Speaking about drug use in front of children

[Fed up.]

My daughter and her husband have been married for 22 years. In that time, her father in law has been to rehab four times for cocaine. It's not something I've ever been comfortable with.

 

He has four grandchildren, two from my daughter and her husband and two from their daughter. All the kids are 13-17 years old. Lately he has been speaking about his drug use in front of them making me extremely uncomfortable. Random stories about how he was effected by them, how to do them, you name it. Every time he breaks up laughing and so do the children. I'm fed up with it. He is acting like it's not a big deal and I worry it is making the kids think that's okay behavior. He's even insinuated my daughter has done it with him. I'm not saying she has or has not, but it isn't something that needs to be glorified if she has. We were at a party for my 17 year grandson and their granddaughter asked the last time he did it was... not an appropriate question for a 15 year old at a family party!!!

 

I have told him told him to stop or I'll deck him, but he just always says stuff about it. The other in laws have spoken to my wife and I about it, and agree it is inappropriate, but our children just act like it isn't a big deal.

 

Please, tell me it is! Please say this behavior is inappropriate!

 

I have no idea how to deal with this. How can I get him to stop?

[basil67]

Wow. I hear you. I have friends who are ex junkies and their conversations in front of their kids involve discussing how many of their old friends have died because of the lifestyle. They certainly don't encourage or teach how to do it!

 

As frustrating as it is, I really don't think there's much you can do. If anyone has the power to stop this, it would be your son in law. But if he and your daughter don't care....I guess there's not much that can be done.

 

How do your daughter and SIL counter these conversations? Thing is, the kids will hear this stuff from other places too. School, internet, etc. So it's more about instilling the correct values in them so that they make the right choices as they grow.

 

For what it's worth, I think they are at far greater risk from the discussions by their peers than from an old dude who probably uses unfashionable drugs.

[SammySammy]

I don't believe you can make him stop. He'll only stop if he wants to and he clearly doesn't want to.

 

I understand your concern about the children. My grandfather was an alcoholic. He was one of the most entertaining people I've ever known. We used to gather around him as kids to listen to him tell stories. My grandmother and father were just as angry and upset about his behavior as you are.

 

But, the lesson I learned from my grandfather was that I never wanted to be an alcoholic. While we loved him and he made us laugh, we also saw the harmful effects alcoholism had on his life. The many health problems he had at the end of his life.

 

I've probably had less than ten drinks my entire life. The last one was probably fifteen or so years ago.

 

My point is that talking about drug use isn't the only lesson the kids are learning. Everything can be a teachable moment. We ... you ... just have to make sure the correct lesson is learned.

 

You have to be mindful about the way you do it. Not angry or antagonistic because that will make the kids sympathetic to him and see you as the bully. You have to be a calm, guiding force. A counterbalance, if you will. Then realize the kids will make their own choices when they grow up. At least you will have given them a choice. A better option. Because, honestly, they will be exposed to addictive substances at some point anyway. And still will have to make a choice. No matter who exposes them to it.

[dreamingoftigers]

If no one got him to stop using cocaine,

 

I'm willing to bet that no one can stop him from talking about it.

[S2B]

Why don't you stop being around him if it bothers you so much?

 

People talk about what they want to... you have a choice to leave when he does this.

 

Why in the heck would you want your family to live in denial? Drugs are everywhere! Not talking about reality does not mean it doesn't exist.

 

Educating the grandkids with essential info would serve a good purpose.

 

Your daughter is responsible for educating her kids too - yet you seem to want her to be innocent in all this. She's not... it's her choice to expose her kids to a known drug user. Blame your daughter, if anyone.

 

Addiction is hereditary... hopefully those kids get info to help them understand how much they are at risk.

[beatcuff]

Why in the heck would you want your family to live in denial? <<snip>> Educating the grandkids with essential info would serve a good purpose.

 

exactly --- too much 'stuff' was allowed to continue 'in my day' because not a word was spoken of it. we have been very open with our children about our use and our siblings (sister was a addict).

 

so the next story time, why not tell the WHOLE story, including the next day: when you are so hung over you 'waste a day' or how others were laughing AT you not with you or have to apologize for your behavior; lost work, lost opportunities, most importantly in today's world of posting everything --- how that can ruin... suspended from the HS team, lost license, lost internship or passed over for a job or promotion.

 

and don't be negative Nelly: mixing in some good with bad will drive the point home, then stress importance that you can almost as much fun by pacing one's self. then give them some tips: have a good meal, have a drink then a glass of water --- so you can party ALL night not just a couple of hours. i have noticed more people using those travel mugs, they say to keep the drink cold, but maybe they are moderating without notice.

Edited October 21, 2016 by beatcuff
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[Whoknew30]

I think it's a good thing. I have many addicts in my family & it's spoke about...& guess what not one of the younger generations has walked the same path.

 

It's education, rug sweeping doesn't get anyone anywhere. It doesn't matter if you like or not...if you don't like something & everyone else doesn't seem to mind it, you have the choice to remove yourself. You don't get to control what's ok in your daughter's home & her own family.