My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[Shard]

Shard,

You both made a Vow to be with each other through, sickness and health, better or worse. Well this is the worse. Can you not power through it?

 

My marriage was a sham from the beginning. I don't really think an emotional affair or a physical affair really makes a difference. She still married me while talking to this other guy. Maybe ending this marriage with the possibility of getting back together in the future is the better option. I love my wife and I remember the woman I met all those years ago, as a teenager. But we are both not those same people and she just doesn't love me the same way I do her.

 

Also to add. I look at our daughter's every night and think about what they deserve. What would I tell them if they were in a similar situation? If they were in a relationship with an addict like my former self I'd tell them to leave. If they were cheated on, and their spouse wasn't sure if they wanted to be with them, I'd tell them to leave. In perspective, we had a lot of up and downs, and we been through a lot. But I wonder if my wife was ever able to truly get past my drinking. Or maybe she just wants to see what else is out there. I don't know.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Shard

[BluesPower]

Let me say this...

 

I have been the stay together guy my whole life. I have put myself through some of the most insane BS that you can imagine and some that you can't.

 

And now I realize that in a relationship where you love someone so much more that they love you in the long run it just will not work. Ever.

 

I went to lunch the other day with one of my old GF's, just lunch by the way. And she still loves me, I could feel it in her looks and when she touched me.

 

During lunch, she made me feel something that I have not felt from my wife in years if ever.

 

Shard, as much as you love your wife, at this point I am going to say end it. If you have doubts that she loves you or not, then she does not.

[Shard]

Let me say this...

 

I have been the stay together guy my whole life. I have put myself through some of the most insane BS that you can imagine and some that you can't.

 

And now I realize that in a relationship where you love someone so much more that they love you, in the long run, it just will not work. Ever.

 

I went to lunch the other day with one of my old GF's, just lunch by the way. And she still loves me, I could feel it in her looks and when she touched me.

 

During lunch, she made me feel something that I have not felt from my wife in years if ever.

 

Shard, as much as you love your wife, at this point I am going to say end it. If you have doubts that she loves you or not, then she does not.

 

That is where it was heading anyway. I already paid for a condo in this school district for February 1st.

[Lady2163]

That is where it was heading anyway. I already paid for a condo in this school district for February 1st.

 

At the end of the day, you're both just toxic for each other. I hope you will get some counseling and continue to work the 12 steps so you're not toxic for someone else or your daughters.

[Shard]

At the end of the day, you're both just toxic for each other. I hope you will get some counseling and continue to work the 12 steps so you're not toxic for someone else or your daughters.

 

You make it seem like it is all my fault that my wife emotionally got involved with another man. She married me knowing she wasn't happy or that this other dude wanted her. I have all intentions to continuing working on myself but at the end of the day, I can safely say that my daughter's have a loving father, who has and will continue to show them that mistakes happen and you can learn from them.

[Lady2163]

You make it seem like it is all my fault that my wife emotionally got involved with another man. She married me knowing she wasn't happy or that this other dude wanted her. I have all intentions to continuing working on myself but at the end of the day, I can safely say that my daughter's have a loving father, who has and will continue to show them that mistakes happen and you can learn from them.

 

You contradict yourself a lot. Others are more sympathetic to that since this is an infidelity forum. Because of your addiction, I'm not as willing to ignore your past behaviors. I believe they continue to shape who you are.

 

Your wife needed to step up and decline marriage. Both because it wasn't for the right reason ($600 a year benefit) and because she was starting to check out if the relationship. She didn't, that is on her.

 

She hung in there during your years of addiction affair and your recovery.

 

She probably shouldn't have. I have a friend who after 22 months of hell from her baby daddy finally cut him loose. She kept making excuses because she felt, "baby deserves to have his/her father in their life." Meanwhile, this guy treated her and baby like crap. I'm guessing that is why your wife stayed with you, because your daughters deserve an intact home. That was the favored decision for the kids, but not right for her.

 

I do have a good male friend who is a lot like you. He was an addict, he pulled a lot of crap, he was mean. When his child was three, his exw had an affair with another woman and twenty plus years later she is still with the same woman. He touted himself as a good father. He put in the time. Never missed a parent teacher conference or event. Never missed a weekend, took his daughter every chance he got. Fought for her any time the ex tried to limit time or screw him over. He may have nickel and dimed the Ex a lot, but he stilled paid for college and never hesitated to buy necessities (just refused to give money and made sure purchased items couldn't be returned).

 

But, twenty plus years later his daughter lives five minutes away from him and rarely sees him. I know people who know her and she is happy, healthy, kind and responsible. While she loves her father, she can't stand the negativity. Her mothers provided her with less negativity but did manage to alienate the father by pointing out some things that were factual. So even though her mom cheated on her dad, even though her mom pulled some crooked things, he is losing at the end of his life. It has all been through his actions and his words. He may have been "right" to refuse to pay an extra $400 for camp when it only cost $200, but the child only knows she didn't get to go to camp because daddy didn't pay. (Sidenote - he knows he dropped the ball on things like this, it took him too long to figure out he needed to pay the camp directly and take the daughter shopping for gear himself. But he learned that too late and was too honest with the daughter. "Mommy is trying to screw daddy by making him pay for something else....")

 

So, your actions for the next X number of years matter. If your wife meets a good man who is a good step parent, you will need to take a road higher than you can imagine. I don't know that you have the skills for that right now, but if you do keep working on yourself, there's potential. Your daughters will forgive their mother for having an EA, just as they will forgive you (and her) for being addicts. It will be ancient history to them.

[Shard]

You contradict yourself a lot. Others are more sympathetic to that since this is an infidelity forum. Because of your addiction, I'm not as willing to ignore your past behaviors. I believe they continue to shape who you are.

 

My addiction to alchohol is not a reason for her to bring another man into our relatinship. When my wife and I met in highschool, we both drank and did party drugs for a number of years. So its not like she was never a heavy drinker. Doesn't excuse myself for not stopping or getting help when older daugher was born though. I'll take responsibility for my actions but won't take blame for hers. There is no contradiction there.

 

 

She hung in there during your years of addiction affair and your recovery.

She probably shouldn't have. I have a friend who after 22 months of hell from her baby daddy finally cut him loose. She kept making excuses because she felt, "baby deserves to have his/her father in their life." Meanwhile, this guy treated her and baby like crap.

 

 

You're right, she should have broken up with me. I wasn't in no place where I should have been in any relationship. But she did and I had stopped drinking and gotten help for myself. I admit and do take responsibility for not being the best boyfriend and father I could have been. I saw my kids every day, made sure they had food on the table, and a roof over their head. But I did drink every day, partied a lot and if I could go back and change those things I would. But I can safely say that I'm a better father now. That is all I can do.

 

 

While she loves her father, she can't stand the negativity. Her mothers provided her with less negativity but did manage to alienate the father by pointing out some things that were factual. So even though her mom cheated on her dad, even though her mom pulled some crooked things, he is losing at the end of his life. It has all been through his actions and his words. He may have been "right" to refuse to pay an extra $400 for camp when it only cost $200, but the child only knows she didn't get to go to camp because daddy didn't pay.

 

So, your actions for the next X number of years matter. If your wife meets a good man who is a good step parent, you will need to take a road higher than you can imagine. I don't know that you have the skills for that right now, but if you do keep working on yourself, there's potential. Your daughters will forgive their mother for having an EA, just as they will forgive you (and her) for being addicts. It will be ancient history to them.

 

I have no doubt that the wife and I can co-parent efficiently. And I'm not that father who will refuse to fork over funds so my kids can enjoy activities. And I hope that at the end of the day if my wife and I break up for good, she can find someone better suited for her. I hope she meets someone who is good to her and most importantly good to my kids. If any potential future step-parent of my children is nice to them, doesn't try take over as their father and is a good role model then I'm totally on board. I expect the same curiosity from the wife. One day I hope to find a decent woman who is nice to my kids and will respect my wife's role as their mother.

 

I'm just glad I stopped drinking while the kids were young so their fondest memories of me wasn't drinking. And also I'm not a real negative person. I'm just really but hurt that my wife wanted another man and that brings out some of my worst traits.

[Have no idea]

Can i ask, have you or your wife ever been diagnosed with depression or something else? Sorry if I missed this in the thread. I thought Might explain past drinking and partying. Have you considered talking to a therapist by yourself? Given the complicated situation and history it might be worth it. And also just because you have been to therapy before with your wife doesn't mean it still can't help now. The situation has changed since you last went. I doubt you covered the topic of your wife having feelings for someone else in your sessions together. Even if the aim of therapy is not to stay together it could help. And to help ensure both your wife and you end up with the best relationship with your kids.

It is admirable you cleaned yourself up for your children. Addiction im sure is not easy to break.

[Shard]

A lot has happened since I last posted. This may be kind of long so bear with me.

 

About a week before Christmas, my wife and I went for coffee to discuss on how we were going to handle telling our oldest daughter about the separation because of her anxiety disorder. Anyway, we ended up not discussing it.

 

A few minutes after we were sitting down our song began playing. One of our songs from when we first started dating. It brought back many memories back when we used to sit in my parent's basement and we would listen to this particular song over and over again.

 

After the song stopped playing, my wife was in tears. She then started talking about some of our memories together. So the next couple hours was full of laughter and reminiscing.

 

We left in a good place. This has been the happiest either of us had been in for a long time. When we got home, we put the kids to bed and sat up until nearly sunrise talking. Not about separating or about our relationship but about politics, about things happening in the world. We used to spend many hours in the past talking and debating about things. It was really refreshing getting back to that place.

 

Anyway, the remaining days leading up to Christmas, it felt like something switched. Old parts of my wife returned. She smiled a lot more, and that distance between us seemed to vanish. We didn't talk about the separation or anything. For the first time since summer, things felt normal. We had a great Christmas. That night I had to go sit in my truck and I cried. Because I felt really overwhelmed.

 

The following day (boxing day) was much of the same. But I knew I couldn't avoid bringing up the separation again as we needed to leave our notice and still needed to talk to our daughter about the changes. But I really didn't want too. But I initiated the conversation telling her we needed to talk about what we were going to tell our daughters.

 

At first, she avoided the question and then went and locked herself in the bedroom for over an hour. When she came out she came and sat on the couch beside me and asked if we really wanted to separate. I told her that I wanted us to be happy and if she wasn' happy with me than this was the best thing for us. She didn't say much else.

 

The last three days had been weird. She has been off, not so much avoiding me but not herself. We went to bed, and she had woken me up a few hours ago. She told me she didn't want a divorce. That she wanted to give us one more chance. She told me to think about it and we'd talk about it tomorrow.

 

So here I am up, with a million emotions going through my mind. I do believe reality has opened both our eyes. I want to believe she really wants to be with me. I want to be with her and save our marriage. The coffee shop, the long conversations, the glimpses of the wife I remember resurfacing. I really want to give us another chance.

[BuddyX]

Bread crumbs. That's what she's throwing you. You pressed her for a real conversation and she locked herself in her room. Real mature. She's doing what's best for her, not the kid.

 

If she was interested in the well being of the kid, she'll sit you down and lay out a plan. But nope, she'll rather listen to a song and reminisce about the old times. Um, if she's so inclined to discuss the past, you can talk about the affair.

 

"What's best for the kid" is the only conversation you should be having.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shard, it does seem a lot has happened between your last post and the previous one. Maybe it is the spirit of Christmas or maybe destiny is playing it's part. Maybe, as you say, reality has woken you both up from a deep and dreamless sleep but what you have to say is definitely heartening. I know that the realistic thing is to be cynical like Buddy but then where is the mystery and charm that a rekindled love brings with it?

 

I think your wife has suddenly realized that she is standing at the edge of the cliff of your marriage. If she jumps or falls over, there will be no retracing her steps. The realization that she shares history with you which will always be an inseparable part of her is more important to her than the thrill of a fling with someone new, someone she does'nt share that history with. I may be wrong in my assessment and tomorrow she may still choose her AP over you. Only time will tell but the chain of events as narrated by you in your last post seem to indicate otherwise. My suggestion would be that you play it by ear. Don't be hasty in anything you do but keep your eyes and ears open to your wife's behaviour and her actions. If you find things amiss proceed with your plans for separation. If, on the other hand, she seems to have genuinely turned over a new leaf and shows this by her behaviour and actions then you know what to do. Whatever it is that lies in your future I wish you the very best in it. Maybe you have been given the biggest Christmas gift you could ever have hoped for. Cheers!

[Mr. Lucky]

The last three days had been weird. She has been off, not so much avoiding me but not herself. We went to bed, and she had woken me up a few hours ago. She told me she didn't want a divorce. That she wanted to give us one more chance. She told me to think about it and we'd talk about it tomorrow.

 

Given her history, how do you know she's not still in touch with her AP? Is she being transparent and accountable in her actions? And more importantly, are you demanding it?

 

The issues with your addiction demand you address it. So do the implications of her infidelity. To ignore either doesn't give you much chance for a successful marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shard]

You pressed her for a real conversation and she locked herself in her room. Real mature. She's doing what's best for her, not the kid.

 

That had crossed my mind, but at the same time she has always done that when she is feeling upset and overwhelmed. So it's hard to say what he true intentions were.

 

I may be wrong in my assessment and tomorrow she may still choose her AP over you. Only time will tell but the chain of events as narrated by you in your last post seem to indicate otherwise. My suggestion would be that you play it by ear. Don't be hasty in anything you do but keep your eyes and ears open to your wife's behaviour and her actions. If you find things amiss proceed with your plans for separation. If, on the other hand, she seems to have genuinely turned over a new leaf and shows this by her behaviour and actions then you know what to do. Whatever it is that lies in your future I wish you the very best in it. Maybe you have been given the biggest Christmas gift you could ever have hoped for. Cheers!

 

This has crossed my mind as well. Only she has cut contact with the other man back when I confronted her. I mean there is always a slim chance she has another affair partner lurking, but I highly doubt it. I have access to her phone as I pay the bill, her computer she agreed to move into the living room, so that leaves little room for her to be sneaky. Entirely possible she has a burner phone that someone is paying for. But I just dont' see it as all her free time is tied up.

 

Given her history, how do you know she's not still in touch with her AP? Is she being transparent and accountable in her actions? And more importantly, are you demanding it?

 

The issues with your addiction demand you address it. So do the implications of her infidelity. To ignore either doesn't give you much chance for a successful marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I briefed on this above but all indications I have is saying she hasn't. Her time beside work is accounted for. She has been transparent. I have access to all emails, social media, and her phone that I know of. She is not acting secretive. She has been where she says she will be. She is not blaming me for any of it. She just seems disconnected and on the fence. On two separate occasions, she has wanted to separate. Now that we are actually separating, she doesn't want it. So I can't help but feel something. I only initiate a separation because I didn't want to keep living like this.

 

 

_____________________________________________

 

So that comes up with my update. I'm still moving out February 1st and I told my wife this morning, but I also told her I'd hold on on divorce for a while. I told her she on multiple occasions wanted to separate and that she told me she wasn't sure she was in love with me. So I was just giving her what she wanted. I told her we can still work on our marriage but I wasn't going to play back and forth with her. She didn't seem like she liked the answer but agreed to it. The rest of the morning went as normal. She hugged me goodbye as she left to go to work. I dropped the kids off at daycare and I'm on my way to drop off my notice with the current landlord and then heading to work.

 

I just see it, if she genuinely wants to be with me, then this will ultimately be the test. Because I just can't live like this anymore.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Shard

[Marc878]

Rugsweeping this without addressing the issues will just be a repeat. The feel good now won't last long. If the Affair is ongoing you have zero chance.

 

R just doesn't happen

[Shard]

Rugsweeping this without addressing the issues will just be a repeat. The feel good now won't last long. If the Affair is ongoing you have zero chance.

 

R just doesn't happen

 

 

I agree, that is why I'm not just taking her word for it. I'm seperating as usual but not going straight for divorce.

[BuddyX]

You keep defending her behavior. I.e. "That's how she deals with it"

 

No more. This is adult business (We're talking about Divorce here). If she pulls that crap again don't respond, don't go after her.

 

And for god sakes don't tip your hand. I bet my money she'll be on her best behavior till Feb 1st.

[Shard]

You keep defending her behavior. I.e. "That's how she deals with it"

 

No more. This is adult business (We're talking about Divorce here). If she pulls that crap again doesn't respond, don't go after her.

 

And for god sakes don't tip your hand. I bet my money she'll be on her best behavior till Feb 1st.

 

I bet my money she will too and I hope she does because she knows February 1st that I'm moving into my condo. I only said I would hold off divorcing her but nothing about separating. I have the legal separation papers, which she agreed too. I get my kids 50% of the time. I have a place set up to move too. She is dragging her feet so will likely move back in with her parents. I want to be with her but I'm not playing games with her. If she is willing to work on our marriage than in the future we can always be reunited as a family.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Shard

[BuddyX]

My ExWife didn't really mind the LSeperation. In fact, that took less then a month. Once I told her I'm proceeding with the divorce, all hell broke loose. Took that broad 18 months to finally commit to the Divorce. And oh yeah, in the meantime she had a guy she was seeing.

 

It's called cake eating.

[Shard]

My ExWife didn't really mind the LSeperation. In fact, that took less then a month. Once I told her I'm proceeding with the divorce, all hell broke loose. Took that broad 18 months to finally commit to the Divorce. And oh yeah, in the meantime she had a guy she was seeing.

 

It's called cake eating.

 

 

 

I mean everything realistically is already accounted for. Come February 1st, she'll have her half of the savings and I'll have my half. I'll have my own place and I'll cut her a check for the agreed upon child support because I make more money than her. SO really it'll be like living apart. I've seen a lawyer all ready and everything, is finished. Heck even my health insurance ends for her come February 1st. So there is really nothing she's gaining from a legal seperation vs a divorce, except the chance of reconciling. If I decide to just go for a full divorce, there is really nothing to fight for. Her actions will speak louder than words. If she wants to be with me than she needs to show me through actions she wants to be with me. These past two weeks just showed me there is still love between us. Whether she is willing to do the work is up to her. I can only worry about myself.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Shard

[understand50]

I mean everything realistically is already accounted for. Come February 1st, she'll have her half of the savings and I'll have my half. I'll have my own place and I'll cut her a check for the agreed upon child support because I make more money than her. SO really it'll be like living apart. I've seen a lawyer all ready and everything, is finished. Heck even my health insurance ends for her come February 1st. So there is really nothing she's gaining from a legal seperation vs a divorce, except the chance of reconciling. If I decide to just go for a full divorce, there is really nothing to fight for. Her actions will speak louder than words. If she wants to be with me than she needs to show me through actions she wants to be with me. These past two weeks just showed me there is still love between us. Whether she is willing to do the work is up to her. I can only worry about myself.

 

OK, good stuff, but have you sat her down and told her in no uncertain terms, what you expect if you are to reconcile? Sometimes, I think we beat around the bush to much hoping the other can read our minds. If you ahve done this, great, but if not wire her a letter Lay it out. In this way you will know you left a trail for her to follow.

 

I wish you luck.

[Shard]

OK, good stuff, but have you sat her down and told her in no uncertain terms, what you expect if you are to reconcile? Sometimes, I think we beat around the bush to much hoping the other can read our minds. If you ahve done this, great, but if not wire her a letter Lay it out. In this way you will know you left a trail for her to follow.

 

I wish you luck.

 

WE had talked at length about what I expect. When she kicked me out for drinking, she gave me conditions I needed to do to even be allowed back in the house. My wife had done everything I asked, like ending the affair, quitting the gym and giving me access to her social media, phone etc. Those are non-negotiable just like the conditions given to me were non-negotiable.

 

What I told her I needed from her was I needed a commitment, her to go to counseling, heck I'm going to start seeing one because this whole ordeal has taken a toll to my self-esteem. I want to see some consistency so I feel secure in "us" because frankly lately all I've been seeing is indecisiveness from her. I can't work with that.

 

I have started attending AA again once a week. Not because I had relapsed or anything but because the added support is good. I want to be a safe person for myself, my girls and for any relationship even if it isn't with her.

[Marc878]

Separation usually means more time for the other man. Don't get surprised when he shows up after you leave.

 

If it were me I'd file the next day

[Shard]

Separation usually means more time for the other man. Don't get surprised when he shows up after you leave.

 

If it were me I'd file the next day

 

I will makes sure that is 100% clear to her to as well. So much of her becoming indecisiveness, blaming me for any part of it, I find out she has had contact with him or any guy while trying to work on things with me. I'll just have the marriage end officially. Not much difference between LS and divorce since everything is signed and agreed upon.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, So what is happening with your situation now that it is the New Year? Hope everything is smooth sailing. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Sorry that should have been Shard and not Drone. Apologies.