My wife has emotionally checked out. How do I save my marriage?

[mikeylo]

Dude, you did all these things to detach yourself (which is smart) and then you spent 3 hours talking. That's counterproductive. The less you talk the better. Conversations about the kids and that's it. Trust me, she'll be pouring all the info to you if you just stay on the detachment plan.

 

When she asks you if your mad, just say no.

 

Ohh, and she said the EA "just happened"... Bullcrap

 

^^^ this.

Nothing happens on its own. We all make conscious decisions. Because she can't have her cake and eat it too, she is finding the easy way out.

 

She will continue because she want to and moreover because she can.

[Shard]

The detaching is getting to her. Way more than I had ever imagined it would. Yesterday I purposely kept myself busy, even when I wasn't busy. Even when we made our weekly trip to the grocery store (I only went, so the kids didn't notice something amiss) I barely did any talking, no mention of going out to eat or anything. I acted like I was tired. When we got home, I spend most of the afternoon playing video games with my daughters. I even took the lead and made supper, and put the kids to bed (where she is usually the one who just starts). In as much as a nonmean way as possible, I just pushed her aside. If she asked a question or needed something, I did it with a smile on my face, but nothing extra. I didn't initiate anything. I wanted her to see that I could live without her and remain civil.

 

I went to bed early last night. I did tell her I was going to bed. I didn't initiate sex, and when she wanted too, I told her I was too tired. I couldn't sleep for a few hours, so I played on my phone. I heard her come upstairs around 11 pm and she turned on the shower, then I listened to her crying. I had to fight not going to comfort her. I woke up at 3 am once again not being able to sleep. She had come to bed, and I had this urge to check her phone. There was a two-hour conversation from shortly after I heard her crying to about 1:30 am to her mom. She only ever calls my mother in law late at night if something is bothering her.

 

So far this whole experience has been taking it's emotional toll on me. I meet up with a lawyer this afternoon. Just for a consultation. I'm feeling extra down in the dumps. This is not what I want at all but realize it is a huge possibility.

[Cephalopod]

You will go through the roller-coaster of emotions. This will last about the first year, so buckle up. As you begin detaching each day will get better. Print out the 180 and study it every morning and night until it is fixed in your head. Only talk to your WW about household, kids and divorce. No more relationship talk. Just don't even engage her. When she starts in, hold up your hand and say "I'm not talking about this with you." Then turn around around and walk out of the room. After you do that about a dozen times, she will get the hint that R is off the table.

 

Your WW is too much of a coward to pull the plug on the marriage, so she is forcing you to do it. Her words say she is not sure, but her actions are telling you that you have been friend-zoned. The offers of sex are just to keep you strung along until she makes her exit.

 

What you have to decide is if you want to play the role of bad spouse who broke up the marriage . She wants you to play this role so she can come out of this whole situation smelling like a rose. She will tell everyone that she did what she could to save the marriage, when in reality she just wants to make you the scapegoat to save her reputation. This is why select disclosure of her affair to friends and family is so important. Because she will blame the breakup on your drinking and neglect, and gloss over any mention of her misdeeds.

[Shard]

 

She will tell everyone that she did what she could to save the marriage, when in reality she just wants to make you the scapegoat to save her reputation. This is why select disclosure of her affair to friends and family is so important. Because she will blame the breakup on your drinking and neglect, and gloss over any mention of her misdeeds.

 

I'm to comment on this first. I had thought about that up until an hour ago. I thought when things really got messy she was going to tell everyone that I was this horrible husband.

 

Anyway an hour ago, during lunch break at work I realized her mother called me. SO I called her back and we talked and she asked me if I was going to leave my wife. And I asked why she thought that. I was fishing to find out what my wife had said since she had talked to her for a few hours last night. She told me she was sorry for what her daughter (my wife) had done. So my wife admitted to her mom about the emotional affair. So she told her mom what happened so now at the very least her mother knows.

 

 

 

Only talk to your WW about household, kids and divorce. No more relationship talk. Just don't even engage her. When she starts in, hold up your hand and say "I'm not talking about this with you." Then turn around around and walk out of the room. After you do that about a dozen times, she will get the hint that R is off the table.

 

I am open to reconciling with her but she has to give me something to work with. I knew since confronting her that we wouldn't work out if she didn't give me something to work with hence why I came here just to have someone to tell me the same thing and for support. As for detaching, I'm going to detach from her on a personal level while acting as normal as possible in front of our daughters. My oldest daughter is a very anxious child so trying not to disrupt her life in any way unless we are 100% are going to separate and break up.

 

 

Her words say she is not sure, but her actions are telling you that you have been friend-zoned. The offers of sex are just to keep you strung along until she makes her exit.

 

I will continue to refuse sex. Like others have pointed out, I can't allow her to cake-eat (is that the right term?) and I refuse to be in a friends with benefit type relationship.

[Cephalopod]

Are you dead certain her affair never went physical?

 

I can't shake the feeling that her reticence to R is due to the fact that the affair may be ongoing. It is quite possible she and her OM have found a way to circumvent your monitoring.

Edited October 24, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Shard]

No, I can't be 100% certain the affair is still ongoing or not. As for a physical affair. I'm 99% sure she didn't have one at least not with this guy. She could or had one with someone else, but with the man in question, I don't think so. He asked her multiple times with the last one being a week before I finally confronted her and she kept saying no. This was all during texting. Unless this is some elaborate plan to cover up it being a physical affair which I don't buy because there were some pretty sexual and personal conversations going on between them that if she thought I was catching on to her texts, I can't see her continuing texting him.

 

As for as her going out and still seeing this guy at the gym or by phone, I know its possible but I don't think she is doing currently. Her whole day is occupied, and I can't see when she would have a free moment to do it. She could look at work, but she works a high demanding job, and it wouldn't leave room to text. I could always look at the phone bills because the cells are in my name. It's possible she could have gotten a throwaway phone, but again we only ever use credit so he'd have to buy it for her.

 

I don't know. I'm just going to assume for now that they are no contact. Because if she doesn't want me anymore, what contact she has this man is no longer my problem but if she decides she wants to try and save our marriage, then I'll be a little more vigilante about it.

[Lion Heart]

Dear Shard, you're doing really well. I apologize for inserting my post in UPPER CASE throughout your post.

There were points I wanted to address specifically.

:-)

 

 

No, I can't be 100% certain the affair is still ongoing or not. As for a physical affair. I'm 99% sure she didn't have one at least not with this guy. She could or had one with someone else, but with the man in question, I don't think so. He asked her multiple times with the last one being a week before I finally confronted her and she kept saying no. This was all during texting. Unless this is some elaborate plan to cover up it being a physical affair which I don't buy because there were some pretty sexual and personal conversations going on between them that if she thought I was catching on to her texts, I can't see her continuing texting him.

 

I DOUBT SHE DID EITHER.

SHE WOULD HAVE DELETED EVERYTHING IF SHE THOUGHT YOU'D EVER FIND THOSE TEXTS.

SHE MAY HAVE A BURNER PHONE BUT THAT'S UP TO HER AT THIS STAGE I SEE...

 

 

As for as her going out and still seeing this guy at the gym or by phone, I know its possible but I don't think she is doing currently. Her whole day is occupied, and I can't see when she would have a free moment to do it. She could look at work, but she works a high demanding job, and it wouldn't leave room to text. I could always look at the phone bills because the cells are in my name. It's possible she could have gotten a throwaway phone, but again we only ever use credit so he'd have to buy it for her.

 

DOES SHE STILL ATTEND THE SAME GYM???

WOW THAT'S TRUST!

 

SHARD SHE WORKS THE SAME JOB. RIGHT?

As rational as you are sounding online which is GREAT! REMEMBER THAT WW CARRIED OUT all of her previous shenanigans in the SAME job. Same gym etc. The only difference is that you KNOW now.

 

I don't know. I'm just going to assume for now that they are no contact. Because if she doesn't want me anymore, what contact she has this man is no longer my problem but if she decides she wants to try and save our marriage, then I'll be a little more vigilante about it.

 

SO it appears you've put the 180 into action more or less.

 

After a very ROCKY and confusing number of weeks / months post D Day here, I began the 180 personally.

(I began the FINANCIAL 180 immediately and cut him off from any financial support COMPLETELY. ie began immediately getting my ducks in a row).

 

I ALSO thought WH would get the kids 50/50 and that terrified me. He's an extreme Narcissist and basically we called him THE NO MAN. Rules for everyone else. No rules for him ie no cold water for the kids. Cold beer for him every night etcetera.

 

SINCE consulting a renowned Psychologist here and exposing his multiple affairs and other behaviours. He's deemed an unfit parent lol took me a while to realize THAT.

 

I'm alerting you to possibilities for the future if need be.

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart

[Shard]

Lion Heart

 

She no longer goes to that gym; When I confronted her, she stopped going immediately. As for the same job. He doesn't work there. From what I had gathered he is a 30 some year old, divorced man, who lives in his parent's basement.

[Mr. Lucky]

She said that it started out innocent. This man goes to the same gym as she up until six weeks ago attended. They started off as work out buddies, pushing each other as she said. But then she said she just liked the attention he gave her.

 

What is it with the rash of gym-based affairs lately? This is the fourth or fifth one posted in the last couple of months...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shard]

What is it with the rash of gym-based affairs lately? This is the fourth or fifth one posted in the last couple of months...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't know either. Perfect excuse to pick up someone. I don't know. But I feel with my wife if it wasn't the gym it would have been somewhere else. So I really don't know.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Shard, guess things are working out in your favour. Your Mother in law calling you at work is an indication that your wife and her family(?) are still interested in her relationship with you. If she wasn't then her mother would not have called you. I think my assessment of your wife being a good woman at heart is correct. She has confessed to her mother( Very difficult for her to do) and she does have enough remorse for her actions to have felt bad enough about it to confess to her mother. Any person whose instincts are not good would not have done so. The only thing remaining is to ascertain as to whether she is still in love with you at some level.

 

I would think that maybe you could make an exception to the 180 rule and initiate a discussion with your wife in a relaxed setting and ask her point blank about the future of your relationship. Since she has not really moved positively in one direction or the other, you can more or less force the issue. The thing is if she tells you that she has'nt given up on you and the relationship then you have something concrete to work on. However if she continues beating about the bush and not coming out clearly about her intentions, then it means she is sitting on the fence and the simple fact of life is that you cannot wait till eternity for her to make up her mind. It is a simple case of whether she is in or she is out. Either way she has to tell you. If she is out and she clearly states this then do not waste any more time on giving the relationship a chance. Start the divorce proceedings, ask her to move out or whichever way your lawyer advises you and put your separation plan into action. The time to be in limbo will be over. However, if she indicates that she has not given up on you and the relationship then you immediately start the process of rebuilding your relationship from scratch. This may involve both IC and MC and also maybe taking a vacation together and other joint activities to help rebuild what you have lost. It may also involve both of you learning how to forgive each other because without that you will not be able to build your relationship because of the major block that exists. My own feeling is that she and her Mom are concerned about your relationship and your detaching has made the possibility of a breakup very real to her and her mother. It is obvious they don't want that. I don't know what her mother had to say to you in that conversation she had with you but I am sure there would have been many indicators there that she would want you to remain married to her daughter. Otherwise why would she bother to call you on her own initiative? Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

[Shard]

This is going to come across as a rant. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I have to work tomorrow so hoping I can get this off my chest and go back to sleep.

 

Six weeks since I found out who I thought was my best friend and thought I could trust betrayed me. I have heard from the few friends I have told that I should be glad she didn't allow this man to stick his dick in her. One said it wasn't cheating because there wasn't sex. Heck, even some people have told me that it was a friendship and I was being insecure.

 

It made me second guess myself and made me think, is this why she is checking out. Am I pushing her away because I'm uncounciously controlling her and making her doubt me? Then I realize, that that is all a bunch of bull****. I don't deserve to be friend zoned. I don't deserve to have my wife, someone who promised to be faithful to me, took vows, even if it was a courthouse wedding turn around and talk about me, our relationship with another man. Instead of talking to me about how she felt.

 

I'm sitting here beating myself up. This woman was talking to another man and still married me. Was this some kind of revenge tactic? Did she actually really want to punish me for my past mistakes. Does my past drinking problems really mean I'm forever at her mercy?

 

Up until I woke up I was relatively calm. But right now I am just pissed off. Pissed off that my daughters' family could be ripped apart. Pissed off my wife isn't sure if she wants to be with me. Pissed off that until three days ago I was living as a doormat to my wife. Pissed off that I'm up right now, bitching, and venting to anyone who is willing to listen to me.

 

I just feel like a failure as a husband, lover and as a man. It's a huge blow to my ego. I'm not one to complain, mope or becomes sad but this whole ordeal has taken so much out of me. What I set to lose emotionally, physically and fiancially? Life really is unfair.

[Friskyone4u]

This is going to come across as a rant. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I have to work tomorrow so hoping I can get this off my chest and go back to sleep.

 

Six weeks since I found out who I thought was my best friend and thought I could trust betrayed me. I have heard from the few friends I have told that I should be glad she didn't allow this man to stick his dick in her. One said it wasn't cheating because there wasn't sex. Heck, even some people have told me that it was a friendship and I was being insecure.

 

It made me second guess myself and made me think, is this why she is checking out. Am I pushing her away because I'm uncounciously controlling her and making her doubt me? Then I realize, that that is all a bunch of bull****. I don't deserve to be friend zoned. I don't deserve to have my wife, someone who promised to be faithful to me, took vows, even if it was a courthouse wedding turn around and talk about me, our relationship with another man. Instead of talking to me about how she felt.

 

I'm sitting here beating myself up. This woman was talking to another man and still married me. Was this some kind of revenge tactic? Did she actually really want to punish me for my past mistakes. Does my past drinking problems really mean I'm forever at her mercy?

 

Up until I woke up I was relatively calm. But right now I am just pissed off. Pissed off that my daughters' family could be ripped apart. Pissed off my wife isn't sure if she wants to be with me. Pissed off that until three days ago I was living as a doormat to my wife. Pissed off that I'm up right now, bitching, and venting to anyone who is willing to listen to me.

 

I just feel like a failure as a husband, lover and as a man. It's a huge blow to my ego. I'm not one to complain, mope or becomes sad but this whole ordeal has taken so much out of me. What I set to lose emotionally, physically and fiancially? Life really is unfair.

 

Shard,

 

Don't know if you are back to sleep or not but when you wake up FORGET some of what you just wrote.

 

(1) none of this is your fault .!!! You own 50% of the marital issues but she owns 100% of the EA ( hopefully only an EA) Do not go to this mindset.

(2) for you naive and in my opinion stupid friends, ask them how they would feel if they had their wife talking to another man about banging his brains out. ? If they tell you it would not bother than they are fools. Until it happens to you, its easy tlo run someones mouth.

(3) this terrible peer advice is also probably what she is hearing from her girlfriends if they know. Unfortunately, women today are bombarded with all sorts of messages in the magazines they read, the shows they gravitate to on TV and the current "girls just want to have fun" culture that anything they do is OK and that "you will get over it". My bet is if she told 10 friends, over half of them would be vicariously thrilled at what she was doing and if not encourage her they would tell her to "be happy"

(4) get over this idea that an EA is "not as bad". Sometimes it is worse and if she wants to still separate or divorce you not accepting it is not the cause. It is not your job to just accept her infidelity and suck it up. It is her job to show you through actions, not words, that she is committed to you.

(5) quitting the gym means NOTHING . If this OM lives in close proximity, which he probably does, this can expand easily and either continue or escalate.

 

Lastly get this out of your head that by not just give her a hall pass on this is driving her away. You can take it to the bank that if you meekly accept all of the blame and buckle on your expectations and boundaries that this will continue .

 

And since you mentioned a "burner" phone, take the time to look for one. It ain't that difficult to make the effort.

[BluesPower]

I'm not sure you should feel that way.

 

You know, you have made some mistakes, and the drinking was a problem. That type of stuff does do real damage to a relationship.

 

However, you wife's affair is not your fault in any way, never was, and never will be.

 

We have all made mistakes in our marriages, but thinking you are a failure is kind of silly. You got money issues, we all have. The thing is that you have been there, kept a job and a roof over your wife's and children's head, fed your family and kept them safe. That is not being a failure.

 

When things like this go on, it is easy to get down on yourself. And I am sure that you are not perfect, but who is.

 

When people like your wife start feeling the way that they do, it is often times their fault. The mundane day to day routine, dirty diapers and underwear is tiresome and boring. But it takes two people to keep a marriage exciting and both have to want it.

 

It just does not seem like your wife wants it.

 

Further, whether your wife did/is having a physical affair now may not matter if she does not want to invest in the marriage. I, just saying, believe that they were sleeping together and my sill be in contact, but who knows.

 

I don't know if detaching from her is the right thing to do or not, maybe it is. But maybe, having a talk with her and letting her know that you are "planning" on getting a divorce may wake her up, then again it may not.

 

After her affair, she should be bending over backwards to invest in her marriage and help you to heal from "HER" affair. She does not really seem to be doing that, which kind of tells me that she is still involved in the affair at some level, but it is hard to be sure.

 

For me, I got to the point that I told my wife I was going to file for divorce and she begged me for another chance to save the marriage. It has not been perfect, but I know that she is trying. But she never really woke up until she knew it was over unless "SHE" did something, because I had already done everything that I could do.

 

I think that if the marriage is going to be saved, you guys do need marriage counseling, and with a different counselor. Your wife needs to be in IC so she can work on her issues as well.

 

I don't know if this would be the right tack to take in your situation, but I think being honest with her that you are preparing to divorce her may be the right thing to do. That way, she will understand why you are detaching from her and she can really decide if she wants to be with you or not.

 

I wish you good luck...

[mikeylo]

While you are thinking that she is completely busy to have a physical affair, did you ever think that she was talking to another guy ? I wouldn't go in blind here. If she found time to talk to him, they must have found time to get physical. Some cheating people are careful as to who they write in messages so that if/ when caught , they have at least some aspect covered.

 

Telling her mom is no biggie. Drop a word with a friend or acquaintance. Some people have a thick skin.

[Shard]

I'm feeling a lot better than I did last night/earlier this morning.

 

 

I have searched the entire house multiple times for a burner phone. I have driven past the gym at random times and even found out where this guy's parents lived and drove past their house to see if she is there. I am as convinced as I can be that she isn't seeing the guy in person as we speak.

 

I remember back to the day she went no contact, she did it by phone on speaker phone. I have doubts they did much phone calls because he seemed rather surprised when she called him.

 

They talked brief and my wife was nevertheless really brief, without a lot of emotion saying that she didn't want to be friend's with him anymore and that their friendship has become too inappropriate and needed to stop. He asked if they could still be friends at the gym. She said no and then he said that he'd miss talking to her and that was it. The phone call lasted a whole 2 minutes. (He had texted her twice trying to initiate a conversation, and each time with she told me and then I told her to text him that same response she gave him on discovery) Besides that from my knowledge that she hasn't.

 

That and the nature of their texts, made me believe it was an emotional affair. He was the one who was sending a lot of the flirty texts, the compliments, the dirty talk and she was the one talking about the dirty details of our relationship. It almost seemed like he was hoping to get into her pants while pretending to care while she was using him as a therapist, someone to vent too. There was some text about their gym routine and other boring ****. But the amount of texting and how she didn't dismiss his constant flirting made me believe she loved the emotional attention, that thrill but she never really had any intentions of it going further then that.

[mikeylo]

Do you think that after discovery they are going to be as open as they used to ? She is gas lighting you. Don't drive around ! You will drive yourself crazy!! Stop right away.

 

Why don't you join her at the gym? You might get to hear something?

 

Gyms are the new meeting spot for people.

[BluesPower]

Shard, maybe you are right, but just don't rule it out, honestly you never know.

 

Either way, what do you think you should do? Do you think that she is doing enough to rebuild your trust and your marriage?

 

Do you think she is remorseful, and is she showing you that to you, besides the sex, they all do that when they are caught?

 

Whether she slept with this guy or not, or whether she slept with others or not, that is not really the issue. She was having an affair of some type and she needs to understand that it has consequences.

 

What do you think is the best course of action? It would seem to me that she needs a wake up call of some sort if not an out right divorce.

[Shard]

Do you think that after discovery they are going to be as open as they used to ? She is gas lighting you. Don't drive around ! You will drive yourself crazy!! Stop right away.

 

Why don't you join her at the gym? You might get to hear something?

 

Gyms are the new meeting spot for people.

 

 

Before discovery date. The couple months before I discovered her emotional affair with the other man, I tried to hard to get her to want me. I had thought about this and thought about this and trying to wrap around where what went wrong. I do believe my wife needs to talk to a therapist on her own. And maybe talking to a marriage counsellor right now wouldn't' be in our best interest. During marriage, counselling and after marriage counselling, I had been more open, I believe my communication skills as a whole was improved not just with my wife but with everyone. It kind of seemed like it hadn't but gotten worse for my wife. Like she thrived on having a third person to talk too, kind of like to validate her feelings.

 

I just compare her now, she seems really really depressed. I have done enough reading to conclude that her actions don't match up to her still being in some kind of inappropriate friendship, affair or whatever. She is more attentive toward me now in the past six weeks then she has been since July. I should have taken her telling me on July 3rd that she wanted to separate seriously. I should have put two and two together but I didn't. From July to September when I really think about it, she was happy, just not toward me. Now that she is discovered she is scrambling, she is even trying to be more affectionate. I don't believe her actions match someone still in an affair. I believe she may be mourning her affair partner or someone to talk too.

 

Maybe I am giving her too much credit. She was the one who wanted to break up the marriage back in July, match that with the texts where she said on multiple occasions that she didn't want sex with the guy, the phone call ending things, how casual she was. There was no time between me finding out and her calling that guy, so the no contact call was as genuine as it could be. I have read through the texts. There was nearly 10000 of them, half of them from July to September. I'd like to believe the other man got a thrill from talking to my wife. My wife is gorgeous and he is below average. Not to sound shallow but if my wife was out to find someone to have sex with she could find so much better.

[Shard]

Shard, maybe you are right, but just don't rule it out, honestly you never know.

 

Either way, what do you think you should do? Do you think that she is doing enough to rebuild your trust and your marriage?

 

Do you think she is remorseful, and is she showing you that to you, besides the sex, they all do that when they are caught?

 

Whether she slept with this guy or not, or whether she slept with others or not, that is not really the issue. She was having an affair of some type and she needs to understand that it has consequences.

 

What do you think is the best course of action? It would seem to me that she needs a wake up call of some sort if not an out right divorce.

 

 

I have moved over money into a personal account, I have started to detach from her emotionally and seen a lawyer yesterday. I am already preparing for that possibility. She has been as remorseful as can be. There is probably some regret and self-shame in there. She says she doesn't like feeling this way, that she wants her family and for us to get out of this rut. She didn't blame me for it, even acknowledged that I have become a better husband. She just feels stuck and lost. It's entirely possible she just doesn't love me anymore. So I'm going to keep detaching and see if she makes a move. I can forgive her if she is 100% in but if she isn't then I will divorce her as much as that will break my heart.

[Cephalopod]

I have moved over money into a personal account, I have started to detach from her emotionally and seen a lawyer yesterday. I am already preparing for that possibility. She has been as remorseful as can be. There is probably some regret and self-shame in there. She says she doesn't like feeling this way, that she wants her family and for us to get out of this rut. She didn't blame me for it, even acknowledged that I have become a better husband. She just feels stuck and lost. It's entirely possible she just doesn't love me anymore. So I'm going to keep detaching and see if she makes a move. I can forgive her if she is 100% in but if she isn't then I will divorce her as much as that will break my heart.

 

Go see a couple more lawyers and get a full picture of what you can expect. Continue on with the 180.

 

You actually have every ethical reason to divorce her. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea. Why not just go ahead and file and have her served? Friend-zone her. Tell her if she decides she wants to stay married then she needs to figure herself out and re-commit to the marriage. If she re-commits then later on you can stop the divorce proceedings. But you need to see a real desire from her to fix things.

 

Are you currently attending AA meetings? If not, I encourage you to go maybe a couple times a week. It is a good place to create emotional support for yourself.

[Shard]

 

Are you currently attending AA meetings? If not, I encourage you to go maybe a couple times a week. It is a good place to create emotional support for yourself.

 

 

I have been attending AA meetings since my wife kicked me out shortly after my daughter's birth. I don't attend them much anymore. I go maybe once a month or every other month. I still have my sponsor who I have been in contact with. I haven't had a relaspe since so I'm doing well. It would probably do me good to go more frequent, even if it just once a week.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Shard

[S2B]

I have been attending AA meetings since my wife kicked me out shortly after my daughter's birth. I don't attend them much anymore. I go maybe once a month or every other month. I still have my sponsor who I have been in contact with. I haven't had a relaspe since so I'm doing well. It would probably do me good to go more frequent, even if it just once a week.

 

Have you worked all the steps of AA? The meetings are not as important as actually doing the steps.

 

Do you have a big book?

Edited October 26, 2016 by S2B

[Shard]

Have you worked all the steps of AA? The meetings are not as important as actually doing the steps.

 

Do you have a big book?

 

For the most part, I have followed the steps. I'd say my process has been somewhat different since I'm atheist and the AA meetings around where I live are strongly religious based, and I attended and took out what I could base on my beliefs (or lack of). I had accepted that I had a drinking problem and that I used alcohol as a crutch for stress. I was in denial up until my wife kicked me out.

 

I didn't really believe in a higher spirit but I looked for support from those who have been sober longer than I have, and support from a sponsor who I am still good friends with to this day.

 

I found talking about addiction. Hearing about other struggles really resonated mostly. There were definitely people I attended meetings with who's drinking were worse than mine. I was able to hold a job, I had my family, decent friends. I was so grateful when my wife (then girlfriend) kicked me out. I could have totally seen myself eventually turning from a functional alcoholic to a nonfunctioning.

 

I think the biggest change was fixing my relationships with other people. My father was also an alcoholic and he finally took the lead and hadn't a drink since 2014. Before that, there was a lot of resentment I blamed him a lot for me turning to alcohol. Then there is my mom who naturally I distanced myself from. Then there was my wife and children. I have done everything I can to be a better man and father. I have stopped drinking, improved myself emotionally and physically. I'm sure my problems could have stemmed my current issues with my wife but that is really up to her to figure out.

 

I haven't drunk since 2013. Not even a glass of wine or a beer. Beside a few temptations these past few months I have been doing really well. I do believe I am in a place where I'm good.

[Shard]

I'm not sure what to make of this.

 

I have been detaching or doing the 180 as some of you call it since Saturday. Since the first day, my wife instantly reacted to it. She had called her mom admitting her affair (90% it was only an emotional affair) and her mom called me. Since then she has been coming out of shell. The more I detach from her the more she tries to attach I guess in a sense.

 

Last night was the second time since Saturday she had tried to initiate sex and I told her no. She looked so sad. This was the most emotion, sadness, regret in a way I've seen her in at least the last 2 months. She said okay and went to sleep, but I noticed she was tossing and turning. This morning she asked if I wanted to meet for a late lunch. Most Thursdays she is off at noon because of the odd Saturday she works. I told her work was busy. Which was a lie? I guess in a way I want her to feel what I had been feeling but more I really want her to make up her mind. I didn't know if her affection is because she is feeling lonely or is it because she is really understanding what life would be like without me in it and realizes what we have isn't really that bad.

 

So which brings me to now. My wife texted me saying we needed to talk. I asked her about what? (Just in case she wants to talk about the kids.) She just texted me saying that her mom is picking up the kids from daycare and that we are going to have a serious talk. We can stay home, go out for supper but we needed to talk. And that was it. I haven't responded yet but just wanted to get some advice.

Edited October 27, 2016 by Shard