What is gas lighting exactly?

[MissCongeniality]

I know it's when an abuser lies about past events and tries to put you down from what I've read about it at least. I was just wondering does gas lighting ever involve using the truth against you? What I mean is my dad (I try avoiding him as best I can but it's not easy) he will bring up things I've done and will use them against me.

 

The worst part is that there is no denying what he says because I did make my own choices and I accept that but at the same time I feel like he needs to be held accountable because well I got pregnant when I was a teen and ran away and did a lot of stupid things to survive. I never would have run away if I wasn't afraid of him or my step mother. He often says it was my choice to run away but again if I thought staying was a safe option I wouldn't have left.

 

I get I have done some bad things and have made some bad choices but with the role models I had was it really so surprising? I just am so tired of feeling like he's right about me. I am sick of feeling like I'm the problem. Is what he does gas lighting?

[MsJayne]

Gaslighting as a psychological term refers to when an abuser uses manipulation to undermine their victim, causing the victim to doubt their own memory and perception of events and circumstances. For example, the victim may make a statement about an event or occurrence that they witnessed in which the abuser comes off looking bad, but the abuser will deny that what the victim says is what actually happened, changing the story so that it appears the victim misinterpreted the situation. Victims of gaslighting will often be told that they imagine things, that they are paranoid, or that they are insecure. There is also often an element of bullying involved. A good example of a mild form of gaslighting is when a husband is cheating on his wife and the wife sees what she rightly believes is evidence of his cheating, (eg: she finds a smutty text from another woman on his 'phone), and confronts him about it, and he then says it's nothing and that she is insecure and reading too much into the text. The wife is left feeling guilty and silly that she overreacted, when in fact she has every right and reason to be annoyed and suspicious.

The term comes from a play called 'Gaslight'.

Using truth to harm someone, bringing up your past as a way of belittling you, or threatening to tell someone something about you, is just outright malicious. If the threat is being used to coerce you into doing something bad that you don't want to do, or stopping you from doing something good that you do want to do, then it's emotional blackmail.

Without knowing your family situation it's hard to comment on anything your dad is doing, he may be doing the wrong thing, or he may be trying to protect you from making bad decisions.

Edited October 19, 2016 by MsJayne

[MissCongeniality]

Gaslighting as a psychological term refers to when an abuser uses manipulation to undermine their victim, causing the victim to doubt their own memory and perception of events and circumstances. For example, the victim may make a statement about an event or occurrence that they witnessed in which the abuser comes off looking bad, but the abuser will deny that what the victim says is what actually happened, changing the story so that it appears the victim misinterpreted the situation. Victims of gaslighting will often be told that they imagine things, that they are paranoid, or that they are insecure. There is also often an element of bullying involved. A good example of a mild form of gaslighting is when a husband is cheating on his wife and the wife sees what she rightly believes is evidence of his cheating, (eg: she finds a smutty text from another woman on his 'phone), and confronts him about it, and he then says it's nothing and that she is insecure and reading too much into the text. The wife is left feeling guilty and silly that she overreacted, when in fact she has every right and reason to be annoyed and suspicious.

The term comes from a play called 'Gaslight'.

Using truth to harm someone, bringing up your past as a way of belittling you, or threatening to tell someone something about you, is just outright malicious. If the threat is being used to coerce you into doing something bad that you don't want to do, or stopping you from doing something good that you do want to do, then it's emotional blackmail.

Without knowing your family situation it's hard to comment on anything your dad is doing, he may be doing the wrong thing, or he may be trying to protect you from making bad decisions.

The way my dad is or was he will like give you a "choice" and it seems like it's a choice it really does but it's like a back handed compliment if that makes sense. A total no win situation.

 

My dad is very manipulative to put it mildly. It's like he's able to just get inside my head and twist everything around. He will always say "That was your choice remember?" and make me feel like everything that happened was my fault.

 

He also calls me ungrateful and says he didn't have to take me in (my birth mother just left me with him when I was little) but did and how I show him nothing but disrespect.

[Arieswoman]

MissC,

 

I was just wondering does gas lighting ever involve using the truth against you?

 

No.

 

Gaslighting involves distorting someone's perception by denying the reality of a situation.

 

I just am so tired of feeling like he's right about me.

 

Maybe he is right?

 

Maybe you did make some bad choices?

 

So what are you doing to learn how to make better choices, develop healthy boundaries and make a success of your life??

 

What are you doing to help around the house and pull your weight?

 

I feel like he needs to be held accountable because well I got pregnant when I was a teen

 

So you think it was your dad's fault you got pregnant? Gee whizz some really skewed thinking here.

 

My advice is to stop playing the victim card and to start taking some responsibility.

 

Good luck.

[MissCongeniality]

What I mean is I ran away because I didn't feel safe around him. That's why I'm blaming him for it I didn't mean to make it sound like I blamed him for the pregnancy believe me he had nothing to do with the pregnancy I was just typing to fast and didn't check before posting. I mean what was I supposed to do stay in a situation where I knew it was dangerous?

[Arieswoman]

MissC,

How was the situation dangerous? And has that changed?

 

People need more information before they can fully comment.

[MissCongeniality]

MissC,

How was the situation dangerous? And has that changed?

 

People need more information before they can fully comment.

He was sexually, physically, and verbally abusive. He molested me and my sisters, he would get drunk and smack me, my sisters, and brothers around sometimes my step mom and him would make a night out of it.

 

She was obsessively attached to my step brother(her son) and didn't like me or my sisters being near him. So to spite her I just kept hanging out with my step brother and I took things too far. My step brother went to prison after I ran away.

 

It's been years since I lived under his roof but I still run into him.

[planning4later]

I would say your father is being CRITICAL of you. This is different than gaslighting. But there's no doubt that a critical parent can also do damage.

[Tayla]

you are a victim and an abuser. Somewhere in that Milieu is the real you.

Break the cycle. Be accountable.

[Raena]

The way your father treats you is not gaslighting.

 

Why are you still in contact with him? You said you ran away in your teens which implies that you aren't still in your teens. That would lead me to believe that you are an adult. As an adult, you no longer have to suffer parental abuse. This includes verbal berating and malicious intent. If it bothers you that much, stay away from him. Cut him off and go live your life your way. The great thing about being an adult is the ability to make your own decisions.

 

What he did to you as a child is abhorrent. Yes, you made your own choices when you found out you were pregnant but it's not that uncommon for girls who have been abused sexually to act out in a sexual manner. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation.

 

However, you are old enough (I assume) to choose who you will allow to be a part of your life. Cut him off and move on. He can't hurt you now unless you let him.

[MissCongeniality]

The way your father treats you is not gaslighting.

 

Why are you still in contact with him? You said you ran away in your teens which implies that you aren't still in your teens. That would lead me to believe that you are an adult. As an adult, you no longer have to suffer parental abuse. This includes verbal berating and malicious intent. If it bothers you that much, stay away from him. Cut him off and go live your life your way. The great thing about being an adult is the ability to make your own decisions.

 

What he did to you as a child is abhorrent. Yes, you made your own choices when you found out you were pregnant but it's not that uncommon for girls who have been abused sexually to act out in a sexual manner. It's not an excuse, it's an explanation.

 

However, you are old enough (I assume) to choose who you will allow to be a part of your life. Cut him off and move on. He can't hurt you now unless you let him.

It's not that I haven't cut him out of my life it's that my brothers and sisters haven't not all of them at least. I still run into him if I'm visiting one of them. One time he came by my brother's as I was leaving.

[jen1447]

^ I assume it's during these times his criticism comes up? If there's any dialog w him at all (and there shouldn't be), I wouldn't let it be about you leaving but make it about how he abused you all. If he was actually a child sex molester, that'd be a borderline ass-kicking moment for me every time I saw him, or at least no more in passing than a constant F you. Forget discussing your teen pregnancy and all that.

[MissCongeniality]

^ I assume it's during these times his criticism comes up? If there's any dialog w him at all (and there shouldn't be), I wouldn't let it be about you leaving but make it about how he abused you all. If he was actually a child sex molester, that'd be a borderline ass-kicking moment for me every time I saw him, or at least no more in passing than a constant F you. Forget discussing your teen pregnancy and all that.

I'm not brave enough to say that to him. I tried once he responded by putting his hands around my throat and saying "You ungrateful little b**** after everything I've done for you!" That's his go to response. When I was little my own mother abandoned me and left me with him.

 

He always brings that up if I get mouthy about what he's done to me and my siblings. He also brings up how I was violent with my little sister growing up.

[jen1447]

^ Does your hubs have the gusto to put him in check?

[GemmaUK]

No. He didn't gaslight you.

 

You might be hurt over his treatment of you and he was abusive but your own mistakes are your own and are not down to him - you had/have a choice.

 

Don't blame others for your own mistakes - take your own responsibility for those.

 

ETA: You also have the choice 100% on your own whether to get mouthy.

[MissCongeniality]

^ Does your hubs have the gusto to put him in check?

I honestly try to keep out of my family's problems I worry what he'd do if he found out everything I love my husband and don't want him to do something he'd regret. That's why I try keeping him in the dark where my dad is concerned.

[jen1447]

I honestly try to keep out of my family's problems I worry what he'd do if he found out everything I love my husband and don't want him to do something he'd regret. That's why I try keeping him in the dark where my dad is concerned.

 

Ok. Well you know you still don't have to tolerate your dad's actions, past and present, right? He's not at liberty to choke you. Depending on how much of a throttle that really is it might be assault in itself, so if he ever does it again you should call the police and make a complaint against him. (Almost any unwelcome physical contact can be construed as assault or battery, and so can just yelling at or berating someone in some cases.)

 

Personally I'd get in his face anyway if he engages you, let come what may. Not many ppl will say you were in the wrong for calling him out on being a past child sexual offender.