Seven months down the drain...

[buglet78]

My 7 month affair with a MM ended this morning.

 

We had met through a volunteer organization that we both belonged to. One evening, I needed a ride home from our meeting, and he was the one to give me a ride. A friendship started to develop between us which turned into an EA (we would have nightly, hours-long Facebook messenger conversations - he would tell me that he thought about me a lot, he couldn't have been happier that he found me, I was his dream girl, and on and on and on). He would also message me in the mornings as well (we both get up for work at similar times).

 

During one of those conversations, he admitted that he was still married, but he and his wife didn't "have anything anymore" (they had no intimacy, no I love yous, she wouldn't even get undressed in front of him), and that he was only in the marriage for financial reasons and had known that he could not go on like that. I went along with it, even though I had reservations about things.

 

The PA started not long after that (we had exchanged a couple of hugs during the "friendship", that both of us had found attractive). It felt intense, and it felt really good for both of us. I was all in!

 

Around the middle of May, we had started making plans for him to move in with me in October (he had committed to a family vacation with his in-laws around the middle to end of September). The future faking started then, and just kept on going (we even discussed finances, and where he was going to put his things in the house - it really felt real).

 

At the beginning of September, he had asked if we could move the October 1 move-in date to Oct 14. I went along with it, life does happen, and it was with enough notice that I didn't think anything of it.

 

Two weeks ago, he announced to the organization that we were both a part of that he was leaving his "toxic relationship" to move in with me (he had been a part of this organization for many years and apparently had told a good number of people there all the details of his marriage problems).

 

Monday the 10th, he messaged me stating that he had had The Talk with his wife and that he was starting to pack his things up.

 

Thursday evening, he started moving some things into my house. He virtually vanished Friday and yesterday, claiming that he had things he needed to do, but would be moving everything else in today.

 

This morning, he came to my door and told me that he and his wife had spoken to the leaders of their church (he is religious, I am not), and that both of them had acknowledged that they made mistakes, and that they would work on their marriage.

 

It took him about an hour to get everything he had moved in out of my house (and he was loitering around the house for some of that time too - just hurry up , get your stuff out, and get out of my life!).

 

I have blocked him from Facebook, email, phone, the works. I have also done the same to our mutual friends (I just don't need the drama). I have also tendered my resignation to the organization that we both belong to. I also got the locks on my doors rekeyed.

 

Why was I foolish enough to go along with this? I feel like such a fool right now.

[aileD]

Don't feel like a fool.

 

Yes,you got caught up in something you shouldn't have. In retrospect you should have demanded he divorce before you had any more context or did any plans with him.

 

But he did make it seem real didn't he?

 

Stay strong. The only thing that will make you a fool now is if you take him back before he has signed divorce papers.

 

Read around here. They like to go back and forth. Let this be your "lesson" and don't fall For any words unless there are actions behind them. Actually---actions AND signed divorce papers....because he seemed to have the actions the first time but you still got left.

 

You'll find strength! You deserve better!

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh my gosh, OP. I would be losing my mind if I were you right now. My MM didn't future fake like that, and I still feel at times like I'm losing my mind about 4 weeks after I decided to cut communications. All I can say is I'm so sorry and stay strong!!!! If he comes crawling back he better have divorce papers in his hand. You are doing the right thing. Be kind to yourself...these upcoming weeks may be tough on you but you will make it through if you stay the course! (((Hugs!)))

[Allycat1974]

I'm sorry this happened. Probably have the same destiny coming to me also... tons of hugs to you

[buglet78]

Don't feel like a fool.

 

Yes,you got caught up in something you shouldn't have. In retrospect you should have demanded he divorce before you had any more context or did any plans with him.

 

But he did make it seem real didn't he?

 

Stay strong. The only thing that will make you a fool now is if you take him back before he has signed divorce papers.

 

Read around here. They like to go back and forth. Let this be your "lesson" and don't fall For any words unless there are actions behind them. Actually---actions AND signed divorce papers....because he seemed to have the actions the first time but you still got left.

 

You'll find strength! You deserve better!

 

That is my biggest regret about the whole thing - once I found out he was "still" married, I should have cut things off. However, I think I was swept up in the whole "the forbidden fruit always tastes sweeter" thing.

 

Reading some of the posts here has definitely made me feel less alone, for sure.

[buglet78]

Oh my gosh, OP. I would be losing my mind if I were you right now. My MM didn't future fake like that, and I still feel at times like I'm losing my mind about 4 weeks after I decided to cut communications. All I can say is I'm so sorry and stay strong!!!! If he comes crawling back he better have divorce papers in his hand. You are doing the right thing. Be kind to yourself...these upcoming weeks may be tough on you but you will make it through if you stay the course! (((Hugs!)))

 

I think I am getting close to losing my mind - waiting for the locksmith to come and rekey the locks, putting things in the house back to how they were before he brought stuff in, those were great distractions, but now it is hitting me that it's all over.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I think I am getting close to losing my mind - waiting for the locksmith to come and rekey the locks, putting things in the house back to how they were before he brought stuff in, those were great distractions, but now it is hitting me that it's all over.

 

Don't forget to breathe, sister, don't forget to breathe. You can do this!

[ShatteredLady]

Please don't fall into the self deprecating trap. You're not a fool...or any of the other horrible words that you're thinking at the moment. You fell for (at best) a coward (at worst) a conman but it's all over now.

 

IT'S ALL OVER NOW!!

 

Don't let him back into your life. He has proven himself unworthy of you.

 

Try to stay busy. Visit with friends & family. Make a list of things you've been meaning or wanting to do. You're in shock at the moment. It's a good time to be proactive.

 

You will face anger, pain, depression BUT you will get over it. This is just a blip in your life. I know that any kind of heart break never feels like that at the time but the logical part of you knows that's you've got to feel the feelings & move on. It will take time.

 

Take care of yourself. There are lots of great members here who can help you get through all of this. Stay strong! Best wishes.

[buglet78]

Please don't fall into the self deprecating trap. You're not a fool...or any of the other horrible words that you're thinking at the moment. You fell for (at best) a coward (at worst) a conman but it's all over now.

 

IT'S ALL OVER NOW!!

 

Don't let him back into your life. He has proven himself unworthy of you.

 

Try to stay busy. Visit with friends & family. Make a list of things you've been meaning or wanting to do. You're in shock at the moment. It's a good time to be proactive.

 

You will face anger, pain, depression BUT you will get over it. This is just a blip in your life. I know that any kind of heart break never feels like that at the time but the logical part of you knows that's you've got to feel the feelings & move on. It will take time.

 

Take care of yourself. There are lots of great members here who can help you get through all of this. Stay strong! Best wishes.

 

Conman is the best description of him. His scam was so elaborate (even right down to moving things into the house). He not only lied to me (and during the A, to his wife too), but to all those people in that organization we were in. It sure takes a lot to involve all those people and do all that calculating.

 

I honestly hope though that he and his wife can work out their marriage (although I wonder just how much he exaggerated/falsified the problems). I don't need him crawling back, and I don't want another woman going through the same stuff at his hands.

[BuddyX]

Let's not forget, he's hiding behind religion. Talk about spineless.

[aileD]

Conman is the best description of him. His scam was so elaborate (even right down to moving things into the house). He not only lied to me (and during the A, to his wife too), but to all those people in that organization we were in. It sure takes a lot to involve all those people and do all that calculating.

 

I honestly hope though that he and his wife can work out their marriage (although I wonder just how much he exaggerated/falsified the problems). I don't need him crawling back, and I don't want another woman going through the same stuff at his hands.

 

My H led his AP to believe he would be getting an apartment with her. She didn't renew her lease, they shopped around for apartments, picked one and then reconciled with me a week before lease signing time.

 

He left her living in her car.

 

They're incredulous sometimes ...

[anika99]

A man who is serious about ending leaving his wife and ending his marriage does not move straight from his marital home and right in with the mistress. Whatever made you think that would be a good idea? A man who can't leave his wife, find his own place and stand on his own is a man who is weak, needy and probably doesn't know his own mind. No matter how bad a marriage is, when it ends the participants need time to heal and grieve before they can be a good partner to somebody else. I don't even want to date guys who are recently separated or divorced because I know they will not be good for me until they have had a couple of years on their own.

 

Why did you allow him to out you as his mistress to the organization you both belong to? That would have made me furious as well. Wishing you well on recovery journey. Just take it as a lesson learned.

[Jemima1234]

Oh how painful for you. I can't imagine. My advice to you is to simply be kind to yourself, feel the emotions, surround yourself with those who love you and take one minute at a time

[LaurAnn378]

buglet, you responded on my thread about my breakup and now I'm reading this. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. Weird how he "moved in" and then right back out just like mine did. I'm having trouble looking at the empty spaces where his and the kids' things "lived" for a week. I rearranged everything to make room for them; now I don't know how to fill those spaces again.

 

Obviously we're both feeling the crushing sadness that comes with losing the routines and patterns and the way we THOUGHT it would be. I am here for you anytime you want to talk. Hugs to you.

[jenkins95]

(((buglet78)))

 

You are amongst friends here and you are not alone - we have an idea of the measure of your disappointment and pain.

 

He is a weak man. I personally don't go for the con man thing, because I was an MM in an affair too and I also was weak and I relate to what may have been going through his mind before, during and after the A.

 

When it all came down to it and it was really going to happen, his W and his pastor and goodness knows how many other people from his church were probably all over him telling him what an awful mistake he was making and how it was against 'God'. He's a weak man, and his will to be with you was broken by this. As a weak former xMM myself, I relate somewhat to this and to his bowing to pressure.

 

This doesn't mean that he was a con man or that he didn't love you - it just shows that he is weak, easily influenced and has been persuaded to do what he "should" do against what he actually wants in this moment.

 

Believe me, his head will be all over the place and he will never forget you. Prepare for the very real possibility that he may be back - this kind of MM has the potential for back and forth behaviour, which is very destructive. Decide if, under any circumstances, you would want him again and prepare a strategy for dealing with any attempt to reconnect with you.

 

Stay with us. We are here for you.

[Cyra]

I was in more or less the same situation so I know how awful you feel. My xMM also left his wife, only to tell me 2 days later by text that he had to go back and try and fix his marriage. He gave kids as the main reason, he said he didn't love his wife but... whatever.

Sorry you are going through this. This guy sounds much like my xMM, a weak coward who when it came to action chickened out. He was also from religious family and I know he crumbled under the pressure from his parents and family, and also did not like the financial inconvenience his new situation would put him in. So basically he chose comfort and money over me, which in the end is fine because it showed me what kind of man he really was and I am glad now it never happened because life with such a coward would be unbearable.

You did the right thing to block him everywhere. Honestly someone who led you on like that, you can never trust again even if he came back you would always wonder and feel anxious in case he was going to do it again, bail and run to his wife when things got hard.

[jenkins95]

Honestly someone who led you on like that, you can never trust again even if he came back you would always wonder and feel anxious in case he was going to do it again, bail and run to his wife when things got hard.

 

I'm not defending him at all, just as I don't defend what I did. But I don't feel that he was leading the OP on intentionally.

 

I think he really wanted at some level to be with her and intended to, but when it came to it, the enormity of his responsibility to his wife, his kids, even his church (and in his case - God) got to him and he simply couldn't go through with it. Especially as it was being rammed down his throat by his pastor, etc.

 

A coward? Absolutely? A con man and a manipulator who led her on? I personally doubt it. He now has the rest of his life to wonder about what might have been and try to make his home life satisfactory. Despite the pain, the OP at least does not have that to deal with - she did her bit. His actions are out of her hands.

 

Good luck

[buglet78]

A man who is serious about ending leaving his wife and ending his marriage does not move straight from his marital home and right in with the mistress. Whatever made you think that would be a good idea? A man who can't leave his wife, find his own place and stand on his own is a man who is weak, needy and probably doesn't know his own mind. No matter how bad a marriage is, when it ends the participants need time to heal and grieve before they can be a good partner to somebody else. I don't even want to date guys who are recently separated or divorced because I know they will not be good for me until they have had a couple of years on their own.

 

Why did you allow him to out you as his mistress to the organization you both belong to? That would have made me furious as well. Wishing you well on recovery journey. Just take it as a lesson learned.

 

I can only sum the whole thing up in one word: STUPIDITY. I should have cut the whole thing off once I found out he was "still" married. It would have saved so much over the long run. Instead, I got caught up in "the forbidden fruit always tastes sweeter" and the fear of losing him.

 

Regarding your first question, financial considerations also played into that decision (at that time, I heavily bought into the "I'm only in it for financial reasons" line). He claimed that he was looking at apartments, but did not want to sign a long lease/did not want to have to buy furniture etc (I am a recent homebuyer - I could relate to the expense of having to buy furniture and start a household from scratch). Add in the fact that rents here are ridiculously expensive, and also adding in the heavy legal fees that he would be facing, we had thought that him moving in with me where I had everything and his monthly expenses would be less would be the best idea. Of course now, I realize that this was all massive stupidity.

[Cyra]

I think he really wanted at some level to be with her and intended to, but when it came to it, the enormity of his responsibility to his wife, his kids, even his church (and in his case - God) got to him and he simply couldn't go through with it. Especially as it was being rammed down his throat by his pastor, etc.

 

I agree that he didnt sit there intentionally scheming and planning to lead her on. But as a result its what he did, intentionally or not. The OP was in the persuasion that she was going to have a future with him, making arrangements, altering her life, keeping on seeing him. If she knew he wasnt going to follow through i bet she would have gotten out sooner and not invested 7 months of her life and her emotions in him. So whether he meant it or not doesnt change the end result she has been led on, IMO.

 

OP at least it happened now before you wasted more months, even years as many do, on this weak man.

[buglet78]

(((buglet78)))

 

You are amongst friends here and you are not alone - we have an idea of the measure of your disappointment and pain.

 

He is a weak man. I personally don't go for the con man thing, because I was an MM in an affair too and I also was weak and I relate to what may have been going through his mind before, during and after the A.

 

When it all came down to it and it was really going to happen, his W and his pastor and goodness knows how many other people from his church were probably all over him telling him what an awful mistake he was making and how it was against 'God'. He's a weak man, and his will to be with you was broken by this. As a weak former xMM myself, I relate somewhat to this and to his bowing to pressure.

 

This doesn't mean that he was a con man or that he didn't love you - it just shows that he is weak, easily influenced and has been persuaded to do what he "should" do against what he actually wants in this moment.

 

Believe me, his head will be all over the place and he will never forget you. Prepare for the very real possibility that he may be back - this kind of MM has the potential for back and forth behaviour, which is very destructive. Decide if, under any circumstances, you would want him again and prepare a strategy for dealing with any attempt to reconnect with you.

 

Stay with us. We are here for you.

 

I definitely think that the perceptions of his W and pastor played into things. One of the things he told me once he had had The Talk was that she wanted him to stay (and it wouldn't surprise me if the reasons were wallet and appearances-related), and it sounds like she did whatever it took to get him to stay. As well, one of the reasons why the move-in date was moved back was church-related. I probably should have realized at that point that a relationship where third parties have a greater say in things than someone in the "actual relationship" would not work, and I should have ended things then (of course, I should have cut things off once I found out that he was "still" married).

 

I did block him from every communication channel there is (and I told him too that if he ever showed up on my doorstep again/contacted me again, I would contact the authorities - that way, I would be covered in case he creates a bogus Facebook/email account/gets third parties to contact me on his behalf/decides to fly a drone around my property/whatever other nonsense he can think of). He did tell me that he "still loved me" and "still cared about me", and that is causing me to get a little suspicious that he is not through contacting me.

 

I don't need the drama, and I don't need the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Cyra]

I probably should have realized at that point that a relationship where third parties have a greater say in things than someone in the "actual relationship" would not work, and I should have ended things then

 

This is so true. Mine was the same. Anyone who makes decisions based on what others say and not on what they want will never be happy or true to themselves.

[buglet78]

I was in more or less the same situation so I know how awful you feel. My xMM also left his wife, only to tell me 2 days later by text that he had to go back and try and fix his marriage. He gave kids as the main reason, he said he didn't love his wife but... whatever.

Sorry you are going through this. This guy sounds much like my xMM, a weak coward who when it came to action chickened out. He was also from religious family and I know he crumbled under the pressure from his parents and family, and also did not like the financial inconvenience his new situation would put him in. So basically he chose comfort and money over me, which in the end is fine because it showed me what kind of man he really was and I am glad now it never happened because life with such a coward would be unbearable.

You did the right thing to block him everywhere. Honestly someone who led you on like that, you can never trust again even if he came back you would always wonder and feel anxious in case he was going to do it again, bail and run to his wife when things got hard.

 

It definitely sounds like our xMMs were two of a kind (the only difference is is that in my situation, there were no minor children involved).

 

I agree that he showed his true colors to me. I know that I would have constantly worried about him pulling the same stunt.

[Cyra]

It definitely sounds like our xMMs were two of a kind (the only difference is is that in my situation, there were no minor children involved).

 

I agree that he showed his true colors to me. I know that I would have constantly worried about him pulling the same stunt.

 

I admire your strength and resolve in handling the situation. I was much more undignified. Good on you, it was a lucky escape for you IMO. Nothing worse than living with a spineless man who can be so easily influenced by others.

[jenkins95]

I agree that he didnt sit there intentionally scheming and planning to lead her on. But as a result its what he did, intentionally or not. The OP was in the persuasion that she was going to have a future with him, making arrangements, altering her life, keeping on seeing him. If she knew he wasnt going to follow through i bet she would have gotten out sooner and not invested 7 months of her life and her emotions in him. So whether he meant it or not doesnt change the end result she has been led on, IMO.

 

OP at least it happened now before you wasted more months, even years as many do, on this weak man.

 

Ok then yes, but by that argument, you could say that the MM himself was led on...by his own intentions...that, in the end, he couldn't go through with. I just made the point of him not intentionally leading her on to try to help reduce her anger towards him. In my experience around here, recovery is quicker when anger can be got past.

 

Agree with you about the 7 months. Compared to some stories around here, this is a pretty early escape. I'm sure it still hurts though.

 

Good luck (buglet)

[buglet78]

The OP was in the persuasion that she was going to have a future with him, making arrangements, altering her life, keeping on seeing him. If she knew he wasnt going to follow through i bet she would have gotten out sooner and not invested 7 months of her life and her emotions in him. So whether he meant it or not doesnt change the end result she has been led on, IMO.

 

OP at least it happened now before you wasted more months, even years as many do, on this weak man.

 

Oh I definitely would have gotten out sooner. About a month into things, he was allegedly looking at apartments, but kept making all kinds of excuses as to why he would not sign a lease (he didn't want anything long-term, he didn't want to have to buy furniture, etc). I got angry with him one night and told him to stop stringing me along. I was chafing at that point. Of course, I got sucked back in and not long after that, we had made the plan that he was going to move in with me, and let the future-faking begin.

 

Reading more stories on here, I am so glad things happened now. There is no way I would have lasted much longer.