Poppy47 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Tell him you will only speak with him or see him when his divorce is FINAL! Anything less and you're just allowing him to continue using you - as usual. MM lie... a LOT! What you witnessed today was just a man standing there lying... in order to keep stringing you along. Do yourself a HUGE favor and start dating single men - lots of them! That way you may find one that makes ONLY you his TOP priority. You deserve way better than the load of crap your MM is serving up. Stop participating with him - he will either get divorced or not whether you're hanging around or not. Best odds are he won't divorce - he's just wasting your time. After this long - you can only blame yourself if you don't walk away knowing he's not gonna divorce her. Don't tell him anything... just BE GONE! Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 He was waiting in the car for me, I let him in and we had a talk. He said he loves me like crazy, doesn't want to lose me and he'll do anything to be with me. It all was a little dramatic, I gave him the ultimatum...me or her. And no sex while making decision. And I said I'm not gonna wait forever. I can see he cares, I was told he was considering a divorce but when he found out how long it takes and how much it cost... It's hard to believe he will choose me, but only time will tell I guess. Maybe he loves us two... I know she's completely different than me, but he married her for a reason... When he was leaving he said he already made a choice and he'll prove it. Why the he'll he married her!!! I'm confused. But obviously, I love him, love him like crazy too, I just can't see myself with anyone else... I don't want anyone else. I feel like we're made for each other, is it even possible... I can't let him go. If you guys knew how much I love him, Jesus... I'm helpless. His wife will kill me, I'm sure. I'm a bad person He has two besotted women catering to his needs, a lovely wife and a woman who will put up with just about anything as she loves him so much. BUT she now says she is going. PANIC, his nice little cosy set up is coming to an end... OMG, OMG, OMG, he has to get her back on side or he will be left with just the one woman. SO, of course he "loves" you, of course he would "choose" you. Of course he will get that "expensive", "time consuming" divorce, of course you will both live happily forever and ever. ONLY not right now. He needs more time... YOU are NOT helpless and his wife will not kill you, as he will do his utmost to make sure she never ever finds out... Next step, I predict, wife is pregnant and he cannot possibly leave, but he still "loves" you sooo much, and you will still stick around... Lots of lovely baby pics on fb... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 You have had so much fantastic advice all I can add is that you are going to learn the hard way. LS has tried to save you some time and heartbreak, but it looks like you need to find out for yourself. He won't leave his wife, he will take the best years of your life, and you will be back here devastated, wondering why you didn't take the very wise advice from LS. Wake up and make it quick! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Wow, I am so shocked, I don't even know what to say... Is this really so bad? So Bad, I can't even understand why you posted it here. This is not a "We-Will-Support-Your-Mistake" Forum. Expect people here to encourage you to stay away from this toxic "relationship." You will definitely hurt a LOT of people. The both of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I think people are being a bit harsh here to be honest. As a former OW I remember feeling a lot of what you feel. It is so hard not to be taken in and to walk away when you feel what you feel. And to be honest I think you are doing amazingly well to have got to this place from when you first posted. But on the other side - you need to stick to this. Tell him for your sanity you can't have contact until he makes his choice. Not just no sex- no anything! And then try and get on with your life. Sending you lots of love - I feel your pain. Please try and make the right decisions 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 (edited) ^^^ I agree. You did the right thing but dont let yourself be placated with empty promises. Did he specify a timeframe? If not, next time you talk ask him to set a timeframe, if he doesn't set your own. I agree that you should not speak to him in the meantime. I told my ex that I would not have sex with him until he left, and I didnt, but we still went out, still talked every day, still kissed. It makes things much harder for you and doesnt give him quite the incentive he needs. Also it doesnt make you look like you are serious. He will try to keep stalling if you let him. He will also try to have sex with you, he will say things like 'Yes, I made a decision, I want you, I am just waiting for the right moment, if we could just...' Dont fall for it. You did the first step, now you just have to stick to your guns and you will see if he backs his words up with actions or if it were just empty promises to keep you around. Edited October 22, 2016 by Cyra 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjackie Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 Don't tell him anything... just BE GONE! Poppy But baby, I don't want to be gone Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I think people are being a bit harsh here to be honest. As a former OW I remember feeling a lot of what you feel. It is so hard not to be taken in and to walk away when you feel what you feel. And to be honest I think you are doing amazingly well to have got to this place from when you first posted. But on the other side - you need to stick to this. Tell him for your sanity you can't have contact until he makes his choice. Not just no sex- no anything! And then try and get on with your life. Sending you lots of love - I feel your pain. Please try and make the right decisions Not harsh at all. People are telling her what she needs to hear which is the truth. And this false ultimatum is not really making any progress. If the no-contact was supposed to start before he came to get his stuff, it makes very little sense that she would choose such a ridiculous way for him to retrieve his belongings. One in which they were most likely going to bump into each other yet again. OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and yet you've expressed no true desire to actually stop messing with this man. Giving him an ultimatum at this point is useless because you already know he's not going to leave her. We all know this. If you actually want to stop being a bad person and be done with this, then you'll end it. Anything less is just continuing the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and yet you've expressed no true desire to actually stop messing with this man. Giving him an ultimatum at this point is useless because you already know he's not going to leave her. We all know this. If you actually want to stop being a bad person and be done with this, then you'll end it. Anything less is just continuing the affair. The ultimatum is not useless. It will either result in him leaving or him not leaving. Those are the only two possible outcomes as far as he is concerned. But it is important that OP stands her ground and maintains NC until the end result is known, otherwise she will not be taken seriously and he will continue leading her on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 The ultimatum is not useless. It will either result in him leaving or him not leaving. Those are the only two possible outcomes as far as he is concerned. But it is important that OP stands her ground and maintains NC until the end result is known, otherwise she will not be taken seriously and he will continue leading her on. It is very useless at this point because he's going to continue what he's been doing, lying and tell her whatever she wants to hear to keep her around. And from the way she talks about their Affair and his feelings for her, I think it's highly unlikely that she's going to quit him cold turkey when he doesn't leave his wife. She's already not being taken seriously. The only thing that's going to change that is her moving on from him entirely. The ultimatum is just keeping her foot in the door. Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 But baby, I don't want to be gone If you're happy being the dirty little secret forever (or at least until he gets caught, dumps you, and throws you under the bus) then why did you bother posting here? What is it that you're looking for? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 It is very useless at this point because he's going to continue what he's been doing, lying and tell her whatever she wants to hear to keep her around. And from the way she talks about their Affair and his feelings for her, I think it's highly unlikely that she's going to quit him cold turkey when he doesn't leave his wife. I agree, of course this will happen if she lets him. It is up to her to see that and to say NO to less than she deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I agree, of course this will happen if she lets him. It is up to her to see that and to say NO to less than she deserves. Guess we'll just have to wait for his latest excuse in the update. Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 If you're happy being the dirty little secret forever (or at least until he gets caught, dumps you, and throws you under the bus) then why did you bother posting here? What is it that you're looking for? OP obviously knows somewhere inside that something is wrong. If she was truly happy with being a dirty secret, then she would not have come to this forum. Sometimes we know things but we choose to turn a blind eye, because what we know does not support what we want. It takes time, introspective, willingness, support from others to overcome the fear to face the truth. And she came to this forum it shows she is willing to explore the issue, but it is not as easy as if to say OK NOW I KNOW when feelings are involved. Emotions often trump logic, especially for women, as much as I hate to say it. She is here for support, as are all of us. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Guess we'll just have to wait for his latest excuse in the update. Oh I am sure he will come up with plenty (if she lets him)! For example, 'you know it is coming up for Xmas time, I cannot leave her now, can we wait until next year...?' Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Oh I am sure he will come up with plenty (if she lets him)! For example, 'you know it is coming up for Xmas time, I cannot leave her now, can we wait until next year...?' You are right, leaving her at Xmas time, would be such a rotten trick for him to play. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 You are right, leaving her at Xmas time, would be such a rotten trick for him to play. Oh I have heard that one before Then it is going to be Valentine's day, or her mother got sick, or their dog died... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 OP obviously knows somewhere inside that something is wrong. If she was truly happy with being a dirty secret, then she would not have come to this forum. Sometimes we know things but we choose to turn a blind eye, because what we know does not support what we want. It takes time, introspective, willingness, support from others to overcome the fear to face the truth. And she came to this forum it shows she is willing to explore the issue, but it is not as easy as if to say OK NOW I KNOW when feelings are involved. Emotions often trump logic, especially for women, as much as I hate to say it. She is here for support, as are all of us. (I know..I'm hoping to see HER say that she's not actually happy with it..maybe if she says it, she'll consider acting on it). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Oh I am sure he will come up with plenty (if she lets him)! For example, 'you know it is coming up for Xmas time, I cannot leave her now, can we wait until next year...?' And giving her pattern of behavior on this thread, she makes a choice to do one thing and then he convinces her to do another. That pattern will likely continue if he's given the opportunity. If she actually decides to follow it, the ultimatum is going to lead to her having to move on which is why she should cut the crap and just try to start moving on now. Clinging on to the hope that he's actually sitting somewhere making a legit decision between her and his wife is not healthy for her obsession. But it does give him the opportunity to concoct a new plan, maybe fake some divorce documents or borrow a friend's apartment for the weekend to make it seem like he's on his own now. If you're on a diet, why sit down at a table full of cake? That's the advice I would give a friend. I'm not with the whole concept of coddling delusions. That dwelling and fantasizing and waiting only make it more difficult to really let go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 A better ultimatum would have been no contact at all, until he gives you a response, not just no sex. The emotional side might be enough of a boost for him to keep you around. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 It certainly sounds like he's playing a game. Are you having fun yet? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 A few comments.... I gave him the ultimatum...me or her. And no sex while making decision. And I said I'm not gonna wait forever. This really doesn't say that much. Not waiting forever can mean I'll stick it out for another 10 years. That's not forever, but it's quite a while. he was considering a divorce but when he found out how long it takes Well the sooner he files, the better. Did he expect it to be a 5 minute job? Have you ever wondered how seriously he takes his marriage? and how much it cost He's not been married long and he's only 28. Lots of time to get through divorce and rebuild his life. Doesn't sound like they've had much time to build up a load of assets together. He wasn't even with her 3 years ago. Why the hell he married her!!! Have you considered its because he loved her? I mean he's married her at a youngish age. After knowing her for how long. What was the rush for him to get married. You met him 3 years ago. You've been having an affair with him for 6 months now and he's been married for how long? Sounds like things happened rather quickly, if he met her after you or was it a whirlwind romance? I'm a bit weary of the timelines here. I'm confused. But obviously, I love him, love him like crazy too, I just can't see myself with anyone else... I don't want anyone else. I feel like we're made for each other, is it even possible.. I can't let him go Then you'll still be the OW if he doesn't leave her. So the ultimatum was pointless. If he decides to stay married and you remain in your current OW role, your word will be worthless, because you've shown him ... it's on his terms and you'll start accepting even less crumbs. If you guys knew how much I love him, Jesus... I'm helpless. His wife will kill me, I'm sure. I'm a bad person So is he worth risking your life for then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjackie Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm sorry for causing so much negative emotions... It wasn't my intention at all. I'm a little surprised to be honest. Now to the point: Why am I being accused of creating this thread? There is one, simple question - "is he playing a game", yes or no. I didn't ask you for advices what I should do, if I should leave or stay... I didn't ask you about opinion of our relationship, I think some of you guys went a little too far. And what's worse, I've almost believed he is a bad guy and almost left him..... And it wasn't the case!! Of course, I've read everything you wrote and I've decided to be more cautious. Maybe our situation will be different, maybe he'll break the pattern. You guys assumed we're not gonna be together and happy because what, because that's what statistics shows? You can hate me, but did you think that I will actually do what you want me to do?? Did you think I'll move on just like that "ok, cool, bye" like nothing happened? I do understand that this is maybe a very difficult situation but it's definitely not unworkable. I'm glad I've created this thread because it has opened my eyes that I can't be stuck in the situation. I'm glad I have him the ultimatum and I'm going nc which is extremely difficult. I want him to make a decision and as I know him he'll do it very soon. I think it's fair, because he knows who he wanna be with. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 To answer your question: Yes he is playing a game. Remember he is only 28 and he didn't have to marry his wife so young. He is the one who chose her to be his wife and it's doubtful that he is going to just kick her to the curb because someone else wants him. There was/is a great amount of love between them that can't easily be extinquished. It's not surprising that you would not take the advice given here as the majority of OW don't. They come back when they see we were right. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Why don't you think you're worth more than being someone's dirty little secret? Why don't you like or respect yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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