Sexless from the beginning

[deafsilence]

I have been reading about sexless marriages and it seems to follow a pattern- years in marriage and then sexless. Mine, however, is different since we have been sexless from the beginning. We have been married for almost 3 years now. At first, I considered the fact that we were both virgins and he could be conscious or became very disappointed since he couldn't insert "it" at first. But days after days and he doesn't initiate sex only when we haven't seen each other for some time. By the way, I have never orgasmed during sex..I have to finger myself or sometimes he would just not reciprocate the deed. The first time I tried a lingerie, it worked but after that, it didn't seem to have an effect. a month or two would pass by without touching each other and we would if I initiate it. I'm 27 and a virgin before I got married so yes I was hungry for humping and multiple orgasms or sex all night. Seems to be a myth now. I have lost all my self-esteem, I am very confused because when I try to discuss it with him he would be denying that there is a problem that its all in my head. I feel so hopeless, so torn, useless, confused. Help.

[Cephalopod]

We will tell you whatever are telling another poster now. Get out now before you waste anymore time on this person. He will not change. If he is a normal, heterosexual male in his prime, you and he should be having sex no less than five times a week, and ten to fifteen times a week would be more normal.

 

If he is not gay, or not suffering from a health or hormonal issue, he should be pulling your clothes off every chance he gets and doing all he can to get you off as much as you can stand.

[BaileyB]

This is not normal and it's not in your head. I would be very unhappy if my partner was so dismissive to me when I try to discuss what is a serious concern. If you want a normal, healthy relationship, I'm afraid that you will have to leave this marriage and find someone else. I would think after all this time and the fact that your relationship has never been any different, that this problem is unlikely to change. Good luck to you.

[deafsilence]

We will tell you whatever are telling another poster now. Get out now before you waste anymore time on this person. He will not change. If he is a normal, heterosexual male in his prime, you and he should be having sex no less than five times a week, and ten to fifteen times a week would be more normal.

 

If he is not gay, or not suffering from a health or hormonal issue, he should be pulling your clothes off every chance he gets and doing all he can to get you off as much as you can stand.

 

I think about divorce but he is very kind and compassionate to me. I'm so damn confused.

[BluesPower]

Kind and whatever, who cares....

 

Something is wrong with him, the things you desire are not a myth, they happen everyday.

 

You are a young woman and you NEED sex, everyone does. If he cannot figure out what the deal is then you have to leave the marriage.

 

Let me give you an example: When my wife and I were first married, we had sex every spare moment that we could. 2, 3, 4 or more times a day. When we could, we would basically have sex all day and all night. We would stop and eat, take a nap, and go right back at it. This also explains why she was pregnant through most of our early marriage until we could not have anymore children.

 

We are in our 50's now and we still try to make love every day.

 

There is nothing wrong with you at all. Something is very, very wrong with your husband.

 

You need to get out of this marriage if he cannot get with the program.

[oldshirt]

since you have returned to this thread and made another post, I will address both you and Lifelearner's issue on this thread since she has only made one post and you never know if someone will return or not.

 

Since your sexlife has basically been nonexistent since the beginning and he isn't making any effort to address it, there is no reason to believe it will ever be any better.

 

As the other's have stated, there is something abnormal about him.

 

Unless he is out getting down with dudes, I do not believe homosexuality is to blame for this. Gay dudes seek out and get it on with dudes. They do not typically marry straight women and then live lives of celibacy.

 

Chances are he is simply a sexual dud.

 

Noone would expect you to live a life of involuntary celibacy. I am not church person, but even the catholic church would grant annulment and allow you to marry someone else in such a circumstance as procreation is an expectation of marriage.

 

A man that has virtually no interest or desire in sex is so aberrant and so far from the norm that I do not think there is anything that can be done for him or anything that will change his desire.

 

It does not matter how you look or what you wear or how you treat him or how well do the things a wife is supposed to do - he will still be a dud in bed.

 

If you want an active, satisfactory love and sex life, you are simply going to have to find it with someone else.

 

And better sooner rather than later while you still have your "pretty."

 

Right now there are millions of young men that are craving and laying awake nights wanting a young women with which to have a good sex life and relationship with.

 

Unless you are locked away in the tower, you will be amongst these men every day and if you remain in this dissatisfactory marriage much longer it is just a matter of time before you do commit adultery. that is inevitable if you remain in this state. The temptation and opportunities will just be too great.

 

Your best and most efficient option is to compassionately pursue an amicable and cooperative divorce and put this behind you.

[Cephalopod]

I think about divorce but he is very kind and compassionate to me. I'm so damn confused.

 

You have needs. He is not meeting them. That is not fair or kind or compassionate. You deserve a man desires you sexually and wants to please you.

[aileD]

I think about divorce but he is very kind and compassionate to me. I'm so damn confused.

 

So he's a very good friend. You can stay friends with him. There's nothing wrong with that. But in a marriage, sex and intimacy is important. Just look at how you feel. Abandoned, low self esteem.

 

I'm thinking he's gay, cheating, or something is medically wrong with him. All three of those things have nothing to do with your worth so stop thinking it's you.

[Bufo]

Prediction here. It's not going to get any better. You may wish to read about asexuality by googling that topic. It exists. Per their own words in an asexuality

Blog/forum they simply have no desire for sex although romance appeals to some. Your H may be in that category. Sort of like you being heterosexual, he may be "built" as an asexual.

 

One more thought. It seems that you have not been married long. It is far easier to dissolve a newer marriage than one with kids, debts, a mortgage and the other detritus of marriage. I'm not telling you to divorce as that is your exclusive prerogative. But I am telling you to think about it versus being where you are in 10 years with him. Have you even discussed the issue of children with him?

[deafsilence]

Prediction here. It's not going to get any better. You may wish to read about asexuality by googling that topic. It exists. Per their own words in an asexuality

Blog/forum they simply have no desire for sex although romance appeals to some. Your H may be in that category. Sort of like you being heterosexual, he may be "built" as an asexual.

 

One more thought. It seems that you have not been married long. It is far easier to dissolve a newer marriage than one with kids, debts, a mortgage and the other detritus of marriage. I'm not telling you to divorce as that is your exclusive prerogative. But I am telling you to think about it versus being where you are in 10 years with him. Have you even discussed the issue of children with him?

 

We haven't discussed children too although sometimes he would say " when we have kids.." or when we have twins.. which pretty ambitious considering we're not really having sex.

[elaine567]

We haven't discussed children too although sometimes he would say " when we have kids.." or when we have twins.. which pretty ambitious considering we're not really having sex.

 

DO NOT ever have unprotected sex with this man, as the last thing you want is to get pregnant and then feel you HAVE to stay with him for the sake of the child.

 

I don't really think it matters why this man does not want to have sex with you, whether he is gay, whether he is cheating, whether he is asexual, whether he has a very low sex drive or whether this is a medical issue is irrelevant. The fact is you have little or no sex life.

That is not going to change suddenly after 3 years. He is also gaslighting you into thinking the issue is all in your head and that ain't good either and probably implies he is hiding something.

My guess is that he is gay and you are his "beard", or he has a lover and that this marriage is just a sham to cover that up.

He won't be the only man who has a long term gf on the side, but who got married to a virgin, to keep up appearances in society.

So IMO you need to walk, unless you want to bunk up with a room-mate for the rest of your life.

[lillybelle]

Hello,

 

There could be a number of reasons why your husband doesn't want sex. Maybe he has stigma from religious beliefs or upbringing, maybe he has a low sex drive due to hormonal/physical/psychological reasons. Is it possible he could have a psychological erectile dysfunction issue?

 

I was married 8 years, I had sex once before my ex husband so no experience beforehand. My husband complained I never wanted to have sex in the first couple of years and he was right. It continued throughout our marriage. My sex drive increased as I got older and then my ex no longer wanted it. We were never on the same page with it. We had a very bad marriage in other ways as well.

We broke up and I am now with somebody else. We have sex at least twice a day/night and were having it 5 and 6 times a day the first few months. Never a day goes by that I don't think about doing it with him and he will initiate it a lot too. Some people just don't go together very well sexually. And it can be due to the fact that they don't go together well as partners in general. He could be sweet, nice etc... but friends can be that. You do need a flame burning for each other. Maybe not all the time, but still there in the background. He needs to work on this with you or his marriage is in danger. Never let a person tell you that your needs won't be met. Never let them deny that they're not being met. You know what you need, you know what's missing. Tell him you need change - ask if he will see a doctor, or counsellor/psychologist to try and get to the cause of the issue. If nothing changes and he is just the way he is, then you need to re-evaluate your future. Only you know what feels right for you. And what feels right and good may not be possible in your marriage. I hope it is though. You may feel guilty that he is kind, that you agreed to marry him for better or for worse. But we are only human and cannot predict everything. Only you know what's best. Not your family, husband, church or anything else. All you can do is communicate your needs and seek out professional help. If he refuses, then you need to decide whether you can live in a platonic marriage.

[Phoenician]

compatibility is the key word .

I know happy partners who are both LD ,

miserable partners who have different level of desires ;

I have been through hard 15 years of mismatched desires ;

I am lucky that her desires are changing toward the better now ; the key issue is not I triggered it by fulfulling her shopping desires , rather by working on her selfisheness.

 

If you are patient you might reach a good position in 10 years !

do you really have to go through this ?

from your words it seems you are normal / High Desires ....

while he is LD or a sexual .

 

from my experience Women tend to have their desires increase with age ,

while our performance as male decrease with age .

if he can not satisfy you , you will starve .

 

I have always beleieved that givilogy is the key factor ; if he is not selfish ,physical is not the main issue ; he has a tongue , hands ...

 

is he selfish ?

 

I believe so , if you have expressed your desires and he is still like a statue.

 

my advise : RUN .

 

best of luck