How has having children (or not having them) affected your relationship?

[cocorico]

Neither my H nor I wanted kids. We both landed up with kids in prior Rs, and we both love our kids (and each other's) even though we would have preferred not to have kids. Our kids are all grown and flown. We have no kids as a couple. It's bliss.

[seren]

Having children does affect a relationship in that it is impossible to be spontaneous, going anywhere involves the sort of planning reserved for military exercises, but, it is the most rewarding thing H and I have done as a couple and a family. We feel join pride when our son achieves success. It was hard during the teenage years, especially with boundaries, I am more laid back than H, but we worked it out. Seeing them both kick a ball around, fool about or get all dirty fixing the car, seeing a little boy copy his Dad by pretend shaving and nothing beats seeing a big, burly man cuddle up with a small child fast asleep on his chest. We still has us time, still had date night's and neither of us would change that for the world. We went through numerous IVF programmes to try for more children., but are blessed by just my son from a previous marriage and H's son, who we don't see that often.

 

They are both over 30 now, yet H still hugs and tells our son he loves him, my son has nothing to do with his biological father who stopped all contact when our boy was just 3. H is who he calls Dad and they have a super bond, they ruffle each other's hair and say ILY, it is a lovely thing. It has helped shape our relationship, we take pride in our parenting and in our children and it has been a gift and a joy. Despite H's affair, our son wants a marriage like ours, he sees that we love each other and it makes him smile. Aside from the practical stuff and the blips along the way that helping a small person grow to be an adult brings, we are better people for being parents, we would have loved our own biological child, but it wasn't meant to be, that caused some heartache.

 

We are now looking forward to being grandparents, although my son and his wife are putting it off for now, but already we anticipate this. It depends on the couple, some want and some don't, in my experience it has been the best of things to happen to me and to he and to us. Sure it has moments of worry, I never stop worrying about our boy, but it brings far more joy than not.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Can we please dispense with the idea that mothers who work are "neglecting" their children? That's just offensive and ignorant.

 

Men enjoy demanding careers and they don't get accused of neglect. Such a sexist double standard. A father can care for a child just as well as a mother. Get out of the 1950s already.

[beatcuff]

Being a parent is not the worst job in the world. It may be the hardest job that you will ever love.

 

I think that people that feel that way should maybe not have had children.

 

ok, then tell me a job that lasts a lifetime, with minimal breaks, that subjects you to ridicule (exhibit A: as you did in the bold above), those rewards can be fleeting, in which you question nearly every decision and then are open to same from your children, parents, and the rest of the world and which has no true benchmark. all the while dealing with conflicting and changing professional advice and with no established manual.

 

is it hard or worst? looks like i made a poor choice in words, great yet another mistake. i am/was far from perfect (not even sure what that is). but i am certain you will tell me.

[BluesPower]

I am not sure I understand where you are coming from, and I meant no criticism of you or anyone else.

 

Let me see if I can explain where I am coming from. I am 52, 3 kids, F26, M19 & 21.

 

My wife and I have always been deeply in love, but it has not been a great marriage. She was a "Hidden" drug addict for most of the marriage until recently, which is the only reason we are still together.

 

My 2 boys are still at home and besides working, and playing music all over the town/state, they are both still going to collage.

 

I basically had to raise my 3 kids alone and take care of their mother for at least 20 years of our marriage. It was rough to say the least. I have had to go years on 3 to 4 hours of sleep, deal with all the school, medical and other things alone for the most part. Coached all the teams and all of that.

 

I finally had a stroke a couple of years back because of all the stress.

 

However, I never have resented anything about being a parent through all of this. It is the greatest honor I have ever had, and the hard work paid off because I have some really wonderful children.

 

It has been the hardest job in the world and it has been worth every sleepless night, every shirt they have puked on or peed on or bled on.

 

And the payoff for all of this work is grandchildren. I thought I loved my kids more than anything, until I had my grandson.

 

That takes the love to another level that I never new existed.

 

Anyway, that is where I am coming from if that helps.

 

I am sorry that I offended you beatcuff...

[olivetree]

Neither my H nor I wanted kids. We both landed up with kids in prior Rs, and we both love our kids (and each other's) even though we would have preferred not to have kids. Our kids are all grown and flown. We have no kids as a couple. It's bliss.

 

So you and your husband didn't want kids but you both ended up having them with other people. How did that happen?

 

Have you and your present husband experienced raising your blended family together, or did you meet after they flew the coup?

 

I think it's interesting that people seem to have and raise children with one person and then end up happy with another. It makes me wonder if they would have stayed with the first person had the trials of child-rearing not split them apart.

[olivetree]

I thought I loved my kids more than anything, until I had my grandson.

 

That takes the love to another level that I never new existed.

 

 

I find this phenomenon so interesting. It seems to happen often that grandparents love their grandchildren more than their own children.

[BluesPower]

I don't really think that children split people...

 

I think that there are always other factors, some that may or may not be there with kids.

 

Overall for me, children make the marriage stronger. But that is just me...

[GunslingerRoland]

I think a lot of people somehow think that having children will fix the problems in their relationships or bring fulfillment into their lives. Those are the people that children tend to tear apart, because really how is bringing someone into your life that requires that much of your time and energy going to fix your issues. It'll usually just bring them more to the forefront.

 

Meanwhile if you have a solid relationship in place, children can often help build on that, because the amount of teamwork that is required increases immensely, and if you are well positioned in the relationship to work together, it will strengthen things.

 

That is what's happened in my marriage, throughout the many challenges of children, it's brought us together because we work through problems as a team, and have a mutual respect and trust for one another.

 

But if we were doing this without those things in place, I can easily see where it would have killed our marriage.

[dichotomy]

I think a lot of people somehow think that having children will fix the problems in their relationships or bring fulfillment into their lives. Those are the people that children tend to tear apart, because really how is bringing someone into your life that requires that much of your time and energy going to fix your issues. It'll usually just bring them more to the forefront.

 

Meanwhile if you have a solid relationship in place, children can often help build on that, because the amount of teamwork that is required increases immensely, and if you are well positioned in the relationship to work together, it will strengthen things.

 

That is what's happened in my marriage, throughout the many challenges of children, it's brought us together because we work through problems as a team, and have a mutual respect and trust for one another.

 

But if we were doing this without those things in place, I can easily see where it would have killed our marriage.

 

 

Maybe I am the exception - but it did for me. My marriage had a crap load of problems and unhappiness in the beginning, but I wanted children (wait a man said that?). The children has kept me working on my wife and the marriage, which has worked in some areas (but not all - we still have a big one left). So yes it did kind of sorta fixed "somethings" - or rather gave me the incentive to stay and work really really really hard to fix them. One child (step) is grown now - and by remaining married I saved that child and lift her up into a place of stability and happiness. How much more full filling can one be to have accomplished that in a child ? To be that dad in a child's heart ? I have younger ones that I will also lift up as best I can to a wonderful life. I am hoping someday when I might face my own end - I will focus on my children and their children's future and life of happiness... as my own dad did.

Edited October 22, 2016 by dichotomy