My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[Shard]

Short Version:

 

My wife has been together for almost 14 years and married nine months with a brief four-month separation in between (long before we got hitched). We have two daughters together 7 and 3 1/2.

 

In early January, my insurance company at work made some changes at work. We had been paying just over 400.00 a month for health insurance. I found out if my wife and I were to get married I could shed 60.00 a month off our insurance. So she dropped her insurance from her work, and we went to the courthouse and got married. A few weeks after we got married I noticed a change in my wife. She never wanted to have sex, and she was just very sad and down int he dumps. I thought it was just another rough patch in our relationship. We had a few of them, one that resulted in a four-month separation (totally my wrong doing) I talked to her about it, and things seemed to get better until July.

 

In July she told me she wasn't happy and wanted to separate. I begged her, and she reluctantly agreed to attend marriage counselling. Things didnt' get better, and she slowly became distant. In August after confiding in a friend told me it sounded like my wife was having an affair. So I went through her phone which I never had a feeling I had too. I discovered over six months worth of text messages. I did some more digging and noticed Facebook messages going back to November of last year. There is definitely an emotional affair going on. There has been mention of sex by the other man, but my wife had denied it each time saying she didn't want to cheat on me. She doesn't seem to realize that what she is doing is cheating.

 

I confronted six weeks ago after sitting on it for a month. Since then she has stopped contact but just isn't happy. She tells me she loves me but just doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. I had made mistakes, (some serious ones) but I thought we had overcome them, and we had a great life together. I don't know what to do.

 

_________________________________

 

 

LONG VERSION:

 

 

My wife and I met in February 2003. She was 15, and I had just turned 16. The first six years of our relationship wasn't healthy. It was a mixture of being young, immature and making terrible decisions. From early 2005 to when we found out my wife was pregnant in late 2008 we did a lot of partying, drugs. I had gotten arrested six months before she found out for assault for getting too drunk at a bar. The day my wife found out she was pregnant she stopped drinking, doing drugs and started attending AA meetings and counselling. Me I didn't think I had a problem. I still drank and occasionally the odd drug. I was irresponsible.

 

A few months before our first daughter was born, she gave me an ultimatum. Either it was the partying or us. That day I quit going out and partying. Everything was going well for us the next three years. We had been saving money for a new house when we unexpectedly found out she was pregnant again. Our whole plan derailed and six months into the pregnancy she had to stop working. I got desperate and stressed out. I started drinking again to cope with it. I thought I had it under control but a month after our daughter was born, (June 2013) she told me I needed to stop drinking. I promised I would but then started sneaking around to drink. When my daughter was five months old, she kicked me out. It took me a few weeks from being apart from my children to realize I had a problem. I started to attend AA meetings, and in late February 2014, she allowed me to move back in.

 

WE attended relationship counselling until April 21, 2015 (I remember the date because the counselor said after the session that he believed we didn't need him anymore)

Everything was smooth sailing for us. We once again started saving for a downpayment on the house, saving for a family vacation. Everything was going well. In December 2015, I found out that some changes in my insurance company were occurring in the new year. A few days into the new year, I discovered if my wife and I were to marry we could save over 700.00 a year on our insurance. We had talked about getting married off and on for our entire relationship, so we decided to just go for it. So January 16, 2016, we got married.

 

After we had got officially married, our relationship had been going downhill ever since. She stopped talking about wanting to buy a house unless I initiated the conversation. WE had gone from having sex four times a week to once a week if I had initiated it and even then she never seemed into it. I thought she might be depressed, so I found a babysitter for the kids and we went had an honest discussion. She said she has just been depressed at work and just overwhelmed.

 

After that things seemed to be getting better. Our sex life became better; we even had a concrete plan to having enough savings for a cruise in March and a house in April. Everything was set out, and we were doing better then ever.

Then on July 3rd, 2016, after the kids were bed out of the blue she said she wanted to separate, and that she wasn't happy. It came out of nowhere, and I begged for her to give us another chance. A few days later she agreed, and we met up with our old marriage counselor. We attended four sessions when she decided she didn't want to go anymore. So we stopped.

 

In August after hanging out with a friend, and telling him about my marriage. He asked me if I thought she was having an affair and that is the reason why she has been so distant. It had never crossed my mind but one night a few days later when she had gone to bed early I decided to check on her phone. I expected not to find anything. But I found six months worth of text messages to this one number. A lot of them was sexual, not pictures thank God. The other man had asked my wife for sex, but she had turned him down.

 

The next day when my wife went to work, I took the day off and did some digging. I found out the messages started back in November. At first, they were innocent. They would message each other once or twice every couple days, but around the time we got married, the messages increased to 5 to 10 a day. In April, I noticed the messages were getting a little too personal. They were talking about me and my addiction problems in the past. She told him she wasn't sure she loved me anymore. After that, they switched to text messages where more of the sexting, and talks about wanting to leave their respected marriages started.

 

I thought if I was more attentive, did more around the house, helped with the kids more she would stop on her on. But she didn't so after almost a month I confronted her. She cried, and I cried. This was the most gut-wrenching moment in our relationship. Even worse than when she kicked me out. She told me she hadn't been happy in awhile. She told me she loved me but didn't feel in love with me. Told me she had been complimenting breaking up for some time. I asked her if she ever had sex with him and she said no. I have no proof she did and proof that she never had intentions of having sex with this man.

 

She ended contact with him that night, on speaker phone. But since then she has been transparent, even offered to take a polygraph test but she just doesn't seem happy. We've been having sex every night, talking more but the spark within her isn't there. It looks like she is forcing her feelings. I don't want my marriage to end, to break up with her. I just don't' know what to do.

Edited October 20, 2016 by Shard

[Mr. Lucky]

A few days into the new year, I discovered if my wife and I were to marry we could save over 700.00 a year on our insurance. We had talked about getting married off and on for our entire relationship, so we decided to just go for it. So January 16, 2016, we got married.

 

So you're willing to officially commit to each other but only if a $60 monthly savings is involved? I'd be underwhelmed, not the firmest foundation for a relationship, especially one with your history.

 

WE attended relationship counselling until April 21, 2015 (I remember the date because the counselor said after the session that he believed we didn't need him anymore)

 

Obviously not true. She's cheated and probably holds resentment over past issues, a toxic brew. I'd think a return to counseling (with a different counselor) would give you the greatest chance of getting back on track.

 

Welcome to LoveShack, sorry it's under these circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shard]

So you're willing to officially commit to each other but only if a $60 monthly savings is involved? I'd be underwhelmed, not the firmest foundation for a relationship, especially one with your history.

 

For the longest time we both wanted the big wedding, but couldn't afford it. We got pregnant young and had to become financial stable first. We (mostly me) made some terrible mistakes. We had plans to buy a house first, as the renting prices were going up and we wanted assests. I guess the saving 60.00 a month just seemed like logical for saving money long term. I guess I kind of just thought of it as we could always have the big wedding in the future after we bought our house, we no longer need daycare and we are in a better place. I guess that is not what happened.

[Shard]

Maybe this would better off int he infidelity thread but I can't PM a moderator.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe this would better off int he infidelity thread but I can't PM a moderator.

 

Use the "Alert Us" button at the bottom of each post...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LastAcorn99]

I’m sorry about the situation you’re facing in your marriage. It looks like it would be best for you and your wife to see a marriage counselor again, either together or separately. As you work towards rebuilding your marriage, you and your wife will need to deal with the reasons that caused your wife to stray. All the best!

[Shard]

I would love to see another marriage councellor but she doesn't see the point. She says she isn't resentful over the past. She said that she is happy that we are both in a place of peace and making better choices. Last night we talked for a bit and she said that there nothing else a counselor can help with. When we were in marriage councelling we covered a lot of core issues: past issues, communication issues, poor boundaries, dealing with awkward/stressful issues.

 

It seemed like around the time councelling end things changed. So sometime between April of 2015 to November when the emotional affair started, something happened. In her words she never seeked out another relationship. She said that it started out innocent. This man goes to the same gym as she up until six weeks ago attended. They started off as work out buddies, pushing each other as she said. But then she said she just liked the attention he gave her. SHe claims she doesn't want to be with the guy but admitted that lately she has been wondering on what she might be missing out on. That we dated young and been through so much together. She just wants something exciting to happen. She did say that she didn't want sex or even really an emotional connection, but just a friendship. And she admitted that it got out of hand and takes full responsibility for that.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Shard

[darkmoon]

I would love to see another marriage councellor but she doesn't see the point. She says she isn't resentful over the past. She said that she is happy that we are both in a place of peace and making better choices. Last night we talked for a bit and she said that there nothing else a counselor can help with. When we were in marriage councelling we covered a lot of core issues: past issues, communication issues, poor boundaries, dealing with awkward/stressful issues.

 

It seemed like around the time councelling end things changed. So sometime between April of 2015 to November when the emotional affair started, something happened. In her words she never seeked out another relationship. She said that it started out innocent. This man goes to the same gym as she up until six weeks ago attended. They started off as work out buddies, pushing each other as she said. But then she said she just liked the attention he gave her. SHe claims she doesn't want to be with the guy but admitted that lately she has been wondering on what she might be missing out on. That we dated young and been through so much together. She just wants something exciting to happen. She did say that she didn't want sex or even really an emotional connection, but just a friendship. And she admitted that it got out of hand and takes full responsibility for that.

 

take her to a nudist colony, she wants excitement, any other suggestions?

she has kids, she owes them, imo

Edited October 21, 2016 by darkmoon

[Shard]

take her to a nudist colony, she wants excitement, any other suggestions?

she has kids, she owes them, imo

 

My wife is a wonderful mother. IT would have been so easy for her to continue to hide this affair if my friend didn't tip me off. When she is with our girls she is a differnet woman. She helps our eldest with her homework every night, she is that hands on parent and I envy her for that.

[Lion Heart]

I would love to see another marriage councellor but she doesn't see the point. She says she isn't resentful over the past. She said that she is happy that we are both in a place of peace and making better choices. Last night we talked for a bit and she said that there nothing else a counselor can help with. When we were in marriage councelling we covered a lot of core issues: past issues, communication issues, poor boundaries, dealing with awkward/stressful issues.

 

It seemed like around the time councelling end things changed. So sometime between April of 2015 to November when the emotional affair started, something happened. In her words she never seeked out another relationship. She said that it started out innocent. This man goes to the same gym as she up until six weeks ago attended. They started off as work out buddies, pushing each other as she said. But then she said she just liked the attention he gave her. SHe claims she doesn't want to be with the guy but admitted that lately she has been wondering on what she might be missing out on. That we dated young and been through so much together. She just wants something exciting to happen. She did say that she didn't want sex or even really an emotional connection, but just a friendship. And she admitted that it got out of hand and takes full responsibility for that.

 

Shard I'm also sorry you're here but welcome anyway for what it's worth.

 

In that first paragraph it just STRONGLY appears your WW has checked out of the M. Out of the relationship. Out.

 

I remember feeling JUST this way in my first M. Not about OM so much as desperately unhappy that I had married a very demanding H. We were VERY young also and for forever I couldn't imagine life without him. No kids.

 

I WAS JUST SO UNHAPPY with him.

He was ALWAYS pushing and PUSHING about money. It never ever ended.

Then HE would go and blow money like my efforts were NOTHING.

I had FIVE jobs. I earnt more in 1.5 days in my regular job than he did in a week lounging around in a "family business" (that went bankrupt after we split). I worked my guts out in that family business on very menial pay as NOT my main job. .

No wonder it went bust when I left H.

 

I was EXHAUSTED with him.

His demands.

The monotony.

 

And HIS blowouts.

 

I spent a year contemplating then simply left him after a specific event.

 

I'm sorry but I see many similarities of how I felt to your WW. I didn't use As as a coping mechanism but the field was ripe!!!!

 

EAs are more dangerous to a M than anything else IMHO.

The SUPPORT base and MUTUAL understanding they feel (may not be true but they feel it nonetheless) can fracture a M beyond repair.

 

If the NC letter was not sincere then......

 

A wayward spouse who actively throws their AP under the bus may still not be sincere (as my experiences).

 

If WW doesn't want MC then IMO she's checked out.

 

My 1st H used MC (a male one lol) as a more official forum to blame me for more. I completely shut down. I mean TOTALLY then he did the worst thing a man could do and I got out that day.

 

As the situation appears very much out of your control please monitor your temper. You apoear calm.

 

If she's on the fence? Let her go.

Don't ever promise that you'll have her back.

Do not do the "pick me" dance.

180 only.

 

She may have GIGS entirely.

If so then the 180 may help.

 

But the 180 even during an unsettled M will EMPOWER YOU. Prepare you.

 

See how you go.

 

Best wishes

 

Lion Heart

[Shard]

Lion Heart

 

I know you are right. Deep down inside I know my marriage is over, or very close to being over. She doesn't blame me for feeling this way. It just hurts so badly because I love her and to know that she doesn't feel the same way anymore hurts badly. I'll have to look up on the 180 and start detaching from her.

[Methodical]

If she has checked out, and it sounds like she has, you can't salvage a one-sided relationship.

[Shard]

Thanks everyone. Starting tomorrow I'm going to start detaching from her. I realize begging, and playing pick me, pick me, isn't going to help. Either way like you all say, she is on the fence and I have to force her off it. Either she is willing to work on our marriage or I'll have to move on. This is seriously breaking my heart in a million pieces.

[whichwayisup]

Fact that doesn't believe marriage counseling will help, means she isn't ready nor does she want to work on herself, admit her own faults and make the effort to work with you to get the marriage back on track. Sadly it seem she's detached too much - and can't be bothered to put in the effort to fix things.

 

Do the 180 and rely on her less. Focus on the kids. On yourself. Do counseling on your own just to keep yourself sane and healthy. Your kids need you!

[Friskyone4u]

Shard,

 

Protect yourself and get to an attorney.

 

If you read some of the books on infidelity, one of the reasons that marriages more often dissolve when women enter into affairs is because they are emotionally checked out BEFORE any sex happens.

 

I am not sure why you totally believe she has not slept with him but do not think she may not while you are separated, the justification being your marriage was over in her mind.

 

And you are right, the "pick me game" never works

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shard, sorry to see you here. You have been given some excellent advice on your situation and you would do well to take action along the lines suggested by some of the experienced posters here. I just wanted to add that you and your wife got together when you were very young and then had children more by accident than choice while your wife was still very young. Maybe she was affected by post partum depression compounded by your irresponsible behaviour just when she probably needed you most. She may have felt alienated by your behaviour and gradually, by degrees, she may have grown emotionally distant from you. That being said, she may also feel that by getting into a relationship with you she lost out on her youth when by rights she should have been free to have fun and maybe sow her wild oats. In other words you robbed her of the best and most carefree days of her life and by making her pregnant you tied her down to becoming a parent too soon and getting irrevocably stuck with you. All these factors combined have probably caused latent resentment in her mind and this has now boiled over with her meeting this guy who paid attention to her and made her feel like a desirable woman again.

 

It seems to me from your OP that she is at heart a good woman who has got tired of your shenanigans and your lack of attention to her when she most needed it. In her mind you failed her as a husband and she is finding it difficult to forgive you for it although openly she may not admit it. As others have said your marriage may be over and it may be best for you to let her go. If she herself makes an effort to reach out to you once you start the divorce process you can then decide if she is genuinely interested in being with you and if not then you should gently let her know it won't work out. You wouldn't want a repeat of what you are going through right now. Hope this makes some sense. Warm wishes.

[Shard]

In response to what Just a Guy said.

 

My wife is a wonderful woman, despite becoming emotionally involved with another man.

 

I had come to terms, that despite always being financially there for her and the kids I wasn't always emotionally there. I have had the same job since I was 19. Even after my arrest for assault, which was eventually dropped, and the drinking, and the separation she stood by me. I really do believe she should have left me for good when our youngest was born. Last night was kind of that revelation. That for her, my drinking, and poor choices that I didn't learn from when my first daughter was born was probably a deal breaker for her.

 

At the same time I refuse to make excuses and refuse to take any responsibility for her becoming involved with another man. I take responsibility for being a terrible, then boyfriend and I have taken steps to becoming a better man, better father and really did attempt to be a better partner for her. Right now I am a great father, don't drink, and do everything I possibly can for my family.

 

Which comes to today. I had started to detach from her. Every second Saturday she works, and instead of getting up with her to have breakfast. I slept in. I didn't send her an I love you text like I did most morning. I did do a load of laundry, where some of her clothes were in the mix. I'm not trying to be mean, but I really need to prepare myself emotionally.

 

I did transfer half our savings into my own personal checking account just for my own safe keeping. I'm going to seek a lawyer on Monday. I'm prepared to let her go. She's not happy and I can't make her want to be with me.

[Cephalopod]

Deleted...........................

[Shard]

Day one of detaching done. At first, I didn't think my wife noticed but as we were going to sleep she asked me if I was mad at her. This sparked a three-hour conversation. I told her I wasn't mad. We talked about her affair and my drinking in the past. I ended up telling her if she didn't want to be with me I'd let her go. She said she wants to be happy and wants to get through this rut. She didn't say she wanted a divorce but didn't offer any solutions on how to get through this. So tomorrow will be another day of detaching.

 

I did find limiting the texts and communication to strictly dealing with the kids, and things we needed to run the household efficiently was kind of liberating but very hard. I found it the hardest from sending her random texts and telling her I love her. She did tell me she loved me and I avoided it. It's so hard.

Edited October 23, 2016 by Shard

[mikeylo]

If you hadn't realized earlier but I'm sure you realize now , that you got married for the wrong reasons. So did she.

 

There is nothing to save except the well being of the kids. Emotional detachment doesn't take long once you've been cheated on and the WS prefers complete denial. She's going to continue her affair and gas light you.

 

Divorce is the only option.

[Shard]

I always wanted to marry her. I guess it just took saving money as a reason for us to get it done. For her, I'm sure it's for the wrong reasons hence she was talking to another guy when we went to the courthouse. That is another blow to my ego, but I'm dealing with it.

 

As for her gaslighting me, she hadn't gaslighted me. A small chance she is not telling me the whole truth, but I'm pretty sure she is. She hadn't blamed me for the emotional affair, and the messages were pretty straight forward. She hasn't tried to delete any of them.

 

She has been honest as can be about her feelings; she stopped talking to this guy, and she even stopped going to the gym where they both worked out. She gave me access to everything I didn't have access to before. She even offered up a polygraph test.

 

All of this shows to me that she knew it was wrong. I do believe she had no intentions of things getting out of hand with this other man. As far as I'm sure, he hasn't tried to contact her, and since I found out, her whereabouts have been verified to the best of my ability.

 

But emotionally she is somewhere else. We did over a year of marriage counseling and yet she still feeling lost, and doesn't know what she wants. I can't make her want to see another one. I might be able to convince her to see an individual counselor on her own.

 

I have set in a plan to protect myself, but I'm just going to tread water and see what she decides to do. If she decides to do nothing, I will let her go. She is still here, and she has said she wants to get out of this rut. But if she can't fall back in love with me the way I deserve then I will let her go.

[Jersey born raised]

I suggest you share with her the thought that you viewed providing financial security as something that showed your worth to her. That without it you would be worthless and you never explored anything else that may worth to her. I suggest you study the concept of the 5lovelanguages. That you look into the Meyers-briggs personality types. That you seek either IC or MC to explore how to express your love for her in a way that "hits" home.

 

In short it does no good to speak in Russian to a person who only speaks English.

 

Your marriage may or may not be dead. Try this approach.

[Shard]

She has acknowledged that she appreciated all the support I did provide. I have been a steady income despite many choices I made. But I don't know how that will help now when she is feeling disconnected.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shard, I guess you have done what you could to save your relationship. However, it requires two hands to clap and if your wife is not on board with wanting to reconcile with you and repair the marriage/ relationship then you alone can do nothing about it. It is good to see that she did notice that you were detaching from her. If you have been feeling the heat of her disengaging from you then equally, she should also feel the same. Only when she realizes that her actions are having a reciprocal effect as far as you are concerned, that she will begin to comprehend the gravity of her actions and the possibility that your relationship is on it's deathbed. If she then has an epiphany that the relationship was not really as bad as she had let herself believe, she may take countermeasures to retrieve the situation and get things back on track. If she does so and you think her efforts are genuine and driven by a genuine desire to recover the relationship, you can pitch in and do your bit to get things on track. However, if she appears cool with what is happening, then you have your answer and you can continue pursuing the 180 and pulling away from her. If that be the case you should also engage a lawyer and examine all your options. You can also start the divorce proceeding and have her served as the longer you spend in limbo the note paralysed you are going to feel.

 

Up to now you have done well. Continue on this path unless she shows dome desire to reconcile. Even then do not be in a tearing hurry as she may change her mind if she finds that you are too eager. Just play it cool as if you are more or less done with the relationship and are being dragged into it by her. Hope some of this helps. Warm wishes.

[BuddyX]

Dude, you did all these things to detach yourself (which is smart) and then you spent 3 hours talking. That's counterproductive. The less you talk the better. Conversations about the kids and that's it. Trust me, she'll be pouring all the info to you if you just stay on the detachment plan.

 

When she asks you if your mad, just say no.

 

Ohh, and she said the EA "just happened"... Bullcrap