My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[Shard]

My ExWife didn't really mind the LSeperation. In fact, that took less then a month. Once I told her I'm proceeding with the divorce, all hell broke loose. Took that broad 18 months to finally commit to the Divorce. And oh yeah, in the meantime she had a guy she was seeing.

 

It's called cake eating.

 

 

 

I mean everything realistically is already accounted for. Come February 1st, she'll have her half of the savings and I'll have my half. I'll have my own place and I'll cut her a check for the agreed upon child support because I make more money than her. SO really it'll be like living apart. I've seen a lawyer all ready and everything, is finished. Heck even my health insurance ends for her come February 1st. So there is really nothing she's gaining from a legal seperation vs a divorce, except the chance of reconciling. If I decide to just go for a full divorce, there is really nothing to fight for. Her actions will speak louder than words. If she wants to be with me than she needs to show me through actions she wants to be with me. These past two weeks just showed me there is still love between us. Whether she is willing to do the work is up to her. I can only worry about myself.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Shard

[understand50]

I mean everything realistically is already accounted for. Come February 1st, she'll have her half of the savings and I'll have my half. I'll have my own place and I'll cut her a check for the agreed upon child support because I make more money than her. SO really it'll be like living apart. I've seen a lawyer all ready and everything, is finished. Heck even my health insurance ends for her come February 1st. So there is really nothing she's gaining from a legal seperation vs a divorce, except the chance of reconciling. If I decide to just go for a full divorce, there is really nothing to fight for. Her actions will speak louder than words. If she wants to be with me than she needs to show me through actions she wants to be with me. These past two weeks just showed me there is still love between us. Whether she is willing to do the work is up to her. I can only worry about myself.

 

OK, good stuff, but have you sat her down and told her in no uncertain terms, what you expect if you are to reconcile? Sometimes, I think we beat around the bush to much hoping the other can read our minds. If you ahve done this, great, but if not wire her a letter Lay it out. In this way you will know you left a trail for her to follow.

 

I wish you luck.

[Shard]

OK, good stuff, but have you sat her down and told her in no uncertain terms, what you expect if you are to reconcile? Sometimes, I think we beat around the bush to much hoping the other can read our minds. If you ahve done this, great, but if not wire her a letter Lay it out. In this way you will know you left a trail for her to follow.

 

I wish you luck.

 

WE had talked at length about what I expect. When she kicked me out for drinking, she gave me conditions I needed to do to even be allowed back in the house. My wife had done everything I asked, like ending the affair, quitting the gym and giving me access to her social media, phone etc. Those are non-negotiable just like the conditions given to me were non-negotiable.

 

What I told her I needed from her was I needed a commitment, her to go to counseling, heck I'm going to start seeing one because this whole ordeal has taken a toll to my self-esteem. I want to see some consistency so I feel secure in "us" because frankly lately all I've been seeing is indecisiveness from her. I can't work with that.

 

I have started attending AA again once a week. Not because I had relapsed or anything but because the added support is good. I want to be a safe person for myself, my girls and for any relationship even if it isn't with her.

[Marc878]

Separation usually means more time for the other man. Don't get surprised when he shows up after you leave.

 

If it were me I'd file the next day

[Shard]

Separation usually means more time for the other man. Don't get surprised when he shows up after you leave.

 

If it were me I'd file the next day

 

I will makes sure that is 100% clear to her to as well. So much of her becoming indecisiveness, blaming me for any part of it, I find out she has had contact with him or any guy while trying to work on things with me. I'll just have the marriage end officially. Not much difference between LS and divorce since everything is signed and agreed upon.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Drone, So what is happening with your situation now that it is the New Year? Hope everything is smooth sailing. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Sorry that should have been Shard and not Drone. Apologies.

[Shard]

The last couple days have been stressful. On New Years Day, we sat down with our daughters and told them we were seperating. We told them, that we loved them, but we are having some problems, which have noting to do with them or in any way their fault, and that we would be going our seperate ways. THe first thing my older duaghter asked was if it was forever. We told her we didn't know but we would let her know and answer any questions we had. Our younger daughter didn't really understand, and didn't seem sad.

 

That night our older daughter wouldn't go to sleep. She was saying she was scared of the dark, she even wet the bed, something she hadn't done in two years. The following days she has been having tantrums, not listening and bullying her sister. We are trying to distract her while we wait for her appointment with the councellor. I expected this out of her, so I mentally prepared myself for it.

 

As for my wife and I. We had talked about where we are going from here. She is going to rent out the basement in her sister's basement. I made it clear about what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. I told her if I find out she is talking, flirting, texting inapproriately another man I would be done. If she wanted to truly be with me, then I needed to see some consistency. WE both agreed we would benefit from seeking individual therapy and we'd still go on date nights and possibly some family outings. But we will be living seperately, fiancially.

[sandylee1]

I hope you are able to work things out in time. There's been a lot of negativity from some on this thread, but maybe after seperation, you can reconnect with each other. If not, then be the best coparents that you can.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I believe that most relationships can be saved, if both parties work to resolve the issues. There are appears to be lots of trust issues and animosity on both sides. You can separate or stay together, but I just don't see anyway for this to be fixed unless you two go to professional counseling.

[Chaparral]

The last couple days have been stressful. On New Years Day, we sat down with our daughters and told them we were seperating. We told them, that we loved them, but we are having some problems, which have noting to do with them or in any way their fault, and that we would be going our seperate ways. THe first thing my older duaghter asked was if it was forever. We told her we didn't know but we would let her know and answer any questions we had. Our younger daughter didn't really understand, and didn't seem sad.

 

That night our older daughter wouldn't go to sleep. She was saying she was scared of the dark, she even wet the bed, something she hadn't done in two years. The following days she has been having tantrums, not listening and bullying her sister. We are trying to distract her while we wait for her appointment with the councellor. I expected this out of her, so I mentally prepared myself for it.

 

As for my wife and I. We had talked about where we are going from here. She is going to rent out the basement in her sister's basement. I made it clear about what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. I told her if I find out she is talking, flirting, texting inapproriately another man I would be done. If she wanted to truly be with me, then I needed to see some consistency. WE both agreed we would benefit from seeking individual therapy and we'd still go on date nights and possibly some family outings. But we will be living seperately, fiancially.

 

Stay strong. I think you need to make a short succinct list of what you need from your wife. I do think you need to date your wife. Men have to never stop romancing their wives. By the same token, it is ancient knowledge that husbands and wives are the main ingredient in a marriage. Children come second to spouses. Children grow up and leave home at least they used too. haha

 

Be careful though, distance makes the heart grow fonder but statistics say 80% of separations end in divorce. At this point the 180 should end. You both work toward saving the marriage. Talk to your counselor and give your self goals and a timeline to work under. Don't just play it by ear.

 

Heard this song this morning and thought of you. Sang by a great female singer but its a disco song that still makes sense.

 

Good luck and prayers for your family.

 

Chap

 

[Chaparral]

BTW, did you say you read the MMSLP book?

[S2B]

A lot has happened since I last posted. This may be kind of long so bear with me.

 

About a week before Christmas, my wife and I went for coffee to discuss on how we were going to handle telling our oldest daughter about the separation because of her anxiety disorder. Anyway, we ended up not discussing it.

 

A few minutes after we were sitting down our song began playing. One of our songs from when we first started dating. It brought back many memories back when we used to sit in my parent's basement and we would listen to this particular song over and over again.

 

After the song stopped playing, my wife was in tears. She then started talking about some of our memories together. So the next couple hours was full of laughter and reminiscing.

 

We left in a good place. This has been the happiest either of us had been in for a long time. When we got home, we put the kids to bed and sat up until nearly sunrise talking. Not about separating or about our relationship but about politics, about things happening in the world. We used to spend many hours in the past talking and debating about things. It was really refreshing getting back to that place.

 

Anyway, the remaining days leading up to Christmas, it felt like something switched. Old parts of my wife returned. She smiled a lot more, and that distance between us seemed to vanish. We didn't talk about the separation or anything. For the first time since summer, things felt normal. We had a great Christmas. That night I had to go sit in my truck and I cried. Because I felt really overwhelmed.

 

The following day (boxing day) was much of the same. But I knew I couldn't avoid bringing up the separation again as we needed to leave our notice and still needed to talk to our daughter about the changes. But I really didn't want too. But I initiated the conversation telling her we needed to talk about what we were going to tell our daughters.

 

At first, she avoided the question and then went and locked herself in the bedroom for over an hour. When she came out she came and sat on the couch beside me and asked if we really wanted to separate. I told her that I wanted us to be happy and if she wasn' happy with me than this was the best thing for us. She didn't say much else.

 

The last three days had been weird. She has been off, not so much avoiding me but not herself. We went to bed, and she had woken me up a few hours ago. She told me she didn't want a divorce. That she wanted to give us one more chance. She told me to think about it and we'd talk about it tomorrow.

 

So here I am up, with a million emotions going through my mind. I do believe reality has opened both our eyes. I want to believe she really wants to be with me. I want to be with her and save our marriage. The coffee shop, the long conversations, the glimpses of the wife I remember resurfacing. I really want to give us another chance.

 

Mainly, what did she say she planned to change about herself in order to avoid the divorce?

 

Is she willing to completely change the way she participates within your marriage?

 

And I'm not sure how you plan to monitor her ever move regarding communicating/seeing someone else when she moves to her sisters basemnet? If you plan to trust her - good luck. If you plan to policeher = that's exhausting...

[Shard]

A little over two weeks until I move. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything. Even though we have discussed and agreed to try to reconcile while we separate, it just really hitting me.

 

As for those who are asking how I can monitor her. I can't for sure monitor her one hundred percent. I still have access to her social media, and email. Sure she can open a new email account to continue to cheat, or meet someone else. I do think I might drive by her place or where she says she is at odd times to see if she is really there. I'm not going to be super vigilant because I don't want to drive myself crazy.

 

I hope in the end we both can come out of this better people. I hope we end this journey together but if not, I'm okay with that too.