How has having children (or not having them) affected your relationship?

[olivetree]

I am not sure that I want kids or not. One of my worries about having children is that it will negatively effect my relationship with my partner. I know for some people that having children is the most important thing in life. However, I would be A-ok if I did not procreate. That is not to say that if I had a child, I wouldn't give it a lot of love and protect it, etc. - I would. It's just that I seem to have always prioritized romantic love and do not want that to be a cost of having a child.

 

So I'm wondering, how have children affected your relationship? Did it decline? Was it temporary? Did it bring you closer? What were the factors for your success or decline? For those that chose not to have children, did it decline anyway? Or are you relishing your freedom and focus on each other?

[BluesPower]

Having children is not a cost, they are a blessing. Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever love.

 

Children change a relationship, IMHO, in my case it has served to make our love deeper.

 

When you have children, your needs automatically come second, because your children should always come first.

 

It is the most responsibility that you can ever have, it is the most work you will ever do, and when you look back on it, you should love it.

 

It does take more care and planning for the romantic part of the marriage, you have to work hard within the relationship to keep the romantic part of the it going strong.

 

It is the most wonderful thing that has ever happed to me in my life, except for grand children, which are the most wonderful thing ever.

[RecentChange]

I have always known I did not want children, and it is something my husband has always been on board with.

 

For us – we relish in the freedom not having kids allows. “Us” quality time, date nights, last min travel, a very active sex life are all things I feel that we get to enjoy to a greater extent because we are not burdened with children.

 

I know our friends that have children, love their children and wouldn’t choose any other way – but they do openly express jealousy of the lifestyle my husband and I are able to live.

 

I don’t think it has affected us negatively in any way. I feel very close to my husband despite not bearing his children (he has none btw!) We have been together for 15 years now, and have seen some couples have kids and slip – so it certainly isn’t always a binding factor.

 

What is your partner’s stance on having children? Being on the same page regarding this issue is probably one of the most important factors when it comes to a couple’s longevity.

[olivetree]

Having children is not a cost, they are a blessing. Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever love.

 

Children change a relationship, IMHO, in my case it has served to make our love deeper.

 

When you have children, your needs automatically come second, because your children should always come first.

 

It is the most responsibility that you can ever have, it is the most work you will ever do, and when you look back on it, you should love it.

 

It does take more care and planning for the romantic part of the marriage, you have to work hard within the relationship to keep the romantic part of the it going strong.

 

It is the most wonderful thing that has ever happed to me in my life, except for grand children, which are the most wonderful thing ever.

 

I am glad that having children has been a great decision for you.

 

Is your wife not up among the best things that has ever happened to you?

[olivetree]

I have always known I did not want children, and it is something my husband has always been on board with.

 

For us – we relish in the freedom not having kids allows. “Us” quality time, date nights, last min travel, a very active sex life are all things I feel that we get to enjoy to a greater extent because we are not burdened with children.

 

I know our friends that have children, love their children and wouldn’t choose any other way – but they do openly express jealousy of the lifestyle my husband and I are able to live.

 

I don’t think it has affected us negatively in any way. I feel very close to my husband despite not bearing his children (he has none btw!) We have been together for 15 years now, and have seen some couples have kids and slip – so it certainly isn’t always a binding factor.

 

What is your partner’s stance on having children? Being on the same page regarding this issue is probably one of the most important factors when it comes to a couple’s longevity.

 

Your relationship sounds lovely. What were your reasons for not wanting kids?

 

My bf is 50/50 on the kids and says he will be happy either way. Our relationship is his priority. I think it's kind of scary that having kids might change that though.

[Gaeta]

I have learn that once you are a parent you can't debate the value of having children with a non-parent.

 

The day you have a child it changes something in you for life. This feeling or phenomenon can only be experienced by someone who's a parent.

 

It's a little bit like if you wanted to talk about orgasm when you never had one.

 

There is this very known actor, can't remember his name, that had been single and child-less all of his life. He was a known man of peace etc etc. He said the day his son was born he was overwhelmed with fear because he knew from that moment he was ready to kill to protect him.

[RecentChange]

Your relationship sounds lovely. What were your reasons for not wanting kids?

 

My bf is 50/50 on the kids and says he will be happy either way. Our relationship is his priority. I think it's kind of scary that having kids might change that though.

 

I just always knew. When I was a kid myself I expressed that I never wanted to be a "mom" that I never wanted children. I have tried to question this - as how can you just KNOW when you are 8 years old, but I always come back to the same place. Kids, raising a family does not interest me in the slightest. I want no part of it.

 

Everyone says you'll feel differently when you have them, but there are a small minority that dont, and the truth is not everyone is fit to be a parent. It's not something I ever want to explore.

 

That said, I think it's a mistake to put a relationship ahead of having children if that is something someone wants in their life. Passing on that opportunity, on that different path of life can result in some serious resentment.

 

To me this isn't something one should be 50/50 or indifferent about - it's one of life's biggest decisions.

[olivetree]

I just always knew. When I was a kid myself I expressed that I never wanted to be a "mom" that I never wanted children. I have tried to question this - as how can you just KNOW when you are 8 years old, but I always come back to the same place. Kids, raising a family does not interest me in the slightest. I want no part of it.

 

Everyone says you'll feel differently when you have them, but there are a small minority that dont, and the truth is not everyone is fit to be a parent. It's not something I ever want to explore.

 

That said, I think it's a mistake to put a relationship ahead of having children if that is something someone wants in their life. Passing on that opportunity, on that different path of life can result in some serious resentment.

 

To me this isn't something one should be 50/50 or indifferent about - it's one of life's biggest decisions.

 

 

I used to assume I would always have them. But then I started being very unsure. I had a lot of problems in the family growing up, so that's probably a huge factor. I don't have the comfort of always "knowing" as you did/do. We have both said that while we are 50/50 now, we will have to reach 100% sure that we want a family.

[Gaeta]

Everyone says you'll feel differently when you have them, but there are a small minority that dont, and the truth is not everyone is fit to be a parent. It's not something I ever want to explore.

 

That said, I think it's a mistake to put a relationship ahead of having children if that is something someone wants in their life.

 

Agree, a minority of people are not made to be parents and never bond with their child(ren). It's extremely sad for both.

 

In all other cases yes people change their mind once they have children because it's nature's way to ensure the off spring survival. We don't decide to bond with our child, we don't decide to make him/her a priority, it's simply maternal instinct kicking in and it's strong. It's chemical and you don't control it.

[jen1447]

I suppose the main effect of childlessness on relationships for me has been that I'm always free and available.

[olivetree]

I have learn that once you are a parent you can't debate the value of having children with a non-parent.

 

The day you have a child it changes something in you for life. This feeling or phenomenon can only be experienced by someone who's a parent.

 

It's a little bit like if you wanted to talk about orgasm when you never had one.

 

There is this very known actor, can't remember his name, that had been single and child-less all of his life. He was a known man of peace etc etc. He said the day his son was born he was overwhelmed with fear because he knew from that moment he was ready to kill to protect him.

 

I do imagine having a child will be a life changing experience. And you're right, I can't understand it because I don't have a child. I would also imagine that single parents have different attachments to their children. When you split with your partner, there is a period of time where your child is your focus and you get used to it just being you and your kid against the world.

 

What I don't understand is why people don't express that same passion to protect their spouse (re: the bolded). It is a special person that you chose to spend your life with, after all. You do not choose who your children will be. From an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense to protect your children (re: protect your offspring and thus your genes) but I still don't get why people don't place as much value on a life partner.

[central]

Not everyone is cut out to have/raise children (they certainly can be expensive and a burden, but we love them anyway, usually!). And once you have them, they make it much harder to leave a really bad relationship, because you lose precious time with them. I stayed in my first marriage far too long, partly for this reason.

 

 

Second relationship/marriage, we both had kids from prior, but they were older and due to be out of the house in a few years anyway. Not having kids around constantly is a huge freedom - we got our lives back, and that has been good. Honestly, we'd both have been fine if we hadn't had children, but were very committed to family and parenting when we did.

[Gaeta]

What I don't understand is why people don't express that same passion to protect their spouse (re: the bolded). It is a special person that you chose to spend your life with, after all. You do not choose who your children will be. From an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense to protect your children (re: protect your offspring and thus your genes) but I still don't get why people don't place as much value on a life partner.

 

People don't divorce for the heck of it. When couples decide to split it's because they have exhausted all other avenues before coming to this decision. No one wants to break a family. When I married I thought it was for life, I left after 15 years and many attempts to fix our marriage with counseling included. I would have died for him, he would have died for me, but we could not be married anymore, it was destructive for us and destructive to our child.

 

People can think nowadays couples split for nothing, it's not true. From outside it may appear as it's for nothing but from the inside it's been a long journey and a sad decision for everyone involved.

[xxoo]

Kids are a tremendous blessing, but don't have them if you don't want the lifestyle. Please.

 

 

What I don't understand is why people don't express that same passion to protect their spouse (re: the bolded). It is a special person that you chose to spend your life with, after all. You do not choose who your children will be. From an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense to protect your children (re: protect your offspring and thus your genes) but I still don't get why people don't place as much value on a life partner.

 

Of course I value my partner. It is he, after all, who I chose to be my partner in life, not them.

 

But my partner is a fully capable adult. I can let my husband leave my side and go to work and I don't feel worry or concern. Leaving a small child is very stressful for many parents. Now, my teenager goes off and we worry at home.

 

adding...that drive to protect is natural and has a purpose. It's a ton of work to raise a child, day in and day out, for 18 years. The reason people put in the work is because it is painful not to. The drive to protect is insistent.

Edited October 17, 2016 by xxoo

[BluesPower]

olivetree,

 

I was kind of thinking that one thing goes with the other.

 

She is very important to me, but we have had some hard times in our marriage. The fact is that the children are the only reason that we are still married, because when things were bad, they were one of the main reasons that I stayed. We have a really deep passionate love, but even that does not prevent problems.

 

We are in a great place now in about every way, and now the focus is on us and the grandchild.

[jen1447]

What I don't understand is why people don't express that same passion to protect their spouse (re: the bolded). It is a special person that you chose to spend your life with, after all. You do not choose who your children will be. From an evolutionary standpoint it makes sense to protect your children (re: protect your offspring and thus your genes) but I still don't get why people don't place as much value on a life partner.

 

I'd def kill for the ppl closest to me. Not murder, but whatever it takes to keep them from harm if it came to that.

[Madame_Noire]

So I'm wondering, how have children affected your relationship? Did it decline? Was it temporary? Did it bring you closer? What were the factors for your success or decline? For those that chose not to have children, did it decline anyway? Or are you relishing your freedom and focus on each other?

 

Interesting post...

 

I have been with my man for just over seven years. This is the best relationship I have ever been in. We thought we wanted children but we babysat a friends child and he just screamed non-stop.

 

My partner and I still enjoy a very, very active sex life, we can have lie-ins, lazy weekends and peace and quiet in the house.

 

There has been no decline per se in the relationship, just other people sticking their nose in telling us we would be great parents and the kids will be cute because I am black and my man is white (yes, people have said this too us!)

 

We focus on each other. There are so many reasons why we have chosen not to have children. I am with my partner because I want to be with him and vice versa. I am not with him because we have kids together and we do not want to be the cliche 'staying together for the sake of the kids/ until they are older'

 

My friend has kids, I have seen how miserable she is with them, regularly telling me that she regrets having them, wishes she had her life and freedom back. One thing I respect about her is that she has never once told me to have kids, if anything, she says she does not blame me. She loves her kids but hates being a mother because she has no freedom. She has fallen out of love with the father of the children, he does nothing around the house or to help raise the kids, he just sits around playing computer games all day but he wants more children to carry on his family name! How egotistical! And they say people who DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN are selfish... go figure!!

 

My friends mother in law and sister in law (who is also pregnant- unplanned and on and off with her alcoholic drug addicted boyfriend, but that is another story) asked my friend (when I was not around) who will look after me when I am old, won't I be lonely when I am older? My friend let slip and told me... So I waited for the MIL and sister in law to be in present in the room and I voiced my opinion. I did not do this directly to her, but I am sure I must have made her feel uncomfortable, but I am a very outspoken person. If she didn't like it, I do not care, it's my opinion, my choice, my vagina!

 

"I am sick of people who do not know me, think they have the right to dictate and tell me what to do with my life. There are people out there that have children that do not want them and should not have them. You cannot guarantee your children will even like you, outlive you or even be in the same country when you are in your twilight years! There must be people in retirement homes that have kids and the kids do not bother to go and see them, they are just waiting for their infirm parents to die so they can sell the house and get their inheritence. I am with my man because I want to be with him not because I am tied to him because of a kid. Besides, we do not want kids because we would have people and family coming around all the time, outstaying their welcome and telling us how to raise OUR children"

The numb-nut sister said 'are you sure your man does not want kids' Erm, in our relationship, we communicate, neither one is in charge of the other and calls the shots. We are both happy as we are. I told them, if we wanted children, we would have had them by now, we have been together for a third of our lives!

 

I mean, we would make the mistake, and follow the crowd and society and have kids and have the picket fence around the house and be like everyone else, but I do not want to be like everyone else and say "It's hard, but we would not have it any other way/change it for the world" To me, that sounds like an endurance, like you are trying to convince yourself that the martyrdom is worth it.

 

Here in the UK, SOME people just pop out kids because the state/government gives them various benefits and grants to get started, it is an annoyance of the British Taxpayer, who works all the hours possible, would love more or to even have one but cannot afford it because of the extortionate cost of living. Case in point, my friend's sister in law, still living with her mother, on and off with her partner who didn't want kids just yet because he is still renting. The sister in law is claiming unemployment benefits and on a list for a free house.

 

Another thing that grinds my gears is when parents call themselve childfree. Usually to enjoy a date night or free afternoon. A parent is not childfree, that is a contradiction in terms, mutually exclusive. Thate would be like calling yourself vegan but eating meat products on a Tuesday! That would probably be on par with a childfree person calling their pets their furbabies. Surely, that would be an insult and undermining parents of children would it not?

 

 

Thanks for reading!!!

Edited October 17, 2016 by Madame_Noire

[eightytwenty]

I never really wanted kids. I felt like my parents were crappy parents and I wouldn't know how to do it right.

 

 

Then I got pregnant. Had a great boyfriend. We had the "Do we want this child?" I finally said yes, there was some sort of attachment there for my child, I could tell the bf was scared. Told the boyfriend he can be the Dad or he didn't have to hear from me again. He said that's my child, and I love you.

 

 

 

 

I wanted my baby, yet the attachment wasn't strong, and the feeling didn't grow too much the whole pregnancy. I didn't do the pregnancy photo session, gender party, or baby shower. Just wasn't me. When I had my C-section I had a tear when I saw him. Wasn't fully aware, still how much was going to change. It changed when I held him, changed when I heard his cry, when I saw how much my bf loved him. He's 7 month now and I don't think I could love such a sweet little child anymore.

 

 

Our relationship went from wild, crazy, fun... To something different, but better, deeper.

[Gloria25]

You know what I would like?

 

If all people respect the differences in others. When I was 33 - 35, this idiot of a doctor refused to do a partial hysterectomy on me cuz she, believed that medical school somehow gave her the power to make reproductive choices for people...

 

Here I am, 40, and still no desire for kids. I heard Janet Jackson, at 50, is having a child and I'm so tired of this generation having kids for show/tell and acting as if they're part of some dignified and elevated clique - when they don't wven parent. They literally dump off the kid, (even barely a few months old) into daycare and/or a relative.

 

So pleeeze, spare me the lecture on what I'm missing out on when you can't even bother to spend more than a few hours with your kid.

 

Around the time I had to be there for my sis-in-law's birth to the baby, I had a moment where I was wondering what ifs, but nah, after that little thing crying a few nights in the hospital and the bills, the novelty wore off pretty quick. The other day she was talking how the baby doesn't let her sleep in and I in my head was like "who cares, that's what you wanted...another baby, so deal with it"

 

I was watching that 'When the Bough Breaks" movie Friday night and sorry, when I see people with kids, I feel nothing. No desire. I actually felt the whole sci-fi and morality questions with putting your IvF, surrogates, and desperation to have a kid even made any desire to have a kid a bitter pill to even imagine swallowing.

 

So, when people - especially now a days - blurt out, 'we're expecting/pregnant', I just roll my eyes. Cuz it's just show and tell and I feel sorry for the poor kid to be born to two selfish, self-centered jerks.

 

BTW, my childless life is just fabulous!!!

Edited October 17, 2016 by Gloria25

[BluesPower]

eightytwenty - That is exactly how it is...

 

When that child comes out, the love is instant, overwhelming and ever lasting. It never changes no matter what they do good or bad the child is. It is unconditional love for that child forever.

 

I know most of you guys are too young, but take that feeling and multiply it by about 10,000 and that is how you feel about grand children. It is astounding.

 

He is three, and every time he sees me (I am Papa to him) he runs to me and I pick him up. It is so cool. And as his "Papa" he basically gets whatever he wants from me.

[Madame_Noire]

You know what I would like?

 

If all people respect the differences in others. When I was 33 - 35, this idiot of a doctor refused to do a partial hysterectomy on me cuz she, believed that medical school somehow gave her the power to make reproductive choices for people...

 

Here I am, 40, and still no desire for kids. I heard Janet Jackson, at 50, is having a child and I'm so tired of this generation having kids for show/tell and acting as if they're part of some dignified and elevated clique - when they don't wven parent. They literally dump off the kid, (even barely a few months old) into daycare and/or a relative.

 

So pleeeze, spare me the lecture on what I'm missing out on when you can't even bother to spend more than a few hours with your kid.

 

Around the time I had to be there for my sis-in-law's birth to the baby, I had a moment where I was wondering what ifs, but nah, after that little thing crying a few nights in the hospital and the bills, the novelty wore off pretty quick. The other day she was talking how the baby doesn't let her sleep in and I in my head was like "who cares, that's what you wanted...another baby, so deal with it"

 

I was watching that 'When the Bough Breaks" movie Friday night and sorry, when I see people with kids, I feel nothing. No desire. I actually felt the whole sci-fi and morality questions with putting your IvF, surrogates, and desperation to have a kid even made any desire to have a kid a bitter pill to even imagine swallowing.

 

So, when people - especially now a days - blurt out, 'we're expecting/pregnant', I just roll my eyes. Cuz it's just show and tell and I feel sorry for the poor kid to be born to two selfish, self-centered jerks.

 

BTW, my childless life is just fabulous!!!

 

 

Yep, that reminds me, my friend's SIL stated that as soon as she has the baby, her mother can look after it while she goes back to college. The mother has a job already so I do not know how in the blue f*ck the grandmother is going to change her shift to babysit for her wayward, whimsical daughter. Again, selfish!

 

I have forewarned my friend that the SIL will dump the kid on her because the SIL and MIL come around the house alot uninvited and unnannounced and stay for days on end. The MIL has a toothbrush, clothes and various toiletries there. That family have no boundaries! That situation makes me thankful for the pill I tell you!

[xxoo]

 

 

Our relationship went from wild, crazy, fun... To something different, but better, deeper.

 

Yes, that's true for us as well.

 

My bond with my husband is stronger after the kids. He's a very protective, involved father, always putting our kids first, and that makes my heart explode with love for and attraction to him.

 

If we had a lot of conflict as parents, and I thought it was negatively affecting our kids, I could see that going really quickly in the other direction...

[Madame_Noire]

You know what I would like?

 

If all people respect the differences in others. When I was 33 - 35, this idiot of a doctor refused to do a partial hysterectomy on me cuz she, believed that medical school somehow gave her the power to make reproductive choices for people...

 

Here I am, 40, and still no desire for kids. I heard Janet Jackson, at 50, is having a child and I'm so tired of this generation having kids for show/tell and acting as if they're part of some dignified and elevated clique - when they don't wven parent. They literally dump off the kid, (even barely a few months old) into daycare and/or a relative.

 

So pleeeze, spare me the lecture on what I'm missing out on when you can't even bother to spend more than a few hours with your kid.

 

Around the time I had to be there for my sis-in-law's birth to the baby, I had a moment where I was wondering what ifs, but nah, after that little thing crying a few nights in the hospital and the bills, the novelty wore off pretty quick. The other day she was talking how the baby doesn't let her sleep in and I in my head was like "who cares, that's what you wanted...another baby, so deal with it"

 

I was watching that 'When the Bough Breaks" movie Friday night and sorry, when I see people with kids, I feel nothing. No desire. I actually felt the whole sci-fi and morality questions with putting your IvF, surrogates, and desperation to have a kid even made any desire to have a kid a bitter pill to even imagine swallowing.

 

So, when people - especially now a days - blurt out, 'we're expecting/pregnant', I just roll my eyes. Cuz it's just show and tell and I feel sorry for the poor kid to be born to two selfish, self-centered jerks.

 

BTW, my childless life is just fabulous!!!

 

 

Yep, that reminds me, my friend's SIL stated that as soon as she has the baby, her mother can look after it while she goes back to college. The mother has a job already so I do not know how in the blue f*ck the grandmother is going to change her shift to babysit for her wayward, whimsical daughter. Again, selfish!

 

I have forewarned my friend that the SIL will dump the kid on her because the SIL and MIL come around the house alot uninvited and unnannounced and stay for days on end. The MIL has a toothbrush, clothes and various toiletries there. That family have no boundaries! That situation makes me thankful for the pill I tell you!

 

I also agree with your last paragraph Gloria25. Facebook in particular is all about 'look at me, we're expecting' I saw one post saying "Well, I was wondering what was wrong with my GF for the past few months, with the sickness and mood changes.... We're pregnant! We are expecting our little girl [in whatever month]" And of course, there was a baby scan pic attached to the status.

[Gloria25]

Yep, that reminds me, my friend's SIL stated that as soon as she has the baby, her mother can look after it while she goes back to college. The mother has a job already so I do not know how in the blue f*ck the grandmother is going to change her shift to babysit for her wayward, whimsical daughter. Again, selfish!

 

I have forewarned my friend that the SIL will dump the kid on her because the SIL and MIL come around the house alot uninvited and unnannounced and stay for days on end. The MIL has a toothbrush, clothes and various toiletries there. That family have no boundaries! That situation makes me thankful for the pill I tell you!

 

Well it's sad that the MIL has no life and raising someone else's kid is what's still keeping her breathing...

 

Which is my other point about the "marriage/baby club"...they all wanna act like marriage and/or kids brought meaning into their life when fact is w/o a spouse and/or kid, they'd be sitting on their couch like a lump. In other words they had and will continue to have no life but lean on kids to keep their miserable marriages to people they can't even barely stand together for an 18 year sentence.

 

IMO, a real married couple, who have life and actually wanna be with each other, don't have kids as soon as they tie the knot...and, once those buggers are 18, up and gone, they're making time for each other, not a toothbrushe at their grandkid's house.

 

Geesh, the MIL probably realized how selfish and scatter brained your friend's SIL is, and felt she had to come in and rescue the poor kid. Same thing goes on in my home. My sis-in-law goofs off on the regular and thank God my Mum steps on at times...we were just talking last night how after my Mum told her what to do with nephew's homework, week's gone by and not done.

[RecentChange]

eightytwenty - That is exactly how it is...

 

When that child comes out, the love is instant, overwhelming and ever lasting. It never changes no matter what they do good or bad the child is. It is unconditional love for that child forever.

 

While this is true for many, it is simply not 100% universal.

 

I have heard my MIL say "I hate you" "I wish I never had you" "I should have had an abortion" "you ruined my life" "you're a loser"

 

And on and on to her three children. Some how, miraculously they managed to grow up to be successful, reasonably adjusted people despite their lovely "mother".

 

She has expressed that she had children because she was pressured to. Had children to prove she was not gay. Had children because her husband wanted them.

 

Now, obviously she is not the norm, but there are most certainly people out for which the "chemicals" did not create this unconditional love.

 

Look at how many children are abandoned and maltreated - again, obviously not the majority, but we can't pretend like it doesn't happen.

 

My sister has children. Loves them with all her heart, wouldn't have chosen anything else.

 

But get her drunk (truth serum) and she will cry and morn the life she left behind to become a mother. She misses many aspects of life she no longer gets to enjoy. The joy the kids bring trumps the sorrow, but it is there.

 

Most studies indicate that childless couples report higher on happiness scales - but again, if they wanted children and didn't have them, I am sure that they would not be so happy.