Looking for practical advice about divorce with kids

[lifeisntfair]

So my husband has asked for a divorce. We have been married 7 years (together 17) but both unhappy half of the marriage. My initial reaction was relief, but I'm very sad for and worried about the children. There is no third party involved (as far as I know).

 

We have a 1 yr old and a 5 year old, and a house. My 5 year old started kindergarten this year, and has a very tough time with transitions. School has been a struggle.

 

I guess I'm looking for any advice/recommendations on the following options

 

A: My husband & in laws (who have lived with us for the past 3 years) move out of the house. I stay in the house with the children until it sells, then likely move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in.

 

B: My husband & in laws stay in the house, and I move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in, with the children, my 5 year old starts a new school now.

 

C: My husband & in laws stay in the house, and I move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in, but my 5 year old stays with my husband and in laws during the week, the benefit to this is that the 5 year old stays in the same school/house.

 

Currently, my husband works full time out of the house, and I am home with the kids during the week but work part time nights/weekends. It seems like a good idea for the kids to stay with me during the week and with him on weekends, but I'm worried about my son changing schools. It seems inevitable though so I'm wondering if sooner is better (option B).

 

Neither one of us is greedy or cares much about money, but neither can afford to buy the other out of the house. I don't want to walk away from the house though since I put my own life savings into the down payment, but he has paid most of the mortgage for the last 3 years. Is it possible for him to stay in the house indefinitely but if/when he sells we divide it then? I think mediation might be a good option for us instead of getting lawyers.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

Edited October 17, 2016 by lifeisntfair

[PegNosePete]

Currently, my husband works full time out of the house, and I am home with the kids during the week

In those circumstances (assuming the parents have no stake in the house ownership), then usually you would get the house and the husband and his parents would be looking for elsewhere (your option A). If you wanted to sell up and move in 1.5 years then it would be up to you. Why do you think you would need to sell the house and move at all?

 

Neither one of us is greedy or cares much about money, but neither can afford to buy the other out of the house.

How do you know, until you know what shares each of you will get? It isn't always 50/50. In fact it is very rarely 50/50 especially when there are kids involved and incomes are not equal.

 

Is it possible for him to stay in the house indefinitely but if/when he sells we divide it then?

Anything is possible but I would say that is a very bad idea. It is much better to divide the finances of the marriage now, than put in any timed clauses, especially "indefinite" ones which may never be triggered.

 

I think mediation might be a good option for us instead of getting lawyers.

Possibly, but mediation only works if both partners want it to work.

 

I'd very much recommend you see a lawyer before mediation, anyway. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean you have to use one for the whole process, and it doesn't mean you're fighting or being acrimonious. It just means you're getting a professional opinion on what a likely "fair" outcome should be, or what you could expect if a court were to be asked what is fair. When you have that knowledge, you can talk and compromise and mediate all you like. But do not assume what is "fair" without getting proper advice!

 

Most lawyers do a free initial consultation so there's really no reason not to. You have nothing to lose.

[mikeylo]

Even the most amicable divorces can get very ugly , very quickly. Get a lawyer to advice you correctly, especially because you have 2 very small kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

A: My husband & in laws (who have lived with us for the past 3 years) move out of the house. I stay in the house with the children until it sells, then likely move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in.

 

B: My husband & in laws stay in the house, and I move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in, with the children, my 5 year old starts a new school now.

 

C: My husband & in laws stay in the house, and I move 1.5 hours away into a house my parents own but do not live in, but my 5 year old stays with my husband and in laws during the week, the benefit to this is that the 5 year old stays in the same school/house.

 

Very difficult to effectively co-parent when you live 1 /1/2 hours away from each other. I also wouldn't inflict a decade long series of 3-hour car trips on my children.

 

I vote for D: Something that more effectively serves your children's need to have both parents in their lives...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

Sorry to hear about your predicament. So much comes to mind, reading your post. One initial thought: you said "married 7 years, but both unhappy half of the marriage" and "In-laws (who have lived with us for the past 3 years)" - 3 years is about half the marriage. Is that purely coincidence?

 

I would never advocate that you stay together purely because it is financially or logistically easier, but have you considered MC? I mean, I can imagine that merely having in-laws around for 3 years could strain a relationship. Not that they are bad people, but a family and a marriage generally need their space.

 

Also, as others have noted here: don't assume you know what your situation will be. In my situation, I have to give my ex about $1,000 per month for child support. We were never married, but had we been, I might be on the hook for alimony as well. After the legal divorce, you *could* be receiving a substantial amount of support and alimony from your husband.

 

Finally, there is no really viable way to co-parent from 1.5 hours away. Are there no other scenario's?

[lifeisntfair]

I do think we should try marriage counseling, because of the children I want to be sure we can't work it out, but he is not interested. he doesn't think either one of us will change and that we are just not a good match. (I'm too negative and he is too sensitive to negativity)

 

I have been unhappy with my inlaws staying with us for at least 2 years. I've asked many times for him to get them out of the house. He really likes having them around but would sometimes agree that we needed our space. He never encouraged them to move out.

 

We live in the Boston area which is very expensive. I can't afford an apartment near our home, I don't think my husband could afford one in addition to the home. I might be able to find something 30-45 minutes away but it wouldn't be nearly as nice (schools).

Edited October 17, 2016 by lifeisntfair

[The_Onceler]

I do think we should try marriage counseling, because of the children I want to be sure we can't work it out, but he is not interested. he doesn't think either one of us will change and that we are just not a good match. (I'm too negative and he is too sensitive to negativity)

 

Not to be flippant, but... the irony is strong with this one.

 

 

 

 

I have been unhappy with my inlaws staying with us for at least 2 years. I've asked many times for him to get them out of the house. He really likes having them around but would sometimes agree that we needed our space. He never encouraged them to move out.

 

I guess you can't force MC on anyone, but it would seem that in deference to your children, he might agree to some timeframe (say 3 months? 6 months?) where you live without the inlaws, and with active MC. What's the worst that could happen?

 

 

 

 

We live in the Boston area which is very expensive. I can't afford an apartment near our home, I don't think my husband could afford one in addition to the home. I might be able to find something 30-45 minutes away but it wouldn't be nearly as nice (schools).

 

I commute into Boston every day. My ex and I had just bought a new house in the 'burbs a few months prior to when she decided she wanted us to split. I bought her out of the house as part of our separation agreement. So, the house is mine, but I may in fact need to sell, because it is hard to afford it now that I am paying her child support. I hadn't planned for that additional expense when she and I were deciding on our home-buying budget.

 

My point is that neither of you will likely be able to stay in your current home. Each of your financial situations is about to change drastically. The transfer of wealth from child support and alimony will be substantial, and based on my experience with MA law, it will flow to you.

 

<edit> No, I am not a lawyer - I meant my experience as a consumer of MA law </edit>

[piano1962]

So sorry to hear about your situation. My opinion will be to make the transition as smooth for the children as possible. Any change will have a profound effect on your them, especially your 5 year old. Try to work towards having custody of your son. He needs you, especially at this young age. Your husband will not be able to give him the attention that he needs because he's working full time. As far as the house, I think it's best to consult a professional. Hope things work out for you!