I've gotten back together with my wife but finding things difficult

[Been]

I think what really bothered me the most if I'm going to be honest is that her actions-lying,sneaking around took all my GOOD memories I had of us as husband and wife. Now every time I think about what happened I can only think of the bad. And I know we had are share of good times I just can't seem to remember them-almost like that got blocked out by the bad.

And known of it was necessary- I wouldn't want someone to be with me that was unhappy. I would have rather them come up to me sit me down and tell me they couldn't do this anymore. Sure I would have been deeply hurt. But that would have beat lying to my face and me finding things out from others anyday.

I think if she had chosen the first I at least could have had an ounce of respect for her for being honest.

Now I question ALL of the marriage. Hope this helps you out.

[Pete2304]

I think what really bothered me the most if I'm going to be honest is that her actions-lying,sneaking around took all my GOOD memories I had of us as husband and wife. Now every time I think about what happened I can only think of the bad. And I know we had are share of good times I just can't seem to remember them-almost like that got blocked out by the bad.

And known of it was necessary- I wouldn't want someone to be with me that was unhappy. I would have rather them come up to me sit me down and tell me they couldn't do this anymore. Sure I would have been deeply hurt. But that would have beat lying to my face and me finding things out from others anyday.

I think if she had chosen the first I at least could have had an ounce of respect for her for being honest.

Now I question ALL of the marriage. Hope this helps you out.

 

Right, I have a few spare mins now. In reply to your last two posts in terms of my marriage and yours.....I had something of a lightbulb moment today and sadly, I have a horrible feeling it may apply to you as well. What I've finally admitted to myself all along is that she never loved me. But, and this is I think what made me love her, she always wanted to love me. This though put her in this ridiculous yoyo position of cheating and coming back of being nice and wonderful on occasion to being an absolute nightmare at other times.

 

What she would do is create an argument so she could split up with me. Now there's a chance that actually by doing so in her own irrational manner she was being kind because she knew the truth would break me so better to create a row. The other possibility is that she's so selfish and self absorbed she just created an argument so that she had an excuse to cheat and lie. I will never know. This very last time we have split she did exactly that in terms of an argument and I was going crazy thinking to myself how she could end things over such a tiny argument about a totally unimportant thing only of course I've since found out that actually she had made her mind up to go back to him the day before and had told him she was doing so.

 

Jatli, I thank you very much for your reply. Been has probably read a few more of my posts than you and I only say this because he is right, my relationship is a disgrace and can't go on. However, like you, I truly believe second chances can sometimes work. Most of the time, advice on here is no contact etc and in a lot of cases it's probably right but I have a huge heart and I believe that in some circumstances things that seem broken beyond repair can be fixed. Happily you and your husband are seemingly proof of that.

 

I've replied to quite a few posts people have made when they've first come here but only when I've felt that they seem to have something worth fighting for and I've often said to people that whilst NC is one set of advice, in reality they will go back at the drop of a hat regardless of the advice they get here or from friends or family. My part of trying to help on that front has always been to say yeah, go back, you're going to anyway. Just don't keep doing it. If someone can keep screwing you over then they really aren't worth it. I know this because I've kept letting someone destroy me for ten years. But your hubby hasn't and by the sounds of it never will hurt you again. We all make mistakes.

[Been]

Ironic Pete that my marriage and your marriage were almost the same minus the child.

I think you hit the nail on the head. My wife never truly loved me-at least not in the way true love is.

And I think she was selfish-she didn't leave until she had a sure thing lined up.

And I'll admit when we got back together for the last time I went through the motions. I was just so drained mentally and physically from trying to make her love me that I had the attitude she's gonna leave again no matter what I do.

So in the end I just couldn't do it anymore-be with someone who at anytime could and more then likely would cheat/leave.

And would haunts me is I WASTED so much time and money on a person who in reality could have cared less. And Furthermore I always knew it.

[Pete2304]

Ironic Pete that my marriage and your marriage were almost the same minus the child.

I think you hit the nail on the head. My wife never truly loved me-at least not in the way true love is.

And I think she was selfish-she didn't leave until she had a sure thing lined up.

And I'll admit when we got back together for the last time I went through the motions. I was just so drained mentally and physically from trying to make her love me that I had the attitude she's gonna leave again no matter what I do.

So in the end I just couldn't do it anymore-be with someone who at anytime could and more then likely would cheat/leave.

And would haunts me is I WASTED so much time and money on a person who in reality could have cared less. And Furthermore I always knew it.

 

Carbon copy mate. Everything you have written in response to my post has been so accurate I could have written it myself and sadly vice versa it seems. I'm exhausted too. I've stopped crying over her, I'm just drained. This last reconciliation has taken every last bit of fight I had and yeah you're right, you know they're going to leave anyway.

 

She left her phone on the table few days ago (now I've never been one for going through someone's phone or Facebook accounts because if nothing else you might end up with answers to questions you didn't actually want to ask anyway) but I saw it sat there and thought should I just prove to myself once and for all how dreadful she is and read her messages then thought no, I'm just going to live this fake dream for a while longer till the inevitable happens. I always knew.

 

I knew from day one and I knew it right up until the last day, ten sorry years later. And I'm grieving, just as you are for the time I want back. The time that no matter what happens I can't get back. I feel your pain mate because that's the one thing that no amount of sympathetic ears or advice can give you back and it's gut wrenching.

[Pete2304]

The old expression "it is not you, it is me" is times painfully true. You touched lightly on her FOO issues (family of origin). They are like alcoholism only the alcoholic can control the issue. Your relationship with her and every relationship she has will be destroyed by her FOO issues. Focus on your life post divorce. Strive to establish a solid foundation to move forward with.

 

What are the custody arrangements with your son? What are the financial implications? What are the future living arrangements? These are the questions you need to address while using the 180.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

The custody arrangements are that I'm totally screwed. He's not my son biologically. He was conceived as a result of a drunken night out on her part. She lied about it but gut instinct kicked in the minute she said she was pregnant but I stuck by her and married her anyway. Was there when our little boy was born and I adore him but she's shafted me now and won't let me see him anymore despite telling the little man last week mummy and daddy were going to love each other forever because that's the kind of wonderful person she is.

[SammySammy]

So, would you guys advise men to not marry women that you know don't love you?

[Pete2304]

So, would you guys advise men to not marry women that you know don't love you?

 

The thing is I always knew that the day would come when I ended up in this position. I knew it way before I married her but for ten years on and off I've gotten to spend my life with a woman who is different to anyone I've ever met. She at times, made me feel on top of the world, she at times was the most perfect partner anyone could ever want in that when she was going through periods of believing she loved me or at least trying to she was like a dream come true. Gorgeous too which didn't hurt. But, no, of course I wouldn't advise someone to do that and although it would be so so painful to turn down the chance to have the time over again because I would love to go through the good times again, I would take back my ten years and not be with her rather than going back to the beginning of our relationship.

[DarrenB]

Any updates you'd like to share, Pete?

[RyanO1991]

So, would you guys advise men to not marry women that you know don't love you?

 

Just as I would advise a maintenance man to not light up a cigarette while tracing a gas leak.

[Pete2304]

Just as I would advise a maintenance man to not light up a cigarette while tracing a gas leak.

 

Oh I don't know, has the potential to brighten his day up :-)

[Cephalopod]

Pete how many times total has she cheated on you? Before and during marriage?

[Pete2304]

Pete how many times total has she cheated on you? Before and during marriage?

 

In terms of sex with other people, that I know of......I would say five maybe (not something I want to have to sit and figure out for certain especially since one was my brother). It's a bit muddled because what she had a habit of doing was breaking up with me over nothing then lo and behold two minutes later she was with someone else but technically, she'd done nothing wrong.

[Cephalopod]

She is a serial cheater Pete....who has been manipulating you your entire relationship.

 

Serial cheaters do not change. They will not stop.

 

Why on earth would you even consider staying with this broken individual?

[Blanco]

Because she's hot.

[Pete2304]

I'm never going back. Not only that I've finally accepted she never wanted me nor will do in the future. I kept clinging on to the dream that somewhere there was a good person underneath all her brashness and lies but actually, there isn't. I loved being a daddy, something that at my age (31) may well not happen again for me again and not being able to see my little boy (biologically not mine and she's said no) is breaking me. Even if I meet someone new, as a result of chemotherapy I may well not be able to have kids of my own.

[doyathinkso]

31!! Gimme a break. You're still a freaking kid.

 

Had my first son at 35 and my second at 40.

 

Those are pretty typical ages by the way, unless you're in the Ozarks I reckon.

[sandylee1]

Pete

 

Your wife is nothing but a serial cheater. She orchestrates a break up to go and have sex with other men ... even your own brother.

 

She deceived you about the paternity of her child. Thats fraud. You loved someone who never deserved your love and saw you as safe and reliable. Her NO is to pick and drop you as it suits her. But she thought if you got with someone else, you'd get so involved and she wouldn't be able to come back into your life. So she muscled her way back before the 'new lady' could settle in.

 

She's just a user.

 

The best thing you can do .....and I know this sounds cruel .... is not only to detach from her emotionally. .. but also detach from the child she pinned on you and cut her out of your life for good. I guess you're paying child support and will continue to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours.

 

If you're on his birth cert as the dad ...then take her to court and get joint custody. If you're not ... then let her go and put an end to her using him and denying you access.

 

The less you care ....The more power you'll have. All these years she cared less and held ALL the power.

[Pete2304]

31!! Gimme a break. You're still a freaking kid.

 

Had my first son at 35 and my second at 40.

 

Those are pretty typical ages by the way, unless you're in the Ozarks I reckon.

 

As I said mate it's not just an age issue if you read it again.

[Pete2304]

Pete

 

Your wife is nothing but a serial cheater. She orchestrates a break up to go and have sex with other men ... even your own brother.

 

She deceived you about the paternity of her child. Thats fraud. You loved someone who never deserved your love and saw you as safe and reliable. Her NO is to pick and drop you as it suits her. But she thought if you got with someone else, you'd get so involved and she wouldn't be able to come back into your life. So she muscled her way back before the 'new lady' could settle in.

 

She's just a user.

 

The best thing you can do .....and I know this sounds cruel .... is not only to detach from her emotionally. .. but also detach from the child she pinned on you and cut her out of your life for good. I guess you're paying child support and will continue to be financially responsible for a child that isn't yours.

 

If you're on his birth cert as the dad ...then take her to court and get joint custody. If you're not ... then let her go and put an end to her using him and denying you access.

 

The less you care ....The more power you'll have. All these years she cared less and held ALL the power.

 

She did the same a few years back when she'd gotten with someone else and I met a girl and things were wonderful until my ex found out and screwed things over again. I'm on the birth certificate but once she tells the court I'm biologically not his father they will order a court approved DNA test. Once that comes back I'm unlikely to get much in the way of custody other than maybe a couple of hours access a week and I just don't think that's the right thing to do for the little man so I'm falling on my sword to save him any more heartache. This time last week he thought he had his daddy back, poor lad can't keep having this confusion.

 

I won't go back, I wouldn't now, truly I wouldn't. You're right about her being a user. Thing is this idiot she's met is worse than her so I just hope I'm strong enough to say no in 3/6/12 months whatever when she discovers he's cheating on her.

[SammySammy]

Hanging around is not going to ease this kid's pain and confusion.

 

He still has a biological father and an ... indecisive ... mother. The kid will likely see you as one of many. While he may appreciate anything you do for him, that's not going fill the space in his heart where his father belongs. And not going to end the confusion and frustration of his mother's merry-go-round of men.

[Pete2304]

Hanging around is not going to ease this kid's pain and confusion.

 

He still has a biological father and an ... indecisive ... mother. The kid will likely see you as one of many. While he may appreciate anything you do for him, that's not going fill the space in his heart where his father belongs. And not going to end the confusion and frustration of his mother's merry-go-round of men.

 

I know that's why I'm walking away. I took legal advice and with what's likely to be the outcome I've told her I'm walking away and have done. I can cope with hurting, I'm used to it but little man doesn't need any more confusion in his life at such a young age. Sad thing is he would have been better off with me in his life because unlike his mother who screams and shouts at him half the time, I'm calm with him because I know he needs it. She tells me he never asks about me and doesn't care if he sees me or not but I know that's not true.

 

It's done now, I'm done with her and the awful situation she has created. How I'm still standing I have no idea but I am. Just sad that I've got very little, if anything to look back fondly on and I think in a few years time there won't be a place in my heart for her unlike there is for the girl I had an amazing relationship with. Hopefully the future will bring me a bit of good luck.

[SammySammy]

Good for you, brother.

 

We live and we learn. Maybe this is a step toward something better for you.

[sandylee1]

She did the same a few years back when she'd gotten with someone else and I met a girl and things were wonderful until my ex found out and screwed things over again. I'm on the birth certificate but once she tells the court I'm biologically not his father they will order a court approved DNA test. Once that comes back I'm unlikely to get much in the way of custody other than maybe a couple of hours access a week and I just don't think that's the right thing to do for the little man so I'm falling on my sword to save him any more heartache. This time last week he thought he had his daddy back, poor lad can't keep having this confusion.

 

I won't go back, I wouldn't now, truly I wouldn't. You're right about her being a user. Thing is this idiot she's met is worse than her so I just hope I'm strong enough to say no in 3/6/12 months whatever when she discovers he's cheating on her.

 

You could do with seeking legal advice about your little boy. You've raised him from birth and are the only father he's known. You may be suprised that you would be entiltled to joint custody. The courts will look at what's in the best interest of the child.

 

If you are contributing to his upkeep financially, then you should have parental rights. It can't work that you'd have to pay child support in the event of a divorce, but she gets to deny you seeing him.

 

You've been too tolerant and accommodating of her for way too long and as a result she's taken advantage and walked all over you. I recommend you read 'No more Mr. Nice guy'.

 

You need to stop letting her screw things over for you. In all the years of her back and forth has the issue of divorce been raised? Because if not, you need to take charge and move towards filing. Stop letting her dictate the terms of your marriage.

[sandylee1]

There's a girl out there for you Pete.

 

Truth is she was never worthy of being your wife. She's not and has never been wife material.

 

You should either go for joint custody or walk away from her and little man. It would be best in the long run for you and him.

 

Once she knows you aren't going to be toyed about or kept dangling because of your love for him ... this manipulation will stop.

[Marc878]

She plays you because you let her and she knows she can. You're to young to waste anymore time on this.

 

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download.

 

Go dark and block her on everything but she will be back to try and play you again.