I've gotten back together with my wife but finding things difficult

[Pete2304]

Yeah I've mentioned divorce in the last but I've never really meant it and she will have known that. I can't drag that poor little man through the pain of seeing me once a week for a couple of hours, much as I want to. If I thought there was any chance of me getting some sort of sensible amount of custody I would do it but there isn't, I've been told that.

 

This just has to end now, god it hurts but it has to end now. I've never been prouder then when I've been picking my little man up from school and walking down the road with him hearing all about his day and those memories will always be with me.

[Been]

The reason why she would attempt to comeback is because in the past she was allowed to. She basically dictated the entire course of the relationship-when she wanted you around she was nice. When she became interested in others she wasn't so nice. And in the back of her mind she always knew that if the "new" man didn't work out or left her there was you with the door open to take her back.

What I learned and I'm sure you learned as well is that if your too forgiving to a person that that person will walk all over you. You become a doormat without meaning to.

Everybody has expectations of how they want to be treated. They have certain guidelines that they follow when in a relationship. When you keep giving someone a chance over and over again YOU basically start bending your expectations to make that person FIT into your life. And that's a no no. Because eventually you lose sight of who you are as a person. You stop living life the way you want.

If someone wants to forgive someone for cheating that's their right to do so. And sometimes it works out for that person.

But for me no I won't forgive that. I refuse to settle anymore. I don't want to have to worry about that aspect of the relationship. It's like having a great dog and one day that dog turns on you and mauls you badly. You might decide to keep that dog but you will never forget what that dog did.

[Pete2304]

Well the inevitable seems like it may be on the cards. We've been sorting out money etc and like an idiot I asked her if she was happy. She said he hadn't done anything wrong and that things were going well. So I replied fair enough but is he really your future to which I got an I don't know, followed by a message about her wondering etc etc. Bloody hell I can't go through this again, I know no contact etc but in reality my head is spinning, feel sick.

[Marc878]

She did the same a few years back when she'd gotten with someone else and I met a girl and things were wonderful until my ex found out and screwed things over again. I'm on the birth certificate but once she tells the court I'm biologically not his father they will order a court approved DNA test. Once that comes back I'm unlikely to get much in the way of custody other than maybe a couple of hours access a week and I just don't think that's the right thing to do for the little man so I'm falling on my sword to save him any more heartache. This time last week he thought he had his daddy back, poor lad can't keep having this confusion.

 

I won't go back, I wouldn't now, truly I wouldn't. You're right about her being a user. Thing is this idiot she's met is worse than her so I just hope I'm strong enough to say no in 3/6/12 months whatever when she discovers he's cheating on her.

 

This doesn't say much for her. You need to look up codependency and reds "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

[Been]

I know it's hard but you already know how the story ends.

[Pete2304]

I know it's hard but you already know how the story ends.

 

I do mate that's why I'm trying not to fall for the BS this time. It's nigh on impossible but I'm bloody certain that I'm going to try my damndest not to go back. I do know how the story ends, or more like how the next chapter will play out at least and I'm done reading. I never thanked you for your last reply, I managed to get my phone and wallet stolen outside the supermarket so was minus internet etc for a week or so hence me not replying to your post but you've (and the rest of you who have replied) have gone above and beyond to try and help me out and it's appreciated. Six months ago I'd have gone running back, now I'm going to do everything I can not to. I know it's coming and she's going to at some point fairly soon try but I will just try and grit my teeth and say no. Somehow!!!

[Been]

Don't mind helping. Always said that I hope people could learn from my mistakes. I'm going to give you some advice that might not make any sense but hear me out.

I always knew my relationship wouldn't work. I could feel it in my gut. My friends,coworkers, would give me great advice and I would do the opposite. See when you involve your heart you don't think as clear as you'd normally would. Because at the time you think that love will trump all the bad and in the end love will conquer all. That works maybe in the movie but in real life it's disastrous for someone that believes in that.

Your heart is not done with her. And in essence you aren't either. Sure you know what she's all about but it doesn't matter-your heart is too invested in this situation.

When I got back with mine I knew it would end up the same as all the other times. But the difference this time was I was prepared. I had the mindset that if it didn't work this time I was DONE FOREVER. Thier would be no what ifs,no thinking of how things COULD have been. This was are last stand.

And when it happened as expected sure it hurt. And did I feel sad?Yes.

But it was almost like this person had done so much to me that there wasn't anything left that this person could do to me. And I could no longer have my heart cloud my judgement because what love I did have for her she essentially killed it. I didn't believe anymore in her. And furthermore to be honest with you I was TIRED of her. Of the games. The lies. When I looked at her she no longer glowed to me like she did.

I don't know if you want to go this route. But I get the sense if you don't you'll always be prone to want to give her another chance.

[Pete2304]

I read the first two sentences of your reply and put my phone down. I went to pour a glass of wine and light a cigarette because I knew that when I read the rest of your post it was going to hit home and it did. When you mentioned that you got tired in the end, well, you don't need me to tell you that I'm exhausted.

 

As for the glow, you're right, it goes doesn't it? Disappears never to be seen again. Physically you might still be attracted but yeah the glow disappears. At the very start of this post I said I was struggling to be intimate with her and the lack of a glow (you've successfully summed up by the way, the problem that probably nine in ten people on here are trying to figure out) just changed things.

 

I wish I could buy you a beer sir because I owe you one. Yesterday she got in touch complaining that she was broke and like an idiot I sent her some money today. As expected I've heard nothing since other than a quick thank you message but I know as I sit here she's with him despite having said last night she was having second thoughts.

 

I've been so hurt I've become almost immune to it but having thrown everything at trying to fix this, I know in my heart I've nothing left to try, eventually you know when you've lost the game. Thank you again as ever.

[Been]

You've helped me as much as I've helped you believe me.

Not only the glow went but worse then that the trust. No matter what she did I just couldn't seem or truthfully want to trust her. And when we would have fun I would think damn this is going to end sooner then latter.

So when are final break up came I didn't care. Like you posted I had tried EVERYTHING someone could try to make someone happy and to no avail.

I went down an imaginary checklist:Borrowed money from me promising to pay it back but never did. Check. Cheated MULTIPLE times. Check. Always lying. Check. Couldn't even come close to keeping any of her promises. Check.

And the worst one - somehow it was my fault she did these things according to her. Check. So thier I stood thinking this woman can't do anything else to me-she's covered everything. I thought it's like trying to push a rock up a mountain and the mountain just keeps getting higher and higher with no end in sight. Sooner or latter your going to let that rock go either from exhaustion or because you figure out there isn't any point to it.

My biggest regret is that we both hate each other. And if I'm being honest I wish it never got to hate because nothing good has ever come out of hate.

You can dislike what she did to you. Maybe even not respect her. But don't hate because that's a very powerful emotion that doesn't do anyone any good.

[Pete2304]

Pretty much how I feel, the checklist may be different but it's the same principle. To tick a few boxes, cheated within a few weeks of us getting together, tick. Kept doing so every time she went out and got absolutely hammered, so maybe once a year or so at works xmas party, tick. Rest of the time was just awful to me when she'd had a drink which covers about 320 out of the rest of the days in the year, tick. Got pregnant after one of said drunken episodes and didn't tell me I might not be the daddy to our little boy, tick. Belittled me, made sod all effort for ten years and was violent and very rarely made me feel like she was on my side....tick, tick, tick. Oh and ****ed my brother, tick.

 

Between the lot of us we could no doubt create some dreadful checklists, mine is bad but no doubt there are worse. I've just about managed to walk away without hating her, not that it would have made a difference I suppose. Knew when I sent her money today that the messages would instantly stop and they have.

 

I thought at one point that rushing into dating etc would give me some sort of a confidence boost but enough time has passed that I think that would be the worst thing I could do. Going to try and concentrate on getting my career back to where it needs to be, I've so little journalism work these days but I'm going to throw myself into that.

[Marc878]

Your wife is a totally broken person. You could never fix that.

 

Your worst problem is yourself. Unless you change that nothing changes. You'll just stay in this broken record senario playing the same song over and over.

[Pete2304]

I know mate, I'm actually coming to terms with the whole sorry scenario. Whether or not I ever see her again I don't know, could have done today when she wanted money but actually just put it in her bank rather than seeing her. Like Been said, you get exhausted and that's where I'm at. I still love her, I still want her back or so I thought but what I've realised is the woman I think I love and want is basically me trying to justify a horribly painful waste of ten years of my life.

[Been]

Almost like you know how it already is going to end but you gotta play until The very end.

I tried dating-huge mistake. I was so mentally drained that I was like a zombie LoL. I just didn't feel like putting any effort in.

[Cephalopod]

im sorry this all happened to,you.

Edited November 19, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Pete2304]

Thank you, whilst chatting on here has far from fixed things, it's certainly made a good few lonely nights a bit easier to deal with and given me a great deal to think about. The number of kind and thoughtful responses have blown me away at times and as a result I've tried to do the same for others.

[Marc878]

It would appear that you're codependent on her.

All she does is play you.

 

Unless you fix that your life will remain the same.

 

Only you can change this.

[benpom]

:(:(

 

I am basically out of words to comfort you now. The level of betrayal you have experienced is far beyond what I can relate to. I just know it hurts like hell.

 

But once you make a stand, things get a little easier. Accepting that life is not fair is the only thing we can do sometimes. But at least you can take pride in your integrity.