Can't understand SO's behavior

[stillyoung]

I'm middle-aged, divorced, with two grade school kids. I work full time and am the sole caretaker for the kids, as no relatives are nearby. Been dating guy who was widowed a few years ago, all of us were childhood friends so known each other for 30 ish years.

 

He and his wife were constantly together and with no kids they were able to devote everything to each other. She didn't work, so everything was about him. Well he had wanted to date me and what happened was that an easy friendship all of a sudden became this relationship with all these rules. Like he wanted to be with me constantly, because that's how a good relationship "should be." He hated my ex because he had made it a contentious separation, but I just wanted us to be sort of on good terms because of the kids. But SO would have a strong opinion on all of our dealings. He'd say, if you care about someone you want what's best for them, but I kept saying I have to work these things out myself. He kind of wanted a say in all these decisions, for example about the kids and their bedtimes, etc., so there was to me a lot of boundary crossings.

 

The biggest problem was I felt he was very clingy. If I told him I needed space he'd get very offended. If I told him I wanted an evening to do nothing, he would say, oh you wanted to mellow out but why did you take the kids to the pizza place (or whatever)? There became a lot of "how come you... when you said ..." It's like I had to account for every minute I didn't want to be with him. Once I just bluntly said, I just dont want to spend this evening with you, sometimes a person just doesnt," but he got so massively offended and didn't speak to me for a while. (we were seeing each other the whole weekend plus about two weekend nights. He didn't ahve a car so he had to stay over each time because of public transportation out to my area.)

 

Lately the times we are actually together becomes arguments about why we didn't spend more time together. Because he doesn't have a car he has to stay over on weeknights if he's over. But then he'll say he's been there x amount of hours and I only spent 20 min with him, or whatever, because I'm wrapped up in getting dinner for the kids, homework, baths, etc. But he sees it as out of 14 hrs, he got only 20 min. He doesn't count the time we are all of us together. He did say how he hates to be alone. But it seems it's become "my problem" if he's lonely. I said you have to do more with your friends, etc. But if he did make plans with other people, he'd say it like it was punishment for me. Like he wouldn't answer my calls and just curtly say, I'm busy. Isn't that what you wanted. Well yeah, but even if I was with friends, I'd answer the phone and chit chat a bit.

 

All this just pushes me away more an more, and eventually I said I can't stand being berated like that for dealing with the kids or wanting alone time. I know I don't have a lot of time to give but I think I give about what a wife/mom with kids would do in a marriage. Don't you work on dinner together, each might work with one kid on homework, you go shopping for clothes together or whatever. We have some date nights but somehow they are discounted, that dinner was too rushed, you were distracted that other time, or well they're only once a week or two. It's like I can't win, nothing is ever enough.

 

He's super good with the kids and all my friends love him, and he gets along with everyone. It's just the clingy thing and how desperate he gets when he's alone, he gets almost mean to me. I say it's not up to me to solve every thing for him,but he just gets insulted. What do I do.

[BlueIris]

Get away from this guy. He is bossy and a passive aggressive manipulative emotional black hole who will suck you dry. Set yourself free.

[Mr. Lucky]

All this just pushes me away more an more, and eventually I said I can't stand being berated like that for dealing with the kids or wanting alone time. I know I don't have a lot of time to give but I think I give about what a wife/mom with kids would do in a marriage. Don't you work on dinner together, each might work with one kid on homework, you go shopping for clothes together or whatever. We have some date nights but somehow they are discounted, that dinner was too rushed, you were distracted that other time, or well they're only once a week or two. It's like I can't win, nothing is ever enough.

 

He seems emotionally stunted, almost like he's never been in a real-world relationship before. I would also have zero patience with someone jealous of or trying to compete with the time I spend with my kids.

 

Red flags all around...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Buddhist]

You realise that this is a man who has never learnt to spend time on his own, he has gone from the family home into a marital home where he was the sole focus and now thinks this is how relationships are. Honestly at this age I don't think there is a lot of hope for his pattern of behaviour to change. If he reacts to everything by getting offended and blowing things out of proportion then I just don't think he's a very mature individual. It doesn't seem as if he is capable of sharing your attention with your children.

 

I think what he needs is another relationship where he is once again the sole focus of his partner's attention. It really doesn't matter what everyone elses opinion of him is. If he can't give you the space and understanding you require then he just isn't a viable partner for you. I would say talk it out but you've tried and his reaction just doesn't seem to signal that he's willing to make any accomodations at all.

[stillyoung]

I guess i kind of realized these things, about him never living alone, etc. But i jyst wondered if something could make him realize that most people dont like that clingy stuff. Except maybe teenagers...

 

I know i was somewhat like that years ago, having that entitled attitude like you owe me what i want, just because im spending time with you. It took a horrid breakup to snap me out of it, i learned a lot especially about humility and respect for others. I was hoping there was a way to make him see this perspective.

 

Of course im only saying the bad stuff. Hes very loyal, not a cheater, is polite, gets along with everyone, great with the kids, responsible, frugal with money, has a stable job, etc. Compared to what some of my friends deal with... This sort of entitlement clingy stuff is one of the few things, it just drives me nuts though. Id like to see if we could salvage things. Dating other women might be a reality check, but he may just find the clingy woman and grab onto her before expanding his perspective.

[aileD]

His wife is his ideal

 

No other woman will ever live up to her.

[startingagain15]

My husband died when I was 36. Starting to date again was very hard. I waited a couple years and even then it was hard. I got into a relationship and didn't know how to "just date."

 

I had expectations of it being like being married, because that is what I wanted. To be married again, I didn't ask to not be married, I didn't get divorced, my dh was taken from me. I wanted back what I had.

 

And it's still crushing sometimes how that was taken away from me, with absolutely no choice. And I want to panic and corner my BF into a commitment, even though I know that's not appropriate and would only serve to scare him away. So I see what he might be feeling. I had to learn how to be in a dating relationship, to not expect to be in constant communication with my BF and not have to see him every single day. To not know what he is doing 100% of the time. It was a learning experience, and 17 months into this relationship I'm still learning.

 

If you'd like to continue with him maybe discuss your concerns, talk to him about expectations in a non-threatening way. It sounds like maybe he could benefit from some grief counseling. I know it helped me get myself back together afterwards.

[stillyoung]

And it's still crushing sometimes how that was taken away from me, with absolutely no choice. And I want to panic and corner my BF into a commitment, even though I know that's not appropriate and would only serve to scare him away. So I see what he might be feeling. I had to learn how to be in a dating relationship, to not expect to be in constant communication with my BF and not have to see him every single day.

 

Wow, that must be tough. I do know, at least logically, how he is feeling. But he insists that he is ready to start anew, and even when I say you are still not over things, he insists I am wrong and he is ready. Maybe that is just panic speaking, that he is so afraid to be alone that he can't even admit it to himself. He's said to me that he sees me as a total loner, and that I'd be more happy by myself. Of course that is not true, I am capable of forming meaningful relationships and am very sociable, but that's how extreme he thinks.

 

You mentioned you can see that the "cornering" behavior can drive someone away, he can't see that at all. He just says that he is giving so much and I am not willing to compromise. Any ideas, then, how I can direct him to examine these things. I don't want to venture into the "if only he would change" territory, but moreso that I can explain the behaviors that are getting to me. Or to help him with stuff he is going through.

[stillyoung]

His wife is his ideal

 

No other woman will ever live up to her.

 

Geez, I hope that's not true. I know it's a possibility though that i should keep in mind. Funny, though, he completely insists that he's moved on.

[lillybelle]

He sounds a bit immature with relationships. But I know it's very hard to adjust from married life to dating life.

I left my (abusive) husband and jumped straight into a relationship a year ago with my best friend and work partner. Now that sounds like a freaking disaster and bad decision. Overall, it has worked so well in some ways. We are still so close and we fell madly in love. We are very similar and so a lot of things slotted into place. But there was a hole in me that wasn't and probably still isn't healed and that affected our relationship and I became a bit clingy, demanding, critical and confused. Not a lot, just now and then when I'd realise

.. hey, I'm not married anymore. Because it was easy for me to assume that I had everything I had in my marriage with the new guy, plus SO much more. My marriage was awful, so I forgot that I was actually losing some things by getting divorced. The thrill of the new relationship with a much more kind, caring and amazingly strong man blinded me to that. So things would pop up and remind me that I didn't have the "til death do we part", or in my case beyond death because we excluded that from our vows because of religious beliefs. I'd suddenly feel insecure and scared and cling onto him and push for more commitment. He was understanding but it frustrated him and he didn't totally get it. Your partner is feeling insecure and lost in this new relationship. It's hard not to when you're used to being married. You sound very understanding, but this will become a huge strain if he doesn't also understand you and your needs. It sounds like you are in a more developed place, you know who you are, you're strong... he probably has lost his sense of self. He's not ready for a relationship. But neither was I. Some of us can never be "ready", and it can still turn out wonderful. But he needs to realise that he's being unreasonable so you can both work on this weakness together. My partner probably would have gone mad if I wasn't rational about it. I recognised that I was being too demanding, but I just couldn't control my feelings well. It took time for me to feel more secure, and adjust to dating from marriage. My partner did give more though. We spoke a lot about the future, he said he wants to be with me forever if that's possible and if we can make it work, that I'm his best friend, that he loves me and while we both have a lot of adjusting to do (him being a long time bachelor and me being newly divorced), that he will be patient with me. But that we both have to compromise a little for each other. Talking like that helped me feel a lot more secure and I no longer try to rush anything or demand things from him. Now he's actually the one that's more comfortable with commitment than me, whereas I am trying to hold onto the thrill of the new relationship and not wanting too much all at once. Relationships and emotions are tricky and ever changing... I hope he will be receptive and that you can find common ground.

[aileD]

Geez, I hope that's not true. I know it's a possibility though that i should keep in mind. Funny, though, he completely insists that he's moved on.

 

Those are his words. His actions don't say the same thing.

 

Or maybe he has moved on, but still holds his marriage as something to compare all other relationships to

[mmb4love]

Adult relationships include being able to and know when to compromise. But when your own children are involved their needs become more important especially while they are still young. Since your SO hasn't had children of his own, I assume it may be a reason why he is so demanding of your attention, too.

It might make your life a little easier if you consider telling him that your children are your first priority, and because they're still young, they are dependent on and still need your attention. He should, as an adult, understand that. Wishing you the best!

[Lion Heart]

Wow, that must be tough. I do know, at least logically, how he is feeling. But he insists that he is ready to start anew, and even when I say you are still not over things, he insists I am wrong and he is ready. Maybe that is just panic speaking, that he is so afraid to be alone that he can't even admit it to himself. He's said to me that he sees me as a total loner, and that I'd be more happy by myself. Of course that is not true, I am capable of forming meaningful relationships and am very sociable, but that's how extreme he thinks.

 

You mentioned you can see that the "cornering" behavior can drive someone away, he can't see that at all. He just says that he is giving so much and I am not willing to compromise. Any ideas, then, how I can direct him to examine these things. I don't want to venture into the "if only he would change" territory, but moreso that I can explain the behaviors that are getting to me. Or to help him with stuff he is going through.

 

I don't want to sound negative but you guys aren't matched well. IMO.

 

For whatever reasons; his grief & desperation for an exact replica of his previous M. Your independence and "way" of being atm ie focus on kids and getting along amicably with exH (which is ADMIRABLE might I add).

 

He's pretty much a control freak. Everyone likes control of

Their lives but constantly telling your SO how to control theirs? Mmmm. No.

Red flags.

If he's doing this whilst you guys live apart?

Can you imagine these behaviours ramping up?

Because they will should you live together.

 

I ran a mile from a LTR once I twigged just how completely controlling he HAD to be. Which didn't make him happy anyway lol.

He was just NEVER happy with me.

I was ALWAYS doing something wrong.

And he sulked big time.

Sometimes I didn't even NOTICE him sulking lol.

Then when I didn't notice he would blow his stack.

 

There's a cycle of violence right there.

 

I broke up with him.

He M someone who was COMPLETELY subservient to him.

COMPLETELY dependent upon him which he LOVED.

EVEN got her children's father out of her daughter's lives as he had dictated to me to do. But I refused.

He told me she lacked my intelligence lol.

But that's the TYPE of woman who suited him.

 

Hence I think you're not as well suited as you'd enjoy in a better matched partner. Him neither!

 

If you DO continue on to a deeper commitment:

* never become dependent on him financially or in any other ways.

* get a pre-nup.

* most certainly get some things VERY clear as not to be challenged upon any more ie YOUR parenting decisions and the children's father.

I'm talking about ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES.

 

The Cycle of Violence does not have to involve physical abuse. I encourage you to read up on it because you described yourself being pushed into a corner.

 

That's EXACTLY what happens in these relationships.

 

Holding up your boundaries to such partners and having to RESTATE them continuously is HOW people with deficit childhood experiences behave....or pre-existing relationship expectations. Maybe. Him. Not you.

 

It's exhausting. See what you think.

A counsellor would be best explaining this to him.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart