weird phone calls

[bgirl]

My husband and I had a really terrible marriage where he was verbally abusive, sometimes physically, with porn problems as well.

 

We are going to be divorced, but we haven't started the process yet legally. He's staying at a friend's house while I'm staying home with our child.

 

I've met someone else, we're in love, have alot of respect for each other, and treat each other really well. After the divorce stuff is over, we want to be together.

 

My soon to be ex husband is hurt and has been having a really hard time with it. But he knows his abuse is a big reason for what happened. I feel terrible about his pain, and I feel sad myself, but divorce is 100% necessary.

 

My question is about whether or not some of his actions are normal in this situation, or if I should be concerned.

He's acquired all the passwords to my email accounts and online diary, and read everything in each. He's stolen calling cards from me, called the company, and convinced them to tell him the history of calls made. I repeatedly find that he's searched through all my belongings, my closet and drawers. He bought a monitering program and installed it on my computer secretly, and was getting reports on all my internet activity and copies of emails received and sent.

When he walks in my house, he picks up the phone and hits redial immediately.

 

He gets upset if he calls my house and gets a busy signal because it means I was on the phone with someone. Now I constantly get phone calls, where the phone rings for only a split second, not even half a ring. It started a few weeks ago, happened every day for awhile. I realized that it's him, checking for the busy signal. Half a ring is just long enough so that he can tell whether I'm on the phone or not, but so short that I can never answer in time.

 

Each time I've confronted him, he denies it and then it stops for a little while. But last night it started at 2:00 in the morning and continued every 30 minutes until 8 am, when finally I called him and asked him to stop. He again denied it, but it stopped for awhile after I called him. It just happened one more time while I write this message.

 

I'm losing sleep because of these phone calls. The logical answer would be to turn off the ringer, but I have a couple problems with that. If the ringer is off, I miss calls from others. I shouldn't have to turn off the ringer on my home phone to avoid someone harrassing me like that, it's not right. And also, if the ringer is off, then he can still call to tell if the phone's busy or not, I just won't hear it.

 

I can't afford a cell phone so my home phone is the only phone I use.

 

Does anyone have any advice on the situation? Is this just something I deserve, or do I have the right to be upset? Is he acting normal, or "psycho"?

[Zaira]

It's called stalking. Ask him to stop, and/or apply for a restraining order asap.

[FlutterBug]

You should hit redail as well after you receive a call and then block that number. You might also consider shutting off your home phone and replacing it with a cell phone - that way you won't have two bills. There are a lot of plans and you could find one to fit your budget. Also, call the police and report it. Hopefully you reported the previous abuse too. If not, start keeping paper reports immediately. It sounds as though he really is a psycho.

[shygurl]

First thing that popped into my mind when I read your post was.............could he be gathering evidence to use against you in the future re: divorce? eg) trying to obtain proof that you're seeing someone else and then, depending on what the laws are in your state, he could accuse you of committing adultery? I believe in some states, it could be construed as adultery to be involved with someone when you're not divorced...in some states, it's only if you're actually having sex with the new person. You really should speak with a divorce attorney in your area to find out more about this - you would hate for him to try and twist this all on you and accuse you of being an adulterer and maybe use that to try and get custody of your child?

 

BUT most likely, he's like most abusive men - it's driving him absolutely freaking nuts that you've "moved on" and are with someone else - and he considers you "his property" and it totally irks him that you're obviously NOT his 'property' any more. My abusive ex husband was like this when were separated (I'd left him after having him charged w/ assault and unlawful confinement) - he would drive to the payphone that was across from my house (this was back before cell phones) and call my house. He'd be able to see if my car was out front. If I didn't answer, he's assume I had someone there, and he'd call and call....then finally come right over. one time he came over, knocked on the door like a mad man. The guy really scared me. I was upstairs in my bedroom watching to see when he left.....the b*stard pryed open my living room window and was on his way into the house - then I really got scared....but my anger took over and I went downstairs and told him to get the hell out, did he want to add a charge of break and enter to his rap sheet?? I was freaked out that he'd go to this extent. I didn't call the police because he was already in enough sh*t for the assault charge. I just wanted him to leave me alone.

 

If you want to confirm that it's your husband who's making these calls, you can call up the phone company and ask them about putting a tap/trace on your line. Where I live, our phone company his it such that if you're receiving harassing calls, after you get a call, you dial #57 and it will "log" that call ...so that if you want to involve the police, they can retrieve the log and see who called, when, etc......

 

I think you seriously need to be concerned for your safety here, so should your boyfriend. Your (ex) husband sounds obsessive - and while he's not putting you at risk now, what if his behavior escalates?

 

Maybe you need to cool it with your new relationship right now - at least until you're divorced.

 

You might also want to talk to your local Domestic Violence Shelter (or search on Google for the National Domestic Violence center)....and ask them how to proceed in this case. You can do it anonymously.......the volunteers who work at these places are almost always women who've left abusive relationships themselves and they can definitely relate and can be a valuable, priceless source of support and guidance.

[Craig]

Your soon to be ex husband (STBXH) sounds like my STBXW(ife) except for the porn.

 

Here's what you can do until you're divorced.

 

* Change passwords everyday or every couple of days.

* Don't let him into your house so he can hit redial, steal your calling cards and etc.

* Call the phone company and the police and tell them that you are in the midst of getting a divorce, that you fear for your safety (very important) and that you are getting those harassing phone calls through the night. They should have some solutions. If the person you talk to can't (won't) help keep calling a couple of times per day at least. Sometimes, they want to know you are truly serious and aren't just over reacting to a minor incident.

* I don't know which monitoring program he installed on your computer but you can download for free two programs called "SpyBot" and "AdAware" that might find and kill the monitoring program. These won't find Spector but AOL 9.0 with Spyware protection will find and kill Spector. You can sign up for a free trial for AOL and then cancel AOL after it finds and kills Spector and then do not give him access to your computer again and don't open any e-mails from him again. Only accept mailed letters.

* If he has a key to your house--change the locks. He has no right to enter your property without your permission. If you find that he has broken into your house then call the police, file a report, get a case number. Do not accept anything less from the police. Sometimes they are lazy and don't want to take a report.

* If you're getting a divorce then he has no reason to contact you except regarding the divorce and even those communications aren't so time sensitive that they can't be mailed. Don't accept him coming to your door with letters.

 

ON PHONES

 

You could change your telephone number to an unlisted number and just have your STBXH communicate with you through a third party.

 

OR

 

Change your telephone number to 2 unlisted numbers. It's called a smart ring in some places. When the telephone rings it has a distinct ring depending on the telephone number being called. Use one number for a regular phone and give the other number only to your STBXH if you want him to have a number at all. Then when he calls you'll know it's him.

 

AND/OR

 

Block all private callers through your phone company. This means that your phone won't even ring unless the caller can be identified through caller display. Abusers are like cockroaches, they don't like to be seen doing their dirty work. Anyone who is calling you while you are sleeping is going to know that you will be able to know the phone number they are calling from if you have this feature.

 

 

YOU NEED TO ALSO contact your local domestic violence center and get an appointment to see either an advocate or a counsellor about your situation. You are in the storm of a potentially dangerous situation and need to understand this and with the help of people who have been there before, take steps to protect yourself. Your situation is potentially very dangerous to your safety. If you think it can't happen to you then you'd be like all the other victims of domestic violence that thought it could never happen to them either. You need to take steps to protect yourself.

 

PS - Before you start using the #57 check and see how much it might cost in your area. In some areas it can cost as much as $5.00 per use.

[SunnySG]

I agree with the replies above.

Also, most divorce papers include restraining/protective order papers that you can fill out in conjunctioin with your divorce petition/summons.

 

I think you should make sure your family and friends know about this behavior as well, so that you have people looking out for you. Perhaps arrange to have them stop by periodically until things cool down. For a little piece of mind. Also, they could serve as witneses to the harrassing calls should YOU need proof against him.

 

And yes, you should probably just get it on record at the police station. There is no harm or risk in covering all your bases. Battered/abused woman who didn't file reports sometimes fall to the wayside in the end.... After all, filing out a report is just paper and takes little time.

 

If you have firearms, take them out of the house - you just never know.

 

In a case like this, you should be prepared for the worst, scary as it seems.

 

He's is having a terrible time coping, and in turn it's scaring you. Tell him the calls are scaring the kids. Appeal to his paternal nature.

 

I think it's normal that he's panicing, but he seems to be taking it to another level. For example, my husband (whom I have filed papers against) blocked certain sights on the internet from me. This website for example. I couldn't do searches for any keywords like 'divorce, seperation,' etc. It drove me nuts. But I figured it was a survival tactic on his part, grasping onto whatever liferope he could to keep me around.

 

You have children that need protecting. It's your job to protect yourself and always be prepared for their sake. So you're there for them, always.

 

So GO BE PREPARED.

Just in case.

[bgirl]

thank you to everyone who replied, i will have time to respond to them tomorrow-

had a horrible day because of him and just want to go to bed.

i will say that i'm going to do some research in case i have to get a restraining order. he broke into my email again today. i found out because he acted like a jerk and said it was because of an email he saw in my account. refused to even acknowledge that it was wrong for him to be in it in the first place.