Love, Loss, & Deep Depression

[valoris]

I fell in love with my ex when I was 16 years old. She is few years older. She pursued me very hard. This was the first and only relationship I have ever had. Eventually we dated and within a few months I was in love with her. She is very beautiful and highly intelligent. She got pregnant and she pushed hard for marriage early on. Even though I really was not a proponent of institutionalized marriage I gave in and I was married at 17 years old.

 

I was very happy to be in love and I was happy being a young father. I never had any regrets. Life was blissful and we did everything as a family for many years. I let many of my friendships go because my marriage took all my time and I want to make my wife happy. Life was good and stayed this way for many years.

 

Fast forward 23 years. One night my wife fixed me my favorite dinner after I came home from school, I was working on a masters degree at the time. After dinner she told me she was moving out. I tried to give her a lot of space during this time. But after four months of minimal contact I knew something was wrong. I logged into facebook and discovered she had been cheating on me and living a total other life, even going on trips with men all over the country. I never had a clue. Now I realize she had been cheating for quite a few years.

 

I tried in desperation to woo her back. I read all kinds of books, and researched therapists, but to no avail. Ultimately she divorced me. It has been over three years since she left. She has cut all contact with me. She moved, changed her phone number and told her parents not to tell me anything. I was never abusive. I didnt do drugs or even drink or smoke. I was a straight shooter. After a year I realized she wasnt coming back and I have fallen into a deep depression.

 

I still cry every day and I am still mourning. I have been on all kinds of anti depressants over three years with no avail. I tried working on myself in hopes that attracting someone new might help me heal. I have had zero women interested in me. I am an introverted person who enjoys mostly reading, film, and gaming both board games and online. Out of despair and hopelessness I turned to drugs, something I never had any interest in before. I figured why not, I didnt want to live anyway so what would it matter. But still even with many hallucinogenic wonderful experiences, I still find that life doesnt hold that much interest. I am more interested in death and the afterlife where I believe I will not have to suffer.

 

Life is heavy now. All I look forward to is taking xanax and ambien at night to pass out. I try to sleep as long as I can to make the day shorter. When I get up I count the hours until it is time to go to sleep.I have no dreams for the future and gave up on my masters degree with only two classes left. It feels like an old dream that I no longer care about. I just hope I dont live very long so I wont have to suffer so much grief every day of my life. Life is just empty and I have no one to share it with.

 

My family I once had is now broken. My son is grown, married and has his own life so I dont see him often. The person I treasured and loved more than anything in the world doesnt want to see me. The one thing is, the few times we have met, we both end up sobbing together. I know this has hurt her, I think she left me because she thought I would leave her if I knew ahe had cheated. But if had shown remorse and asked my forgiveness I would have glady given it. Now my memories of the past haunt me, and I try to piece together information to figure out when she was cheating on me. I trusted her 100 per cent and never questioned any of the trips she wanted to take without me.

 

Now, I often pray that I would die in someway that is not painful. I would commit suicide but I am afraid it would fail and I would end up in a worse situation. Early on I thought I would move on by now, but my grief seems never ending. I live alone in the house we had for over twenty years. The past is ghost that haunts me, my heart is broken, my dreams extinguished and everything I ever thought was true has turned out to be a an illusion. I have learned that all of reality is one big illusion and death is an awakening to our higher selves, I yearn for the bliss of the next world.

 

I hope that anyone that reads this who is contemplating divorce please make sure you have exhausted every means to save your marriage and spare each other a great deal of pain. I wish you peace and love. Thanks for reading my story.

Edited October 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

Big hugs.

 

I hope you can quit the drugs and get back to living life!

 

Have you considered quitting? A good trauma counselor may help too.

 

Handing all of YOUR power over to her is not useful.

 

Get your goals back in line and take care of yourself.

 

How's your child doing with Mom changing her life?

[HawkeyeDave]

Don't give up. You have to have faith that there is a plan you are a part of. I'm going through a similar situation. Divorce isn't final yet, but I've shed a lot of tears worrying about the future. My kids still live at home and will be for another eight years. My wife had an affair and I've contemplated everything you have. I haven't turned to drugs but I've drank more than my share of beer. I'm scared to death of what the future holds without a degree to fall back on. I feel like such a failure that I often wonder if my family is better off without me. But I remind myself that nothing is easy or given and the only person that can make it better is me.

 

I feel for you because I know what you're going through. I've been married almost twenty years and don't remember what it was like to be alone.

 

I hope you find some peace that doesn't involve suicide. There is a life that can be meaningful for you if you just accept the fact that nothing is given. You have to go out and be the person that is capable of giving love to be ready to receive it.

 

Good luck to you. Trust me, you're not alone feeling this pain.

Edited December 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[valoris]

Thank you for your comments. With regards to therapy I have seen several therapists but none seemed to help me get to deeper issues, I sort of gave up.

 

With regards to drugs, I have given them up a few times, once for six months to see if it would help. I had no trouble stopping stopping, but I found that I was still severly depressed either way. I've done some research on hallucinogenics and there is some indication that they can provide a life changing spiritual experience, I think I am looking to achieve such an experience. I have come close several times, even made contact with an entity known as Kryon (look it up), and I never believed in any such thing. I was a hard line atheist who didnt even believe in a soul and had never even heard about Kryon or channeling before this experience. I know its part of reality now but now I yearn to return to a higher consciousness from which I came. My pyschiatrist thought I was crazy and I left her care.

 

As for my son, the day he moved out of the house to move in with his fiance, we both broke down crying and even though he was in his twenties he told me that he felt like his whole world was falling apart. He is like I used to be introverted and keeps his feelings closeted. He has since not spoken on the subject since, he doesnt share any of his feelings or thoughts. He simply avoids talking about any of it. But I know it has effected him greatly.

 

My parents have really been there for me and its the only thing that has kept me going because I love them both so dearly. I love everyone in my life very deeply. I am not living for myself anymore, I do not wish to hurt anyone.

Edited October 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Just a Guy]

Hi valoris, am really very sorry to see you here and to read your story. I wonder where you are, that is, are you in the US or some place else. The context of your post seems to indicate you are some place else. I wanted to recommend to you a Dr. Brian Weiss who is an accomplished psychiatrist who lives and practises in the US. The thing with Dr. Weiss is that he gave up a coveted position as a professor in one of the universities of the US to pursue the practice of regression therapy for people who deem to be stuck in life and face problems of different kinds which conventional medicine and psychiatric treatment have not been able yo resolve. He is an expert psychiatrist and can apply conventional methods to treat his patients. However when he reached a dead end with this kind of treatment he 4edorts to regression therapy to break the dead lock and try and find causes for a person's illness or disorder which seem to be incurable by conventional methods. You can Google him and read about him on the internet before you decide to proceed further with any treaent by his methods.

 

No one needs to suffer the way you are suffering. Especially so for the sake of a cheating characterless woman who cheated on you and the callously abandoned you, although, maybe she did you a big favour in removing her toxic presence from your world. Dr. Weiss's treatment may help you determine the why's and the wherefores of the suffering you are undergoing and by doing so will remove a big burden from your shoulders and help you recover your sanity. It is worth a try and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Cheers.

[miltie1916]

You mentioned praying. To whom or what do you pray?

[LargoLagg]

Maybe you need to get off the drugs that make you feel better, and just feel bad for a while longer. You got hit unexpectedly, and that makes all the difference in the world. If you'd been having problems, had both been unhappy, life was crappy and headed downhill, your mindset would be different right now.

 

I don't think that given the time you were together, and the manner in which your life was turned upside down that a few years of misery is not perfectly normal. It may very well be that you haven't grieved enough, and the anti-depressants are holding you back from doing the very thing you need to do to heal.

 

You said you were introverted and held back your feelings earlier in your life. You may simply not be very good at embracing your feelings of misery. You might not know how to face the thing that bothers you. That's all that good therapy really accomplishes. It helps you guide yourself to the part you need to get rid of, to recognize it. It doesn't sound like there are some underlying issues, other than that you were once, and may still be afraid of very powerful emotions, and so you shy away from them, and they hang on. If you still cry about this, that's your clue.

 

The other thing you need to do is to stop piecing together the information and trying to figure out what happened, but put your evidence together, print it out and then ask her to walk through everything with you the best she can. She owes you that much, and from what you've described, she'll probably tell you the truth. If she objects for any reason, make sure she understands that this is for you, not for you to blame her. It is to help you feel better and that's all. Ask until you don't have any questions other than WHY. She'll never answer that one to your satisfaction.

 

Unless these drugs are preventing you from doing yourself in, I'd get off of them and just ride out the heartbreak. IT WILL GET BETTER, but not if you don't let it all out.

 

Also, just to be clear, I'm not saying that you'll find a way to be glad this happened. However, you should be able to live with it and not obsess over it.

 

And while you're at it, tell your son that he needs to have the courage to do the same. Everybody faces severe disappointment, and when it visits him, you'll want him to be ready. Maybe guiding him will help you guide yourself. Good luck.

[valoris]

I was atheist. But since Ive had a spiritual awakening with Kryon, I consider myself New Age which incorporates a Christ consciousness, which works for me since I was raised Christian. I pray to the One Infinite Creator, same as Christian god. But most recently I began reading about Buddhism and I starting chanting/meditation.

[valoris]

Everything in my life life is terrible since separation and divorce. I have lost my best friend and the only person I have ever loved since I was 15, I am 44 now she left when I was 41. My health is bad I havent worked in 10 months due to daily persistent debilitating migraines. I just lie in bed in the dark and cry a lot from physical and emotional pain. Now I cannot urine for several weeks, I have one problem after another.

 

I really truly want to die, but I am scared because I am worried I will fail and end up worse than I am now. I am middle aged (old), ugly, now fat and poor. I know I will have to be alone for the rest of my life. My wife was beautiful and very smart and I was fairly good looking in my teens when we met. I have cried almost every day since she left. She moved, changed her phone number and emails and doesnt want anything to do with me, even though I treated her with kindness, love and respect.

 

Other than the day of divorce, which she tried to squeeze every penny out of me, even though she makes almost a hundred thousand a year, the last time I saw her I brought hera bouquet of flowers that cost me 200 hundred dollars which is a lot of money for me. She walked away wouldnt hug me or take the flowers. My latest problem is I cant urinate for several weeks I have to self cath. I really wish to exit this nightmare. I feel like I am getting closer to building up the courage to go through with it and end it. I have even lost interest in doing drugs which helped for a while. This reality is more than I can stand, I wish I would just die in my sleep.

Edited December 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain and feel like life is so hopeless. It sounds like you really need someone to talk to and listen. Have you thought about calling your local suicide hotline?

 

I don't know what to say as I read your previous thread as well and I don't really understand hanging so much of your happiness on one person. It's awful that your wife cheated on you and left you. I understand how that can be devastating but at some point you have to accept the facts and try to move on. I feel like part of the problem is that you have placed her on a pedestal and have become somewhat irrational about the power you think she has in your life. She isn't the be all and end all. Theres a lot more in this world and in this life then some cheating woman who dumped you. Grief in this situation is perfectly normal but to still be this devastated this far along is not. You've somehow become stuck. Please please reach out to people in your real life. Call your son, your friends, and a doctor. Don't keep suffering all alone, let people help you.

 

why are not urinating? That sounds like medical issue that needs to be tended to right away. Please tell me you have seen a doctor about that.

 

I wish I could do more to help but I'm a stranger on the internet. I will keep you in my thoughts.

[carhill]

TBH, I think, having also been through the divorce wringer and my mother dying at the same time, and feeling very depressed about the whole thing, your situation requires professional intervention.

 

The holidays are the worst, at least IME. It took a couple years of work to get out of the funk; I'm out over seven now and the holidays are actually fun and I do fine without women in my life.

 

Practical advice? Have a cup of hot tea with some honey and lemon or, if too much trouble, just drink a glass of water.

 

Back when I was caregiving, brain problems and depression were traced to two major factors, lack of sleep and lack of sufficient hydration. Sleep was the worst of it. It makes one crazy.

 

Unfortunately, all we can do is offer our best wishes and support. IMO you need help in the real world and we can't give it. Hope it works out for you.

[valoris]

I really thought that after three years after separation I thought I would be mostly over this, but I am still crying every day over spilt milk as it were. Life just seems like an incredibly heavy weight that I must bare. I gave the best years of my life to this woman and what do I get in return?

 

I spend every day wondering if she even thinks about the twenty three years we spent together or whether she feels any guilt for destroying our family unit and my life. I have lost half my family, as she told told me never to contact hers anymore. I was closer to her parents than I was my own. They treated me well and like a son.

 

How could this happen? We fell in love when we were kids and I was so bonded with her through all of our experiences together. We went through many hardships together, I thought that brought us closer together.

 

I know I wasnt perfect and the signs were there but I was ignorant and naive, having never ever been in a single relationship before. I have only ever been in one relationship my entire life. I am 44, and am simply uncapable of dealing with life on my own.

 

I am so lonely since she left three years ago. Women just arent interested in me, and I know my ex has had many suitors, she is very attractive and has a lot of money, and word has gotten back to me that she dates men half her age. This doesnt make it any easier for me. Ive not met a single person in over three years. I am pretty introverted and keep to myself. In fact, it was my ex who had to pursue me very hard before I was even interested all. I never did know why she liked me. I like to read a lot and have lots of me time. I have plenty of that now.

[anika99]

Okay so you met your ex very young and she is the only relationship you have ever had. That explains a lot. You never got to experience being on your own. You never got the experience of having your heart broken and then falling in love again.

 

Most of us do not stay with our first loves. When that first love relationship ends we are truly devastated and certain that we will never love again, but as we are still in our teens or very early twenties when that traumatic separation occurs of course we recover and go on to find happiness again. The experience teaches us that we can recover, that there is life after love and that we can find joy even when we are on our own. You didn't get to experience that and it's harder to go through it now.

 

I also suspect that as an introvert you didn't bother to foster relationships outside of your marriage. I understand that too because I'm a bonafide introvert myself.I have always been happy to have just one or two people in my life to share and spend time with but as I've been single many times I've always known that I couldn't make one person my everything. I love being single and on my own. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, outside of work of course. Actually I work from home and I love that too as it gives me even more time to spend in my own space. However I do need human interaction as well and I need affection and to give affection. So I stay in touch with my friends even though we sometimes going many weeks without seeing each other face to face and I do date a bit here and there.

 

My best friend is my dog and he is kind of my outlet for affection. He is very affectionate with me and I'm affectionate with him. He also adds purpose to my life and makes me go outside everyday for exercise and fresh air. If you are an animal lover and think you would be a responsible pet owner then consider adopting a dog or cat. Of course a pet can't take the place of humans but you would be surprised by how much happiness they can bring you. They can pull you out of a funk and force you to be in the present, not dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

 

Look into counselling and be willing to come out of your comfort zone to try something different and to change your perspective. You are not old. 44 is still young, especially for a man. good luck

[starry81]

Dear Valoris,

 

if I were ever in your shoes, please forgive me if this sounds insensitive, I'd just check into a mental hospital and let others take care of me for a while. I had an episode of major depression about ten years ago. Prozac worked great for me. Maybe you need to keep trying till you find something that does work. When you're out of this deep depression, then you can begin to do all the things you need to do to rebuild your life. Be kind to yourself, take it a day at a time, but please seek help. If it's been this way for 3 years, I don't think it will go away by itself, you need to take action to get yourself out of it, and you can do it.

[Marc878]

Get up and do something. Laying around has got you nothing. Join a gym anything to get out of the home.

 

You can't ever nice anyone back. That never works.

 

You're young. Get moving

[S2B]

You're handing her too much of YOUR power! Take your power back!!!

 

Have a therapist help you get your power back and get back on track.

 

Get off that medicine now! Seriously, it's not helping you.

 

Be productive every day. Find new work and finish the two classes.

 

It's time to change! Change brings hope.

 

I hope you will start changing everything today.

[NotASkunk]

My heart breaks for you, I would give you a big hug if I could. It probably doesn't help to hear it, but I am going through a lot of the same pain. Someone suggested getting off of meds and feeling your pain, you might want to talk to your doctor about tapering down The meds and get an extremely qualified therapist to help you. Life will be worth living again. Big hugs to you.