My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[Shard]

It's been a week and things have come to a standstill. The wife has seen a therapist once and said she didn't want to see one anymore. She is showing more affection toward me and keeps initiated sex. I keep denying and she keeps trying. She has even borderline on clingy. I'm staying focused on my kids because slowly I really do believe by the New Year I'll be filing for divorce and moving on. My wife isn't a terrible person and I do believe she is trying but I'm just not sure she genuinely wants

to be with me and just trying to fall back in love with me. I fear she sees me pulling away and that is the reason for the jump in affection. I don't know how to feel. But I just thought I'd update on what is going on.

[DKT3]

I think you're gone, I don't think there is anything she can do at this point. I recall being at this point, my mind was consumed with what it would look/feel like to raise kids in two different homes.

 

My advice from my experience would be to be more open to her efforts.

[Shard]

If you'd asked me three weeks ago I'd say I'd be willing to do anything to save my marriage, my relationship and to keep my family together. While I'm not 100% done right now. A few previous posters really put things in perspective. What if I'm just trying to hold on to something that naturally comes to an end.

 

Our children are some glue in this whole equation. If they weren't here splitting would have been so much easier. But they are here and both my wife and I want what's best for us. If that means splitting then I'm slowly coming to that point where I have accepted that.

 

Ever since I started to really detach from my wife, and stopped really considering her feelings and doing things for her as a wife it has been liberating. I am really starting to see that I can live a life separate from her.

 

One thing I'm planning on doing is discussing with the wife about some counseling for the children, especially older daughter because of her ADHD and Anxiety Disorder. If we end up divorcing I want her to have as easiest transition as possible.

[Shard]

Last night my wife told me she wanted me to move out. She says we need to separate and she can't decide what she wants with me living here. I told her I wasn't leaving and if she was unhappy she could leave. This morning she acted like nothing was wrong and I didn't say anything in fear she might take off with my kids. I dropped my daughter off at school and my younger daughter off at my mother's house and contacted the lawyer I consulted earlier. WE are getting a temporary custody order set up. I picked up my daughter from school and we are staying at my parent's house awaiting my wife's next move. I told her that I picked up the kids and would talk to her later. She has no idea I had talked to a lawyer. I'm just following his advice.

[Marc878]

Never leave the home. Good job!!!

[Marc878]

Separation isn't good. There can be no work on the marriage and it's usually for one of two things. Prep for divorce or spend time with the other man.

 

Good idea to check your phone bill again if you haven't.

[Shard]

Separation isn't good. There can be no work on the marriage and it's usually for one of two things. Prep for divorce or spend time with the other man.

 

Good idea to check your phone bill again if you haven't.

 

I have had been keeping an eye on the phone records, but I can't do this anymore. It's obvious she wants out and wants me to be the one to pull the plug. This is on her and I'm looking out for number one, my kids and I. Either she'll get her head out of her ass and realize what she is losing or this will be officially the end of us. I'm not fence sitting anymore. No more waiting for her to figure out what the **** she wants.

 

I have contacted and hired a lawyer. I've tried nicing her back, detaching myself from her, offered marriage counseling but she wants out. I have made my own set of bad decisions but this is on her.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Shard

[S2B]

Why would you be waiting on your wife's next move? Take action! Take action yourself!

[Jump Through Loops]

By pulling yourself away from her at this time is a sure way for the marriage to end. The subject title for your thread contains; “How Do I Save My Marriage?”. You won't save it if you don't work with her, as in, work together as a married couple. Yeah yeah, she did wrong and she's now paying for it, but I bet you she's more confused now than she's ever been since you've gone cold on her. Sure, what you're doing now will better prepare you for the end if it comes, but it won't save your marriage if that's what you really want. It's a shame.

[Shard]

By pulling yourself away from her at this time is a sure way for the marriage to end. The subject title for your thread contains; “How Do I Save My Marriage?”. You won't save it if you don't work with her, as in, work together as a married couple. Yeah yeah, she did wrong and she's now paying for it, but I bet you she's more confused now than she's ever been since you've gone cold on her. Sure, what you're doing now will better prepare you for the end if it comes, but it won't save your marriage if that's what you really want. It's a shame.

 

 

When I first came to this post, I had tried everything. I tried to be more attentive, tried to do whatever it took for her to want me, desire me. But she didn't want me. It wasn't until I pulled away that she started showing me more attention. And when she even got a taste of how I felt she gave up. She wants me to move out. IF when she is served, she wants to work on the marriage it's in her ballpark. But right now nothing is happening and I'm at my breaking point. I came home and we are acting normal and she is acting like nothing has changed. She has a chip on her shoulder but we are getting along.

[Shard]

Why would you be waiting on your wife's next move? Take action! Take action yourself!

 

I have taken action. I have hired a lawyer and going to suprise her with papers. I'm working on getting temporary custody arrangement settled. Because this is my last resort and I never wanted this but it looks like it has to be done.

[BluesPower]

Jump Through Loops...She checked out a long time ago, and he is just getting his feet under him.

 

Trust me, he has done all he can.

 

And Shard, Good for you. I know all of this hurts and will hurt but you are doing the right thing.

 

Don't be temped to take her back, because she probably will try, just stay strong and move on with your life. Their are so many great women out there that just want a man to love them properly. They in tern will love you properly and be true to you. And remember that every man has at least one woman that made a fool of them. I doesn't make it hurt less is just is...

[S2B]

I have taken action. I have hired a lawyer and going to suprise her with papers. I'm working on getting temporary custody arrangement settled. Because this is my last resort and I never wanted this but it looks like it has to be done.

 

Good for you. The more you take charge of the outcome = the more you gain your power back.

[Shard]

Jump Through Loops...She checked out a long time ago, and he is just getting his feet under him.

 

Trust me, he has done all he can.

 

And Shard, Good for you. I know all of this hurts and will hurt but you are doing the right thing.

 

Don't be temped to take her back, because she probably will try, just stay strong and move on with your life. Their are so many great women out there that just want a man to love them properly. They in tern will love you properly and be true to you. And remember that every man has at least one woman that made a fool of them. I don't make it hurt less is just is...

 

I still love her and don't want us to divorce but like I said I have no choice. I won't be a doormat anymore. I'm willing to get us another chance in the future, but it'll be on my terms and under my conditions. When I ****ed up, I was allowed back under her conditions, and I met them all. It mind sound controlling but she is in the wrong, and she made these choices, knowing the consequences.

Edited November 9, 2016 by Shard

[Cephalopod]

It's a tired statement but it holds true:

 

You have to be willing to lose a marriage to save it.

[goodyblue]

I am trying to figure out how you just took the kids and didn't go back without her going mental.

[Shard]

I am trying to figure out how you just took the kids and didn't go back without her going mental.

 

We are back at the house. I told her that I going to spend some time with my parents with the kids. The kids and I came home and what she said that night hasn't been brought up again.

[Shard]

I have been doing well with accepting the end of my relationship and the end of my family as I know it. I don't think about her affair as much as I used too. The last couple days when I do, I'm feeling angry. Before I felt sad, a huge hit to my ego and a little angry. But right now I'm starting to feel mad. I don't hate my wife, but it feels ****ty not being wanted.

 

Tonight, she went out for supper with some friend of hers. I stayed home with the children. My daughters and I watched Disney Movies. We were watching the Little Mermaid. And after watching a wedding scene. My older daughter out of the blue said how she was glad her mom and I would be together forever. It was random. All I could do was smile while trying to hold back tears. I'm not a very emotional guy, but that broke me inside I guess.

 

I didn't have the heart to tell her that her mom and I are splitting up. On Monday or Tuesday my wife will be served. The temporary agreement is fair and I'm hoping she doesn't try to fight it. I wanted to wait until after the holidays to pull the plug but I can't keep living this lie. My wife and I are talking but she is no longer showing me any extra affection and I'm continuing to detach myself.

[BluesPower]

Keep detaching and stay strong.

 

FYI, your daughter know institutively what is going on, even if she cannot understand it.

 

And, why are you guys still living together? I forget.

 

The sooner she is out of your day to day life the better.

 

And for what it is worth, her affair is not about you, it is about her. It never was and never will be about you. Getting angry to a point should help you to move on, as much as it still hurts.

 

But it is important for you to understand the she is the one that broke the marriage and the family, and she is the one that does not want to fix it.

 

You are not the bad guy here, she is.

[Shard]

Keep detaching and stay strong.

 

FYI, your daughter know institutively what is going on, even if she cannot understand it.

 

And, why are you guys still living together? I forget.

 

The sooner she is out of your day to day life the better.

 

And for what it is worth, her affair is not about you, it is about her. It never was and never will be about you. Getting angry to a point should help you to move on, as much as it still hurts.

 

But it is important for you to understand the she is the one that broke the marriage and the family, and she is the one that does not want to fix it.

 

You are not the bad guy here, she is.

 

My wife told me almost a week ago she wanted me to move out because she wanted time to think about what she wanted. I said no. The next day I took my girls to my mom's house and contacted a lawyer which she doesn't know of. I came back home because I wanted to keep things low until a temporary order was in place. It is a temporary custody order, where I asked for 50-50 custody arrangement, (switch every three days).

[Marc878]

IMO you're doing the right thing. There is no reason to drag this out for a long period of time. Get it over with and move on with your life. The key is a hard 180.

 

It'll get you where you need to be faster. Cut down on the limbo time.

[Shard]

Update: Wife received the separation papers yesterday.

 

She wasn't mad as I expected. She called me on the phone as I was at work, crying. She told me she didn't really want to separate. She just only said she wanted me to move out because she didn't like being ignored. I told her tough ****.

 

That night we did talk about it. She agreed to the separation and the terms. So we will each get 50-50 custody. So we switch every 3 days, inside the house until we both find our own place then it'll go one week with me and one weeks with her. I'd keep the kids on my health insurance, and I'd give my wife 50.00 a week in child support and cover 60% of the daycare. If this went through the court, I'd have to give her a lot more, even with 50-50 custody, which I probably wouldn't get since our state isn't really father friendly.

 

I was going to just file for divorce and just get it over with but she convinced me to wait until after the holidays. We have the separation papers as protection for the both of us, but I agreed we would still spend time together, and help transition the girls into this new arrangement, and hopefully see if there is anything left to hold on to in our marriage.

 

But I'm leaning toward just ending it and moving on. I'm just emotionally spent, dealing with her back and forthness.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Shard

[BluesPower]

You really just need to end it, she is still trying to use you. Has she looked for a new place yet.

 

Honestly, you need to worry about yourself and your kids, not her. She has made her choice and you are not it.

 

Stay strong and end it ASAP so you can be rid of her.

[Shard]

You really just need to end it, she is still trying to use you. Has she looked for a new place yet.

 

Honestly, you need to worry about yourself and your kids, not her. She has made her choice and you are not it.

 

Stay strong and end it ASAP so you can be rid of her.

 

 

I don't know if she has or not. But I'm not making it my problem. There is a new condo block a few miles from our current home that have openings for February 1st and I know the owners son so I'm considering it. It's two bedrooms, smaller but only 2/3 of the price of the rent on this place. My daughter's would have to share a room. My wife can't afford the rent on this place. And in our lease agreement, once it went to month to month, if one person wants to move out the other one would either have to leave or sign a new lease. My wife can't afford the 1500.00 on this house herself. So she'd have to leave. The wording in the separation is in my favor so she'd have to move or become homeless.

 

Also from a legal standpoint. If she wanted too, she could hire her own lawyer. Worst case scenerio my lawyer gave me was. I could end up with every second weekend, one week day during the week. Based on our incomes, I'd have to pay her 600.00 a month in child support, half the cost of her daycare at the very least. He said he has had similar cases where the man was on the hook for 75% of all medical expenses not covered by insurance, 75% for all extracucullar activities. SO I really don't want to rock the boat.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Shard

[S2B]

Does your wife work?