What would you do?

[theonething]

I'm new to this forum, and really just want to know what most men would do in a situation like I am in.

 

Background: My wife is 12 years younger, now 34. We've been together for about 9 years now, married for 18 months. No children together. I was a pretty bad womanizer just prior to meeting her, and it carried into our relationship a few months - but I havent cheated on her past the first few months of knowing her. About 4 years into our relationship, she suddenly stopped sleeping with me and went into super crazy mode - accusing me of everything under the sun, checking my phone, starting fights, etc. Turns out she was sleeping with some steriod using gym rat at her gym, and ended up moving from our house into his (with her 8 year old son in tow). Her biggest complaint was that i wasnt disciplining my children properly and spoiling them (mine were 12 and 15 at the time), and i guess i didnt consult with her when i spent money (even if it was 2 bucks on something for the kids). She got pregnant with this guy, came back to me, had an abortion and we got married about 18 months later. It was very traumatizing to me, i had the fortune of reading some of their emails... things like him saying "it's so annoying that he calls you all the time, maybe i should just go take care of him for the sport of it". Yeah, she would disappear on Friday night and not come home til sunday night, spending the weekends with him - telling me she was here or there. and yes, i swallowed hook line and sinker.

 

There is so much more to say, but now to current events. Just before we got married I found myself addicted to pain pills. It's been a bit of a strain, but i didnt think it was the end of the world. I make very good income, live in a very nice home, have expensive cars, decent bank and retirment, go to work, live rather normal. She is a SAHM, but recently started teaching yoga at the local gym. Last few months, she began staying out later and later. She took a trip out of state 6 weeks ago because she wasnt sure about our marriage and wanted to find herself a bit. I said go, funded the trip. She comes back, asked me to go for the weekend and clean myself up, off i went. While im getting clean, she disappears again and cuts my "vacation" short - i come home and she is nowhere to be found, no answer of texts/calls - nothing. Later that week she goes to the store but comes back an hour later with a bag of chips, then while watching a movie she takes a call and steps out to the porch for it. I get the willies and in the morning i decide to check our phone records. Well, it started her weekend away with a 3.5 hour phone call with some dude in her yoga group at the gym. An hour a day every day, pretty much starting the moment she leaves the house in the morning for "her yoga class". I ask her to go to dinner that night (it was a friday), she says no that she has to meet a g/f. I beg her to stay, i ask if she has interest in some guy, i say lets work on this - i try it all. Nothing, she is gone. I follow her, and this is what happens:

 

She leaves our house, goes straight to this guys house. Picks him up in our new Range Rover and heads out to dinner. They are at dinner for 3.5 hours, and check into a hotel. They uber to a bar and drink/dance the night away. Here was my response:

 

1. Text to him: "This is (wife)'s husband, please let her know when you are done entertaining my wife that i picked up the range rover from the hotel. Blah blah - a few other things.

2. Text to her: "I left a few weeks of clothes in your car(i left the other one in the rovers place), you arent welcome back. I cant believe you did this again"

3. I closed the bank account that was in my name only, but the one where my paychecks go.

4. I cancelled the credit cards that she was an authorized user on.

 

Long story short, I cant keep her from the house so she didnt go away. We are trying to work on things, started counselling. but a few other things:

 

This weekend she again went out Friday night, saying she wouldnt be terribly late. She didnt come home til Sunday morning, and refused to say where she was nor answer her phone/text. She left the Range Rover at the gym for the weekend, so i went and picked it up and brought it home. Damned if i'll be stuck driving the crappy car when a perfectly good Rover is sitting there.

 

She told me today that I am the meanest and most vicious person she has ever met, that no husband would to what i did - and that i am just trying to control her with my money.

 

I say - my wife has zero consequence to her actions, and i dont know what else to do.

 

What would you do?

[KBarletta]

Wow, theonething. Welcome to LS.

 

There's a lot to digest here. Infidelity, age difference, blended families, drug use, financial issues ...

 

But the one question that comes to mind here is this - If you decide to stay and work on this relationship, what do you think you'd be going back to? Given what you have shared here, I am not sure there's much left to save.

 

Do you trust that if you reconciled that she wouldn't be back out there again cheating with someone else? She's going out on Friday and staying out until Sunday morning, while you are trying to "work on things"?

 

You've already begun to separate your finances. It sounds as though you are well on your way to a separation and divorce.

 

If I were you, I would file for divorce and let her go. It doesn't sound like there is any trust, or much affection or love, between you at this point. You have no kids together, so I would ask you: What are you trying to salvage here?

 

If you can't come up with a good answer to that question, file for the D and don't look back.

[jaimster]

I can relate somewhat what your going through . my wife left sunday night age difference about same as yours . don't think she's aver had an affair outside might be wrong ! who knows .. I'm 53 she is 34 I'm letting her go wish her the best no kids either..

she says that's why she is leaving !!! sounds like you have a career and are well off and no trouble getting women

 

if your self esteem and confidence still there .. as MY IS .. I think we are very fortunate this happened now.. I don't have much money unemployed looking to start a small business and somehow I feel glad this happened now and she left me NOT me .. I would feel guilt for a long time ..

 

let her go dude .. life its too long to be miserable ..

[theonething]

Thanks for the reply, and good points. Yes, there is a lot going on. The drug use is really bothersome because she is telling me that it is the primary reason that she become "emotionally detached" from me. I've all but cut it out, for example: I didnt use anything for the week, but come 2AM on Sunday morning and she hasnt come home or bothered to return my call/text - well, i just need to get some sleep at that point. I shouldnt use it as an excuse - yes, i know this.

 

Why do I stay? Well, every night (weeknight lately) she crawls into bed in bra/panties and snuggles up with me. She does say that she loves me and wants to work on things. She swears up and down that she didnt sleep with this guy, because i caught them just a hair before it got there. We started counselling a few weeks ago, and there seems to be some bright spots to look forward to.

 

We've been together for 9 years, i'm actually quite fond of her by now. When we do things together, i have sincerely not had as much fun with anyone else i have ever hung out with. She laughs at my stupid jokes, enjoys many of the same little things in life that i do - and she is drop dead gorgeous. Definitely very close to the best looking woman i have ever dated. Our sex life in the past has been second to none, but the past 6 months near non-existent.

 

I guess I am still here because I am in love with her, and she gives me signals that she wants to stay.

 

What I'm really curious though is what would most men have done if they saw their wife hugging/kissing a guy while on a date and proved they were chatting it up on the phone for 6 weeks prior. Did i go overboard by closing bank/card and taking the car back? When she went MIA for this past weekend and i picked up the car - was that overboard?

 

What does someone do when the wife does this crap? I just cant sit idly by and just "Im mad at you..", i feel that something needs to be done. I'm not talking about just filing for divorce, i'm wondering what would / could one do short of filing (or even threatening) divorce?

[Marc878]

File for divorce and protect your finances. You can't fix her. She sent you to get dried out so she could have time for her affair.

 

She's playing you for a fool.

[Marc878]

Thanks for the reply, and good points. Yes, there is a lot going on. The drug use is really bothersome because she is telling me that it is the primary reason that she become "emotionally detached" from me. I've all but cut it out, for example: I didnt use anything for the week, but come 2AM on Sunday morning and she hasnt come home or bothered to return my call/text - well, i just need to get some sleep at that point. I shouldnt use it as an excuse - yes, i know this.

 

Why do I stay? Well, every night (weeknight lately) she crawls into bed in bra/panties and snuggles up with me. She does say that she loves me and wants to work on things. She swears up and down that she didnt sleep with this guy, because i caught them just a hair before it got there. We started counselling a few weeks ago, and there seems to be some bright spots to look forward to.

 

We've been together for 9 years, i'm actually quite fond of her by now. When we do things together, i have sincerely not had as much fun with anyone else i have ever hung out with. She laughs at my stupid jokes, enjoys many of the same little things in life that i do - and she is drop dead gorgeous. Definitely very close to the best looking woman i have ever dated. Our sex life in the past has been second to none, but the past 6 months near non-existent.

 

I guess I am still here because I am in love with her, and she gives me signals that she wants to stay.

 

What I'm really curious though is what would most men have done if they saw their wife hugging/kissing a guy while on a date and proved they were chatting it up on the phone for 6 weeks prior. Did i go overboard by closing bank/card and taking the car back? When she went MIA for this past weekend and i picked up the car - was that overboard?

 

What does someone do when the wife does this crap? I just cant sit idly by and just "Im mad at you..", i feel that something needs to be done. I'm not talking about just filing for divorce, i'm wondering what would / could one do short of filing (or even threatening) divorce?

 

She's a cake eater and feeding you breadcrumbs so she can keep her checkbook.

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. He's been getting more sex than you have. You can bank on that.

 

Your problem now is you. You want to believe her lies so you can have some hope. So like many you'll ignore the truth. Her actions speak louder than her words.

 

Better wake up.

[theonething]

It's so crazy how I know these responses are what I would tell someone too. I think I am also afraid to be alone. I'm really curious to know if I over read

Fred by doing the things I did, or did I do the right thing? I did tell her that if she goes off for a weekend like this ever again that our relationship is going to change.

 

She also told me today that she actually reached out to this guy yesterday and met with him "in a very public place", to explain to him that they can't be friends for now - but she told him maybe in the future. And she made sure to tell me that my money means nothing to her, and that this guy offered to pay for any attorney fees she needs, any spending money she needs, and she can stay in his house. I don't get how I am vicious and mean? Her staying out all weekend isn't?

 

I'm just so frustrated and don't know what I should do. Is there a way that I can get her to fall back in like love with me?

[Marc878]

It's so crazy how I know these responses are what I would tell someone too. I think I am also afraid to be alone. I'm really curious to know if I over read

Fred by doing the things I did, or did I do the right thing? I did tell her that if she goes off for a weekend like this ever again that our relationship is going to change.

 

She also told me today that she actually reached out to this guy yesterday and met with him "in a very public place", to explain to him that they can't be friends for now - but she told him maybe in the future. And she made sure to tell me that my money means nothing to her, and that this guy offered to pay for any attorney fees she needs, any spending money she needs, and she can stay in his house. I don't get how I am vicious and mean? Her staying out all weekend isn't?

 

I'm just so frustrated and don't know what I should do. Is there a way that I can get her to fall back in like love with me?

 

Cheaters lie a lot. If they have any contact the affair continues. You can't make her do anything. If you do the "Pick Me Dance" it'll make you look weak and needy.

 

We're just friends is the biggest lie told. It's called the cheaters script.

 

Your heart has not sync'd up to your brain yet. Anyone can see this but at this time you don't want to.

 

Sorry man but you are being played.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is there a way that I can get her to fall back in like love with me?

 

Only if there's a way she can get you to be OK with her cheating. That's the deal she's offering you.

 

Look at the top of this forum, there's a ton of info for someone in your situation:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Your current attempts to "nice" her back are interpreted as permission to just keep doing what she's doing. Time to have some boundaries and consequences...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

Hi one thing, it does'nt require a rocket scientist to tell you that your rocket had faults in it before lift off and crashed and burned a little after take off. There is nothing you can do to save a marriage which is a train wreck and if you think there is something there well you are very badly mistaken. Your wife cannot unf.... the guys she has had trysts with, she cannot change her habits anymore than a leopard can change its spots and if you are able to live a good life with the money you earn then you don't need her in your life. If you have to have a woman get someone good to share your life with than some tramp you picked off the wayside.

 

Of course you are not the angel Gabriel either so first work on yourself before you think of another woman. However, before anything else get rid of this tramp that is masquerading as your wife. Sorry if I sound harsh or insensitive but just reading your OP made my blood curdle. Warm wishes.

[KBarletta]

I guess I am still here because I am in love with her, and she gives me signals that she wants to stay.

 

What I'm really curious though is what would most men have done if they saw their wife hugging/kissing a guy while on a date and proved they were chatting it up on the phone for 6 weeks prior. Did i go overboard by closing bank/card and taking the car back? When she went MIA for this past weekend and i picked up the car - was that overboard?

 

What does someone do when the wife does this crap? I just cant sit idly by and just "Im mad at you..", i feel that something needs to be done. I'm not talking about just filing for divorce, i'm wondering what would / could one do short of filing (or even threatening) divorce?

 

The signals that she wants to stay, unfortunately, seem like nothing much more than breadcrumbs left to keep you on the hook, for the sake of $$ and maybe just in case things with the other guy crash and burn.

 

I agree with the other posters that she is almost certainly cheating.

 

What does someone do? In my opinion the answer is to find out the truth (which I think you already know) with concrete proof. It shouldn't be too hard, given how brazen she seems to be - staying out all weekend is a pretty good indicator that she is being unfaithful, IMO.

 

If you find out she's cheating but you don't want to divorce, then you need to get to counseling for a good long time, both joint and individually, make sure she breaks off all contact with the affair partner, and commits to total openness with you about her life, and you with her.

 

Honestly, at this point, given the circumstances as you have laid them out, this seems like the longest of long shots.

[theonething]

Of course you are not the angel Gabriel either so first work on yourself before you think of another woman. However, before anything else get rid of this tramp that is masquerading as your wife. Sorry if I sound harsh or insensitive but just reading your OP made my blood curdle. Warm wishes.

 

Newbie question: what is "OP"?

[KBarletta]

Newbie question: what is "OP"?

 

Original Post/Original Poster

[sandylee1]

She likes the money, but she's always going to have sex with other men. You taking her back every time tells her it's not a dealbreaker for you and she just has to put on some lingerie and she has you where she wants you.

 

I'm not sure why you tolerate this level of disrespect to be honest.

 

You do seem to harp on about the car brands which has no relevance, so she may have a point about you being controlling. The main issue is she's loving sex with other men. They talk about you and she allows them to disrespect you.

 

Begs the question why she wants to be married if she thinks going out overnight like that is acceptable.

[salparadise]

I think I am also afraid to be alone.

 

You must be... extremely afraid. It's the only explanation for why any man in his right mind would put up with this kind of humiliation. She has no respect for you whatsoever... and apparently you don't have much for yourself. She's making a fool of you. Sorry to be so blunt, but this is what you need to hear.

 

And she made sure to tell me that my money means nothing to her, and that this guy offered to pay for any attorney fees she needs, any spending money she needs, and she can stay in his house.

 

I'm just so frustrated and don't know what I should do. Is there a way that I can get her to fall back in like love with me?

 

Take her up on it––quickly, before he changes his mind. There's nothing to save. You might be able to pick up a bit of self-respect though.

 

I don't think there ever was any love. It was superficial infatuation... the same as she now enjoys with other men while parking your Range Rover at the hotel. You've been cheating on each other the entire relationship.

 

Just get rid of her using the most expeditious route. Let the other guy take her and pay her bills. That won't last either.

 

Then get yourself into rehab, stay clean, go to therapy and start a new life based on self-respect and personal integrity. That's the only shot you have at making lemonade out of this mess.

[salparadise]

What does someone do when the wife does this crap? I just cant sit idly by and just "Im mad at you..", i feel that something needs to be done. I'm not talking about just filing for divorce, i'm wondering what would / could one do short of filing (or even threatening) divorce?

 

 

Well, most men––men with a healthy sense of self––kick'em to the curb, close that chapter, work on healing, and start a new chapter either alone or with someone new. Most learn that honesty, trust, integrity is the foundation, so they carefully vet any new women for those qualities.

 

My guess is that you've somehow been diminished to the point that you're willing to accept a lying, cheating skank into your bed just to have a warm body. Doesn't it disgust you when she comes and crawls into bed to know that she was phukking some random guy thirty minutes before and is in your bed with her leaky vagina? The fact that you're able to either self-delude or overlook that is what I find amazing. She's broken and you can't fix that. But the fact that you're willing to put up with this crap for even a minute tells me that you're broken too––maybe worse than her.

 

Have you ever had a functional relationship? I mean one where you were fulfilled, affirmed, appreciated, prioritized... one based more on love, dedication, sincerity, trust and integrity than sex and the hotness quotient? The fact that you cite her hotness as a reason to put up with this treatment is revealing.

 

Do you not believe that a healthy, attractive, well-adjusted woman could ever love you?

Edited October 21, 2016 by salparadise

[BluesPower]

Can we just be straight about this please???

 

Your wife has been getting screwed by other men, Fact. Do you really think she did not sleep with him? Come on with that crap.

 

And, who really knows how long she has been doing it? Who knows how many other men she has been screwing?

 

I really don't want to be rude, but you have just got to man up here. Find your balls.

 

You are a hot commodity. You are in your 50's, have a good job, plenty of money, women will flock to you. You do not need this woman for anything.

 

Why you have self esteem issues is anyone's guess, but you need to get over it.

 

Look, I am not a pretty boy any more, but I too am in my 50's. I could have a different woman in my bed every night if I wanted to. I have done it. I don't anymore because my wife an I are back together, but I could.

 

I have women hitting on me all day everyday. You need to realize what is out there for strong confident men.

 

Divorce her now and move on...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, the OP has mentioned among other things, that his wife is gorgeous, very good looking and is probably the most handsome woman he had ever dated. Fact is that extremely good looking women are usually(not always)a bit narcissistic and possibly tend to be nymphomaniacs. This is because for one thing they ate rather shallow and tend to preen themselves in front of a mirror and also have an enormous sense of entitlement. They need to have their egos stroked often and profusely. For this they constantly seek out male attention for ego stroking and to boost their self esteem and will offer sex yo get their needs fulfilled. This is all the more reason the OP needs to ditch his wife because she will never be satisfied by him but will always need him for her lifestyle and finances. The OP thinks he's got the catch of the century but in fact probably he is the catch of the century for his wife as she needs a sucker like him to support her while sheakes her forays.

[Lion Heart]

Original Post/Original Poster

 

Crikeys KB I thought it meant "other people".

I'll continue reading. I'm getting sick in the stomach reading what's happening to the OP too.

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

Theonething,

 

I really feel for you in your situation. It's sick what you're WW (Wayward Wife - in this case meaning unfaithful / cheating wife) is doing to you.

 

She's beating you down and soon you're gonna get to ground zero.

 

YOU HAD SOME power by closing off your accounts, cutting off your shared credit card, getting the car FROM THE MOTEL!

 

AND you're asking whether we think she's "done" this guy?

OFCOURSE SHE HAS.

 

OM (Other Man) and your WW are having ALOT of fun at your expense. Literally! Financially and emotionally.

WW is costing you ALOT.

 

ABSOLUTELY I agree to you cutting her off financially!

Now you're "mean"? Lol. You are WAY too soft on her.

She has you EXACTLY WHERE she wants you.

All it takes is a bra & panties venture and she's got you back in order as a lap dog.

She's mind-f***ing you.

 

Look up the Cheater's Handbook 101 because this WW IS AN EXPERT. Once you get familiar with all the techniques a cheater uses, you'll soon see she is.

 

You know she is.

Atm you don't want to face the ramifications to you.

Better to get it over FAST.

 

If you don't kick her filthy a out, then do an in-house 180 while you get your ducks in a row.

 

Put locks on YOUR bedroom door. And the bathroom.

Put all her clothes, EVERYTHING in the spare room.

 

Put the crappy car in her name only.

Insurance - the LOT.

Give her the keys and say "don't drive my car (the Rover) anymore". Or don't speak to her. Leave a note saying so.

Put the Rover in your name only.

 

START SEPARATING EVERYTHING.

 

IF she's on YOUR Health Insurance then get her off it.

She'll start getting the paperwork and IF SHE starts screaming anything at you about being mean, laugh and go to your room. Heck have your computer in your room lol.

 

Lock your bedroom at night. In fact have a key lock to it and lock it all day. So she doesn't move her stuff back in.

 

See a lawyer and file for D if you can. IMMEDIATELY.

 

The OM.is willing to pay for all her expenses?

She's DEFINITELY given him alotta sex

Let him.

Also write him a letter telling him she sleeps with you too.

I BET SHE DOESN'T tell OM that. Lol.

 

No, they are belittling you no end when they're together.

 

It's difficult to think of what you'll do AFTER separation.

Leave that till afterwards but DO NOT LEAVE the house!

 

If you feel you're getting out of control with your temper then see if you can have a calm relative or friend stay at your house with you.

 

Once you've filed for separation or D, go begin your new life. Begin it now.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE with the other members who said you'll find no trouble at all getting another gf. You need to clean yourself up first. Be the man you want to be to get the level of woman YOU want next time.

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

BTW I've just been through a very similar situation with VERY WH.

 

After D Day (Discovery day about him cheating) a Real Estate Agent accidentally put a For Sale sign out the front of our house. Lol.

 

He went CRAZY!!! He was hoping for reconciliation lol.

I was in a meeting and got all these texts from WH.

IT WAS HILARIOUS.

 

I GOT ALOT of power BACK that day.

 

It was great.

 

You can always put the house on the market immediately.

Sell.

Then let her try to get her share.

OMs paying for her legal expenses right?

Let him.

 

Lion Heart

[elaine567]

Truth is she is 34 and a beautiful woman, sorry to be so blunt but she doesn't want to be seen out at dinner with some 50+ guy. Sad but true.

She wants to be seen in the Range Rover, and out dining with her gym rat.

She wants your money, but not you.

 

She knows she can snuggle up to you in bed and then you put up with all her rubbish, as she "loves" you.

BUT love is not just about sex, women can have great sex with guys they despise, if they want something out of them.

 

I doubt this will be the end of her cheating ways, so either you shut up and put up, or you actually "do" something about it.

However next time, forget about the young trophy gf/wife and the amazing sex, and find someone who actually has a heart to share your life with.

 

BTW you are self medicating with the pain pills, all the stress she put you through may have made you turn to alcohol, but instead you turned to the pills. She is toxic for your life and your health.

At 50+ you cannot afford to take a gamble with your life, stress literally kills.