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Am I holding on to something that isnt gonna happen?

mercedesgirl

By mercedesgirl,
in General Relationship Discussion

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mercedesgirl

mercedesgirl

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Havent been on here for a while. Things not good, My eldest son (29) was dignosed with a brain tumor in April and had emergency surgery to save his life. He is still having treatment and due to go back for his 6 months check next week. Anyways, this turned my life upside down.

 

My bf of nearly 6 years has not been there for me, he has found it hard to support me thro this and becuase of this I havent seen him for the last 2 months. I went down to see him last weekend (he lives 130 miles away) and we had a good time, until I started asking about why I hadnt seen him. He then went on to say that it was because we wernt actually together for those months! Anyways, it ended up in a row and I said, I couldnt take it anymore and drove home. The next day I messaged and he said he thought Id made it clear that I didnt want to be with him. I tried to explain about all the emotions I have been going thro over the last 6 months, and its been really hard for me to get any interest in anything. He has taken it as I have no interest in him!

 

He keeps saying now that there is nothing left for us now. I dont want to give up on trying to get him back, but am I being stupid and trying to hold on to something that isnt gonna happen. He ignores my messagea a lot and my calls, it really frustrates me.

 

I dont want to be without him, we have had good times, its only recently that things have got bad, but thats been down to things in my life. Ive never said I dont want to be with him.

 

Im so upset with it all, I dont know what to do, please help, thanks x

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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I have a 29 yo daughter and I cannot imagine what you've been going through! I hope his 6 month check up is a positive one, I wish you and your son a lot of courage.

 

You and I must be around the same age. Let me ask you: What is the purpose at our age to bother with a man if he cannot be a support and a source of comfort when we go through our most difficult times in life?

 

This man, that has been with you for 6 YEARS has abandoned you when you were at your lowest. And the most horrifying is that he abandoned you because he felt left out while your son, your flesh and blood was fighting a brain tumor! How selfish is that? Finally when you reach out to him he plays 'why do you text me we're broken up'. That man has 0 empathy. I must ask: Is he a parent?

 

Why do you want to be with him? He is selfish, unreliable, passive aggressive, UN-empathetic.

 

If you want to be with him because of the 'good times' then find yourself a toy-boy and have a good time. At least when the going gets though you won't expect a toy-boy to be there standing by you.

 

You were with him 6 years, I understand it's hard to let him go but you have no good reasons to be with him! NO good times would have me stay with a man that has abandoned me when my child was fighting a life or death illness.

 

Let him go. You will meet someone else. We fall in love at any age. I just turned 51 and met this amazing man last year! There is no age to be in love and no age to find the right man for us.

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mercedesgirl

mercedesgirl

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He isn't a parent and I agree totally, he has no empathy. I'm always looking for reassurance from him with so many things I have to deal with, but he never gives it. I know i shouldn't have to rely on this from someone else. I know its no excuse but his work many years ago caused him a lot of emotional upset and tbh I think he has coped with that by blocking out his emotions, so therefore he has no empathy for others. I think it's terrible that he hasn't been there for me.

 

The thing is, I think I'm in too much of an emotional state to be making drastic changes or decisions.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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. I know i shouldn't have to rely on this from someone else..

Of course you should be able to rely on your partner for emotional support! like I said than what's the used to having a partner at all? Pairing is not about having fun, pairing is about survival, it's about creating a strong clan to support us and help us through life hardships. Having a good time is part of bonding and celebrating this partnership. You can't have one without the other.

 

. I know its no excuse but his work many years ago caused him a lot of emotional upset and tbh I think he has coped with that by blocking out his emotions, so therefore he has no empathy for others.

 

What ever happened with him, whether it was caused by a traumatic event, by being kidnapped by aliens and whats not, whatever it is it made him unfit for relationships. Your role is to see he is unfit and to move on. He does not need your pity, and a romantic relationship should not be based on pity.

 

I think it's terrible that he hasn't been there for me.

It's tragic, why did you accept this for 6 years.

 

The thing is, I think I'm in too much of an emotional state to be making drastic changes or decisions.

 

There is no drastic change here. You don't live together, you have been dating for 6 years and still are living apart. This tells me this relationship has been stagnant for many years.

 

He has made the decision for you, he considers himself broken up, what choice do you have? The only choice you have is to change your perception of it. You think you are losing a wonderful man when in reality you are getting rid of an un-empathetic commitment phobe.

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preraph

preraph

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This guy has no empathy, and people with no empathy are CRAP people who will only hurt you. Please, please dump him and get a better boyfriend. He's terrible!

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spiderowl

spiderowl

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I am very sorry to hear what has happened and I hope your son recovers well. You have been through a lot together.

 

Your boyfriend is no use to you. He has not supported you. He does not understand you. He says there is nothing there any more and he is being rude and ignoring your calls and texts. It is very, very clear that it is over with him. He is no longer interested. You are wasting your time with him.

 

It is not your fault things have gone this way. It shows what kind of character he has. He is not the right man for you. You need better than him. I know you had invested a lot emotionally but you can change that and find someone better.

 

Please, never chase anyone who is not responding to you. The right man will want to be there for you and will be loving and caring. He will be very different from the guy you say you do not want to lose. You need to learn to recognise a good man. A good man will treat you well and be respectful.

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spiderowl

spiderowl

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He isn't a parent and I agree totally, he has no empathy. I'm always looking for reassurance from him with so many things I have to deal with, but he never gives it. I know i shouldn't have to rely on this from someone else. I know its no excuse but his work many years ago caused him a lot of emotional upset and tbh I think he has coped with that by blocking out his emotions, so therefore he has no empathy for others. I think it's terrible that he hasn't been there for me.

 

The thing is, I think I'm in too much of an emotional state to be making drastic changes or decisions.

 

People with no empathy just don't have it. There is often no reason whatsoever. You can say that the past has caused him to block things out but I very much doubt it. He just never had empathy. Please don't make excuses for him. Making excuses is dangerous. It allows you to put up with things you should not put up with, like now. Look for patterns in behaviour. Look at people's actions rather than pay attention to words. People can come up with all the excuses in the book for their awful behaviour, but really they are just awful people.

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aileD

aileD

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If your boyfriend of six years doesn't stand by you and understand your absence when your son is dealing with a medical issues then he doesn't deserve to be in your life.

 

Let him go...he's not worth it

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basil67

basil67

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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Sending you and your son strength to deal with his illness.

 

You were right to end it. His lack of support says much about him, and none of it good.

 

That said, when you tell someone that you can't take it anymore and storm out, it IS a breakup. One can't say this stuff and then keep working on a relationship. Mind you, the fact that he hasn't tried to talk you around probably means he checked out a long time ago.

 

Time to move on without him. At least you won't have the burden of not being supported by the one who should support you.

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sandylee1

sandylee1

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I see no benefit in a relationship where one can't support the other through tough times.

 

I hope all is well with your son at the check up.

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BluesPower

BluesPower

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If someone cannot be supportive of their partner, they should not have one.

 

A relationship is about being there for each other. A man that is not there for his woman to lean on when she needs him, well he is just not much of a man.

 

You really need to end this and find someone new. If I was with a woman that want not there for me from start to finish in this type of crisis, that would be the end of that relationship...

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mercedesgirl

mercedesgirl

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I got a text from my 'bf' yesterday after he had seen a post I put on another forum posting how low I was feeling because I found out eaelier i the week that my ill son was getting married but he wasnt inviting me!

 

On the post I said how upset I was, that it was all wrong that becuase his wife to be has never liked me, that I wasnt going to get invited to their wedding, so yesterday was a very difficult day for me.

 

Anyways, as I said, I got a text from his last nite saying 'hows you?' I text back saying I was totally lost, didnt care about anything and was so unhappy.

 

His response... sorry I asked!

 

I know what you will all say, but how can people be so insensitive? There ius so much hate, anger and upset in the world argh!

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elaine567

elaine567

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He then went on to say that it was because we wernt actually together for those months!

 

My guess is that he moved on, perhaps with another woman.

He used the excuse of your poor son's brain tumour to split up with you.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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feel like messaging him and saying... dont worry, i will find someone who does care

 

That is a passive aggressive reaction. Tell him you thought long and hard and you are over with him.

 

I assure you he won't put up any resistance.

 

As for your son, talk to him one on one. Wives, fiancées, GF come and goes, mothers are forever.

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