Social media/trust issues

[Empyrea]

Hey guys,

 

I'm currently in a happy, but fairly new relationship (6 months or so) which is starting to bring out insecurities in me and I really need some perspective.

 

Recently I've been having a lot of impulses to snoop on him.. like check his phone or Facebook - not to read the messages, but to kind of get an idea of who he's chatting to and if it kind of matches what I would expect or what he's told me. The thing is, I've only been in one LTR before and I felt very comfortable and at ease and felt like I could really trust my bf then. He was also much more transparent and relaxed about his social media and phone.. I would use his phone all the time and felt like I could have read his messages if I wanted to, therefore I never really felt the need to. But this new guy is much more private about these things - he's also told me that his privacy is important to him and that his previous gf who was very insecure (main reason why he broke up with her) did at one time read all of his FB messages which of course he didn't like.

 

Now, on the one hand, I understand why that would make him a bit more cautious perhaps - I also wouldn't want anyone to read my private messages, yet I feel like if he did for example, it's not like he would find anything there, so it's not really a big deal. So I kind of get it and I definitely don't want to come across as insecure and "hysterical" as his previous gf supposedly was, but it's kind of like trying NOT to think of the pink elephant.... I just can't help thinking that surely there was a reason why she felt like she had to read the messages and she probably found sth she didn't like and brought it up or he wouldn't even know about it etc. I don't want to breach his trust and start snooping around regularly, but I just don't feel like I can trust him completely. I don't think he's cheating on me or anything, but I'm afraid that there could be some online flirting with exes or crossing of boundaries with female friends (he has several), and it just makes me so damn paranoid and uneasy that I don't know and don't feel like I trust him in this aspect..

 

I already expressed to him once that I didn't like how he was so protective of his Facebook (like turning it off immediately if I was around) - and he said he hadn't noticed he did this and that he would stop. He did for a little while and has had his Facebook open in front of me a couple times - then there was nothing suspicious going on - but once his phone beeped (FB message) and he wasn't around and I was curious (and paranoid already) and just wanted to check who it was, and it was an ex.. now I don't think they chat very often and it didn't look very suspicious or anything, but I was just curious how he'd act about it, because he hadn't seen it yet. And indeed, when he went on Facebook after that, he was much more protective of it again and closed it quickly when I walked past...

 

THESE kinds of things make me super nervous. I don't REALLY think he's doing anything behind my back, but I feel like if he was, I'd never know the difference, because he's so guarded about it. It's just making me overly insecure and I don't really want to bring it up, because I don't want to be put into the same "insecure, hysterical" category as the ex.

 

So, on a scale of 0 to 11 - how unreasonable am I being? How do I control my developing anxiety??

Edited October 20, 2016 by Empyrea

[l8estnews]

I don't know. If I were in a relationship, I would be the same as you. So my answer to this (and my current practice) would be NOT to be in a relationship for now. Your BF will eventually get tired of the snooping and the distrust so, for me, you have to work on yourself with the thinking "Innocent until proven guilty" mindset.

 

With Private messages nowadays, and the future "incognito" messages from FB and other apps, it will realy be hard for us to get proof of cheating since for some reason, Messaging Apps are evolving to the convenience of Cheaters :laugh:

[lolablue17]

that elusive thing called "trust" is hard to define, and very hard to achieve. On one hand he has the right for privacy, but on the other hand it's really ridiculous to 'demand' trust if he turns off FB when you pass near him.

 

That's why not everybody compatible. For example, if I had a gf who would have turned off fb when I'm there, I would have demanded her to let me see what's written there. I would have probably say - "If you hide it, I want to see it". If she would have refused, I would have probably end the relationship. And if she said "You must trust me" I would have answered - "But i don't".

 

I tell my wife "you have the right to read everything, but I'll have a problem if you read my stuff ALL THE TIME. You must use that permission very sparingly"

[Empyrea]

I agree about the compatibility thing, however it would seem very silly to me to throw an otherwise very compatible relationship down the drain just because of that. Partially I acknowledge that it's my irrational anxieties which is really just my problem, however I have experienced that with a different pattern of behaviour, these anxieties aren't triggered as much. I feel like there is room for compromise here, but it's something I hesitate to bring up so early on when it should be all roses and butterflies, not demands and pressures. So yeah, how to achieve that trust..

[Space Ritual]

I already expressed to him once that I didn't like how he was so protective of his Facebook (like turning it off immediately if I was around) - and he said he hadn't noticed he did this and that he would stop. He did for a little while and has had his Facebook open in front of me a couple times - then there was nothing suspicious going on - but once his phone beeped (FB message) and he wasn't around and I was curious (and paranoid already) and just wanted to check who it was, and it was an ex.. now I don't think they chat very often and it didn't look very suspicious or anything, but I was just curious how he'd act about it, because he hadn't seen it yet. And indeed, when he went on Facebook after that, he was much more protective of it again and closed it quickly when I walked past.

 

I would be trusting my gut if I were you too.

 

Let me guess he has his phone glued to his hand and or/password protected and it's literally another appendage?

 

If so you have plenty reason to be worried.

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

I've been around here long enough to know that when a post contains FB and someone being secretive with it in the same post, drama is sure to follow.

 

Look,

6 months is not that much of an investment in the overall scope of things.

 

You are left with 2 options, either put blinders on and sing la la la every time you pass by him on the computer or trust your gut. If you choose the former, then this thread can be closed. If you choose the latter, sit back and observe, because if you confront him without proof you'll be gaslighted into thinking you are crazy and then you'll never know.

 

It sucks that people even have the need or feel they do to observe someone else's actions, but it is pretty rampant these days and it usually goes with the same script.

Sit back and watch him for a couple of weeks, if he is doing something nefarious, he will eventually screw up, they always do.

[smackie9]

I'm surprised he would be dating someone who is insecure and anxious again.....

 

And I'm surprised that you would be dating someone who has to be secretive with his social media......get what I mean? What would make the most sense is you to bail on this relationship. I don't see it working out if things are getting this way at the 6 month mark.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Grrrr...this is why I HATE social media! Honestly, nothing good ever comes from it especially how it relates to relationships.

 

All I have to say on the matter is that (1) you're absolutely right to say that this is YOUR issue, not his and (2) listen to your gut because it's rarely ever wrong.

 

Sometimes that gut feeling isn't so much about your partner cheating but rather just your own intuition letting you know that something about how he conducts himself isn't sitting right with you. His protectiveness regarding his social media clearly doesn't sit well with you and that could end up being a deal breaker for both you and him.

 

 

I was in a relatively "happy" relationship with someone once upon a time who was pretty active on social media, had a ton of friends and followers, and if that wasn't enough, his phone would blow up continuously no matter the hour or day. He was constantly having to give it attention. Unlike your partner, he didn't go out of his way to hide anything from me but the fact that he was so distracted by it and engaged often was something I found very challenging.

 

In the beginning I would tell myself it's fine, he's fine, we're fine...and we were technically...BUT it was at that point in my life where I began to realize how much I hated social media. I just couldn't see how this could be the mature, adult relationship I was seeking when I was with someone who was so attached to their phone and social media.

 

He gave me no reason to mistrust him, I simply found my truth in that moment regarding deal breakers when it came to relationships. My truth is alive and well today and I refuse to date anyone who is so easily distracted with virtuality.

 

Just my two cents.