FlutterBug Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Okay, I know I'm going to get a lot of flack about this but here goes. My husband's married business partner is having multiple affairs with company employees. They do a lot of traveling and this man has at least one "girl friend" in each city they travel to. If he's going to a place where he doesn't have a girlfriend he'll make arrangements for one to meet him. His wife found out about one of them a couple of years ago but they reconciled, went to counseling, he promised that it would never happen again, etc. She took him back and is now thinking everything is peachy keen. My husband has talked to him about the infidelity first and foremost and secondarily about the legal ramifications of "dipping your pen in the company ink". Everyone from business associates, to all other employees, know except her. Here is my dilemma. I think the wife should be told. It's one thing to be a fool, it's an entirely different matter to be a public fool. I would want to know. I am also concerned for her because of all the diseases running rampant. I need advice on whether or not to tell her and if so, how to go about it. Should I send an anonymous note or letter telling her to "surprise" him on his next out of town trip, or one with names/dates/cities, a telephone call, or just mind my own business? I must admit that I am chicken/coward to do a face-to-face. We don't really know each other as we live in different states and our husband's offices are out of our homes. And one last thing. He has bragged publically that he stays with her because she makes a "huge" salary. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Heavy Artillery Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Out of sheer morbid curiosity you should tell her. Might be a good laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Tell her. She has a right to know, as it is her health that he is willingly risking. Not to mention everything else. She is good enough to partly pay for these escapades, but hardly for anything else? As for the way to tell her, that is a difficult matter. Arrange for something that is comfortable for you. Perhaps an anonymous letter with all the details would be best. But write it really well, as you must try to give her on the one hand all the proof that she needs to confirm her husband's escapades, and on the other hand must write it with empathy, so as to make her understand that you have absolutely no malicious intent. It is hard enough to go through this one time, but it is even harder to have to have face the reality, that this behavior has not stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Hello, Of course tell her. There is a possibility that if you do not tell her and it eventually is found out your husband will be shown to have condoned this behavior and perpetrated it by not saying anything. I think this person may bring down your husband when he goes down as well. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Perhaps you should talk to your husband about this and see what he thinks. You might jeopardize his partnership with this man. His wife knows he's been unfaithful before so it's her choice to stay with him. You would like to know because you would leave your husband if he were unfaithful, right? Well she hasn't. If you tell her, she probably won't leave him just like she didn't before. Things will become complicated, she will be unhappy, her kids (if any) will suffer, and the partnership with your husband will be at stake too. I'd say mind your own business. Link to post Share on other sites
JenniferJuniper Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 I must respectfully disagree with RecordProducer. Although she has some valid points, I doubt that just because she (the wife) took him back once, it was an invitation for him to continue deceitful and dangerous behavior. They went to counceling to save the marriage, which takes time, effort, money, and "blood, sweat & tears". Thats a lot of hard work for someone to do without expecting or wanting positive change! Yes, it may make the wife unhappy, and any children involved, but would it be better for them to live a lie, while at the same time be exposed to disease, possible pregnancies of other women, and the object of public humiliation? Perhaps it may not be any of your business(?), but I feel that this woman deserves to know now from an empathetic and concerned source. The way things sound to be going, she may eventually find out anyway, and it may not be so pretty. There's nothing wrong with wanting to help someone. This man obviously does not love her and is using her, and I know I would want to know if someone had information such as this concerning me. I agree with one of the above posters, an anonymous letter, expressing only concern, and enough evidence for her to have proof. Sometimes we need to watch out for one another! **Good Luck** Link to post Share on other sites
VirginiaBob Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 In the past, I've always told. I told one friend with a fiance that was cheating and he did not believe a word of what I told him, was all angry with me, and never talked to me again. But I still don't regret my decision. Link to post Share on other sites
floatinglotus Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Originally posted by VirginiaBob In the past, I've always told. I told one friend with a fiance that was cheating and he did not believe a word of what I told him, was all angry with me, and never talked to me again. But I still don't regret my decision. No one likes the bearer of bad news. This is a given. I think it is wise therefore, to write an anonymous yet sympathetic letter and leave it at that. If it was a "one off" affair I would not be inclined to tell but serial cheating is dangerous and offensive. Just remember, remain anonymous. You must look after your own interests too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 I think I disagree with most everyone here. If you have all this information because your husband told you, then he has trusted you with something that he obviously prefers not to do anything about. He tried talking to this guy, but he refuses to listen. If you send an anonymous note, do you plan on telling your husband? Not telling him or doing this without his consent will then leave you with a secret you're keeping from your husband and suddenly the drama will have seeped into your world. Don't let this guy's marital infidelities ruin trust in your own marriage. If this guy is as public about his affairs as you say he is, then eventually all the deceipt will come crashing down around him. He'll bury himself. Talk to your husband, and if he agrees to tip off this guy's wife anonymously, then do it. Just don't do it behind your husband's back. Link to post Share on other sites
Leah Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 "It's one thing to be a fool, it's an entirely different matter to be a public fool. I would want to know. I am also concerned for her because of all the diseases running rampant." No two ways about it and dont delay !! Tell her ... and do it with an anonymous letter !! Link to post Share on other sites
WoodenHorsey Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 I agree with the people who said you should think of your hubby first. At least ask him what he thinks, or ask him to pressure his friend more to stop if he can do that since they are co-workers. If you tell her without him knowing or saying it's okay, then it might backfire on you and you may lose HIS trust. I think the anonymous letter idea is sneaky - what if your hubby found out anyway, now you have lied to him and done something sneaky behind his back and he may be very upset with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Leah Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 "I think the anonymous letter idea is sneaky - what if your hubby found out anyway, now you have lied to him and done something sneaky behind his back and he may be very upset with you." Sneak ? upset your husband and lose his trust ? Give me a break !! This isn't a game, we're talking about the health and welfare of another. Actually, if the wife of this man acquires a disease and finds out later that someone had knowledge and did not come forward... well, she may have cause for legal action. Flutterbug, you are a separate and independent person... you have the ability to think and form logical conclusions, none of which should be subject to someone else's "permission". Face it, there are times in life that we just go ahead and do the right thing just because it is the right thing to do. Send the letter and keep it to yourself ... or better yet, DONT keep it to yourself and dare anyone to dispute you for making the morally correct decision. Link to post Share on other sites
millefiori Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 I think the wife of the husband's partner should be informed, but I guess, I'd do it anonymously. I highly suspect that the messenger will get shot down in such and no need to inflict avoidable harm on oneself. Out of respect for her husband though she should ask him first how he intends to deal with it. If he is not able to solve this conflict she should follow her own conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Originally posted by WoodenHorsey I agree with the people who said you should think of your hubby first. At least ask him what he thinks, or ask him to pressure his friend more to stop if he can do that since they are co-workers. Nonsense. The cheating husband may have quite a number of mistresses. Everybody but his wife seems to know. So far no one has undertaken any course of action to improve this situation. Pleading won't work - even a commitment cheating-husband made to his wife a couple of years ago does not work. What else is there to do, but to inform her? If you tell her without him knowing or saying it's okay, then it might backfire on you and you may lose HIS trust. It might have an impact true. But he knows what is up. Either he has totally idiotic morals (cheating is okay, if the wife does not know), or simplly does not care about other person's health. Both are no excuses to keep silent about this. I thought men preferred to be married to women with good morals. There is nothing wrong with showing these good morals. She is married to her husband, but that in no way implies that she is in a morally subservenient position to him. I think the anonymous letter idea is sneaky - what if your hubby found out anyway, now you have lied to him and done something sneaky behind his back and he may be very upset with you. If not informing is lying, what is her husband exactly doing about the whole situation. Exactly the same thing. So this excuse does not hold. Link to post Share on other sites
Leah Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 d'Arthez ... Amen brother !! There is not one excuse for either of these people to keep this horrible secret from the cheater's wife. ANYONE here who implies reason for hedging and second thoughts about telling the wife... well I say to you, if your spouse was doing this and you later found out everyone knew but for whatever reason ... they just werent telling you... i'm sure you would squeal with horror and condemn every single person who did NOT tell... and please don't try to come back and say you would NOT !! There are no "decisions" to make here. Let the woman know ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 If I felt the urge to tell her, I would first ask her "If your husband was cheating on you, would you rather know or not?" She would probably say 'yes' and get the picture and ask you what's going on. You don't have to tell her anything else. If she wants to know, she will catch him herself once you gave her a hint. In any case I agree with Lonestar. If your husband disagrees, he will never confide in you again. If he is so public about cheating then I am sure she is not so stupid to not notice what's going on. Especially because he cheated once, she is aware of his habit. I am assuring you that she probably won't divorce him if they have children, you will just create drama in their home. Even if she divorces him, do you want to be the one who split them? You should be aware of the huge responsibility you'retrying to take on your back; your action will affect a few people's lives. She is probably not as dumb as you think. You will just let her know that you all think she is dumb for ignoring his infidelity and staying with him. What do you want to accomplish? If it's the STD's then tell HIM to use a condom and be careful. If you think it's not right then tell him that you will tell his wife everything if he continues like that. But you don't have the courage to do that, which is completely understandable. So all you want is that she finds out. I am not saying she shouldn't know; I am just saying that you should think twice about choosing yourself to be the one to tell her. And again, how will that affect their business partnership? Your husband might be very disappointed in you if you ruin his business relationship with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 RP: but could you imagine living with a husband who does not live up to your moral standards for the rest of your life? If he is so distrusting of his wife, his wife has every reason to believe that his morals are not as good as hers. And this is not dealing with a suspicion someone else is cheating. This is dealing with a situation in which that person flaunts to all the world, except to his wife that he is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Leah Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 Well... in my life's experience, I've found that most immoral people will fail in business, often taking the company (or at least the division) down with them. Therefore, your husband would be better off either distancing himself from this man, the company, or both... that is if you enjoy stability in life. The WIFE is the one who needs the opportunity to decide if she needs to know !!! Not anyone else... so give her the same opportunity that YOU would like to have yourself ... If you define yourself through your husband then you need to come to your own conclusions and act accordingly.... if your husband has a problem with that, then perhaps you have a bigger problem ... with him Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlutterBug Posted July 10, 2005 Author Share Posted July 10, 2005 Thanks to all who responded to my post. My husband and I have been discussing all the comments and have reached a conclusion. I am going to buy a mushy card and write a mushy note in it. I'm going to say I love him, miss him, miss the sex... it's been 2 weeks since he's been to Florida, when is he coming back? ... sign it from his girlfriend in Orlando and mail it to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 OUCH! To be a fly on the wall but how will you have it post marked from Florida? BRAVO to your creativity about HOW to inform her! I agree that being a fool is one thing but a PUBLIC? FOOL? No way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlutterBug Posted July 10, 2005 Author Share Posted July 10, 2005 We live in FL and I'll arrange to have a friend mail it when we're out of state next week. Link to post Share on other sites
debs Posted July 10, 2005 Share Posted July 10, 2005 My bad I didn't notice that is where you live! I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall! Link to post Share on other sites
millefiori Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 Originally posted by FlutterBug I am going to buy a mushy card and write a mushy note in it. I'm going to say I love him, miss him, miss the sex... it's been 2 weeks since he's been to Florida, when is he coming back? ... sign it from his girlfriend in Orlando and mail it to his wife. Excellent idea. Link to post Share on other sites
JenniferJuniper Posted July 11, 2005 Share Posted July 11, 2005 I had a feeling your husband would not be a problem, as he himself had urged his partner to stop his ways. Great idea...please let us know how it works out. I feel bad for this woman, but she deserves to know the truth. **Good Luck** Link to post Share on other sites
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