buglet78 Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 As a realist, I jumped to acceptance fairly quickly. I'd say the over him process was around 6 months (9 month affair). The real struggle is accepting and living with my role in the pain caused to his wife. I still can't believe I ignored every moral and ethical part of myself to participate in an affair. That's not going to get better but it's the part no one seems to talk about. I still can't believe I ignored my morals and ethics, too. All because I was afraid of losing him (well, I ended up losing him in the end - why did I just prolong the inevitable?). It just created a bunch of baggage for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jllbcb Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 Just some thoughts from someone who is 3 years post affair. we were both married and I fell for her hard. We literally talked every day for a year. And then it was over .... So I am 2-1/2 years from any sort of contact. It gets easier yes. The pain goes away. Or the ❤️ Learns to deal with it. But I've got to be honest With you. I still think of her several times a day. The soul wrenching pain is gone. And I will never contact her again. But I also miss her every single day. I think it just all depends on the individual but definitely no contact is the only Way to heal .... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am 7 months out of a 15-month A. I'm not exactly sure what "healed" looks like, but I definitely do not miss him or maunder over him. At this point it's more about gaining a clear understanding of why I was willing to participate in an A in the first place and how to recognize those danger signs in myself if they should arise again. I am not at "meh" but I'm getting close. He hsa attempted to contact me a few times recently and I am unmoved by them. It does help to be single and have the option to date other people. I recently started dating someone and I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it feels to be seeing someone who is available, accessible, and has integrity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 This struck me. I wonder if the rejection is playing a part in my pain as well. I knew it would end and I was ok with that. It was the cold callousness in that NC letter that has stuck with me. It did make me feel rejected and like I was nothing. Something for me to think a little deeper about but I think you may have helped me come to a realization here Lilly: I think the rejection of an NC letter is part of it. Another part is that, oftentimes, we can't share our pain with friends so we have to go it alone. (Or commiserate with strangers on a website.) When my A ended, I could not call my friends and process it all over a bottle of wine. I had to get through it on my own. Not easy to do for some of us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 MidnightBlue. I've never heard anyone really say this before although I realize it's very true in my marriage.... "Now I am a woman, men are different. It's my experience that men don't seem to realize everything that happened till 1 to 2 years after the affair ended. So for the first year, the woman basically dies but when she is feeling better and normal again, the guy is facing his life." ....we're in that time frame now. My H has never taken perceived criticism well. He's a terrible communicator. We've been together all our adult lives. I know him so well. The other night we were talking about a couple we knew. Turns out her husband was having an affair whilst she was going through fertility treatment. It started as a 'normal' chat. I mentioned how the BS dressed herself & her little kids up, marched into his work, told the OW she could have him & just said "You've been served!" & slammed the divorce papers on his desk, turned & left. My H started saying the sort of thing he would always say when he heard about adultery, "Good for her!! I hope she took him to the cleaners!! The scum deserves everything that he gets....". Then he froze. Then he burst into tears! This is the first time he's clearly shown his pain. In the moment it hit him like a ton of bricks. He IS THAT SAME SCUM that he has always been disgusted by! It's taken him over a year & me finally starting to surface for him to reach this place. Is it common for MM to be like this? Do you think it's just time? Does it take the BS starting to recover for the WH to stop being defensive & actually truly feel the impact of the permanent change they have inflicted on the BS & marriage & family? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyp32 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 The real struggle is accepting and living with my role in the pain caused to his wife. I still can't believe I ignored every moral and ethical part of myself to participate in an affair. That's not going to get better but it's the part no one seems to talk about. I can completely empathize with this. It's one of the things I'm trying to reconcile within myself. I've talked about it in some of my others posts. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to ever really e able to forgive myself for all the pain I caused by my selfishness. It's sickening. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyp32 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Share Posted October 21, 2016 I am 7 months out of a 15-month A. I'm not exactly sure what "healed" looks like, but I definitely do not miss him or maunder over him. At this point it's more about gaining a clear understanding of why I was willing to participate in an A in the first place and how to recognize those danger signs in myself if they should arise again. I am not at "meh" but I'm getting close. He hsa attempted to contact me a few times recently and I am unmoved by them. It does help to be single and have the option to date other people. I recently started dating someone and I cannot begin to describe how wonderful it feels to be seeing someone who is available, accessible, and has integrity. I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever really be healed. Whatever healed is. I know the heart will heal but I think we will all be forever changed by our A's. I guess in the end it's about learning from it all and becoming a healthy person that would never engage in behavior like this again. Learning to be happy within ourselves instead of looking for someone else to provide us with happiness. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget exMM. When I love, I love hard and I loved him with everything I had. I'm afraid he will always somehow be in my thoughts. That's a scary for me. I wish I could just forget and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I can completely empathize with this. It's one of the things I'm trying to reconcile within myself. I've talked about it in some of my others posts. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to ever really e able to forgive myself for all the pain I caused by my selfishness. It's sickening. (((((Lilly))))) No-one wakes-up one day, yawns & thinks "Today is the day that I will inflict emotional carnage on others!". Many things in life are simply little step followed by another little step & before you realize it you're so far in & you're not even sure how you got there. However, we can wake in the morning & vow to change. Plan to do our very best to atone & most importantly understand & forgive ourselves. There will he truly crappy days but as we fall asleep we can promise ourselves that tomorrow will be better. You're NOT some horrible, cruel person. Don't allow your mistakes to define you. I don't know you. All I've heard is your perception of yourself & your actions at this horribly low point of your life AND I feel tremendous compassion for you! That says a lot about you!!! I don't define you as the OW. I see a fundamentally good lady who has been hurt & broken. I see a thoughtful, compassionate lady who made some horrible choices in life....but life is very long. You have plenty of days ahead that you can direct in anyway you choose. They say "It's darkest before dawn". I wish you MANY sun shiny days in your future. You're better than you think you are. Don't forget that!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever really be healed. Whatever healed is. I know the heart will heal but I think we will all be forever changed by our A's. I guess in the end it's about learning from it all and becoming a healthy person that would never engage in behavior like this again. Learning to be happy within ourselves instead of looking for someone else to provide us with happiness. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget exMM. When I love, I love hard and I loved him with everything I had. I'm afraid he will always somehow be in my thoughts. That's a scary for me. I wish I could just forget and move on. You will believe it or not. I love with all my heart too and did so eventually with my xOM. I too thought I would never forget about him, but I did. Today he does not hold that kind of power or significance in my life. I NEVER think about him anymore and when I do there are no emotions attached to it. While we were friends first I wish we could have kept it that way instead! Lessons learned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 21, 2016 Share Posted October 21, 2016 I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever really be healed. Whatever healed is. I know the heart will heal but I think we will all be forever changed by our A's. I guess in the end it's about learning from it all and becoming a healthy person that would never engage in behavior like this again. Learning to be happy within ourselves instead of looking for someone else to provide us with happiness. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget exMM. When I love, I love hard and I loved him with everything I had. I'm afraid he will always somehow be in my thoughts. That's a scary for me. I wish I could just forget and move on. Oh, honey. You will heal. I promise. There might be a scar, but that doesn't mean you aren't healed. Life puts scars on us. That's how it works. I don't think it's necessary to forget the xMM. I won't forget him. I don't forget anyone with whom I have shared an intense emotional bond of whatever kind. I don't believe that's the goal. I believe, as you point out, the goal is to learn. Remembering what I did is part of how I accomplish that. I have done some lousy things in my life. I have done some amazing things in my life. I have done some cowardly things in my life. I have done some incredibly brave things in my life. I have been selfish. I have been selfless. My personal journey is to tip the balance more and more toward the positive side. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
buglet78 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm beginning to wonder if we will ever really be healed. Whatever healed is. I know the heart will heal but I think we will all be forever changed by our A's. I guess in the end it's about learning from it all and becoming a healthy person that would never engage in behavior like this again. Learning to be happy within ourselves instead of looking for someone else to provide us with happiness. I don't know if I will ever be able to forget exMM. When I love, I love hard and I loved him with everything I had. I'm afraid he will always somehow be in my thoughts. That's a scary for me. I wish I could just forget and move on. I know one thing I learned from my A is to stand up for myself and what I want (I felt funny about carrying on the (at the time) EA once I found out he was "still" married, but I wanted to "accept him for who he was" and he was a great friend, and I did not want to lose that). I don't know if I will be able to forget him either. We came so close to having a "legit" relationship, and so much of our A resembled an actual relationship. I think over time, the thoughts of our xMMs will gradually fade away. This has been a tough learning process for all of us. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyp32 Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 (((((Lilly))))) No-one wakes-up one day, yawns & thinks "Today is the day that I will inflict emotional carnage on others!". Many things in life are simply little step followed by another little step & before you realize it you're so far in & you're not even sure how you got there. However, we can wake in the morning & vow to change. Plan to do our very best to atone & most importantly understand & forgive ourselves. There will he truly crappy days but as we fall asleep we can promise ourselves that tomorrow will be better. You're NOT some horrible, cruel person. Don't allow your mistakes to define you. I don't know you. All I've heard is your perception of yourself & your actions at this horribly low point of your life AND I feel tremendous compassion for you! That says a lot about you!!! I don't define you as the OW. I see a fundamentally good lady who has been hurt & broken. I see a thoughtful, compassionate lady who made some horrible choices in life....but life is very long. You have plenty of days ahead that you can direct in anyway you choose. They say "It's darkest before dawn". I wish you MANY sun shiny days in your future. You're better than you think you are. Don't forget that!! Oh Shatteredlady, your post has me in tears. It's hard for me to see my days becoming sun shiny days through all the gloom I feel now. Right now, I feel like a cruel and horrible person. I'm hoping during the healing process I'll be able to see myself in a better light and not have my actions define who I am. Your kind words and support have warmed my heart. Thank you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lillyp32 Posted October 22, 2016 Author Share Posted October 22, 2016 I have done some lousy things in my life. I have done some amazing things in my life. I have done some cowardly things in my life. I have done some incredibly brave things in my life. I have been selfish. I have been selfless. My personal journey is to tip the balance more and more toward the positive side. I need to read this again and again. It's all so true. I guess I need to stop trying to forget him. I know it's not going to happen. Im sure you're right and this will leave a scar. I know it will be a constant reminder of the poor choices I made and will forever change me. It will be a life lesson I take with me where ever I go. The scar form my marriage will do the same. That's a good thing but at the same time, those scars scare me. I'm afraid I won't ever be able to open myself up to someone again. I'm afraid to love because both men showed me that love hurts. I've only been in love twice in my life. Both times were dysfunctional and toxic. I'm not sure what that really says about me. I'm not sure what a healthy loving relationship even likes like. I'm scared that I will never find one because I feel so jaded when it comes to love. Completely and totally jaded. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm afraid I won't ever be able to open myself up to someone again. I'm afraid to love because both men showed me that love hurts. I've only been in love twice in my life. Both times were dysfunctional and toxic. I'm not sure what that really says about me. I'm not sure what a healthy loving relationship even likes like. I'm scared that I will never find one because I feel so jaded when it comes to love. Completely and totally jaded. Never say never, Lilly. Waaaay too soon in your healing to even consider another relationship. It takes time to really work through it. You may be more guarded in the future, and maybe a little slow to open up. But don't give up on love. If you give up on love, then they win. I had a therapist once who told me to think of my life as a story. How did I want my story to go? Was my story going to be that I got married to someone who destroyed my life and after that I never loved again? Or did I want my story to be that I was knocked on my a$$ by marriage, had to rebuild from the ground up, created a beautiful life for myself, and then met someone wonderful and fell in love? Link to post Share on other sites
Bambi1234 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm not sure I'll ever be over him. I know I don't want him but the feelings seemed real at the time. Its hard to get over the person I thought he was. I'm in the thick of things though so maybe I'll feel differently in time. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 I'm not sure I'll ever be over him. I know I don't want him but the feelings seemed real at the time. Its hard to get over the person I thought he was. I'm in the thick of things though so maybe I'll feel differently in time. Of course you will. How old are you? I've been in love with many guys I couldn't tell you their last name now. It's not really love. Its limerance, infatuation, chemistry. It goes away or else we'd all be pining for our 15 year old boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bambi1234 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 Of course you will. How old are you? I've been in love with many guys I couldn't tell you their last name now. It's not really love. Its limerance, infatuation, chemistry. It goes away or else we'd all be pining for our 15 year old boyfriend. I'm in my late 20's... Its been two and half week's no contact. I'm just waiting for that time that it doesn't hurt. I'm old enough to know the only thing that will get me there is time. Thank you <3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts