbye letter, don't send it, just burn or bury it... put it in a bottle in the ocean or whatever. Then work out what it is that gives you as a person purpose in life that really fills you up and makes you happy. You're pining over him still because you look back at your time with him as you being 'happy'... find what makes you happy for you and you won't ever rely on someone else to do that for you again.

 

I'm working on no 2, toying with no 1... spending far too much time with my head spinning around in abstract and critical though... at least option 1 gives you a definite END, you will learn to deal with that.

 

Do whatever will give you peace. I really hope it works out for you sporty girl and I would like to know what you end up doing...

 

Weirdly, that felt like i was talking to myself.

 

All the best OP

 

xx

[Reddice]

When my previous relationship ended, I decided to go on the full NC tour after 6 months of breadcrumbs. Ignored her emails and blocked her phone number. From my point of view, she had been willing to give up absolutely everything to get away from me. I figured that if she'd really felt for me the way I did for her, she would do anything to get me back. So I decided to block her phone number and start dating. She could still pick up the courage and show up at my door, right? If she really wanted at least.

 

It's now 5 years ago and I still think about her on a regular basis. And to my surprise, I just found out this week that she recently got married... And then I think: What if I hadnt blocked and ignored her all this time? Would we have had any chance then? But then I realize that if I'm still thinking about her 5 years later, how on earth could she had ever said yes to that other guy? The only logical explanation is that she has not given me another thought in the years after our breakup. It's clear to me that she has never loved me as much as I loved her.

 

Lesson I learned: NC is good. No matter how I feel now, I would have felt even worse if she had told me in person that she was (getting) married. It can take a while, but sooner or later the feelings will fade away.

[Jsos91]

i was dumped a few months ago by my fiancée. I immediately blocked her social media profiles, deleted ALL photos, and got rid of any mementos/gifts. There's absolutely no reminder of her in my life except in my own mind and memories. Some people like to hang onto these things but Im the type who needs to cut it out so it won't fester. I haven't seen her or heard her voice since a week after the breakup and I can attest to NC speeding up the process.

 

I don't think that if you let things go, you didn't love them as much. I'm letting everything go slowly but I still miss her everyday at this point, I try my best to decipher wether I miss her or I miss the comforts of the relationship. I know I still love her very much and I know that I probably always will to some extent which is why I know I can't be in her life at least for right now. Oddly enough, something that comforts me is the thought "if she wants to come back or wants to reach out, there's nothing stopping her."

 

I don't think he is trying to reconcile or anything like that, if he did, there's nothing stopping him. I do think that you need to make it clear to him that you need to move on with your life and him contacting you sets you back. If not, you'll continue to hear from him and you'll continue to be set back. Life is too short to be hung up on what ifs and people that threw your love away. You're worth more than that and no one deserves to be an option and not a priority.

[fieldoflavender]

i was dumped a few months ago by my fiancée. I immediately blocked her social media profiles, deleted ALL photos, and got rid of any mementos/gifts. There's absolutely no reminder of her in my life except in my own mind and memories. Some people like to hang onto these things but Im the type who needs to cut it out so it won't fester. I haven't seen her or heard her voice since a week after the breakup and I can attest to NC speeding up the process.

 

I don't think that if you let things go, you didn't love them as much. I'm letting everything go slowly but I still miss her everyday at this point, I try my best to decipher wether I miss her or I miss the comforts of the relationship. I know I still love her very much and I know that I probably always will to some extent which is why I know I can't be in her life at least for right now. Oddly enough, something that comforts me is the thought "if she wants to come back or wants to reach out, there's nothing stopping her."

 

I don't think he is trying to reconcile or anything like that, if he did, there's nothing stopping him. I do think that you need to make it clear to him that you need to move on with your life and him contacting you sets you back. If not, you'll continue to hear from him and you'll continue to be set back. Life is too short to be hung up on what ifs and people that threw your love away. You're worth more than that and no one deserves to be an option and not a priority.

 

I think being able to throw away that stuff is a pretty big step though. It doesn't mean you forget them (I wish) but at least you're not hanging onto some faint thread of stupidity that you could have one thing left. In those stupid moments of weakness when I wish I could reminiscence of our time together - I realize that I have NOTHING - no photos, no gifts (well except very few little things) physical at all. And memories and stuff - they eventually fade. He actually lives physically very close to me but the city is large - and we have not ran into each other. So meh. And if we do - we shall be strangers. If I still cared, I don't think I could do it. But it's really over.

[LivingWaterPlease]

sportygirl, you have handled your feelings and actions for this ex bf very well since the breakup, though you have struggled with your feelings. Sometimes it takes awhile to move on. It's an individual thing.

 

Re: your ex's recent call to you, this is a red flag to me. I wonder what his gf would think and how she would feel if she knew he'd reached out to you and told you he thinks of you often? This was not a nice thing to do to his gf or to you and I think, from this one instance, you dodged a bullet with him.

 

To me, it sounds as if he was testing the waters to get back into some kind of relationship with you or to get validation from you. Either way, it's not good on him, imo. If he wants to get back with you he should break up with his gf and then contact you afterwards. If he just wants validation from you...well, not cool as that would really be using you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I know it's so hard. But if he still liked you and wanted to come back, he would. He's with someone else. What he did to you is horrible. To just pop up after a few years. It's almost like rubbing your face in it. If he does it again, don't bother answering, if you can.

 

I agree with the bolded. He has been disrespectful to you and also to his current gf. Imo his behavior is sleazy. If he wants to come back to you he should break up with the gf then contact you. Now it's playing on your mind. Do you think he didn't know it would have that effect?

 

You didn't run after him by contacting him after the break up and now he's trying to get you to. Don't do it.

[Reddice]

After 4 years....I had never even given this woman any thought in 2 years....and after 4 years....I got a letter from her. In her letter, she explained how she was moving on with her life. And that....she missed me for the longest time...but it was time for her to move on. This was a somewhat disconcerting letter to read. Here was a woman...who had been thinking of me for 4 years....and felt the need to write me a letter....in order for her to move on. And the guy she's writing the letter to hadn't given her any thought in over 2 years. Such is the power of our actions....anyway...

 

Thanks for sharing this story with us. It puts everything in a different perspective. It does for me at least. Thanks.

[sportygirl]

Thank you for all your responses... I really do appreciate having you there to help! One thing that I can see though is that some of you have that feeling of regret by not talking when the ex has reached out. I"m wondering if I need to do this to lose that regret if nothing else... although I wonder if it'll be replaced with the regret of however the conversation goes and what I say. Its all very tricky :/ At this point I'm thinking I'll call over the weekend... slightly scares me saying that!

[stillafool]

Since he was the one who broke up with you do not contact him. If he missed you or had a change of heart he would reach out to you. If he was even thinking of you he would have at least called during the year to find out how you've been but he hasn't. If you contact him now it will make you look as if you haven't moved on one bit and still hoping for some validation from him. It might piss him off or at best give him a big ego stroke but nothing more. He is probably involved with another girl by now. You need to put your focus on healing not talking to him which will set you back. It's over and you have to accept it.

[Tribble]

Thank you for all your responses... I really do appreciate having you there to help! One thing that I can see though is that some of you have that feeling of regret by not talking when the ex has reached out. I"m wondering if I need to do this to lose that regret if nothing else... although I wonder if it'll be replaced with the regret of however the conversation goes and what I say. Its all very tricky :/ At this point I'm thinking I'll call over the weekend... slightly scares me saying that!

 

I know I'm only a stranger over the internet but please don't call him. You're coming up with reasons in your mind to contact him. You want to lose the regret of not talking - it makes perfect sense! Until you do it and it doesn't help. Trust me, I have been here dozens of times.

 

You went a whole year not talking to him - you were doing great! Until he pops up out of the blue and puts himself firmly at the front of your mind. But don't forget you are not at the front of his mind - his new girlfriend is.

 

What do you ultimately want to accomplish here by phoning him? What will you even say? If you phone him, you will give him this big ego boost that you still care - one he does not deserve!

[HiCrunchy]

Hey Sporty. I hope you are doing better.

I have the same issue as well. I am still in love with an ex and we have been 1 year apart (though I can say I am not pinning after him anymore) and the worst part is that I was only with him for 6 months.

I think the NC advice is good, but there is more to moving on than just not contacting the other person and distracting yourself. People always tell you to look to the futuare and move forward but for someone who is pinning like you and I sometimes that is hard. I think it is better to just focus on the present.

Think about the here and now. How do you make your life pleasant and happy right now. Don't think about the past and don't press too much pressure on the future. Ride the waves of life, and just learn that you will be okay in the end. Take it one day at a time darling.