My boyfriend started seeing another woman because I'm "emotionally unavailable"

[Beautiful Kisses]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 years now and we have 2 children together.

 

Well things has not been all that great between us for the past few months as far as chemistry wise, Neither one of us can really figure out why. Its a distance between us in the house, we're never really on the same pg when it comes to parenting and discipline we dont go out on dates, and we rarely sleep together in the same bed.

 

So basically I found out he started seeing a female co-worker on the side (no sex involved) but they we're talking on the phone and meeting up having lunch etc and he told her she can ask him for anything and he'll be there.

 

Well yesterday I found out because she sent him a msg asking for a money favor. We ended up getting into a HUGE fight, I left for the night and went to my mom with the kids and now he's begging for me not to leave him. I dont want to break my family up, but this is not the first woman I caught him talking to on the side that just so happens to work at his job.

 

I asked him why he does it and he said it's because we started falling out of love and he needed someone to talk to about his feelings. I'm a firm believer in just leaving or working it out if you're not happy not see someone else. I would never hurt someone I love like that, especially not him. I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I'm ready to breakup with him. Any advice?

Edited October 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and typos ~6

[mikeylo]

Why aren't you married after 8 years and 2 kids together ? Show him the door. Get child support and if you have been cohabiting, then look into your laws and get alimony for yourself.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 years now and we have 2 children together.

 

Well things has not been all that great between us for the past few months as far as chemistry wise, Neither one of us can really figure out why. Its a distance between us in the house, we're never really on the same pg when it comes to parenting and discipline we dont go out on dates, and we rarely sleep together in the same bed.

 

So basically I found out he started seeing a female co-worker on the side (no sex involved) but they we're talking on the phone and meeting up having lunch etc and he told her she can ask him for anything and he'll be there.

 

Well yesterday I found out because she sent him a msg asking for a money favor. We ended up getting into a HUGE fight, I left for the night and went to my mom with the kids and now he's begging for me not to leave him. I dont want to break my family up, but this is not the first woman I caught him talking to on the side that just so happens to work at his job.

 

I asked him why he does it and he said it's because we started falling out of love and he needed someone to talk to about his feelings. I'm a firm believer in just leaving or working it out if you're not happy not see someone else. I would never hurt someone I love like that, especially not him. I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I'm ready to breakup with him. Any advice?

 

 

 

not been all that great between us for the past few months

 

I found out he started seeing a female co-worker

 

rarely sleep together

 

we're never really on the same pg when it comes to parenting and discipline

 

this is not the first woman

 

I'm ready to breakup with him -- Considering all of the above statements -- exactly what else do you need to make the decision?

Edited October 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[LostOnes05]

My boyfriend and I have been togethee for about 8 years- Problem#1 now and we have 2 children together. Well things has not been all that great between us for the past few months as far as chemistry wise, Neither one of us can really figure out why. Its a distance between us in the house, we're never really on the same pg when it comes to parenting and discipline we dont go out on dates, and we rarely sleep together in the same bed.-Problems #2-4 So basically I found out he started seeing a female co-worker-Problem#5 on the side (no sex involved) but they we're talking on the phone and meeting up having lunch etc and he told her she can ask him for anything and he'll be there. Well yesterday I found out because she sent him a msg asking for a money favor.-Problem#6 We ended up getting into a HUGE fight, I left for the night and went to my mom with the kids and now he's begging for me not to leave him. I dont want to break my family up-Problem#7, but this is not the first woman I caught him talking to on the side that just so happens to work at his job. I asked him why he does it and he said it's because we started falling out of love and he needed someone to talk to about his feelings.-Problem#8 I'm a firm believer in just leaving or working it out if you're not happy not see someone else.-That's the spirit!! Kudos to you!#9ish I would never hurt someone I love like that, especially not him. I feel like I'm at my breaking point and I'm ready to breakup with him. Any advice?

 

See all those problems..

#1- Why hasn't he married you yet? And you guys have kids. What's the hold up?

 

#2- Get on the same page with discipline- compromise.

 

#3- He needs to take you out if he has time to court coworkers and give them money. He needs to plan a date and get a babysitter (depending on age of the children).

 

#4- Does he snore? You snore? Sleep apnea? Night terrors? Sleepwalking? Nocturnal enuresis? No...Get your tails in the same bed together (assuming you won't choke him in his sleep)

 

#5- He has time for all that, then he needs to help you more..plain and simple

 

#6- He needs to cut all contact that isn't job related. And before a certain time at night (7PM sounds good to me) because that's dinner/family time.

 

#7- You might have to if he can't get his act together; Better for both parents to be happy separately, than miserable together.

 

#8- Uhhh....newsflash...talk to the mother of your children...yeah her, or a male confidant/therapist

 

#9ish-You know what happens when you don't perform well on a job? And do nothing to correct your mistakes?...You get fired. If he's not willing to work with you, he'll be a part-time dad as well. And with 2 kids he'll be paying out the wazzoo.

 

I'm 29, single (why? I dunno) and I know this. I'm assuming he's a bit older than me though. He needs to put family first. Talk to you or a therapist (male, since he seems to be a faux don juan) if he feels the need to talk about his issues. But hold him accountable, give him a timeline to get it right and keep it that way. If he can't then he can go on lunch dates indefinitely. I wish you much luck with everything.

[Gaeta]

You both have a lot to lose. Before breaking anything you both head to relationship therapy and try to fix what is broken. You owe it to your children.

 

To my fellow posters, marriage has nothing to do in this. Adults can decide to live together and build a family without a marriage. It's a personal choice.

[smackie9]

Your relationship is lacking emotional connection, sharing interests, passions, intellectual stimulation...in other words he is BORED. When was the last time you put on some lingerie, or dressed up nice and went out on a date, or went dancing or went out of your comfort zone and did something you never tried before?

 

You stopped being a couple and became parents...got lost in the responsibilities of life. This is why he looks for it elsewhere, because he isn't getting it at home. It's an escape, to feel a desired man again, to feel fresh and new emotionally.

 

Time to set aside more one on one time, send the kids away to the grandparents more often, be spontaneous, book a weekend trip and go to a spa, hiking, camping, rent a cabin...just get away and be adults again. learn to surprise each other. TBH it's really not that hard, you just have to shift your focus.

[smackie9]

btw, 8 years and two kids? He IS your husband. You don't need a piece of paper to call him that. Maybe if you both started calling each other husband and wife, it might make him look differently at this whole thing.

[carhill]

OP, have you and he had breaks in your relationship and, if so, how did the rebuilding process go? I ask because you mention emotional intimacy and also mention that he has talked to female coworkers in the past, beyond the usual business stuff. Any insight there?

[oldshirt]

If you are really buying that he hasn't been scoring some tail off these chicks (or at least trying to) I have some great ocean- front properties in Nebraska for you.

 

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee. The fact he wouldn't marry you after 8 years and 2 kids is so that he can keep his options open and chase tail as opportunity presents itself. He has had one foot out the door and has been looking out towards the street since day one.

 

The reason you have been struggling in the bedroom and been "emotionally unavailable" is because deep down you know he is an azz and you don't feel comfortable or safe with him.

 

The reason you don't feel comfortable and safe with him is because he is not committed to you and is not. Invested in you, your family or your relationship. (If he was he would've gotten down on one knee and proposed and married you before knocking you up repeatedly)

 

Bad sex and loss of intimacy is the body's way of telling you that something is rotten before your rational mind figures it out.

 

This guy is bad news and the end is inevitable. Your friends and family have already warned you and now all their warnings are coming to fruition.

 

Start getting your affairs in order and your ducks in a row to be a single parent.

 

If you are not currently employed or employable, start working on job skills and polishing up your resume'

 

Start squirreling away money in your own accounts that he does not have access to.

 

See a family law attorney to find out your legal rights and responsibilities. Start developing a child care and child support plan for when he bolts.

 

Start looking into housing options for where you will live if he were to walk out one day or if you have flee in the middle of the night.

 

Start working on your exit strategies now because this plane is on a one way ticket towards the ground.

[basil67]

I'm also long term defacto with kids, so I'm not going to jump on the marriage bandwagon. However, I note that you called him your 'boyfriend'. Perhaps this is just semantics, but the word 'boyfriend' has a very temporary ring about it. Is there a reason you call him your boyfriend and not a partner?

 

Anyway, because there are kids involved, I highly recommend working on your relationship before throwing it away. The two of you owe your kids that much.

 

So what's with all the problems you've been having? What have the two of you done to address matters so far and why do the problems still exist?

[Beautiful Kisses]

See all those problems..

#1- Why hasn't he married you yet? And you guys have kids. What's the hold up?

 

#2- Get on the same page with discipline- compromise.

 

#3- He needs to take you out if he has time to court coworkers and give them money. He needs to plan a date and get a babysitter (depending on age of the children).

 

#4- Does he snore? You snore? Sleep apnea? Night terrors? Sleepwalking? Nocturnal enuresis? No...Get your tails in the same bed together (assuming you won't choke him in his sleep)

 

#5- He has time for all that, then he needs to help you more..plain and simple

 

#6- He needs to cut all contact that isn't job related. And before a certain time at night (7PM sounds good to me) because that's dinner/family time.

 

#7- You might have to if he can't get his act together; Better for both parents to be happy separately, than miserable together.

 

#8- Uhhh....newsflash...talk to the mother of your children...yeah her, or a male confidant/therapist

 

#9ish-You know what happens when you don't perform well on a job? And do nothing to correct your mistakes?...You get fired. If he's not willing to work with you, he'll be a part-time dad as well. And with 2 kids he'll be paying out the wazzoo.

 

I'm 29, single (why? I dunno) and I know this. I'm assuming he's a bit older than me though. He needs to put family first. Talk to you or a therapist (male, since he seems to be a faux don juan) if he feels the need to talk about his issues. But hold him accountable, give him a timeline to get it right and keep it that way. If he can't then he can go on lunch dates indefinitely. I wish you much luck with everything.

 

Thank you!

[Beautiful Kisses]

OP, have you and he had breaks in your relationship and, if so, how did the rebuilding process go? I ask because you mention emotional intimacy and also mention that he has talked to female coworkers in the past, beyond the usual business stuff. Any insight there?

 

No. We've never had a break in the relationship

[sandylee1]

Your boyfriend is making excuses to justify his behaviour. He won't admit he was wrong and take responsibility. Funny how she can ask him for anything and he doesn't offer you the same.

 

He's too wrapped up in her right now.

 

Are you happy without marriage after 8 years and two kids? If this suits you. ...then fine. If not, please know that nothing is marriage, unless you actually are married.

 

With all the problems you mentioned and this being the second time that you're aware of (because there could be more), I'd say cut loose and dump him.

[elaine567]

Before you beat yourself up over becoming "emotionally unavailable", you need to ask which came first?

Him, getting engrossed and distracted by some other woman, or your relationship going pear-shaped?

I guess it may be the former, if truth be known.

[darkmoon]

OP - tell me what kind of life you wwil have if iyou dump him? do nothing hasty, imo

[BaileyB]

This is not only your problem. He is making some decisions that seriously affect your relationship and your desire to show him affection.

 

The problems you are having will not be solved outside the relationship... You have children, so you have to be smart about things. But, the fact that he's engaging with other women is a BIG problem!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Beautiful kisses, in your thread title you have included the words' emotionally unavailable'. I suppose your partner accused you of this. What have you got to say to this? Is it true, partially true or completely untrue? Depending on how you answer one can suggest if there is scope for corrective action on your part or not. If you have tried to reach out to him repeatedly and he had rebuffed your attempts then there is little you can do because it takes two hands to clap.

 

If that be the case then you should follow the sage advice given by Oldshirt. If you have, indeed, been emotionally unavailable to your partner then both of you nerd to get post haste into MC and also IC. Your relationship is on the tocks and only emergency measures will help you save it. Only you know how invested both of you are in your partnership so if you think that the swan song has already been performed for it then start packing your bags and saying your goodbyes. Rather ask someone to play the funeral march and symbolically bury your partnership, shed your tears and move on with your lives. Warm wishes.

[Beautiful Kisses]

We we're going through a rough patch in our relationship, between work and the kids we just became distant in the household mainly. Not spendinf much time together kinda just going through the day doing our own thing, and when we would talk it would turn into an argument, almost always because we didnt agree on something. Well he started talking to another girl at work that turned into them texting, meeting up for lunch once which he admitted wasnt comfortable for him because he was so worried about getting caught out with her. Then he said one day in the morning before their shift started they we're in OUR car talking, drinking coffee , having a quick smoke and talking and the ended up kissing. He said it was a quick exchange and it felt really wrong to him. He cried and begged me not to leave him but idk if I can get over this so easily. We've been together 8 yrs and I cannot imagine kissing another guy behind his back, let alone in a car we share. He blocked her on social media from being able to contact him, even though I preffered him to call her and tell her they are no longer going to continue on with the "friendship", since she called him a lot when they we're talking. but he refused saying he doesnt want to say anything to her at all and wants her to just go away.

 

P.s I've also been fighting an urge to contact her to get more details on the whole situation, should I even bother?

 

Should I just end it all and break-up with him.?

[Fishfingersareyummy]

 

Should I just end it all and break-up with him.?

 

I think that's a fantastic idea.

[BaileyB]

See my response on your other post. Why ask the same question twice when you will get the same responses.

 

Your boyfriend is stepping outside your relationship. This is never good.

[JewelD]

End it. and I wouldn't waste my time reaching out to the other girl. What can she tell you that you don't already know?

 

He was probably way more into her than he's letting on and probably pursued her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yikes.

 

I would not stay with him. There was a build-up to this kiss; it sounds like an emotional affair. Probably what he told you is the sanitized version of the truth.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's entirely up to you!

 

Personally I could never EVER trust my partner again after knowing they crossed that line. People do make mistakes and recover, I'm not one of those people that chooses to forgive and work harder to overcome infidelity. Don't see the benefit in that other than to spare yourself the pain of a break-up.

 

8 years is a long time and for him to do something like this at this stage because you had some bumps on the road doesn't bode well for what he is capable of.

 

I'm curious to know why you described the kiss as "non-passionate" in the subject line? Is this a notion he planted in your head? Do you honestly believe he cried and made such a big deal out of crossing a line over a non-passionate kiss? I'm sorry but I feel there may have been more than just a kiss...never mind if it was passionate or not.

 

Cheaters ALWAYS downplay what occurred and how much they did or the length of the affair in a an attempt convince the betrayed "it meant noting"

When what we should be focusing on is that the actual relationship also meant nothing to him if he was capable of doing that.

[Beautiful Kisses]

I am highly considering leaving my long-term boyfriend that is also the father of my 2 kids for cheating on me. I dont think I should stay and work it out because when things got rough between us he didnt think to talk to me about it and work on it with me, he decided to go behind my and kiss his co-worker and go out on a lunch date with her. At this point I just want out! I'm starting my new supervisor position at my new job soon and I dont want any distractions. Heres the thing, we live together and the kids are stable here especially in school and I'm going to need to save up money to get my own place. So for now how do I go about things with him in the house so that we can keep the peace, but also show him how serious I am about ending things?

[darkmoon]

save up money?

 

just a bit worried - how much will you have to put by each week for this? math time imo