Gishers Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I am in need of help or an opinion rather. My husband wants to get a divorce. We are currently living separately, but talk frequently. We decided that we would try to date again to see whether we can rekindle our marriage, but we cannot see eye to eye on the conditions of this. He wants to go ahead and file for the divorce, then revisit dating. I, however, don't see the need to file for the divorce. I believe that we can try dating and working on rekindling our marriage without going to the extremes of actually filing. If we cannot re spark our marriage after this, then I would feel more comfortable discussing a divorce. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? What is the healthier way of handling this? Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) Hi Gishers, sorry to read of your predicament. Guess you will have to give some more information about your situation, that is, how long married, how many kids, what were the problems that caused you both to go for separation, how long have you been separated and was there any infidelity involved. Only a composite view of your situation will help the good folk here to give you meaningful advice. In the meantime my own view of how things stand are that your husband has probably completely checked out of the marriage. By wanting to initiate the divorce proceedings he is signalling you that he is not really interested in reconciliation and would like to be free to start his life afresh. I do not know what your feelings are but if you are still wanting to give your marriage a try I think you are going to be disappointed because one person alone cannot make a difference here if the other is not interested. Have you two attended MC and IC to resolve your issues and to recognize and rectify the problems that caused your split? If not then I would think that is the best place to start. Even if you divorce IC will arm you with the resources to be a better person the next time you find yourself in a long term relationship. Just some thoughts. By the way how old ate you and your husband and is this the first marriage/ long term relationship for both of you? Warm wishes. Edited October 19, 2016 by Just a Guy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Why does he want to divorce ? What are the reasons ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I suspect he wants to divorce first and then date because he wants to be able to have sex with other women and with you also. I don't think he wants to rekindle your marriage unfortunately. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 He's trying to be what we call around here a cake eater. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lovingladyo4 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 First of all, I am sad to hear that you are so perplexed on what decision to make. Just the fact that you are struggling and he is not tells me where your heart is. Sounds to me like he is protecting himself more than he is protecting you, and wants the best of both worlds; to appease you and satisfy himself. And I won't go into any more detail than that. He is obviously wanting to dodge his commitment to you, you know, the one he made to you on your wedding day. Commitment to a spouse requires a life of selfless giving, and while you are willing to restore what got lost, he is bent on going off on his own without any trace sign of commitment attached to his life. You ask the healthy way to proceed? Exactly as you are friend. The only success stories are the ones where a couple chooses to do things God's way. He ordained marriage so it comes as no surprise to Him when one party cannot remain faithful to their vows, because it costs them too much. Love is an act of the will, and many people don't want to be bothered with that. I commend you for holding on because that is what God wants for you. He uses unconditional love and forgiveness as ingredients for a successful marriage, because it forces us to think of our spouse in the same way we want our spouse to think of us. It's so simple yet so challenging to those who refuse to embrace God's plan for marriage. I hope and pray you will hold fast to your convictions, and anything your husband does will be of his own choosing and not yours. Pray about this too. Ask God to draw you close to Him so you can feel the security of having Someone on your side as you navigate your way through these feelings. I will be praying for you and trusting God for your future. Blessings to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 It sounds as though he's done with the marriage, but he wants to keep you sweet during the divorce process. Dangling the carrot of possible reconciliation in front of your nose to make sure you act in a way he wants, to control you, to get what he wants out of the divorce (whether that's money, kids access, etc I don't know). And as pointed out above, possibly to date others at the same time. I would tell him NO, a marriage is not a revolving door, he's either in or out, none of this halfway in between rubbish. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
HawkeyeDave Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 I am in need of help or an opinion rather. My husband wants to get a divorce. We are currently living separately, but talk frequently. We decided that we would try to date again to see whether we can rekindle our marriage, but we cannot see eye to eye on the conditions of this. He wants to go ahead and file for the divorce, then revisit dating. I, however, don't see the need to file for the divorce. I believe that we can try dating and working on rekindling our marriage without going to the extremes of actually filing. If we cannot re spark our marriage after this, then I would feel more comfortable discussing a divorce. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way? What is the healthier way of handling this? I am no expert. If you want my opinion, here it is: Go ahead and get the divorce. If you two can work out things after the fact, there is no law that says you can't re-marry. If things don't work out, at least you'll have comfort in the fact that you didn't string things out longer than necessary. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I wouldn't waste my time dating him. Get the divorce and find someone better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Yeah, more information is needed. If you are separated and talking of divorce because you squeeze the end of the toothpaste tube and he squeezes the middle, that is one thing. But if it is because you are screwing the whole neighborhood while he is at work, that is something altogether different. Not all marriages should be saved and not all divorces should occur. The devil is in the details and dependent on the players involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 What is the healthier way of handling this? Do you have kids? How long married? Any other people involved on either side? Probably not a good sign for your marriage if you can't even agree on how to pause the divorce proceedings ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I’m sorry about your situation. Have you and your husband considered marriage counseling? I wish you both the best. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 He doesn't want to rekindle .... he wants to be free to see other women..... without being a cheater. If he insists on divorce, then I'd be clear that dating you is not an option. People who want their marriage to work don't push for divorce like he is. If care isn't taken you'll find him dating and he'll hit you up for sex now and then like a booty call. When you try and ask about remarrying, he'll say he's not quite ready. If he wants a divorce .... then go full steam ahead and get a lawyer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 How long have you been separated? How long does a divorce take to complete where you live? If there is a lengthy period before you can file, or a long wait once you do, he may not want to drag things out that long given that it's likely dating each other won't really change anything. If divorce is quick where you live, then there isn't a good reason to file now. If there is a long wait, then filing now is pragmatic - and can always be withdrawn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 If a person who posts on a forum like this one and is then asked to clarify some details and who then fails to respond, makes me doubt his/her bonafides. I asked a few simple questions the answers to which would shed light on the OP's situation. However, the OP in her wisdom has chosen to ignore the request and so I do not think she was serious when she posted in the first place. Anyone who felt the need to post here would be keen to get responses which help them in one way or another and if clarifications are asked for, would happily oblige so that useful advice would flow their way. By ignoring such a request, I think the person concerned is signalling that they don't really value the advice being offered and couldn't care less about such advice. So I guess all of us here ate wasting our time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gishers Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 I have not wasted your time. In fact, I have taken everyone's advice/input and sat on it for a few days to figure out what it is I need to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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