How much more?

[MantisMan]

During April of this year, my fiance was going through a relative tough time at her work.

 

As background, we live together with her two teens, and share expenses.

 

The negativity at her job continued for a while, and one morning she phoned my and told that she's had enough of the environment and that she was going to see her direct report, and possibly, resign on the spot.

 

I kept a cool head and told her to go see him, but by all means, not to resign.

 

So, the day passed and later on I got a text from her. It read: "It is done".

 

I phoned her, and, she told me she resigned with immdeiate effect.

 

Although I didnt agree with her decision at all, I didnt want to make it worse by arguing with her, but, I did feel a little disrespected in the fact that she's made such a detrimental impulsive decision, considering also, we've got her two kids and the household to see to as well, for which, we require two incomes.

 

So, this was in April.

 

Soon after we discussed the possibility of getting a small business off the ground. We're both entering mid-life and would like to really give it a shot. I would remain at my employer while we get going, until it is safe to step away.

 

Sadly, our major investor, after a long string-along, went AWOL. We decided to proceed, regardless.

 

Long story short, we're still fighting to get our business off the ground, and she is still not contributing to the house and her kids financially yet. It's been 7 months.

 

At the end of last month we could not pay the rent. Well, it was either pay the rent, or put food on the table. Luckily we're still in the house and they are understanding of our situation, but, that wont last for long.

 

Aside from that, she's been getting more and more arrogant and condescending towards me, and my inputs into our yet-to-kick-off business. If I give advice, or come up with ideas, she shoots it down. What's really grating me is that, as soon as someone else shows the same thinking as me, she hangs on every word they say.

 

A while ago she was busy sorting out some documentation, and required my inputs. I needed 10 minutes to provide her with what she needed. She exploded, dressing me down saying she is sick of always having to wait for me. I was dumbstruck. I start my job at 8:00 till 17:00, after which I start my 1 hour commute home, pick up her son from wherever he is at, stop at the grocer to buy stuff for dinner (cos she has no money), get home, prepare the dinner (cos for some reason she cant), and maybe, at 20:00, I can sit down. A pretty nasty argument ensued, during which I told her if this was how she foresaw things going going forward with the business, I wasnt interested. She did later apologise.

 

So, fast forward a week or two. She is currently busy scoping a project for a prospective client. She phoned me a little bit ago asking me if I could assist her with obtaining permits for this project. I told her I will gladly do it, as soon as I have a gap, but that it'll most probably only be tonight when I get home, as I am at work and cannot deal with her request now. Again, she condescendingly tells me, "I'll do it"...and then..."You know, I cant do EVERYTHING myself". Does she not understand that I am currently at work?!

 

Anyway, things have become really taxing. I'm really getting fed up with having to figure out where the finances are going to come from to see us through, which I seriously dont see as fair, as I am essentially looking after all of us, after she impulsively resigned, and basically dropped the household's financial burden on me.

 

Aside from that, her attitude towards me and our little joint venture we are attempting, is alarming.

 

The last while I have really started thinking of packing it in.

[Whoknew30]

This is the problem with combining finances before marriage...if I were you, I'd cut my losses now. If you don't trust her & she's pulling this now, think of how she'll be if you marry her. Good luck

[smackie9]

We all know money is the main contributor to divorce or separation of a relationship.

 

So this is what you do....stop with trying to get this business off the ground....it's over and not worth putting yourself out on the street for...CUT YOUR LOSSES. Next her and her teenagers need to find employment NOW. The kids can find ways to make extra cash buy raking leaves or washing cars or have a garage sale...sell off some of their stuff. As for her, she needs to find full time employment NOW.

 

If she doesn't comply, pack your bags and leave. You are not obligated to support her or her kids.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

First step IMO is express everything you have here to her. Tell her you are at the end of your rope and lay down all the reasons you just stated why. Make the threat of leaving very clear to her, but you better be capable of going through with it. I have a feeling this is her feeling inferior to you and your ability to provide and wants to prove she is capable of all that as well. That is why she doesn't listen to your advice but will take the same advice from someone else. This is also why she will snap at you for anything you can't take care of right away. It makes her feel for a second that she is a little bit on your level in terms of providing for her family and you.

 

Inferiority complex: "an unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or supposed inferiority in one sphere, sometimes marked by aggressive behavior in compensation."

[EveryWomanJ2911]

This sounds like several situations that are piling on, and getting gradually worse as the initial issue has not been properly addressed. I can understand that you wanted to support your fiancé and be there for her by not pointing out her mistake, and making her feel bad for doing something unwise at the time. I also understand that she needs to hear the truth of the situation if you two are to ever move forward with your marriage.

 

In marriage you are to be a team and work together, not allowing important issues to be glossed over or ignored. Ignoring the issue only builds resentment as one person thinks things are fine, while the other person stews and eventually explodes. I know it can be difficult to be honest about financial issues as they are touchy in general, but for the health of your relationship its important to address these problems as they come up. Preferably when you both are fairly calm and have had a chance to process the event itself.

 

Chances are that she knows she made a bad decision and will be relieved when you share the truth. Just do so in love and when you two are in a good mood if possible. Maybe go for coffee at a favorite place, or take a walk in a park on a sunny day. Hopefully she will want to move forward with you as a team when she sees how much you have tried to approach her in a loving and caring way. You haven't left her as a first instinct, but have only considered it after a time of adjustment that never got better in its current chosen direction. The reality is that you need two incomes, and the teens need to start contributing to become mature adults anyway, before they become adults and go to college, the military, or go to work full time. I do hope you both can move forward in a positive way. Things can still work out.

 

Blessings and Prayers to you Friend!

[Cephalopod]

DO NOT marry this woman.

[sandylee1]

Don't marry her and run for the hills. Get out before you get marriedand divorced and end up financially crippled.

 

Unless I was being severely bullied or sexually harassed, I would not give up my job with children to support. .. and depend on a man to feed them who isn't their father.

 

Does their father not pay child support?

 

 

The minute she resigned was the big red flag that she'll do what she wants and your opinion isn't important to her.

 

Who resigns with immediate effect like that. Totally irresponsible. I'd be wondering if there was more to it, but thats not the issue.

 

I guarantee I wouldn't marry a man who did that.

 

You'd think she'd be grateful to you for putting up with her resignation, instead of being condescending to you.

 

As for the way she speaks to you with no respect .... it will only get worse. You can do better. Good men are a rare commodity these days.

 

Let her see who will take her and 2 teenagers on once you're done.

 

Tell her it's not working and your done.