My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[Shard]

Does your wife work?

 

Yes my wife works but I make more money then she does.

 

I have had the same job since I have been 19 and have had two promotions. My wife is on her fourth job. She took a year off after our first daughter was born and then just went back to work 18 months ago after our youngest was born. I make almost 20K more than she does.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Shard

[Jersey born raised]

Grab the condo. It keeps your daughter in the same school and younger daughter in the same day care. Your lawyer should be screaming at you to do so.

[Shard]

I took the condo and my wife knows it. I move in February 1st. So she is hurrying around trying to get her **** together. She has been crying a lot and the reality of our situation is setting in. She had said a few times she wants to work on our marriage but I told her, she refuses to go to marriage counselling, therapy or do anything to show me she is interested so this is what we are doing.

[Shard]

My wife has booked herself into counselling, has joined a support group and has been showing more effort into our relationship. I told her that I was still moving into the condo come February 1. What I didn't tell her was, if she can keep up with this progress, I'd put the divorce on hold. I had planned on shortly after moving in the condo to filing for divorce. But this change of events gives me a sliver of hope. I won't let it show but I'm watching closely to see what she does. Only time will tell.

[Marc878]

Watch her actions her words are meaningless

[S2B]

My wife has booked herself into counselling, has joined a support group and has been showing more effort into our relationship. I told her that I was still moving into the condo come February 1. What I didn't tell her was, if she can keep up with this progress, I'd put the divorce on hold. I had planned on shortly after moving in the condo to filing for divorce. But this change of events gives me a sliver of hope. I won't let it show but I'm watching closely to see what she does. Only time will tell.

 

Interesting that all of a sudden she will go to counseling while she has said no way all along.

 

Even IF she goes - I'd bet money she blames you...instead of trying to be accountable for her behavior and making changes to improve her relationships.

 

Ask her what exactly SHE plans to get out of her appointments and what changes SHE expects to make in her life.

[Lady2163]

I'm slightly shocked that I read this whole thing.

 

I'm not so shocked that I have a very differing view. One that doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

 

You came here and wanted to save your marriage - and then did everything possible to blow it up.

 

Most people here have glossed over the fact that you are a recovering addict. The fact that she stayed with you should mean something to you. Addicts are emotionally stunted. If you were abusing at age 16 and only quit three years ago, you have the emotionally maturity of a 19 year old.

 

It takes someone emotionally strong to TRULY forgive an addict, move on and then thrive with the addict. I'm not sure how strong she would be.

 

Your immaturity shows in your posts. You manipulate. Your wife tried to bond with you, to connect with you by having sex. Since it didn't meet your standards of fixing the marriage, since the only way you felt to fix it was to go to counseling or for her to "happy up".

 

I'd bet she is clinically depressed. I'm not using that as an excuse, but a possible reason.

 

She made a male friend. And the texts were inappropriate by your standards. And she knew that you would feel betrayed. But I'm also having a problem calling it an emotional affair. She unhesitatingly ended it when you confronted her. She eliminated him from her life and you have no proof she continued. You're certain she didn't have sex with him.

 

Eh, this is all pointless since you've already made your decision and put it in motion. You checked out of the marriage. You did your 180, but most of it reads to me like a pouty child trying to control things and make someone jump through hoops. You manipulated her. You seem to take special glee in "surprising" her with separation papers and not paying the full share of child support the law would require.

 

20 or 30 years from now, your adult daughters may ask what went wrong and want an adult answer. I don't think you will be the winner in the picture. As much as I loathe to blame the victim here, your history of addiction and poor behavior tells me she needed something you couldn't provide.

[Married1988]

I'm slightly shocked that I read this whole thing.

 

I'm not so shocked that I have a very differing view. One that doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

 

You came here and wanted to save your marriage - and then did everything possible to blow it up.

 

Most people here have glossed over the fact that you are a recovering addict. The fact that she stayed with you should mean something to you. Addicts are emotionally stunted. If you were abusing at age 16 and only quit three years ago, you have the emotional maturity of a 19 year old.

 

It takes someone emotionally strong to TRULY forgive an addict, move on and then thrive with the addict. I'm not sure how strong she would be.

 

Your immaturity shows in your posts. You manipulate. Your wife tried to bond with you, to connect with you by having sex. Since it didn't meet your standards of fixing the marriage, since the only way you felt to fix it was to go to counseling or for her to "happy up".

 

I'd bet she is clinically depressed. I'm not using that as an excuse, but a possible reason.

 

She made a male friend. And the texts were inappropriate by your standards. And she knew that you would feel betrayed. But I'm also having a problem calling it an emotional affair. She unhesitatingly ended it when you confronted her. She eliminated him from her life and you have no proof she continued. You're certain she didn't have sex with him.

 

Eh, this is all pointless since you've already made your decision and put it in motion. You checked out of the marriage. You did your 180, but most of it reads to me like a pouty child trying to control things and make someone jump through hoops. You manipulated her. You seem to take special glee in "surprising" her with separation papers and not paying the full share of child to support the law would require.

 

20 or 30 years from now, your adult daughters may ask what went wrong and want an adult answer. I don't think you will be the winner in the picture. As much as I loathe to blame the victim here, your history of addiction and poor behavior tells me she needed something you couldn't provide.

 

It sounds like you are putting all the blame on him. Sending inappropriate texts, sneaking around and telling your marriage issues with the opposite sex, who obviously wants sex is emotionally cheating to the max.

 

From what I read from his thread. He made his mistakes but looks like he has down more than his fair share to make it right. Is it really fair for his mistakes to been thrown back in his face? His addiction issues are in no way an excuse for her taking comfort in another man.

 

If anything my husband's emotional connection with the other woman hurt more than the sex did. What his wife did was selfish? And if she is no willing to make up her mind and want work on the marriage, then his choice to separate was more than fair and not in the least bit childish.

[Lady2163]

It sounds like you are putting all the blame on him. Sending inappropriate texts, sneaking around and telling your marriage issues with the opposite sex, who obviously wants sex is emotionally cheating to the max.

 

From what I read from his thread. He made his mistakes but looks like he has down more than his fair share to make it right. Is it really fair for his mistakes to been thrown back in his face? His addiction issues are in no way an excuse for her taking comfort in another man.

 

If anything my husband's emotional connection with the other woman hurt more than the sex did. What his wife did was selfish? And if she is no willing to make up her mind and want work on the marriage, then his choice to separate was more than fair and not in the least bit childish.

 

I don't discount what his wife did. They've had therapy before, something about it didn't work for her or she didn't like. My concern is that she is clinically depressed and probably should have had medication months, if not years ago.

 

To me, it reads like he drew a line in the sand. Therapy or end it. She tried to connect with him when he withdrew. But since it wasn't therapy, he wasn't having any of it. It reads poorly to me, but that could be the limitations of the Internet. My way or no way.

 

Once he called her out on the texts, she ended it. She didn't gaslight him. She's been transparent.

 

Addicts do a LOT of gaslighting. He probably lied to her and had her twisting for months if not years. Alcohol was his mistress. She's hung in there for three years of sobriety. He didn't make the same attempt for her emotional affair. And I think an addict doing a 180 is not a sound decision. Addicts don't think like non-addicts. His 180 reads like cruelty. Again, he came here to try to save his marriage, but within two days of his 180 implementation, he's ending the marriage.

[Scarlett94]

I'm going to have to agree with lady. I'm shocked to because I see his wife trying and he just shuts her out. He doesn't appear to want the marriage anymore, not her.

[Shard]

Scarlett and Lady

 

I respect your comments but you are both far from the truth.

 

I want my marriage to work. I want my family together but I can't stand being walked all over anymore. I love my wife but I don't feel loved by her. This past week has been the most love, effort, and any sign of anything from her that felt genuine. She had initiated sex and conversations before, but it felt like and came across as her trying to manipulate me.

 

I don't expect her to just forget some addiction issues I had. I don't discount that for a good portion of our relationship that I had a drinking problem. When she quit partying after she got pregnant with older daughter I knew I should have quit then too. I know and aware where my shortcomings are. I have worked on myself and done everything I can do to make it right.

 

I am really just stuck on where to go from here. I tried the pick me dance, detaching from her, but the only thing I haven't tried and it looks like I'm being a coward and that is separating and moving out.

 

Now that I found a place for my time with the girls. She is showing some effort. I'm naturally reattaching to her but is it wrong that I want to be cautious. We both deserve to be happy and if she doesn't feel genuine in her feelings for me and is trying to reconnect for all the wrong reasons. Is that fair to her, me, and most of all our kids?

 

Any insight is appreciated.

[Scarlett94]

Scarlett and Lady

 

I respect your comments but you are both far from the truth.

 

I want my marriage to work. I want my family together but I can't stand being walked all over anymore. I love my wife but I don't feel loved by her. This past week has been the most love, effort, and any sign of anything from her that felt genuine. She had initiated sex and conversations before, but it felt like and came across as her trying to manipulate me.

 

I don't expect her to just forget some addiction issues I had. I don't discount that for a good portion of our relationship that I had a drinking problem. When she quit partying after she got pregnant with older daughter I knew I should have quit then too. I know and aware where my shortcomings are. I have worked on myself and done everything I can do to make it right.

 

I am really just stuck on where to go from here. I tried the pick me dance, detaching from her, but the only thing I haven't tried and it looks like I'm being a coward and that is separating and moving out.

 

Now that I found a place for my time with the girls. She is showing some effort. I'm naturally reattaching to her but is it wrong that I want to be cautious. We both deserve to be happy and if she doesn't feel genuine in her feelings for me and is trying to reconnect for all the wrong reasons. Is that fair to her, me, and most of all our kids?

 

Any insight is appreciated.

 

Separating and moving out seems like it would put distance between you.

So are you planning on regular date nights and family outings?

Sex wise I think totally disconnecting from her would be emotionally distancing.

After my husband's affair we had the typical hysterical bonding. I think it was a way to reconnect.

 

I don't blame you for being cautious.

I guess I'm just not getting from you that she isn't trying.

She seems to be to me.

[BluesPower]

No you are not wrong...

 

Look, you had problems, I understand that. But your wife CHOSE to cheat. That is the bottom line.

 

I have never believed that they have not slept together, most affairs, not all but most, do not work that way.

 

I believe that she wanted to separate so she could be with OM, bottom line.

 

And, she only changes her tune when you are filing for divorce, and ready to move out.

 

That is not the way that it works. She was not remorseful in any way initially.

 

Why would you try to work this out.

 

I maintain that you are on the right track and if she wants to fix this, she can jump through hoops and prove to you that she is remorseful and that she is no longer having an affair with anyone.

 

She is the one that needs to win YOU back not the other way around.

 

Stay the course.

[Shard]

Separating and moving out seems like it would put distance between you.

So are you planning on regular date nights and family outings?

Sex wise I think totally disconnecting from her would be emotionally distancing.

After my husband's affair we had the typical hysterical bonding. I think it was a way to reconnect.

 

I don't blame you for being cautious.

I guess I'm just not getting from you that she isn't trying.

She seems to be to me.

 

In July she sprung a separation on me. I had no idea why. That was the beginning of my pick me dance. I tried to initiate sex, do more around the house, serve her, do extra things for her. I tried whatever I could to get her to reconnect with me. I felt the emotional distance but couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. I thought she maybe depressed. But the more concern I showed, the more she pushed me away.

 

I had to beg to even give me another chance. WE attended four more weeks of marriage counseling and she ended up not wanting to go anywhere. If it wasn't for a friend planting the idea in my head, I would have never suspected she was talking with another man.

 

I found out she was Facebooking and texting this other man before we were even married. I felt a huge blow to my ego. Some don't consider it cheating or think its that big of a deal. But when you are telling another man who clearly, through text wants to bang you, things about your life. This man was literally blowing smoke up my wife's ass. She was eating it up.

 

I spent a month, trying to be a better man. I really paid attention to the things she complained about me about to this other man. I even tried to plan dates. But really I just came across needy.

 

After a month of that ****, I confronted her. She did end contact with that man. For a few weeks, I think she missed him. The attention she gave him. But when faced with what she had done she became quiet. Up until I started to detach, and to detach my feelings for her she was unsure what the hell she wanted.

 

Now that I'm pulling away, she is trying to pull me back in. I guess how I see it from my point of view is I have been trying. I"m just emotionally spent and don't want to be treated like **** anymore.

 

If she really wants to be with me. Then I need some action of it.

[Shard]

No you are not wrong...

 

Look, you had problems, I understand that. But your wife CHOSE to cheat. That is the bottom line.

 

I have never believed that they have not slept together, most affairs, not all but most, do not work that way.

 

I believe that she wanted to separate so she could be with OM, bottom line.

 

And, she only changes her tune when you are filing for divorce, and ready to move out.

 

That is not the way that it works. She was not remorseful in any way initially.

 

Why would you try to work this out.

 

I maintain that you are on the right track and if she wants to fix this, she can jump through hoops and prove to you that she is remorseful and that she is no longer having an affair with anyone.

 

She is the one that needs to win YOU back not the other way around.

 

Stay the course.

 

This is how I feel. I may never know 100% if she ever slept with him. But all the proof I have, and just a gut I have that she hasn't. I am fairly certain she had ended all contact with him.

 

I think her springing a seperation on me was her way to see if she had any control of the situation. She wanted things easier for her to make a decision. I wasn't in the wrong so I wasn't budging.

 

The friend who suggested she may be cheating back in August said that she wants to suddenly work on the relationship, probably because I had developed a backbone.

 

I want us to be together for the right reasons. I love her and our family. I don't think she is this terrible person but just someone who doesn't know what the hell she wants.

[BluesPower]

I hope you are right, but as you know everything points to you being wrong IMHO.

 

She won't confess, she might before you did a polygraph but you don't feel the need.

 

I am not sure that really understand what she did and I understand that you don't want to admit it to yourself.

 

You will just have to see how it works out for you.

[Shard]

I hope you are right, but as you know everything points to you being wrong IMHO.

 

She won't confess, she might before you did a polygraph but you don't feel the need.

 

I am not sure that really understand what she did and I understand that you don't want to admit it to yourself.

 

You will just have to see how it works out for you.

 

 

How I see it, she didn't try to hide it. I had read through those messages from start to finish a million times. He kept asking her for sex and she kept denying it. I just don't see anything that would indicate something is still going on or if it ever went past an emotional affair. I just can't see my wife going to great lengths to pretend like it never happened.

 

It is possible she has had sex with another man but with the man in question not a chance.

[Jersey born raised]

Shard, don't stop working on yourself. Don't stop doing those things that build a better relationship with her. I totally get your reaction to "duty sex".

 

As a couple you separated once before, yet came back together. What lessons did you learn. What did you both do right as a couple?

 

Now is the time to ask a MC to help create a structure to work within while separated. Now is the time for both to fight for the marriage. These things you must say to her. Drop the 180 but agree to discuss some topics only in MC while separated.

 

Read the literature such as 5 love languages, Affair proof your marriage, how to help your spouse heal, etc.

[Lady2163]

Because you have the addict personality, because you don't attend AA meetings regularly, you are just playing a mind game with her. After the crap you out her through in the four years she was clean and sober and you weren't, you are ready to throw the towel in three months after finding out about an e,optional affair.

 

What exactly does she need to do to make things better with you? All you have said is counseling. She's now willing to do that. Because you are a recovering addict, your attitude of "my way or no way" is not a good choice. I predict yiu will continue to move the bar and add hoops unknown to her for her to jump through.

 

I probably should have mentioned I dated an alcoholic who did eventually cheat on me, in retrospect, I had a LOT of emotional affairs with men and women the last few months I was with him. And I'm totally straight. But I needed extra support as he drug me through the mill and needed friends to get me out of the mess I was in. I have no doubt he would have been horrified to learn what I was telling people.

[Jersey born raised]

Lady is right that there are two people each with their own issues in a marriage. Own your side of the street and don't forget to help out with their side of the street regularly.

[Shard]

In the last few weeks, I had decided to attend more AA meetings. I go twice a week at least as that is all the time permits me right now. I understand that the four years she had been sober and I have been drinking excessively, that their was some resentment.

 

I'm glad she agreed to go to counseling. I would love to go see a couple counsellor but she doesn't' want too. She is still unsure and according to her is just trying to find out what she wants. She doesn't want to separate and for me to get my own place.

 

I just want something to happen. I don't want to sit around and wait for her to make up her mind. If she wants to be all in, then I'm more than willing to put 110% into it. But I just feel kind of inflated. She spent almost a year talking to another man. She was talking this man when we got married. I can't help but feel like I'm only at fault.

 

I can't reconcile with someone who isn't even sure they want to be with me.

[Lady2163]

You're keeping it vague. She is willing to go to counseling, just not marriage counseling. That doesn't mean you can't go to marriage counseling.

 

You should find out "why" she doesn't want to go. Did she not like the previous counselor? Then find a new one.

 

Give her something specific that you want her to do that shows she's trying.

 

"I want you to attend six marriage counseling sessions. You can find the marriage counselor."

 

The thing is - I think you've checked out of the marriage already. For whatever reason she needed or wanted another man to flirt with, talk/text with and/or make her feel something that she may have felt was missing. She immediately stopped when confronted. Yet, you are still making her pay.

 

Again - if you hadn't exhibited addict behaviors for four years I'd give you a lot more sympathy. And I would understand your 180. But, alcohol was your mistress and you had an affair with it. If it was bad enough that she threw you out, I can only imagine some of the stuff you pulled. I know this is the infidelity forum and people always believe that infidelity is the absolute worst thing to do to a spouse, but I'd argue that crime, drugs, alcohol and gambling leave victims as well.

 

At the end of the day,Moshe wanted to separate in June or July. She was ready to check out of the marriage. Maybe it was for the other guy, maybe not. Personally, I think both of you are trying to make this work, but it is a lost cause. She's checked out and you're taking glee in rejecting her and making her suffer. Her actions weren't loving and creating a better future for the two of you, but at this stage, neither are yours.

[Zenstudent]

I don't see why OP should be guilted into R with his wife who had checked out, is seeking a replacement and doesn't want to work on the relationship.

 

He doesn't owe her anything and vice versa. So I think both should be allowed to end the marriage.

[Lady2163]

I don't see why OP should be guilted into R with his wife who had checked out, is seeking a replacement and doesn't want to work on the relationship.

 

He doesn't owe her anything and vice versa. So I think both should be allowed to end the marriage.

 

Oh - I think they should end it and start fresh. They just don't know how to treat each other. I just think he plans to make her suffer to ease his ego and wants approval from Internet strangers to do it.

 

She had an innapropriate, non physical friendship with another man. I'm not willing to call it an affair, even an emotional affair. Yes, it was wrong. We don't know all that was said.

[Married1988]

She had an innapropriate, non physical friendship with another man. I'm not willing to call it an affair, even an emotional affair. Yes, it was wrong. We don't know all that was said.

 

A definition of an emotional affair quoted from Wikipedia. "An emotional affair can be defined as: "A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that affects the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage."

 

I strongly dislike people who cheapen and dismiss the severity of an affair, even an emotional affair as just something that was inappropriate. If anything it is the emotional affairs that destroy marriages. You can't tell me her wanting a separation while texting another man, is not an affair. Give me a break.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Married1988