Happily married at 29 and sex drive is declining steadily. :(

[samantha_t85]

Hi everyone. This is a hard topic for me to talk about. I was not sure whether to post this in the Marriage forum or the Sex forum; I opted for this one, but if it's in the wrong place I hope the moderator will feel free to move it.

 

I'm a bit embarrassed, to be honest. Before diving into the issue at hand, I'll give a little background.

 

I'm 29, H is 36. We've been married for 2 years, together for almost 6. Our marriage is honestly wonderful. My husband is supportive, caring, and affectionate. He even does those little things that tend to go by the wayside after a while - random small gifts "just because," always taking care of me when I'm feeling sick or blue, always doing his part in cleaning up and never, ever dragging his feet when I ask him for a favor. We have lots of mutual interests that we pursue together - we're on a couples' golf league and a couples' bowling league. We have the same taste in music, so we frequently attend small local concerts and festivals together. We love to travel. We even have a great time just hanging out at home, grilling/cooking and listening to music, or watching TV.

 

I also feel it should be mentioned that I am extremely attracted to my husband. He is the most attractive (in my opinion) man I have ever been with and despite the stereotype he has never "let himself go" after our relationship became settled (neither have I, in case it's applicable here). He works out regularly and is in great shape. He is very handsome to me and I honestly could not ask for anything more in the looks department.

 

So...I feel like the problem can only be with me. Over the past year, I've felt a steep decline in my sexual desire. We used to have sex 3-4 times per week (and even then I might masturbate in addition to that), and while that might not be many people's idea of f***ing like rabbits, it was perfect for us and we both felt content and satisfied.

 

In the past year it has dwindled to 3-4 times a month. Most of the time, I just have no desire. I am lucky enough to not work a particularly strenuous schedule - thankfully, my husband's successful career has allowed me to work only part time - although I do fill in the gaps with volunteer work (I foster and rehabilitate rescue animals) and home projects (cooking and gardening are hobbies of mine). I've struggled with mild to moderate general anxiety all my life, but any medication I've taken for anxiety has made my sex drive nosedive, so I stay away from prescription remedies and try to engage in cognitive therapy. The only prescription I'm on is birth control, and it's the same prescription I've been on since I was 21.

 

So all this is to say, what's wrong with me? I'm a healthy, active, happy 29-year-old with a wonderful husband and no horribly pressing daily stresses. We have opted to remain child-free (I have never had a desire to have children and my husband feels the same way) so it's not a matter of little ones getting in the way or post-pregnancy hormonal shifts.

 

I'm terrified of us becoming that couple that never has sex. I'm terrified of my husband thinking that I'm not attracted to him or that I don't desire him. It hasn't come to me shutting him down on a regular basis - it almost seems like I put off "vibes" so he's just stopped initiating for the most part and waits for me to come to him. I appreciate that he doesn't pressure me, but I wonder if he's suppressing his urges, which would be awful.

 

The only redeeming factor is that when we do have sex, it's extremely fulfilling sex. We are both very engaged - no quickies, no boring routine - it's always connected, enthusiastic sex and I always climax (as does my husband). We both enjoy foreplay and we both indulge each other every time we're intimate.

 

This is just so unsettling, because it has never been me. Up until the last year or so, I have had what I would consider a higher than average sex drive. I have heard from many women that their sex drive peaked in their 30's. Here I am a year away from 30 and mine just seems to be diminishing.

 

I would love any input from anyone who has been through a similar experience. Anything that you found to help. I'm planning on having a conversation with my husband about it tonight, but I'm nervous and I'm not really sure how to work on this. I want him to know that I'm aware of it and that I want to fix it; I'm just not sure how. Any insight helps. Thank you in advance.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm planning on having a conversation with my husband about it tonight

 

He hasn't already approached you about this ???

 

Most spouses, seeing a fairly sudden decline from 3-4x week to 3-4x month, would bring this up in a more proactive way than his reluctance to initiate.

 

it almost seems like I put off "vibes" so he's just stopped initiating for the most part and waits for me to come to him.

 

Healthy relationships don't depend on "vibes", they use honest communication. Glad you're discussing this, seems overdue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SJS]

See your OB/GYN and talk about switching birth control, either pills or methods. Even though you've been on them for ages with no problems, your hormones could be changing just with age so it could be time for a new one.

 

You could also try masturbating more often. I know for myself, "use it or lose it" applies in this case.

[oldshirt]

Have you ever had a stable, LTR before??

 

It is quite common if not actually universal that the limerance at the beginng of a relationship will calm down into a less passionate and all-consuming thing. The hot flames and fires of initial passion will inevitably cool to one degree or another.

 

And several times a month of engaged, satisfying sex is not to be considered a sexless marriage.

 

What you are describing sounds to me like normal settling in to a stable, long term relationship.

 

That doesn't mean that it should be ignored or blown off. My suggestion is the standard advice that mothers and grandmothers would give to their daughters after a few years of marriage - take a little more initiative to spice things up. Go out on dates, take trips, be flirty and seductive even if you don't feel all that sexy at that exact moment.

 

Also don't be afraid to try some new things such as trying some light bondage, check out some XXX movies, role play etc etc.

 

What you are describing at this point sounds a normal part of marriage and not necessarily a form or dysfunction or a defect in anything.

[samantha_t85]

Have you ever had a stable, LTR before??

 

It is quite common if not actually universal that the limerance at the beginng of a relationship will calm down into a less passionate and all-consuming thing. The hot flames and fires of initial passion will inevitably cool to one degree or another.

 

And several times a month of engaged, satisfying sex is not to be considered a sexless marriage.

 

What you are describing sounds to me like normal settling in to a stable, long term relationship.

 

That doesn't mean that it should be ignored or blown off. My suggestion is the standard advice that mothers and grandmothers would give to their daughters after a few years of marriage - take a little more initiative to spice things up. Go out on dates, take trips, be flirty and seductive even if you don't feel all that sexy at that exact moment.

 

Also don't be afraid to try some new things such as trying some light bondage, check out some XXX movies, role play etc etc.

 

What you are describing at this point sounds a normal part of marriage and not necessarily a form or dysfunction or a defect in anything.

 

Thanks, oldshirt. This is part of what I was wondering. Obviously we had the "honeymoon phase" when we first started dating, where we had sex every single time we saw each other. I'm not naive enough to think that lasts! But this relatively sharp decline over the past year has bothered me. I guess, I want to *want* to be more sexual. I have an attractive, caring husband who is wonderful to me in bed and I feel like I'm squandering it!

 

To answer your question - yes, I've been in long term relationships before. My last one lasted about 3.5 years. Sex did fall off towards the end, but that was because of a lot of problems in the relationship - cohabitation was not going well, my then-partner put on quite a lot of weight, among other things.

 

So I suppose I have never been in a relationship where things were generally great but the sex fell off anyways (other than that obvious dip after the first year or so). It's always been related to a decline in the general health of the relationship - which is perhaps what has me frightened.

 

You've made me feel more normal, though, and for that, I can't thank you enough.

[Lion Heart]

My tips:

* DO talk to your H about this. He could be puzzled and just ED for men, or similar lol, if he can understand your FEELINGS about this, you can go through this together.

Your new normal may just be this rate.

* from what I've learnt, many women go through a drop in sex drive around 38y due to hormonal changes. IDK I'm 51 and nothing changed throughout pregnancy, after birth or during long term breastfeeding nor now EXCEPT when I wasn't in love. Then I didn't want sex.

* see your GP to check your hormone levels. I knew 2 women who went through menopause at 28yo. Their sex drive plummeted.

* balance your time given out to other interests with those as a couple. If he's beginning to bore you, it could be time you guys reignited a shared passion or planned a lovely trip away together. Break the routine up a bit.

* sometimes we lose our SENSUALITY ie the feeling of BEING sexy. Your sensual side may need reawakening. Some people like having professional massages but I love wearing sexy underwear to work even or other stuff. Like never wearing sloppy clothing around the house 24/7.

* having other married couples as friends works nicely IME too.

* Getting dressed up. Getting a new hairdo.

 

Lion Heart

[Gaeta]

Your first stop is at your doctor's office. There is a series of physical conditions that need to be eliminated.

 

* Birth control may not suit you anymore. You are not 21 anymore and it may not be good for you any longer.

 

* You may have hormones fluctuating on you for various reasons.

 

* Your testosterone may be too low, yes women do have testosterone. From 25 years old women's testosterone start declining till menopause.

[samantha_t85]

* Birth control may not suit you anymore. You are not 21 anymore and it may not be good for you any longer.

 

I can't imagine enjoying sex without being on birth control. I'm mortally terrified of becoming pregnant.

[Gaeta]

I can't imagine enjoying sex without being on birth control. I'm mortally terrified of becoming pregnant.

 

I never suggested you'd be off birth control pills. There are 10s and 10s different types of birth control with different levels of estrogen and progesterone. He could give you the mini-pill which is composed of only progesterone and no estrogen. He could also offer you a Mirena IUD, which is the best invention since sliced bread.

 

Talk to your doctor.

[Cephalopod]

I can't imagine enjoying sex without being on birth control. I'm mortally terrified of becoming pregnant.

 

Do you and your husband want kids one day? If not, see if he will go and get snipped. I had it done. No sweat.

[Mumbles]

I wouldn't worry about problems that aren't really problems. I've read the thread and don't see any mention from you about your husband raising this as an issue ... so maybe its not an issue for him?

 

Most men will let their wives know, in no uncertain terms, if they are feeling frisky. If he's not doing that then you may actually be blessed with broadly parallel sex drives - its a good thing.

 

You've been together, presumably sexually active, for 8 years. Its a long time. Once a week/4 times a month, I think sounds about right, seems to me to be right in the middle of the average of these things.

 

"Love language" is what its all about. You saying you'd like to be more sexually active sounds like you're a touch person. This, combined with the reduction in actual physical sexual acts might be leaving you feeling a bit 'wanting' without actually desiring sex. I'm like this. I love constant touches and physicality without it necessarily leading to the bedroom.

[Thegameoflife]

OP, how is that you portray your life and marriage as being so perfect, but you never mention that you love your husband, or feel loved? Most of your story doesn't make sense.

 

I know you tried to downplay it, and even suggest you're healthy, but you're not healthy if you have a generalised anxiety disorder, especially an untreated one. It sounds like you've built up a lot of your life to create a really positive image of yourself and your marriage, which would quell a lot of your anxiety, especially when it comes to judgement from others. I'm guessing the reason you're terrified, is that you think that less sex might destabilise the marriage, thus destabilising you.

 

Did you stop taking meds and going to therapy before you met your husband?

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you two share fantasies together? Do you change it up in terms of position, location, and so on? Do you know your own deepest desires, and do you know his? Vice versa?

[BluesPower]

I think you have gotten some great advice and trying other birth control and seeing the doc are at the top of the list...

 

But this a substantial drop in desire, and I don't think you should settle for it. I mean 3 to 4 times a week in ok for a lot of people, not me but a lot. I just don't know about 3 to 4 times a month though at your age. And you defiantly need to talk to H, because he may be a little worried about that type of drop off.

 

When my wife and I were your age, we were still going at it at least 2 times a day. Even with 3 kids.

 

And why don't you want to have kids? Just curious.

[GunslingerRoland]

You know you're going to enjoy the sex when you have it, so even if you aren't in the mood, sometimes you need to just go for it. It would be a lot tougher problem to solve, if you weren't enjoying it when you have it. Make it your goal to initiate at least a couple of times a week even if you aren't craving it, and who knows getting back in the habit might even bring the desire back.

[MJJean]

Have you thought about a totally non-hormonal copper IUD? If it is a hormonal shift causing the issue, you might want to stay away from hormone based birth control altogether.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Samantha, I guess you have been given a wealth of information on your so called problem especially by Oldshirt and Gaeta as also others. I think some of your problem may be due to the fact that you are over thinking it. You mentioned having unresolved anxiety problems and this could be a desire killer. You should check with your doc as to what could the possible reasons be and then go in for consultations with specialists such as a gynaecologist and others suggested by your doctor.

 

Both the male hormone testosterone and the female hormone estrogen play a part in heightened desire in women. As such low levels of either are likely to affect your sex drive and this should be investigated by these specialists. Also, you should have your anxiety problem checked out as that is likely to act as a depressant for sex. Some people have suggested donning srxy lingerie and also for you to dress smartly to add to your self confidence as a woman and to make you feel more sexy and desirable. You have'nt mentioned here whether you feel attractive and sexy about yourself. Maybe you should try dressing a little more daringly in public when you are out with your husband( after discussing this with him). This may draw appreciative attention from other men which would make you feel more desirable. If this is done without actually giving other men a 'come hither' look so that they font get the wrong idea, you may find it to be a big boost to your confidence level as a desirable woman. No harm in trying it as long as you keep your husband in the loop. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.