Fertility Issues among others

[4givrnt4gtr]

So my husband and I have both really wanted kids but we recently found out that we have fertility problems. Actually we found out he has fertility problems which explain our in ability to conceive the past year.

 

Now that has brought all kinds of issues. First, whenever another month goes by and nothing happens I feel terrible but have tried to not say anything to not hurt his feelings. When we first found out he was very calmed like it wasnt a big deal so i thought that perhaps it wasnt. Then a couple of days ago i looked at the numbers and they were pretty bad so I immeditely went on research mode. Looks like our best bet is fertility treatment (which my insurance doesnt cover) so Im pretty upset about all this. Meanwhile, he is acting like this is just my problem, that he is just here to console me but he seems completely unaffected.

 

So then I think ok Im not going to stop my life for this so I start talking about plans and goals Ive been thinking about for awhile. His response? Not until we have a baby. So here I am caught in a bad place. Who knows when or if we will have a baby and in the meantime what? I got super upset at this yesterday and just had a meltdown telling him how sad, scared and upset Ive been. Specially because I have noone to talk to about it since my family doesnt necessarily like kids and thinks of them as a burden so they dont understand.

 

Anyway, after my melt down he looks upset and tells me he is mad i am this upset about the whole thing. WTF

 

So...we are not in a good place. We talked some more yesterday and I thought we were ok after he said he agreed we couldnt stop living because of this but today he looked mad again and told me he was drained and that I needed friends that could provide emotional support. Again...

WTF?! Like this is just my issue and Im burdening him with my nonesense?!?

 

Im feeling pretty shut down right now, im feeling alone in this and completely misunderstood. Im not sure how to proceed. Should I not discuss my feelings and fears with him anymore? (which is what im tempted to do) . I feel like Im beating a dead horse trying to explain why Im upset and I feel tied up because when i try to distract myself with something else Im told not until after the baby.

 

Sorry so long, like i said i got noone to talk to and im pretty sad about all this

[Ursa]

He is probably struggling with this too, but he is being very unfair to you, refusing to talk about it while simultaneously expecting you to put your life on hold, and not actively pursuing treatments. Something's got to give.

 

Fertility issues are very trying on a marriage and they are hard for people who haven't been through them to understand...and if they are a direct result of a biological problem, the person who has the biological issue often feels responsible and guilty and starts deflecting and has a lot of trouble talking about it. Does your insurance cover marriage counseling? Even if it doesn't, sometimes just two or three sessions can help if it's a single issue--just break the ice, and give you two some tools to talk to each other about this. Might be worth paying out of pocket for, as an investment in the health of your marriage. Bring it up to him in a non-accusatory way, when you are not angry.

 

Good luck.

[Thegameoflife]

So my husband and I have both really wanted kids but we recently found out that we have fertility problems. Actually we found out he has fertility problems which explain our in ability to conceive the past year.

 

Now that has brought all kinds of issues. First, whenever another month goes by and nothing happens I feel terrible but have tried to not say anything to not hurt his feelings. When we first found out he was very calmed like it wasnt a big deal so i thought that perhaps it wasnt. Then a couple of days ago i looked at the numbers and they were pretty bad so I immeditely went on research mode. Looks like our best bet is fertility treatment (which my insurance doesnt cover) so Im pretty upset about all this. Meanwhile, he is acting like this is just my problem, that he is just here to console me but he seems completely unaffected.

 

So then I think ok Im not going to stop my life for this so I start talking about plans and goals Ive been thinking about for awhile. His response? Not until we have a baby. So here I am caught in a bad place. Who knows when or if we will have a baby and in the meantime what? I got super upset at this yesterday and just had a meltdown telling him how sad, scared and upset Ive been. Specially because I have noone to talk to about it since my family doesnt necessarily like kids and thinks of them as a burden so they dont understand.

 

Anyway, after my melt down he looks upset and tells me he is mad i am this upset about the whole thing. WTF

 

So...we are not in a good place. We talked some more yesterday and I thought we were ok after he said he agreed we couldnt stop living because of this but today he looked mad again and told me he was drained and that I needed friends that could provide emotional support. Again...

WTF?! Like this is just my issue and Im burdening him with my nonesense?!?

 

Im feeling pretty shut down right now, im feeling alone in this and completely misunderstood. Im not sure how to proceed. Should I not discuss my feelings and fears with him anymore? (which is what im tempted to do) . I feel like Im beating a dead horse trying to explain why Im upset and I feel tied up because when i try to distract myself with something else Im told not until after the baby.

 

Sorry so long, like i said i got noone to talk to and im pretty sad about all this

 

You know, one thing that people can do that isn't very hard, and makes a huge difference, is be supportive. The only time it's not easy, is if it's in conflict of a psychological block. What I mean by this, is his low sperm count, motility, or quality, is a huge hit to his ego. He's protecting himself through denial. Every time you confront him or bring up the subject, he loses the security of denial. You're making him face his problems, and he can't deal with it. It's not that he can't handle your problems, it's that he can't handle his. Honestly, until he accepts his infertility, you're not going to be able to bring up any topic that requires that he's accepted his infertility first.

 

If I was you, just keep moving forward. If one day he says, I thought I told you that I didn't want you to do this until you had a baby, just turn it around, and tell him that you're doing whatever you want until you get pregnant. I'm sure your plans are to go to school I'm guessing, which you could totally stop half way through a degree, or go to school part-time if you have a baby. Just be prepared with rational responses. Even if the response would mean working yourself ragged to take care of a baby, and get a degree, you only have to convince him you'd do it, since we both know you won't need to. If he's really a jerk, won't deal with his problems, and wants to hold you hostage to a pregnancy that isn't happening, then maybe start planning your exit strategy.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thanks for your post.

 

I agree that I think he is having problems with this situaiton...or at least now he is. I agree that he was trying the denial route, as when I told him what are our actual chances of pregnancy without fertility treatment he got real serious and thats when all this started.

 

I finally brought it up yesterday in a calm way. I told him that it had hurt my feelings when he said I needed friends for emotional support because it made me feel like he was seeing this as MY issue as opposed to OUR issue.

 

He said that thats not what he meant but he felt that I am letting this get to me too much and that he ends up bearing the brunt of it because (on top of it) we just moved to a new area and dont have any friends or relatives nearby. I countered that even if I had all the friends in the world, I wouldn't be talking to them about this, and to be fair, I wasn't talking to him about it just to be upset and cry, I talked to him about it when he made me mad that yet another of the things I want to do needs to be put on hold until I can get pregnant.

 

And the thing is, to answer your question Thegame, what I want to do is not earth shattering or is going to create an upheaval. I am all done with school, we are settled financially, and we have a nice house...all I want is a puppy to focus on while this whole thing goes on (and because I promised myself I would get one as a graduation present when I completed my doctorate since I've always wanted one)..and he said no to that (until I get pregnant, which is a horrendous idea).

 

THe other thing I talked about was fixing up our bathroom as we barely fit in our shower...again...not until after the baby...Why on earth would any of those two things affect us having a kid...beyond me and quite infuriating.

 

I clarified that my point was that, if this was something I brought upon myself or something that was my doing, like being stressed at work or mad at a friend or something and all I do is whine about it...yes, I can see him saying "ok enough go talk to someone else about it". But this is OUR baby, OUR infertility issues, not just mine and we need to support each other through it.

 

Well..that resulted in him getting sad and not talking to me through most of the night. He said that it made him sad to think he hurt my feelings and feels guilty and bad about himself. He said he feels misunderstood and that he needs help supporting me through this, that he can't do it alone.

 

So, I gave in, said that perhaps he is right, I may be leaning on him too much for support, and felt terrible and thought that maybe I am a crazy dramatic person and need to just shut up and deal with it....

 

Until I thought about it today and thought about how many times I've been upset about this since we found out...or at least let him know about it...all in all a total of two times. TWO TIMES!!! and thats too much?!?!

 

WTF

 

Now granted, I HAVE been upset about other things in the past, like being stressed out from work or school or being anxious or something....and yes he has been there for me then, no questions asked so maybe he means, over all, I am just too much for him?

 

Since we've been here he keeps talking about how we need friends, even when we went camping the two of us, he talked about how we need friends so we can camp with them. Its to the extend that he sounds desperate for other people. I dont know, Im filled with self doubt and feeling kinda lonely and like he is getting tired of me . I am thinking about creating a bit of space between us. Maybe spending some time on my own instead of rushing home after work. Maybe we are getting sick of each other

 

Sorry this is all over the place.