It's over.

[LaurAnn378]

Hi everyone. Yesterday my relationship of 11 months ended. He was my best friend.

 

I am a 38 year old single mom to a 7 year old little boy. For almost a year, I've been the other woman to R, a dad at my son's school who lives with his girlfriend, D, her 8 year old son, and his own two sons, aged 7 and 8. They had been together for 14 months when him and I got together, 6 months of which they spent broken up because she'd hit one of his boys.

 

She's a miserable human being; I am not. She refuses to hug and kiss his children, treats them like annoyances, while lavishing affection on her own son. She's cold.

 

D works nights and sleeps all day and R does the bulk of the parenting--school pickup, sports, play dates, cooking, cleaning. Time-wise, it was easy for him to carry on an affair.

 

R and I clicked immediately. From day one he started calling me at 5 am on his way to work. We'd be on the phone for hours all morning. Then more calls until he went home. We had every excuse to see each other--play dates, school activities, etc. He'd sneak over during the day when she was sleeping. He'd sneak out late at night when her teenage daughter was home. We played house all year--he'd bring the boys here after school, we'd make dinner, he wouldn't go home until she left for work.

 

He was/is scared of her, but told me all year that it was a matter of time until he left her. That he saw his future with me, not with her. I spent a year waiting for phone calls, waiting for visits, waiting for him to leave her. It was always hard for me, but I saw it getting harder and harder on him to be away from me, and their relationship suffered more and more. So I knew it was a matter of time.

 

10 days ago, her son choked his son and banged his head against a wall, and R packed himself and his boys up and moved in with me and my son. It was great for all of 5 days. The kids were thrilled. I love his boys, and they love me and my son.

 

For 5 days D acted like she didn't care, then she started calling and texting and begging. Making him feel guilty. Using her own son, who R loves like his own despite the kid's violent tendencies, as a pawn. And I watched him mope around my house in utter sadness and confusion. He stopped touching me. He felt like he'd abandoned her and her son. She reminded him of all the promises they'd made to each other when they got back together. She promised to start hugging and kissing his boys and treating them like her own, not like annoyances.

 

I told him if he went back to her there was nothing left for us. No contact. That I'd find a way to avoid seeing him at school or anywhere. That he'd never set foot in my home again. Even that play dates are over with the boys, at least at my house, because I can't see him. At all. He was tortured over this for 3 days, but finally yesterday he just had to go. Telling me he loves me and knows it's better for him and the boys here, that they could be happy here, but she's got a hold on him that he can't let go of. That he doesn't know how to be happy, that he knows he's walking out on HAPPINESS, but he can't help himself.

 

When he told his little boys that they were going back, they cried their heads off and begged not to. Begged. Then they got angry and told him to just leave them with me and my son--"you go back and live with her, just leave us here, we want to stay here with [me and my son]."

 

I blocked him from calling or texting me and I unfriended him on Facebook. He begged and cried for me not to block him, but I did it.

 

And I can't stop crying. My past year revolved around him. I'm used to waiting on phone calls. Now even if he calls I won't get them because he's blocked. I'm waiting for the doorbell to ring but it's not. And even if it did, there's nothing to say.

 

I can't stop crying and thinking of how I'm suffering while he's over there putting things back together. I can't stop thinking of how we slept together for 9 nights, finally, and now it's gone. That he was snuggling with me every night on the couch but now he's with her. That he rejected me and happiness and a better life for himself and his kids for THAT.

 

He said it's not like that, that they won't instantly be a happy family now and he won't instantly love her again, but that "she deserves another chance." And I know she's laying it on thick over there, 4 blocks away, telling him everything he wants to hear, giving him all the things he used me for all year--love and time and affection and warmth for him and his children.

 

I'm paralyzed by this. I'm so sad and I hate myself for ever getting involved with him. I should hate him, but I don't. I want to unblock him but then I'll be sad if he doesn't call. If he does, I'm afraid of what he'll say. I couldn't stand him looking at me and treating me like just a friend when we were so much more than that.

 

I don't know what to do with myself. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to get up and do it.

Edited October 16, 2016 by LaurAnn378
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[Cyra]

Im sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain I was in a similar situation where my xMM left his wife to be with me for 2 days and then went back to her when she and her family kept texting, making him feel guilty. So I know what it feels like to have a taste of a future and happiness with someone you love and then it being taken away by the same person.

 

I dont really know what to say to make you feel better, the pain and shock are too fresh now. In your case, he is not even married and they have not been together that long, plus she is horrible to his children I would have thought that would be a deal breaker? Especially if his own kids do not like her and dont want to live with her. I dont really understand to be honest, surely the happiness and well being of his kids should be important to him? From what you said it is dangerous for his kids to be around her and her child.

 

He sounds a bit like a coward (same as my xMM he was a major wimp). What is it that keeps him with her? Is it familiarity? Or perhaps is he a man who is submissive and likes to have a mother figure who is telling him what to do?

 

I dont think that this is over tbh. I think he will soon realize he made a mistake going back when he fully assimilates the misery of his kids. He may well be back knocking on your door, do you know what you'd do in such situation? In my case I took my ex back repeatedly because I loved him and thought it would change but it never did, he was always flip flopping back and forth like a pendulum.

 

You will get a lot of advice and support on this forum, you came to the right place, it has been invaluable for me. Hang in there HUGS

Edited October 16, 2016 by Cyra

[Happy Grl]

Hi Laurann...

 

I just ended a six month affair today as well. My MM has been married for years....and I just knew I couldn't sustain it. I ended it. It hurts so much..,but I'd rather deal with a few weeks of sadness, than years of accepting scraps. That's really the only thing keeping me from going back....is that it is just a vacuum of misery. If my MM decides he needs and wants me he's going to have to take serious measures. It also sounds like you're to cut out for the OW scenerio.

 

As for your situation...if all this woman had to do was whine a little and he went running, then honestly he deserves what he gets and he needs to deal with the consequences of his decision. I would keep his number blocked. It's torture to keep looking at that phone. If he does decide he wants you back, I wold advise you to make him wait. Otherwise you're just going to be his rebound/ fallback girl.

 

I know I sound strong now but I know there will be times I want to call him too....I guess I just have to deal with it as it comes. That's the hard part...filling that huge void. I just remember that I lived my life before we met just fine. He doesn't pay my bills so honestly, I don't really need him or the drama. That should be your mindset right now.

 

If you want to post here, maybe we can vent when we need to. It's good to get it out.. Hugs...

[imsosad]

So sorry for you pain and devestation. It must be extremely hard on you.

I do have to say, when I hear very one sided stories,when one person is perfect and the other is a complete villan,it makes me wonder. If everything he said is 100% true, then his choices are very questionable, especially when it comes to his children. If both he and the kidsare happier with you, what is this 'hold' she has on him? They have been together for two years, half of that time he was involved with you, and have no children. They also dont have joint assets,right?

I also have to say, taking two young children from one girlfriend's house to another girlfriend's house can be very confusing for them. It doesnt matter that they like you and know you. The shift is a big deal.

I know you feel loss and pain. Please dont think Im unsympathetic. I feel your pain and know how much you hurt. I do think your narrative disregards some question marks about your AP's behavior. I also think this isnt over, he will be back. That's why it's important for you to reflect,question,asses and be ready in your mnd and heart to know how to react to his attemopt to reunite.

[beautiful_day]

It just doesn't add up does it? She's horrible, his kids love you, and yet he goes back. There's a simple truth to remember with affairs .... if something does't add up, there's a lie in there somewhere.

 

The other harsh truth is that you are not responsible for his kids, or her son. You are only responsible for your son. And you are the only mum he's got, and he is utterly dependent on you. When he looks back on this period of your lives, what will he say? That my mum chose the wrong man and was heartbroken, but pulled it together for me and made a good life for us both. Or will he say that my mum kept letting this man break her over and over until I hated him, and I did really badly at school because of all the drama, and that's why I'm all messed up.. What you do now matters to his little 7 year old self and to his future self. You you must show him what strength and integrity looks like.

[Forever broken]

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. Remember you only know one side of the story which is his. For all these horrible qualities that you mentioned about his woman, am quite amazed that he still wants to be with her.

 

Be careful because some of these committed men will move up and down to make their partner the bad person in order to win sympathy.

 

If he wants to be with her, let him go. But be sure he doesn't bounce back and forth. He cannot eat his cake and have it.

 

All the best.

[ChickiePops]

This man is a weak, pathetic liar..bouncing from woman to woman without a care about what it's doing to his children and forcing them to live in a house with a bully who physically abuses them. Why doesn't he get his own place? You need to stop blaming his girlfriend for HIS action.

 

Is that really the kind of man you want to set an example for your son?

[goodyblue]

I feel bad that you are going through this. It is hard when we love someone and we can't be. But something isn't adding up here. He is staying for a reason that you don't know, she isn't what he has portrayed, something...

 

And the kids... that is a mess. I have six kids, my h has 1. When he left his ex things were crazy and I shielded my kids. We didn't move in together. We dated for more than a year first. And ours was a sure thing, a done deal.

 

Focus on your little family, let this guy work out his own crap. This is not your problem. Be strong for yourself and your son.

 

There are great men out there who are willing to commit to a woman. Don't be afraid to go out into the dating world.

 

Hang in there. The pain sucks, but it will be ok.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Wow, this guy is either the Coward of the Year or things aren't quite as bad as he claims. Sorry you got messed up in this LA. Keep NC ... your son is an unfortunate participant in this drama.

[elaine567]

He lived a double life for a year, and when his gf found out he ultimately chose her. DO not blame her, the fault if any is to be levelled, is with you and with him. Remember there are three sides to every story, do not assume everything he told you was the truth.

 

The reality is that cheating men tend to tell their OW exactly what they want to hear, and you unfortunately fell for it, like so many do and now you are heart broken.

 

The person you need to do some serious talking to is YOU, you saw him as a father for your child, and you didn't care who you hurt to achieve that. YOU knew he was cheating on her, yet you were hell bent on stealing him.

Did you never consider he would have probably done the same thing to you, great father material that...

 

Don't do that again. Find a man who is completely single to pin your hopes onto.

 

This man is not worth your tears.

[Birdies]

Wow. I am not judging you for getting involved with a MM, but I can't believe this guy would play house with you WITH HIS KIDS, and yours. How very damaging for all of them

[stillafool]

He lived a double life for a year, and when his gf found out he ultimately chose her. DO not blame her, the fault if any is to be levelled, is with you and with him. Remember there are three sides to every story, do not assume everything he told you was the truth.

 

The reality is that cheating men tend to tell their OW exactly what they want to hear, and you unfortunately fell for it, like so many do and now you are heart broken.

 

The person you need to do some serious talking to is YOU, you saw him as a father for your child, and you didn't care who you hurt to achieve that. YOU knew he was cheating on her, yet you were hell bent on stealing him.

Did you never consider he would have probably done the same thing to you, great father material that...

 

Don't do that again. Find a man who is completely single to pin your hopes onto.

 

This man is not worth your tears.

 

I can't second the above enough. People would save themselves so much pain if they would just adhere to the above.

[anika99]

Well based on this story you should probably be reporting both him and his gf to child protective services. What exactly do you love about this poor excuse of a father? Spends his time satisfying himself with two women while dragging his abused kids between his gf's house and his mistresses house instead of being a man and tending to his children's well being. Moving his kids in with you wasn't taking care of them properly either. Also having them at your house while he the cheating and lying was going on was a really sick thing for him to do. What kind of father is this guy?

 

Do you think some of the gf's miserable attitude may have had something to do with his lying and cheating? Sneaking over to your place while his gf was working, and leaving his kids with her teenage daughter. He is horrible. His gf might be horrible too but I wouldn't base my opinion on his words because he cheats, lies and is an unfit parent.

 

You need to be more protective of your child as well. Don't bring this kind of drama into your child's life. Don't let a cheater move in with You and your kid. The whole moving straight from her place right into yours was a big red flag to start with. That is never a healthy way to start a relationship and never good for children.

[Hunniebae]

If his life with her was as bad as he said it was he never would have moved in with you. He would have had an exit plan and moved in his own place without allowing his children to be entangled in his deceit.

 

For five days he had his children living under your roof. He allowed his children to see you, get to know you enough to feel safe and then run back home. Something isn't right here.

 

Its unfortunate that he has you entangled in this mess. I hope you heal from this soon.

[LaurAnn378]

Thank you, everyone, for all of your responses, including the harsh ones.

 

My original post was so long that there was a lot I couldn't get in. Her and I got to know each other this year, so I saw firsthand how she treated the kids and him. She has few friends because of her personality, but she took a liking to me and another friend of mine, and would trash him and the boys every chance she got.

 

He has sole legal custody of his boys. Their real mother had a brain tumor and his debt mounted while she was ill. He's still getting out from under that. Their roles in the family are flipped--she works a whole lot because her taking overtime makes more money than him getting a second job. Then she'll self-admit that she'd rather be at work than parent the kids anyway, but complains that he doesn't get enough done around the house while she's working. Just anything to argue about.

 

My son's father and I split up when he was 1, but he's still a huge and positive part of my son's life. He's also got a lot of other wonderful male figures in his life, so stealing someone else's boyfriend to be a dad for my child wasn't a factor.

 

As for him moving from her house to mine instead of moving out: he's been at his job for 20 years and works 4 am to 1 pm. He could afford to move out, but he'd need overnight childcare and that wouldn't be financially possible.

 

My son is very go with the flow and is okay with how they came and went. We didn't tell any of them that it was forever, only that R and D were having issues and they were staying with us for now. All year, his "reason" for not leaving sooner was so as not to rattle the kids, but over time we realized that our 3 were a good fit together and when her child attacked his own last week, he decided enough was enough, finally.

 

Yes, he is just a coward. Deep down I knew that all along. He's as obsessed with her as he was with me. Honestly there were times I watched him with her this year and wondered why he was even cheating with me when he was straight obsessed with her. Not in a loving way, not in an affectionate way, just in a had-to-be-on-top-of-her way. Doesn't want her but doesn't want anyone else to have her; same as she is with him.

 

I'm just sad. I don't know if this will strengthen their awful relationship. I hate thinking that I was the thing that brings them closer together.

 

I'm so conditioned to wait for phone calls and wait for him to show up. I'm still waiting, except now I'm really waiting for nothing, and I just can't stop crying and I don't know how to begin healing from this.

[Cyra]

I'm so conditioned to wait for phone calls and wait for him to show up. I'm still waiting, except now I'm really waiting for nothing, and I just can't stop crying and I don't know how to begin healing from this.

 

Having gone through the same recently I felt exactly like that for the 1st week. Waiting for the morning phone call, the constant texts, him showing up for my lunch break.. it was so hard to remind myself every time it was not going to happen.

 

Time is the answer. It does get better. 3 weeks later and I don't wait for his texts or calls anymore. Sure sometimes a thought crosses my mind, what if he did? I acknowledge it but don't get entangled with it and dont obsess about it anymore.

 

I found that when he was gone I had such a huge void in my life. All my free time was somehow about him. Texting, talking, being together, obsessing about him. Then he was gone and I had nothing. That was the hardest part.

I was a pathetic emotional wreck, but I am also a living evidence that it does get better and you will get stronger.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Cyra

[sandylee1]

I've just read your opening post.

 

It's very sad. Sad that he is taking his kids back to live with a horrible woman like that. Sad that he doesn't see the damage to them. For those reasons I wouldn't want to be with a man like that. He's not protecting his children.

 

 

The only other thing I might say ... is that he needs some therapy to get the confidence to leave her for good. For the sake of his children.

 

I think you did the right thing in blocking him and deleting him. Ask yourself why you'd want to stay with a father, who witnessed his children begging not to go back. He's failed those poor boys terribly. They are the real victims here.

[LaurAnn378]

I found that when he was gone I had such a huge void in my life. All my free time was somehow about him. Texting, talking, being together, obsessing about him. Then he was gone and I had nothing. That was the hardest part.

I was a pathetic emotional wreck, but I am also a living evidence that it does get better and you will get stronger.

 

That's what happening to me exactly...I feel like I have nothing, I feel this awful emptiness. That nothing is coming. I spent all year watching the clock, counting the hours until I knew I'd talk to him again. Sunday starts her work week and normally I'd be waiting for that phone call to come at 7 tonight; now I know I won't get it and I'm in agony.

 

Every car that drives by, my ears perk up, wondering if it's him and it's not.

 

I'm starting to spaz out now. I'm dying to know what's going on over there. I miss him. I want him to know the pain I'm feeling. I want to fix things but I know there's no going back to what we were, ever, now. I'm so sad.

[LaurAnn378]

I think you did the right thing in blocking him and deleting him. Ask yourself why you'd want to stay with a father, who witnessed his children begging not to go back. He's failed those poor boys terribly. They are the real victims here.

 

I told him that yesterday. I told him that should have been the moment I lost all respect for him. I don't know why I haven't. I don't know how I can miss and love and be here agonizing over a man who would do that. It's disgusting and if I had half a brain I'd hate him for it.

[sandylee1]

I told him that yesterday. I told him that should have been the moment I lost all respect for him. I don't know why I haven't. I don't know how I can miss and love and be here agonizing over a man who would do that. It's disgusting and if I had half a brain I'd hate him for it.

 

It's really shocking.

 

One part of me thinks, is he a victim of abuse. Yet when I've looked at cases where women have been abused and still stayed .... One of the main things that pushes them to leave, is seeing how it affects their children.

 

That he stood there and saw his boys begging not to go back is just heartbreaking. Will it be any suprise that they grow up hating women and end up treating them badly after what they've been through.

 

Maybe she treats them even worse when he's not around. The begging not to go back is a red flag.

 

 

It's just so very sad. I hope those little boys are safe. I hope she isn't doing more than not hugging them.

[Cyra]

That's what happening to me exactly...I feel like I have nothing, I feel this awful emptiness. That nothing is coming. I spent all year watching the clock, counting the hours until I knew I'd talk to him again. Sunday starts her work week and normally I'd be waiting for that phone call to come at 7 tonight; now I know I won't get it and I'm in agony.

 

I felt the same way, it was an awful feeling of emptiness and hopelessness, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

 

But you also have your son to think about, you are not alone.

 

You know in the end he sounds like a weak man. So it is possible that he will come back to you, saying he is sorry. But the thing you must ask yourself can you trust him again? You would always be anxious what if he runs off again or changes his mind again, because that is what spineless men like that do. He sounds like he needs a mother figure to control him and tell him what to do as he is obviously incapable to make sensible decisions for himself and his kids, that is really sad.

 

I know this doesnt help the pain you are feeling right now and unfortunately there is no way to stop the pain with logic. You have to ride it out, it was only yesterday and your heart is broken. It will hurt a little less every day and you will begin to see it for what it is. Stay strong x

[Cloudcuckoo]

It's really shocking.

 

One part of me thinks, is he a victim of abuse. Yet when I've looked at cases where women have been abused and still stayed .... One of the main things that pushes them to leave, is seeing how it affects their children.

 

That he stood there and saw his boys begging not to go back is just heartbreaking. Will it be any suprise that they grow up hating women and end up treating them badly after what they've been through.

 

Maybe she treats them even worse when he's not around. The begging not to go back is a red flag.

 

 

It's just so very sad. I hope those little boys are safe. I hope she isn't doing more than not hugging them.

 

 

I couldn't agree with this more..

 

Those poor boys...who will protect them?

 

They are the subject of bullying by the woman their Father has actually chosen to have a relationship with, apparently to their detriment, and the Father himself is as weak as p*** water and incapable of protecting his own sons.

 

What an effed up situation for those children to be subjected to. Horrid..

[beautiful_day]

We all understand how that new raw pain feels. I certainly do and my heart goes out to you. But the bottom line is that you have absolutely no control over what is happening over there, and I know that's very hard to accept. He might contact you, and for a brief moment the pain will lift, but that is the very worst thing that can happen, because it will all start up again, and it will damage you even more.

 

So let's look on the positive side ...

 

You have ended it, and now you are a free woman. You are young and you have the whole world in front of you. There's many a married woman who'd love to be in your shoes right now. Cry for a week over your broken heart and disappointment. Then put one foot in front of the other for a couple of months and let yourself grieve. Take your son to the library. You'll still feel terrible, but hey, you'll be in the library! Make a delicious smoothie with your son. You'll still feel dreadful, but hey, you'll have a delicious smoothie while you grieve. Get your hair done. You will want to cry in the hairdressers, but your hair will look great! A broken heart is also a great way to lose weight!

 

When you are walking through fire, keep walking.

 

Gradually you'll begin to remember what normal looks like, you'll look up and suddenly realize there is a whole world of dishy men out there, who don't have a sob story to tell, and just want to take you out to dinner and ravish you. Ding dong!

 

There is absolutely no better way to get over a broken heart than to flirt and have fun with members of the opposite sex. Another great way is to travel. Getting some distance from your life helps you to put things in perspective. So try to get the heck out of Dodge for a bit if you can.

 

Get planning. A door might have closed, but a whole lot of new ones just opened, and you didn't even realize it yet!

[LaurAnn378]

The fact that he did this to his boys breaks my heart because I truly love them. We're a part of a group of friends, two other couples and their kids (they knew what was going on with R and me) and those boys see me and the other moms and run to us for affection like puppies. Bad enough they lost their own mother, now they live with a stepmother who can't stand them.

 

When he got back together with D last time after the breakup it put a wedge in his relationship with his mom and sister. D doesn't want her son going to their house, so now his kids barely see their grandmother and aunt who love them.

 

This was one of the red flags I ignored. He's been putting her above his own children forever; how could I EVER come before her?

 

Telling me all week, "I just don't get the hold she has on me...she does love me and the boys, just in her own way...not everyone expresses love the way we do...I'm messed up in the head, you don't deserve this...I have everything I need and want for me and the boys right here but I'm throwing it away..." Well, yeah.

 

But it's 7:00 and I'm here waiting for him to call me, praying he'll call me, this sad pathetic horrible man who doesn't deserve even one of these tears.

[Marc878]

You can't fix him but your really need to fix yourself. Keeping yourself in limbo for a spineless weakling? Why?