Would you let your children around the affair partner turned gf

[Cloudcuckoo]

You know the situation Raena, and your son, and of course putting him first is obviously going to be your first priority so just do that.

 

If his Father wants to see him he comes to you. Simple as that, unless he wants to pay for you both to go to him, which from the sound of it is most unlikely given he has an unhinged partner screeching like a banshee in the background that he's to stay away from you both.

 

Nobody's going to 'force' your boy into a situation that's unhealthy for him, let alone one that experience has proven to traumatise him.

 

Leave your 'prize' ex to his demented partner and keep your son away from all that. When/if he asks about his son, tell him he knows where he lives if he wants to see him, and that he can do so any time he likes...without his 'baggage' in tow and in the child's own home, thankyou very much!

 

You don't need a court order for that.....

[tilby]

Unless there's abuse, in your husband's time there's nothing you can do. I know it sucks but that is the exact reason divorce & child custody is hard...when the kids are with their dad, there isn't anything you really can say no to, without going back to court but once again if there isn't any abuse, there's not much you can do.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this & it's not ideal but once a relationship breaks up, you can't really tell the parent what they can & can not do with the kids.

 

My friends mom's all married their AP & my friends are all fine with familys of their own...I've not personally seen anyone that's not gotten over their parents A or divorce. We all through different challenges in life the best thing to teach kids is to handle things in a healthy manner, it's not about what happens to anyone, what's more important is how one handles what's happened to them...all you can do, good luck

 

 

 

This advice is spot on. I went through it and my ex married the AP.

 

There isn't anything you can do about it. It hurts like nothing else and you will feel like your ex doesn't deserve to have such a precious child after their wrong doings. You need to accept that he is their father and your children need him. It will take some time to adjust but I promise it will get easier.

 

The best thing you can do is be there for your kids and keep the lines of communication open. Don't bad mouth their father in front of the kids, but wait until they're asleep or staying with someone else. Also, as much as you don't want to hear about your ex and the OW from your kids, you will. If your kids repeat lies and accusations that they hear with their father, let them know it isn't true in an age appropriate way. They don't need to hear the full story. Just enough to satisfy their curiosity and no more.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in this horrible situation but you need to be strong for the kids, they are struggling too and they need you more than ever. You may also wish to look into counselling for yourself too and your kids, to help you adjust.

 

I'm happy to offer more advice if you need it. You will get through it though.

[cocorico]

Raena given your X's behaviour, you should be able to have the courts award you full custody and guardianship, with visitation strictly at your discretion. Document everything - your previous threads should have any details you may have forgotten - and take them to court. When your son is older, he will be able to exercise some agency over whether, when, where and how he sees his father, but for now you can get the courts to give you that authority. I had that with my kids, and years later when my xH suddenly remembered he had kids and reappeared in their lives expecting them to be all over him, they were "meh" and saw him as he was. Courts do not support parental neglect, or putting the child at risk. Let them know what the situation is, and they'll back you up. The interests of the child always come first.

[wmacbride]

As it stands right now, it sounds like your ex has become a persona non grata, which is probably for the best right now. Sol ong as he stays away and you don't hear from him, the issue won't come up.

 

 

When he does contact you again, document everything. How long he has been away and not in contact, the behavior of his ow woman,etc. If there is a video call, and if it's legal where you live, record it ( I don't use video calling, so I am assuming this is possible:D)

 

His ow's behavior and that of her is abusive to your child , and your child should not have to be exposed to that or the you-you style parenting of your ex. If your ex can't put your son first, then he shouldn't be around him at all.

[AnnaTjacks]

I have not been in your situation but I had a friend who was in the same situation. Fortunately, her husband (who did remarry) new wife was a woman who was respectful to both her and her kids. When the kids would visit their dad, the girls would tell their mom that they were cared for and comfortable with the new wife. I agree that makes a difference. Unfortunately, he did not spend much time with his girls but was more involved with his wife family. I will be saying a prayer for you that you will be able to discern what is the right thing to do.

[Lion Heart]

Like I said... my situation is unique. It's not as simple as... when he's with his father I have no say. He hasn't seen his father in 2 years because he lives 12 hours away from us. Eventually he will though and I fear what kind of drama will ensue because of it.

 

OW2 won't even let him talk to his child on the phone without making a scene. We tried video chatting and had to stop it because she would be in the background screaming and yelling and cussing at my ex to get off the computer and come do what she wanted right.this.minute kind of thing. She is extremely jealous of me and wants him to not have anything to do with me or my child. She even went so far as to yank the phone out of his hands and start screaming at me one night just a couple months ago for no reason what so ever. He had called to talk about his plans to come visit us and she completely wigged out that he was even talking to me. I don't think she was aware that he was planning to come here to see his child. I haven't heard from him since that night though and he didn't come so maybe she did know. He had said they weren't together anymore, but he lives with her sister and she just randomly shows up when she feels like it. That house sounds like a domestic dispute waiting to happen. From what I've heard, the police have been called there multiple times but I have no proof of that.

 

I have REAL concerns about my child being around this kind of toxic jerry springerish behavior. I certainly don't feel comfortable with sending him that far away to be around this kind of nuttiness and I'll fight it every step of the way should my ex ever try to force it to happen.

 

I know I'm worrying about things that haven't even happened yet but I have a feeling it will come eventually and I need to get my head wrapped around how I want to deal with it before the question of him going away to see his father comes up.

 

Oh my goodness Raena, you just pulled up memories from my past.

 

My eldest D went through similar (our M split when she was a baby).

 

For ages Wayward Father (WF still because of continued As in his next M, gambling & alcoholism) was wonderful to his D. The courts even held us up as an example of HOW to put the child first.

 

IMO you ARE putting the chld first in your case.

 

TRY TO RECORD (in notes) ANY negative or abusive behaviours that WF or crazy new gf or W does.

 

My D had SOOOOooooo many stories about staying at her WFs and it's sad but seldom were the issues about just THEIR relationship. Abuse from CW (jealousy crazed W) physical abuse from her half brothers. All sorts.

 

I followed what D wanted at exactly 13yo. The moment I was allowed to do a NC process through court for her.

 

I didn't want NC. I wanted BETTER safer contact.

 

WHEN you KNOW the situation is ABUSIVE and damaging to your CHILD. Law here listens. Hope there too!!!

 

13yo is the magic age here.

Paying for representation in court is so expensive.

 

Now.. in our situation NOW omg...twin 14yo don't have to.

11yo D doesn't have to EITHER BECAUSE of her brother's ages and the fact she is of high intelligence and can ARTICULATE her wants. Luckily we have massive proof of her high intelligence through school reports and National exam results.

 

Atm? HER want is to DROP her surname (WFs) and go to any other. She is so disgusted in WF.

 

THE GOOD thing which may be help in your situation Raena, is that WF wouldn't WANT TO END UP IN COURT.

 

LOL HIS family have done such HORRIBLE sh** to me and the children witnessed it all.

Plus I know SO MUCH more about their family history or paedophilia (with no proof from me) so I WILL disclose all the stories EXWH told me should it go to Court.

 

I have and still DO GIVE WF GUIDELINES of behaviours to stick to. He severely neglected the kids for 2 weeks in April. Lots of evidence there.

 

The children REFUSED to see or speak or even text him for 9 weeks after that. At first I was terrified of the ramifications of this. But supported my children only. WF could take his treatment and shove it where the sun don't shine.

 

Has he learnt his lesson? No. Not entirely.

But he's definitely waking up to it!

 

We are now TRIALLING access times in our home where the children feel safe. One or two 3-4h dinner times during the week. I leave the house.

 

Every 2nd weekend. I leave the house.

 

THOUGH during the revolting R I expressed the children's wishes EXPLICITLY. They knew WF had had a turnstile number of OWs (lol) so the future behaviours are predicted by PAST behaviours.

 

NO WAY was I going to allow a WHOLE RUN of women PAWING over my children (the cutesy factor for some people over THOSE twins and that mermaid D makes me sick. Everyone wants photos with them ugh).

 

SO WH AND I MADE A DEAL......UNLESS the next partner was a fiancée or "permanent" type LTR person, the children do not meet them.

 

He thought I'd never meet such..

He thought he'd have his pick of women.

 

You know what "thought" did right? Lol the opposite.

 

So my children have contact with my overseas bf and his family via phone and FB regularly. More than WFs!

 

Lion Heart

[standtall]

Yeah a court order is not something I'm even considering. It's not going to fix this problem.

 

In fact, the only court order I'd be asking for is a change to full custody for me with visitation at my discretion.

 

You can attempt anything you want....but it'll cost ya.

 

If your in the US (any state) or Canada, to get a court for a ex parte change of residence out of the immediate area with minor children, is just about as impossible as you can get.....good luck.

[S2B]

IF you really want to keep the child away from his new GF and he hasn't had visitation in two years - I'm wondering if you could legally end his parental rights?

 

Does he provide monthly support for the child?

[seren]

I would keep my child from anyone who was detrimental to their health and wellbeing, not necessarily a girlfriend who was an OW. I understand how much an A can hurt, both the BS and the family, but, the relationship with the parent should be protected as much as possible. It isn't easy to hide the hurt and often contempt a BS can feel about the A or the WS or AP, but, I believe the BS can and should do all they can to keep that to themselves.

 

I have two very good friends, they had been married for over 15 years, he caught her in an A, literally. They tried to reconcile and failed, now, some 12 months later he has remarried, she, who is the WS, is in a new relationship and lives with their two sons and her boyfriend. They meet up for family nights, they show a untied front to their children and all 4 do all they can to ensure the children manage the break up and now the new relationships in the best way. TBH I think the integration is a bit weird, but I take my hat off to them.

 

There is nothing worse than a child feeling abandoned by a parent, my ex H never saw his son after we divorced (his choice) and even though it is almost 30 years since we divorced, my son feels he did something wrong to stop his father not bothering with him. I think the parent child relationship is paramount, unless it is detrimental to the child. Not liking the girlfriend or feeling hurt because of an A is understandable, but it is the parent's boat to row, unless the OW/OM is a danger to the child. For me, I would have to have proof they were not healthy for my child and I would need to ensure my child was happy to go visit. If not, even if the court decided otherwise, I would fight it with all that I had or arrange for supervised contact until a new relationship was established.

[Raena]

IF you really want to keep the child away from his new GF and he hasn't had visitation in two years - I'm wondering if you could legally end his parental rights?

 

Does he provide monthly support for the child?

 

Sporadically and the amount is always different but yes, he usually does send something.

 

I looked into it and because he does... terminating his rights wouldn't be possible. Usually you would do this if you've gotten remarried and your new spouse wants to adopt.

 

I'm not sure I want to go that far just yet but I would like to limit his ability to demand I send him away from me for any time given the circumstances.