Online date...he didn't text :(

[Cookiesandough]

If there's is a consolidated discussion for this please move it there, sorry

 

I'm panicking. I went onto 2nd online date last night to try to get over a 1st online dating that went horribly. This one went worse. I didn't feel that much chemistry with him..but I thought maybe it's cuz I'm still heartbroken. Seems like he doesn't want to even see me again, so I won't have a chance to see if anything blossoms. It seemed like conversation was flowing well and for a very long time. Asked me about past relationships etc. but As we were leaving, he never said anything about a 2nd date or that he wants to see me again . No follow up text. He just gave me a hug and said "talk soon?" And "get home safe" Is that the "kiss of death"?

 

Some Mistakes I made..

 

1. I was late and nervous wreck

2. I unconsciously kept talking about the last failed long distance O.L.D. I said I felt bad about him still and still wish I could be dating him. I only realized in hindsight that I harped on this too much and he kind of zoned out in boredom when I did

3. I said I like being single

4. I didn't order any food and drank water. I excused this by saying I already ate and have to work tomorrow (true)' I watched him eat and he gave me a sip of his drink. Later when we were talking I confessed my hangup with men paying for my stuff in dates especially on first dates and how I go places early and order to avoid it. He may have put 2 and 2 together.

5.I checked my phone to see the time and realized it had only been a little over an hour(It felt so much longer) I said something like "well.. I had a lot of fun are ready to..? And started to get up and he motioned to his half full beer. I said "oh sorry that's so rude of me, please take your time. I just figured you have to be up early for work" he said no it's fine and he's sorry he's a slow drinker

 

Did I mess up too bad to fix

Edited October 18, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

*head desk* Why do you keep asking our advice when you ignore our suggestions?

 

As for this date, I don't think you could have done worse if you tried. Chances this will become a story for his mates of "that terrible date I had". Not to mention that you are out using this guy for the sole purpose of getting over another man. And yes, I use the term "using" deliberately. Very selfish on your part to use another person like this.

 

You've messed this up. But it was never going to work because you aren't ready to date anyway.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM TO APOLOGISE. It will just make things worse.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

There's four big things I notice here.

 

1. You take dating way too seriously.

2. You seem too outcome dependent.

3. You aren't emotionally ready to be dating.

4. You only seem to think about you.

 

Dating should be fun, you don't have to be perfect, the date doesn't have to be perfect, there are no set rules of what should and should not happen on dates.

 

When you go on a date with a man you shouldn't be so outcome dependent, if it doesn't work out who cares? Look at it as an enjoyable date or a learning experience and move on. You'll meet other men.

 

You are not ready to be dating, you're harping on about your ex when you're on a date with someone new and you're sat there wondering why there's no second date. Come on, be serious for here for a minute. How would you feel in his shoes? You go out with a man and all he does is harp on about his ex-girlfriend.

 

Lastly you only seem to think about yourself and your needs. Not once in this topic have you shown any consideration to this man who wasted his time on this date.

 

You need to take a break from the dating game. Get over your ex, become a bit more considerate of the men you are going on dates with and stop being so outcome dependent. You do not need a man.

[joseb]

"maybe its because I am still heartbroken"

 

Why would you even consider dating then?

 

I'm genuinely intrigued by your thought process.

[Erik30]

Of course he didn't text you, that was probably one of the worst dates he ever had. Almost everything you've said to him and done during the date makes it seem like you're not into him at all.

 

If I was on a date with a girl who acted the way you did, I would just delete her number. But you obviously don't like him anyway.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Erik30

[Cookiesandough]

Basil I know I didn't listen but I really don't see how staying alone is going to help my loneliness. I am lacking confidence and security, so shouldn't I be practicing and learning from my mistakes in order to build that ? I wasn't using I was trying to find potential new partner or at least person to date and have fun with

 

If we had a great date otherwise might it be too soon to tell if he's over it or is"talk again soon?" almost guaranteed rejection. I don't know.

 

Joseb I feel like the reason I feel this heartbreak is scarcity mentality. I had such a connection with the guy I was i first dated online since a bad relationship- then I lost him. I think unless I put myself out and meet new people I connect with, I'll always think this way

 

Fish, I see your point. But I did think about his time wasted. I'm embarrassed by my mistakes and Felt disappointed I couldn't feel sparks right away. I could barely sleep so upset over it

Edited October 18, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

I only highlighted the possible deal breakers for him.. we did have a lot of laughs and good conversation/connection

[Formerfiveo]

I know I didn't listen but I really don't see how staying alone is going to help my loneliness.

 

So you can learn how to be alone and without being lonely. There's a big difference. You seriously need to work on your self esteem and insecurity issues. The loneliness you feel is a result of being empty inside. YOU have to fill that emptiness yourself!

 

I am lacking confidence and security, so shouldn't I be practicing and learning from my mistakes in order to build that ?

 

Are you serious?? What exactly have you learned????

 

 

I wasn't using I was trying to find potential new partner or at least person to date and have fun with.

 

BS. You said yourself, "I went onto 2nd online date last night to try to get over a 1st online dating that went horribly.

 

 

I had such a connection with the guy I was i first dated online since a bad relationship- then I lost him.

 

You didn't lose him. YOU scared him away!

 

But I did think about his time wasted. I'm embarrassed by my mistakes and Felt disappointed I couldn't feel sparks right away. I could barely sleep so upset over it

 

Then STOP DATING and get your sh*t together!

[Formerfiveo]

I only highlighted the possible deal breakers for him.. we did have a lot of laughs and good conversation/connection

 

 

Possible?? One of them by itself is a dealbreaker, especially for a first date.

 

Please. For the love of all things holy, do not try and contact this guy EVER! You will only embarrass yourself further, if that's even possible.

 

Have you thought about counseling?

[basil67]

I only highlighted the possible deal breakers for him.. we did have a lot of laughs and good conversation/connection

 

Stop stressing about him calling - if he was so great, you would not dashed away while he was still drinking his beer. I mean, that's the kind of thing people do when they find themselves in appalling company - not in the company of someone enjoyable. Not to mention that you found the time dragged. That in itself is sign of a not enjoying yourself.

 

And I agree that each of those things alone would have been a dealbreaker. Combined, they would have scared away any guy no matter how good the conversation.

 

And yes, you were using him to fill a hole in your life and psyche. Get yourself whole then add a partner.

Edited October 18, 2016 by basil67

[Toodaloo]

Cookies.

 

Please do not tell me this is a new thread...

 

You have not even had time to order those books from Amazon or the local book shop let alone read them and you are out dating again?

 

It is really simple.

 

You go out. You date. You meet a guy. You panic. The gremlins in your head take over. He gets (rightly) freaked out. You get rejected. You become crazy lady. He runs away. You feel more rejected. You feel lonely. You go out. You date. You meet a guy. You panic. The gremlins in your head....

 

Please tell me you see the circle here...

 

By all means stay on the merry go round and get a name for yourself as the crazy stalker lady. By all means carry on and continue getting rejected and making your issues worse.

 

What would actually be easier is for you to step away from OLD and dating. Get some therapy, read some self help books and give yourself a few months, preferably at least a year to get a hobby that is something more healthy. Tennis perhaps. Yoga perhaps. Stamp collecting. Scuba diving... Anything that is not stalking...

 

I don't know why I am bothering at this point. I really don't... All that typing and for no one to have gained anything... Even those poor random men will have to continue living in fear and worry of who will be next on the list... Its like something from a horror movie...

[Zahara]

It's like talking to a wall. You took nothing from the advice given. There's no reflection or any attempt to seek awareness and dig deep into why you behave the way you do. Your flakey response is that you need practice to get over the first date?

 

You're just out there trying to replace one guy for another because you're looking for someone to fill a VOID in your soul. The only person that can fill that VOID is YOU. Your self-esteem doesn't get better through online dating. It gets better by learning how to find joy in your aloneness, being comfortable in your own skin, finding confidence in doing your own thing -- you find empowerment by having a relationship with yourself.

 

You do that by INVESTING in you, not in men. Freaking open your mind and listen.

 

Start therapy. Stay single. Start journaling. Write a list of goals and start to try to accomplish them. Get to the library and pick up a few self-help books. Get online and start researching questions on self-improvement. Take a vacation on your own. Start some hobbies. Go to meetups and be around people of like mindedness. Find a cause you're passionate about and volunteer.

 

You build a relationship with yourself FIRST. You fill that void on your own. There will come a day when a mate becomes a bonus in your already contented and fulfilled life. The only thing you're doing right now is trying to fill an empty hole.

 

Wake up.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you indeed did mess this up too much to fix.

 

I feel bad for the guy. You couldn't have showed less interest in him if you had actually tried.

 

Forget dating and work on yourself. You are using men as tools to heal your emotional problems and it's not okay.

[Toodaloo]

Some Mistakes I made..

 

I really wish you had started this with "1. starting to date too soon and trying to get another person to fill the void within me"...

 

but thats not going to happen... I am learning this.

 

1. I was late and nervous wreck

 

Deal breaker

 

2. I unconsciously kept talking about the last failed long distance O.L.D. I said I felt bad about him still and still wish I could be dating him. I only realized in hindsight that I harped on this too much and he kind of zoned out in boredom when I did

 

Deal breaker

 

3. I said I like being single

 

A lie which will have been obvious... Another deal breaker

 

4. I didn't order any food and drank water. I excused this by saying I already ate and have to work tomorrow (true)' I watched him eat and he gave me a sip of his drink. Later when we were talking I confessed my hangup with men paying for my stuff in dates especially on first dates and how I go places early and order to avoid it. He may have put 2 and 2 together.

 

Total over share and deal breaker

 

5.I checked my phone to see the time and realized it had only been a little over an hour(It felt so much longer) I said something like "well.. I had a lot of fun are ready to..? And started to get up and he motioned to his half full beer. I said "oh sorry that's so rude of me, please take your time. I just figured you have to be up early for work" he said no it's fine and he's sorry he's a slow drinker

 

Very rude and another deal breaker...

 

Did I mess up too bad to fix

 

Yes.

 

I really wish you would just take our advice and stop doing this to yourself and other people...

 

Just for the love of small (and large) farm yard animals, grannies and small children world wide... Just STOP doing this. Just start to follow the advice you have been given over and over and over and over and over...

 

Oh wait... Merry go round again...

[smackie9]

OP finding a man isn't going to help with your loneliness....all it does is make you look desperate.

 

You need to spend your time being productive, like doing volunteer work, or finding a hobby that encourages you to get you out of the house to socialize with others. In other words get a life..........

[gorf]

You don't have to be dating someone at all times. Take some freakin time to yourself for a bit. This date went fine. You were honest with him about how you were feeling, what you had been through, and told him you are not ready to date. Everything that was said and done was accurate to you. Take some time off and heal up. Its going to be different for everyone and there is no shame in that.

 

And I agree with everyone, start taking our advice. You come for advice, so take advice. The advice you are getting if you look down the list is all basically the same thing: take time to yourself

Edited October 18, 2016 by gorf

[clia]

You referred to your actions as "mistakes." Do you understand how rude you were toward this poor guy? Do you understand how self absorbed you came off?

 

Some Mistakes I made..

 

1. I was late and nervous wreck

 

Being late is rude. How late were you and why were you late?

 

2. I unconsciously kept talking about the last failed long distance O.L.D. I said I felt bad about him still and still wish I could be dating him. I only realized in hindsight that I harped on this too much and he kind of zoned out in boredom when I did

 

Can you blame him? He's on a date with you and you are telling him you wish you were dating another guy? So rude. And unbelievable.

 

3. I said I like being single

 

This isn't a big deal except that it was a blatant lie, given your other topics of conversation.

 

4. I didn't order any food and drank water. I excused this by saying I already ate and have to work tomorrow (true)' I watched him eat and he gave me a sip of his drink. Later when we were talking I confessed my hangup with men paying for my stuff in dates especially on first dates and how I go places early and order to avoid it. He may have put 2 and 2 together.

 

So you go to (I presume) a bar or restaurant for a first date and only order water? Who does that? How awkward for him.

 

5.I checked my phone to see the time and realized it had only been a little over an hour(It felt so much longer) I said something like "well.. I had a lot of fun are ready to..? And started to get up and he motioned to his half full beer. I said "oh sorry that's so rude of me, please take your time. I just figured you have to be up early for work" he said no it's fine and he's sorry he's a slow drinker

 

Rude. You were so absorbed in yourself you didn't stop to notice that he was only halfway through his beer.

 

Did I mess up too bad to fix

 

I wouldn't be shocked if this guy was posting somewhere on Reddit right now about the horrible date he went on last night.

 

I concur with the other posters. Work on yourself. You obviously didn't even like this guy, given your actions, so why do you even care if you can fix it? I agree with the poster above that you are just trying to put someone, anyone in a void.

[Redhead14]

If there's is a consolidated discussion for this please move it there, sorry

 

I'm panicking. I went onto 2nd online date last night to try to get over a 1st online dating that went horribly. This one went worse. I didn't feel that much chemistry with him..but I thought maybe it's cuz I'm still heartbroken. Seems like he doesn't want to even see me again, so I won't have a chance to see if anything blossoms. It seemed like conversation was flowing well and for a very long time. Asked me about past relationships etc. but As we were leaving, he never said anything about a 2nd date or that he wants to see me again . No follow up text. He just gave me a hug and said "talk soon?" And "get home safe" Is that the "kiss of death"?

 

Some Mistakes I made..

 

1. I was late and nervous wreck

2. I unconsciously kept talking about the last failed long distance O.L.D. I said I felt bad about him still and still wish I could be dating him. I only realized in hindsight that I harped on this too much and he kind of zoned out in boredom when I did

3. I said I like being single

4. I didn't order any food and drank water. I excused this by saying I already ate and have to work tomorrow (true)' I watched him eat and he gave me a sip of his drink. Later when we were talking I confessed my hangup with men paying for my stuff in dates especially on first dates and how I go places early and order to avoid it. He may have put 2 and 2 together.

5.I checked my phone to see the time and realized it had only been a little over an hour(It felt so much longer) I said something like "well.. I had a lot of fun are ready to..? And started to get up and he motioned to his half full beer. I said "oh sorry that's so rude of me, please take your time. I just figured you have to be up early for work" he said no it's fine and he's sorry he's a slow drinker

 

Did I mess up too bad to fix

 

Yes, you messed up this date and it cannot be fixed. What you can fix, if you start listening is YOU.

 

I unconsciously kept talking

 

I only realized in hindsight

 

You don't think very well "on your feet", do you?

 

I said I like being single - Why would you say that? You don't like being single!!!!!!! -- You're trying to project false confidence and security. Trust me, most guys will pick up on your lack of confidence and your insecurity and desperateness. The only way to not come across in those ways, is to actually be confident, secure and not desperate.

 

You said later in the thread that the reason you keep jumping into new dating scenarios is for practice, etc. That is not the reason. You do it because you are desperate. People who do things for practice, learn things from that practice and begin to do a better job at whatever it is. You, on the other hand, learn nothing.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, with the same thought-process, or lack thereof, expecting different results.

 

Find/do the things you are good at for a while and build some esteem, confidence and that make your life as a single woman more fulfilling.

[stillafool]

Basil I know I didn't listen but I really don't see how staying alone is going to help my loneliness. I am lacking confidence and security, so shouldn't I be practicing and learning from my mistakes in order to build that ? I wasn't using I was trying to find potential new partner or at least person to date and have fun with

 

 

Stop dating. You don't have to date in order to not be alone. Go out with your gfs and dance, meet guys (under no pressure), go hiking, just get active. When you heal from your other relationship try dating again. But not now because you are blowing it.

[Miss Peach]

OP - I don't know your history but I do know one thing. If I were a guy, I would call that a bad date. Men want to feel good when they take you out. I don't see how you made that man feel good or wanted.

 

I highly recommend reading some stuff by Natalie Lue. Either her books or her blog. She write a lot about self esteem. You need to work on this before you will attract good men.

[Cookiesandough]

No call..don't think I even wanna date anymore . I feel so rejected and unattractive . I thought maybe since I may have came off disinterested I should have sent a text thanking him and saying I had a good time. Not sure if that ship has sailed. I got the impression he's picky

Edited October 18, 2016 by Cookiesandough

[Zahara]

No call..don't think I even wanna date anymore . I feel so rejected and unattractive . I thought maybe since I may have came off disinterested I should have sent a text thanking him and saying I had a good time. Not sure if that ship has sailed. I got the impression he's picky

 

Really, Cookies. I hate to be harsh but are you dense? You expect him to call you. I wouldn't call you.

 

No man is going to want to be around someone that comes to the table the way you did. You see nothing wrong in what you're doing. I would have said goodbye to you and continued with my beer on my own.

 

And you want to improve your self-esteem by dating? You have to have really thick skin to online date and seeing how fragile and weak you are, you'll be eaten alive if you keep continuing the way you are.

 

Picky? He was smart because he probably saw your dysfunction the moment you opened your mouth.

[Zahara]

I feel so rejected and unattractive .

 

This is why your self-esteem is in the toilet.

 

An empowered person would be going next, knowing their value and worth, not defining themselves over a date and accepting that it's not the end of the world.

 

You on the other hand -- after one date, which you by the way acted horribly goes boo hoo, no one loves me.

[Redhead14]

No call..don't think I even wanna date anymore . I feel so rejected and unattractive . I thought maybe since I may have came off disinterested I should have sent a text thanking him and saying I had a good time. Not sure if that ship has sailed. I got the impression he's picky

 

I should have sent a text thanking him and saying I had a good time -- Really? You had a good time? You need to get a new measuring stick for determining what a good time is. You weren't even "there", "in the moment" and focusing.

 

Not sure if that ship has sailed -- You sank that ship . . .

 

You got the impression he's picky. He probably got the impression that you were not a fun date, completely oblivious and desperate."

 

GET A GRIP!!!!

[stillafool]

Just let this one go and don't contact him again. Work on your self esteem, get out and enjoy life without a man and then you will be ready for one. Do you have girlfriends?