Was it cocaine which ultimately finished us or was it breaking my silence??

[Analeo711]

my name is Anna. I'm 23 and from London. I'm in such a dilemna at this time as I'm 7 months pregnant with my first child. I have been living with my partner who's 34yrs old for almost 2 years and just recently I've moved back to my mothers house due to a very complicated event. My partner and I are close and very loving towards each other. But there was a dark secret we shared. My partner has a habit of taking cocaine in as much as once or twice a month. It was usually more than that before I got pregnant but he has slowed downand promised to give up by the time our baby was born. My main concern was whether he could give up by then. It's not as bad as you'd think as it doesn't take over our lives. It's not about the amount of times he does it but about the quantity he takes when he does, it's out of his control. He takes it to such an extent that he couldn't get a sentence together without stuttering or gasping for breath. I'm afraid of him overdosing and my concerns have magnified even more because I'm now close to giving birth and it's harder to believe he will stop.

That is the first part of my problem. The second part is more dramatic. I literally couldn't cope anymore right until the other day when it happened again. I was pushed to my limit and then some more till I went over the edge. I did the ultimate thing and I finally told his mother out of anguish. I felt that by doing so, I could finally help him somehow. I didn't know what else to do. Every nerve in my body has had enough of what was going on and the burden of dealing with it on my own have become too much to bare.

He now resents me for it to an extent that he didn't want me in the house anymore. He was furious and told me off for breaking his mothers heart over it. Me and his mother are very close and I felt that maybe she could be the one to break the spell. The thing is, he found out I told her from my MSN messenger when I left my conversation with my friend open on the computer. His mother hadn't even had a chance to talk to him. He is so mad at me that he seems like another person. Have I gone too far? should I have waited to see if he would have given up like he said he would by the time our baby was born? Should I have been more tactful and not acted on anger? I somewhat regret telling his mother coz now I've given him a reason to resent me more than making him realise his wrong-doing.

He told me it was the ultimate betrayal and disloyalty to him. He's making every point he could to make me guilty for what I did. The whole process of him being sorry about it has been lost in his anger towards me. I feel like the cause has been lost. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. He told me soon after finding out I told his mother that he doesn't want anything to do with me and the baby, that I'm out of his life for good and that he doesn't want to set eyes on me again. It's so hard to believe that could happen because as much as for that one problem he had, he was such a loving and caring partner. He has got the potential to be a good father. do you think he means it or is he just talking out of anger? I'm not surprised he's reacted this way as he is a very private person and he does value loyalty.

Do you think now it's out in the open, he'll eventually accept responsibility and help himself? I'm so concerned for him more than for myself. I'm now feeling as though I may have broken us up for good and he'll never trust me again. I feel so guilty that I may have caused my unborn child to not have a father around. I feel that if I could turn back time I would have just walked away and maybe he would have come to his own senses. Now he feels as though I've brought his whole family into it and it's too big of a burden for him to know that his deep dark secret is out all coz of me.

His mother adores him and I think he feels that I dented his relationship with her. they are very close. They haven't yet spoken about the problems fac to face yet. His mother sent him text messages expressing her disappointment but that's all so far. What should I do for now? I'm so devastated to know that he may not forgive me. I couldn't even fit in this letter all of my woes. I hope I can be consoled somehow but my future seems so bleak at this moment. I feel like I'm in total darkness. please give me an insight on how to deal with it. I don't even know if he was really that addicted now but how do you measure addiction??? I promise, that is the only problem in our relationship. We are very loving and caring towards each other and now I have put everything at stake and lost.

[9Lives]

This is heavy. He is hurt. I really dont know what you can do. I know you did it out of the kindness of your heart but he doesnt like it. I have been there before. Girl, I dont know how to fix this kind of damage. Only thing you can do is say sorry and it will not happen again and hope he forgives you one day.

[shygurl]

I totally understand why you did what you did - you didn't know where else to turn and yes, coke is a scary addiction...and here you are, close to bringing your child into the world and that child doesn't need an addict for a Dad...and it seemed he didn't even realize he had a problem. I think you were right to let his Mom know the problem......yes, it made it tough for him, he's angry at you...now the cat is out of the bag and he'll feel you betrayed him.......but maybe his family can try and get through to him?

 

I wonder why he's using.......must be to dull the pain or stress of something? When did his coke use start, do you think?

 

You might try to find a support group in your area for family/loved ones of those w/ addictions. In North America, we have Narcotics Anonymous for the user, plus support groups for the loved ones..not sure if you have those there in the U.K.? Check into it.

 

Maybe once your baby is born he'll have an epiphany and realize he needs to get his act straightened out, admit he has a problem and realize he needs to get some help to deal with it.

 

Is he even speaking to now?

[Neptune]

Definitely try to find support groups. If no group seems available then see if there is an alcoholics anonomous in your area and try to talk to someone there. Most of those people are knowlegeble about support groups since much addiction overlaps. It does seems as though he is in the first stages of cocaine addiction. The thing to remember is it changes a person. For the most part addictive personalities are experts at making others feel guilty and to blame. You did the right thing because the stress of it overwhelmed you.

[Analeo711]

The thing is I went through the same kind of addiction 5 years ago over a period of 9 months when I was 18. I blew most of my money I earned on coke and went downhill dramatically at a short period of time. I've only just started my independance from home with a new apartment, a nightjob waitressing and was a single and carefree spirited person.

 

One night I went to an after party where coke was in abundance and was offered a line. At first I refused but as the night progressed and had quite a few glasses of alcohol, I was offered again and this time I didn't refuse. That first line, as anybody who tried it would tell you, was the best feeling of all. The ones after that just never matches the first. That's the thing with addiction, it always isn't enough in the end. The quality of getting high decreases and the amount of coke you take increases. It's never the same again.

 

I took it to such an extent that my social life dwindled, along with my relationship with my family which was completely brought to a halt. My new friend was 'Cocaine'. I didn't need anyone else. In the end I stopped work and started digging out on my savings. I hardly ate and I was losing weight fast. I felt that I was in control and that I would stop eventually. Taking it in the mornings when I woke up gave me that boost to get on with what I had to during the day that I used to have naturally. at this point I always skipped breakfast and almost never ate dinner coz by dinner time it was always time for another line. It has completely taken over my life.

 

Eventually I ran out of cash and started selling off some of my belongings compiling of Cd's,clothes, designer bags etc. At this point I was starting to get fed up of my desperation. Cocaine is not physically addictive but it sure was mentally addictive. I wasn't happy inside and the high was an escape. Maybe some of you will ask why I wasn't happy? I started off well with my own place and a job. But my unhappiness didn't start until I took that first line of coke. I was unhappy because cocaine almost took everything away from me.

 

Anyway, fastforward 9 months and I've lost a considerable amount of weight, had no friends or family around anymore and no one knew of my secret. I was about to lose my tenancy on the appartment coz I could no longer keep up with the rent. I was broke and couldn't even afford to do my shopping anymore. I just woke up one morning, found that I've ran out of stuff so I lost it and broke down in tears. At first it was tears of anger and desperation that I couldn't reach my dealer on his phone and then it became tears of realisation. I told myself I didn't want to live like this anymore. I'm so glad I had a strand of hope left in me to want to carry on...and carry on without cocaine any longer I did. For 2 weeks I did nothing else but sleep and stay indoors. I wanted to break free and just recupperate. slowly but surely I started to regain some energy back and also started to get my appetite back. For the first time after 9 months I was actually sober for a whole 24 hours, then one day became a week and then another.

 

For a while I was sober and although I never got that bad ever again, I have on other occasions done it again but not to that same extent anymore. But I have to say that whenever I did take it on those other occasions, I felt absolutely aweful and paranoid. I take that as a blessing in disguise as I'm now more keen to refuse it more than anything. It has the opposite effect on me now and I'm so glad. Now it just brings all the bad feelings back like subconciously I'm re-living the nightmare I went through. I've certainly not been on it for over a year now. Especially now that I'm pregnant and will want to continue with my drug-free lifestyle. I hope my story will help someone out there in need of someone to relate to. Although I escaped the strong grip of addiction, I don't know if it's too early to say but it may have come back to haunt me again in my relationship. It may have ultimately destroyed my own relationship with the father of my baby because of his addiction.

 

Thanks for the replies I got. I'm just now hoping and waiting for a miracle to happen with the one that I love. So now you can understand my desperation to help my partner get through his problem. With a baby on it's way, it was the last thing I wanted.

[New_Wife]

Well, what is the opposite scenario?

 

Suppose you did nothing and he did OD and die. Could you live with yourself?

 

Now, I've stated this elsewhere, and I'll state it again here: You did not make him start using, and you cannot make him stop.

 

But if your disclosure to his mother prompts him to take a closer look at his own actions - great! Better to have a living ticked of BF than a dead one, right?

 

Addicts are not just the streetwalking junkies with needles hanging out of their arms. Addiction is a cunning/baffling entity. It comes in all forms, and the only common denominator is that it's out of control and makes your life unmanagable. Clearly that is the case here.

 

I know of what I speak, as I am a recovering addict of 8.5 years. I was a very "clean" addict, using Rx drugs & my denial was heavy! I thought addicts were only homeless crazy people using street drugs. No WAY was I an addict. Even after an OD and a trip to detox, nope - not me! That denial is a killer.

 

So I think you were true to yourself and your child. You are a VERY wise young woman to remove yourself from this scene right now. Let him hit his bottom. Someday, if he lives, he will thank you for it. Meanwhile, take care of you and that baby.

[scared shy]

Analeo711

 

I am currently in the same situation, well I am not pregnant. I did tell the man's mother who I am in love with, her son was abusing oxy...

he now hates my guts, I don't know that he will ever not hate me or speak to me again.

 

Just like New_Wife said...

 

 

Suppose you did nothing and he did OD and die. Could you live with yourself?

 

That's what I keep telling myself, so now if I read his obit I know I did everything I could. I am sure that he will forgive you in time once he figures out what is troubling him in the first place. You have a child to think about and sometimes it's that, that makes people turn around. If not then you are much better off w/o that in your and your new child's life. I think you did the right thing and you should never regret or apologize for it. Trying to save someone that you love should NEVER be frowned upon. If any of these addicts were clean long enough to really sit down and think about it, then I am sure they would agree. Well I hope they would agree. Best of luck!

[snootylj]

I had a similar situation happen between me and my husband. He was using and so was I but his problem went to extremes he was doing alot more than your boyfriend. Well anyways just like you i couldn't take it anymore and flipped out on his parents, they are the straight and narrow type, if you can imagine. he went out of control on me, trying to make me fill guilty and responsible for ruining his life but i thought alot about that a came to realize that was his way of replacing everything he had done wrong, if he could make me feel the way he did for what he has done to your life, his and your new baby. don't feel like you have done wrong, thats just his way of making you feel like ****. you did what was for the best before it maybe got way way out of control like my life.

[AliceAyers]

Your first priority right now is to your child. My husband told me when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child that he was tired of being a husband and father and that he wanted to live a normal life and be young and party with his friends. He told me to leave him.

I didn't but it upset me so badly that I started to bleed and I had a pre-term labor.

Don't put yourself or your child through that. Thank god that mine turned out ok, with no complications.

This is a good time for you to be selfish about this, because if he doesn't stop now, then he won't. And then you'll be hiding this from you children, and lying to yourself about the severity of the issue, in order to keep the family together.

Just make him understand that it's about the baby. It's not about hurting him, or betraying him.

The baby NEEDS to grow up in a stable and secure environment, and if he's not ready for that then you should do it yourself, otherwise you'll feel like your raising two kids...you're baby and your BF.