Estranged Brother

[MontanaGirl]

My older brother was cruel to me since I was about 12 years old - mostly verbal abuse, but some physical abuse as well - well beyond normal sibling spats. He taught me to hate every facet of myself. I engaged in some pretty self destructive behavior when I was a teen (eating disorder, abusive men, stopped socializing with friends, dropping from an A student to barely graduating high school - you get the picture). Being younger and smaller, I was powerless to stop him, and too young and insecure to realize I didn't deserve it. I learned to hide in my own house, avoiding eye contact with him, not saying anything or doing anything that would draw his attention, and moving to different rooms when I heard his footsteps. Eventually he moved halfway across the world, and I began to recover. In the past few years I reached out to him twice via letters, in an attempt to reconnect, but he never responded. We haven't talked in about 8 years now. I have no clue why he suddenly started hated me so much.

 

Earlier this year I confessed to my mom about why I'd acted out so much as a teenager. She expressed feelings of guilt for not knowing, and said she understood why I wouldn't want my brother in my life. Since then, nothing has changed. It's like the conversation never happened.

 

My brother and his wife just had our family's first grandchild, and I am overwhelmed with negative feelings I wish I didn't have. My mom is, of course, beyond excited. I want to be happy for my her becoming a grandmother. I want to be the bigger person here and just move on. But I hate thinking that the only way I could have a "normal" family is to pretend everything that happened to me didn't actually happen. Meanwhile my brother's wife is clueless about why we're estranged, and keeps trying to reach out to me with pictures of my nephew.

 

I don't know what to do, but I feel like I need to make up my mind on how to handle this. Advice? Do I talk to my mom again? Write to my brother again? His wife? Both of them together? Or just write them off & suck it up when my mom talks about how wonderful their family is?

[mikeylo]

I can answer to only a part of your post. The reason he hates you is that you stopped being receptive of his abuse. Yes, what he did to you is abusive. You stood up for yourself and it has hurt his ego. Again, by not responding to your reaching out, he is being abusive. Silent treatment, ignoring, turning deaf ear-- are all form of control and abuse.

 

You are better off without him, no matter how much it hurts.

[Nowty V]

If it is available to you, I would seek some Counselling/Therapy about this specific occurrence.

 

Until then all you can do is suck it up and remain low key.

 

You should talk this over with a professional.

 

I had my self esteem eroded by the immediately older brother, It is an ultimately destructive thing with far reaching consequences.

 

The coping mechanisms one forms to 'get by' need to be identified and controlled.

 

My offending sibling contracted a terminal disease and passed away at 42 [13 yr ago]. I felt and feel nothing for him [maybe contempt]. I know it would be healthy to arrive at forgiveness, I'm not there yet.

[Alamo657]

As an additional thought, it seems to me you were the victim of abuse from your parents who didn't protect you from your abusive brother.

 

From an outsider point of view, you are deseperately trying to make your family underestand that you crave for a connection you never had. But they absolutely do not care about you or your needs. Your family is toxic to you, and unless you can make them realize their responsability, you better stay away from them.

[MissCongeniality]

My older brother was cruel to me since I was about 12 years old - mostly verbal abuse, but some physical abuse as well - well beyond normal sibling spats. He taught me to hate every facet of myself. I engaged in some pretty self destructive behavior when I was a teen (eating disorder, abusive men, stopped socializing with friends, dropping from an A student to barely graduating high school - you get the picture). Being younger and smaller, I was powerless to stop him, and too young and insecure to realize I didn't deserve it. I learned to hide in my own house, avoiding eye contact with him, not saying anything or doing anything that would draw his attention, and moving to different rooms when I heard his footsteps. Eventually he moved halfway across the world, and I began to recover. In the past few years I reached out to him twice via letters, in an attempt to reconnect, but he never responded. We haven't talked in about 8 years now. I have no clue why he suddenly started hated me so much.

 

Earlier this year I confessed to my mom about why I'd acted out so much as a teenager. She expressed feelings of guilt for not knowing, and said she understood why I wouldn't want my brother in my life. Since then, nothing has changed. It's like the conversation never happened.

 

My brother and his wife just had our family's first grandchild, and I am overwhelmed with negative feelings I wish I didn't have. My mom is, of course, beyond excited. I want to be happy for my her becoming a grandmother. I want to be the bigger person here and just move on. But I hate thinking that the only way I could have a "normal" family is to pretend everything that happened to me didn't actually happen. Meanwhile my brother's wife is clueless about why we're estranged, and keeps trying to reach out to me with pictures of my nephew.

 

I don't know what to do, but I feel like I need to make up my mind on how to handle this. Advice? Do I talk to my mom again? Write to my brother again? His wife? Both of them together? Or just write them off & suck it up when my mom talks about how wonderful their family is?

 

I have an older sister who I blame for a lot of my problems I also have a little sister who I failed completely. I took a lot of my own pain out on my little sister and I haven't ever said I was sorry because I felt like saying it was a cop out so I act like I don't care. What I am saying is people may not act like they care but that doesn't mean they don't but you'll never know unless take that step.

[Miss Clavel]

i don't understand why you wonder why he hated you?

 

it's not about you. and i have the sneaking sinking feeling that he has not, fundamentally changed and he will show his true angry aggressive colors sooner rather then later.

 

i feel sorry for his wife and child, i suspect they're next in line for verbal and physical abuse.

 

until he addresses his behavior and apologizes i see no reason to be close to him.

 

he has to acknowledge that what he did to you was not normal sibling horse play, that he was bigger and stronger and he hurt you, on purpose.

 

he continues to try to hurt you by ignoring you, the victim of his abuse, when you reached out because you give him the power.

 

close the door.

Edited October 19, 2016 by Miss Clavel