Finally ending it 100%

[MJJean]

And you were left. Behind. Holding on - to something that never really existed.

 

And then what?

 

And then you let go and are free.

[whichwayisup]

So our mutual friend said the move happened before he left, so it was a while ago, in 2016. I saw him weekly but he never mentioned it.

 

It's a feeling that is hard to convey in words, the feeling that you were so insignificant to someone, meant basically nothing to him, that any connection really was all in your mind. Like a bug on a windshield in someone's life. Irrelevant. The particulars don't really matter, sex or no sex, whatever. The point is you thought there was something there, but there wasn't. There never was. It was only ever in your mind.

 

Of course he put it there. For fun. For boredom. For ego. For kicks. For sex. But one day, he was done. And gone. And you were left. Behind. Holding on - to something that never really existed.

 

And then what?

 

You never ever shred a tear over him ever again. Forgive yourself and even forgive him for being who he is - A jerk and a narcissistic player. Try your best to not give him any thought(s) in your head, he's not worth it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You never ever shred a tear over him ever again. Forgive yourself and even forgive him for being who he is - A jerk and a narcissistic player. Try your best to not give him any thought(s) in your head, he's not worth it.

 

Thank you. When someone says they love you, you believe it and hold on because you think, what kind of a person would lie about that just to get laid or attention. It's impossible to believe another fellow human being who you know for years would just use you, like you and your feelings were inconsequential, that you just did not matter, even if you lived or died. It's hard to admit you were just used and played and it's even harder to forgive yourself for it.

[Poppy47]

Thank you. When someone says they love you, you believe it and hold on because you think, what kind of a person would lie about that just to get laid or attention. It's impossible to believe another fellow human being who you know for years would just use you, like you and your feelings were inconsequential, that you just did not matter, even if you lived or died. It's hard to admit you were just used and played and it's even harder to forgive yourself for it.

 

Xmm told me that he felt a love for me that was deeper than anything he had ever felt for anybody, ever including his wife. As if that made any difference to who he chose to spend his life with.

 

I look back now and think what a load of meaningless drivel he used to babble.

I totally believed everything he told me, because there had never been anybody ever in my life before ( to my knowedge) who lied to me in such grand declarations.

 

My experience of men was very limited. It never occurred to me that he was telling me all that to maintain his little entertainment on the side.

 

It is a very harsh awakening but I had the epiphany and it's all ancient history.

 

Poppy.

[deadsoul]

 

It's a feeling that is hard to convey in words, the feeling that you were so insignificant to someone, meant basically nothing to him, that any connection really was all in your mind. Like a bug on a windshield in someone's life. Irrelevant. The particulars don't really matter, sex or no sex, whatever. The point is you thought there was something there, but there wasn't. There never was. It was only ever in your mind.

 

Of course he put it there. For fun. For boredom. For ego. For kicks. For sex. But one day, he was done. And gone. And you were left. Behind. Holding on - to something that never really existed.

 

And then what?

 

Word. And what you said about addictive personalities? I'm pretty sure I have one...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Xmm told me that he felt a love for me that was deeper than anything he had ever felt for anybody, ever including his wife. As if that made any difference to who he chose to spend his life with.

 

I look back now and think what a load of meaningless drivel he used to babble.

I totally believed everything he told me, because there had never been anybody ever in my life before ( to my knowedge) who lied to me in such grand declarations.

 

My experience of men was very limited. It never occurred to me that he was telling me all that to maintain his little entertainment on the side.

 

It is a very harsh awakening but I had the epiphany and it's all ancient history.

 

Poppy.

 

I really never had that experience before either. I had dated of course, had my heart broken but I really never had someone manipulate and flat out just use me. I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

I was starting to feel better but Friday was a total shock and huge step backwards. And now I feel like, here I am again, only it's a 1000 times worse because this time, short of firing my own client, eventually I will have to go there again, which is unbelievably horrifying to me. I don't know why I am so horrified, I mean Friday was traumatizing to me. I was shaking in front of him, could not speak. I felt like I was going to pass out. It's as if I have some post traumatic stress thing from the whole thing.

 

And now I'm sitting here, should be working, lost now 2+ days to this...and I feel like my whole life is going to unravel if I don't get it together. I'm feeling very anxious and depressed.

[FoundMyStrength]

I totally believed everything he told me, because there had never been anybody ever in my life before ( to my knowedge) who lied to me in such grand declarations.

 

Isn't this the truth? I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about my two previous very long-term relationships, about how long it took for my feelings of affection and excitement to crystallize into love. How long it took for both myself and my partners to say it for the first time. And then I think of xMM. How, once he said it once, it was like the lovebomb floodgates opened. He couldn't say it enough. Morning. Noon. Night. One time he actually texted me, "Goodnight, my love" as though I were some sort of heroine in a Victorian novel. He filled my heart and mind so full of declarations of love, it's surprising I saw anything else. I saw only him.

[deadsoul]

I really never had that experience before either. I had dated of course, had my heart broken but I really never had someone manipulate and flat out just use me. I'm glad you are feeling better.

 

I was starting to feel better but Friday was a total shock and huge step backwards. And now I feel like, here I am again, only it's a 1000 times worse because this time, short of firing my own client, eventually I will have to go there again, which is unbelievably horrifying to me. I don't know why I am so horrified, I mean Friday was traumatizing to me. I was shaking in front of him, could not speak. I felt like I was going to pass out. It's as if I have some post traumatic stress thing from the whole thing.

 

And now I'm sitting here, should be working, lost now 2+ days to this...and I feel like my whole life is going to unravel if I don't get it together. I'm feeling very anxious and depressed.

 

This is a minor setback, a test if you will. Just breathe in and out. That's all you can do. Take a day, hour, minute at a time until it passes. That's what I'm doing right now. I didn't sleep more than two hours last night. I've cried all morning. But all I can do is breathe. You can do the same. You are strong. You can do this.When you go back, you will be prepared and you can have a plan for how you will handle it.

[FoundMyStrength]

My H works with me - I have my own practice - and my husband does financial services but also helps me with my business, often delivering items when I am done. My husband is more than happy to go to this new location to see my client if I need him to do so.

 

You have an amazing husband, Midnight. Such an expression of actual love and caring to take on this task in order to spare you more pain.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Isn't this the truth? I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about my two previous very long-term relationships, about how long it took for my feelings of affection and excitement to crystallize into love. How long it took for both myself and my partners to say it for the first time. And then I think of xMM. How, once he said it once, it was like the lovebomb floodgates opened. He couldn't say it enough. Morning. Noon. Night. One time he actually texted me, "Goodnight, my love" as though I were some sort of heroine in a Victorian novel. He filled my heart and mind so full of declarations of love, it's surprising I saw anything else. I saw only him.

 

He texted me that love stuff all the time and I also got completely sucked in. He did it off and on for the year after it was over as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is a minor setback, a test if you will. Just breathe in and out. That's all you can do. Take a day, hour, minute at a time until it passes. That's what I'm doing right now. I didn't sleep more than two hours last night. I've cried all morning. But all I can do is breathe. You can do the same. You are strong. You can do this.When you go back, you will be prepared and you can have a plan for how you will handle it.

 

Thank you. I have not cried in a while, a few months now, but I did cry for almost all of 2016.

 

I'm trying to change my mindset. You will see it all the time here - "he is where he wants to be." That really hands over all the power to the other person, as if the moment they change their mind, you would be there for them. That is very destructive to your sense of self. So I'm now trying to tell myself that I am where I want to be.

 

Whatever this is, it's not love. It's some addiction.

[deadsoul]

Thank you. I have not cried in a while, a few months now, but I did cry for almost all of 2016.

 

I'm trying to change my mindset. You will see it all the time here - "he is where he wants to be." That really hands over all the power to the other person, as if the moment they change their mind, you would be there for them. That is very destructive to your sense of self. So I'm now trying to tell myself that I am where I want to be.

 

Whatever this is, it's not love. It's some addiction.

 

Completely agree. Mine was not love. It was also an addiction and obsession. I'm not making excuses, but why else would someone risk their entire existence for that next "hit"? Because that's what it was for me, a drug.

 

This is so painful to admit, but I STILL think about him. That's so wrong! But I know that it wasn't real. And everyone says confession makes those feelings go away, but you know what? They are still there. And that makes me feel even worse.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Completely agree. Mine was not love. It was also an addiction and obsession. I'm not making excuses, but why else would someone risk their entire existence for that next "hit"? Because that's what it was for me, a drug.

 

This is so painful to admit, but I STILL think about him. That's so wrong! But I know that it wasn't real. And everyone says confession makes those feelings go away, but you know what? They are still there. And that makes me feel even worse.

 

The people saying confession makes the feelings go away tend to be the BS and I guess it's their perception, probably because the WS says how the other person means nothing to him or her. The problem with dealing with someone who is lying is you can't believe anything they say.

 

Not all WS are like that of course. My husband (if you read my thread) had a A which was much higher on the EA than mine and some physical (although they lie about that, can never really be sure what the truth is). When I busted him, he was very out in the open about his love for the OW.

 

But no, confession does not make the feelings go away. Really only time does and not feeding your feelings with social media, seeing him, obsessive thoughts, etc. It's harder if you are married as you can't do the natural thing people do after a breakup, go out there and date away.

 

I still think about him, so it's not just you. And it's been over a long time for me.

 

I said to my friend Friday, do you think I should just get a divorce? I don't want one but I know myself, I'd forget about xmm immediately. He said, yeah but, this is all you here, you'd just go meet someone new, be happy for a while and the same thing would happen all over again, not necessarily with a married guy but some bad news guy. And he had a point. This is not really about xmm at all, it's about something in myself.

[deadsoul]

The people saying confession makes the feelings go away tend to be the BS and I guess it's their perception, probably because the WS says how the other person means nothing to him or her. The problem with dealing with someone who is lying is you can't believe anything they say.

 

Not all WS are like that of course. My husband (if you read my thread) had a A which was much higher on the EA than mine and some physical (although they lie about that, can never really be sure what the truth is). When I busted him, he was very out in the open about his love for the OW.

 

But no, confession does not make the feelings go away. Really only time does and not feeding your feelings with social media, seeing him, obsessive thoughts, etc. It's harder if you are married as you can't do the natural thing people do after a breakup, go out there and date away.

 

I still think about him, so it's not just you. And it's been over a long time for me.

 

I said to my friend Friday, do you think I should just get a divorce? I don't want one but I know myself, I'd forget about xmm immediately. He said, yeah but, this is all you here, you'd just go meet someone new, be happy for a while and the same thing would happen all over again, not necessarily with a married guy but some bad news guy. And he had a point. This is not really about xmm at all, it's about something in myself.

 

I did disable all my social media. I realized how addicted to that I was (yes, there's a pattern of addiction... just not alcohol, drugs or cigarettes).

 

Getting over AP while coming to terms with my actions has been really tough. I don't feel like I have the right to have those feelings after what I did, but to be honest, I still do. But thank you for saying I'm not alone. I agree that the same thing would happen again with someone else. If I'm meant to be alone, i'm going to stay that way for quite awhile and work on Me and my issues before I bring someone else into my crazy. No one should be "filling that part that's missing" but me. To be honest, a relationship of any kind is the last thing on my mind, thankfully.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I did disable all my social media. I realized how addicted to that I was (yes, there's a pattern of addiction... just not alcohol, drugs or cigarettes).

 

Getting over AP while coming to terms with my actions has been really tough. I don't feel like I have the right to have those feelings after what I did, but to be honest, I still do. But thank you for saying I'm not alone. I agree that the same thing would happen again with someone else. If I'm meant to be alone, i'm going to stay that way for quite awhile and work on Me and my issues before I bring someone else into my crazy. No one should be "filling that part that's missing" but me. To be honest, a relationship of any kind is the last thing on my mind, thankfully.

 

I can't disable social media. I use it for business, plus as I have learned from the past year, it's basically all in your head. I don't mean, like you are imagining it but the key to starting to getting over someone starts in your head. If you have feelings for someone, you could change your email, number, lock yourself in a windowless room in the middle of nowhere and in the end, it's still you and your thoughts that are keeping it alive. I'm still connected to him on Linked In, that's it though, we are not friends on anything else. I mean look at what happened with me, he left our group and we had total no contact ever since and then I end up walking into his new office space on Friday, a space I had no idea existed.

 

It made me realize that it was good I did not quit and run last winter because I would have seen him this past Friday anyway. NC begins in the mind.

 

I'm hardly one to give advice on this. I am also trapped in the mire.

[jah526]

I did disable all my social media. I realized how addicted to that I was (yes, there's a pattern of addiction... just not alcohol, drugs or cigarettes).

 

I'm having problems with this myself. Thinking about disabling my FB. I have him and his wife and several other people blocked but he has an e-commerce site that I can't block. I look at that sometimes as a "reward" (twisted thinking, I know). That brings me pain too - why did he post early this morning when I know he doesn't get up that early? Nearly unblocked his personal site to check, but I thought about something someone had written to me here, and I went for a walk instead. But goddamn if that is not some powerful impulse to do things I know aren't good for me. What the hell IS that? I'm like a moth that knows where the flame is and I want nothing more than to fling myself into it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm having problems with this myself. Thinking about disabling my FB. I have him and his wife and several other people blocked but he has an e-commerce site that I can't block. I look at that sometimes as a "reward" (twisted thinking, I know). That brings me pain too - why did he post early this morning when I know he doesn't get up that early? Nearly unblocked his personal site to check, but I thought about something someone had written to me here, and I went for a walk instead. But goddamn if that is not some powerful impulse to do things I know aren't good for me. What the hell IS that? I'm like a moth that knows where the flame is and I want nothing more than to fling myself into it.

 

He may have someone else posting on behalf of him. A lot of people pay a 3rd party to do that.

 

Do whatever you need to do if it helps you not see things which will trigger you.

 

I made an appt with my therapist for this week. Friday really upset me. I stopped seeing her because she said I was never going to get past this while I was seeing him weekly. So it seemed like a waste of money. I don't feel like finding someone new and repeating this whole saga to a stranger. I've seen this woman on and off for over 10 years.

 

I just want to be happy and get out of this pit.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Welcome back! I sure have missed you though I knew you were lurking. Even though we 'disappear' through posting those of us wanting to move forward remain stuck and lurking on this board.

 

Sorry to hear you had to see the xDouchebag i liked the better mental picture of him stacking boxes in the back of some warehouse.

 

Hey 2017 this is your year remember. No tears at least not for him. You are in a good place - where you want and need to be.

[cloche]

Good grief! You've really been through the wringer this last year, Midnight. Thanks for continuing to post here, though.

 

May I ask you a question please? 'Where' were you prior to your affair?

 

What I mean is: for me, recovering from my affair has forced me to confront issues that I was not fully aware of when I fell in love with her, but that looking back now I can see were as present for me then as now; I still have the same stuff to deal with, in other words, though now, at least, I'm clearer as to what that stuff actually is.

 

Is your experience in any way the same?

[Poppy47]

Cloche,

 

I found after I truly went NC and put xMM firmly and irrevocably out of my life, there was other stuff I hadn't dealt with.

 

There were issues re my marriage and late husband that I had swept under the carpet for years. I believe I have faced them and somehow come to terms with them now. It would not have happened if xMM were still in the picture.

 

Are you still working on your stuff Cloche? Hope it is going well and that you don't give up.

Poppy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Good grief! You've really been through the wringer this last year, Midnight. Thanks for continuing to post here, though.

 

May I ask you a question please? 'Where' were you prior to your affair?

 

What I mean is: for me, recovering from my affair has forced me to confront issues that I was not fully aware of when I fell in love with her, but that looking back now I can see were as present for me then as now; I still have the same stuff to deal with, in other words, though now, at least, I'm clearer as to what that stuff actually is.

 

Is your experience in any way the same?

 

I was pretty unhappy. I was working two 65 hours a week for our entire relationship to support us and then eventually our family. The jobs were miserable, we eventually declared bankruptcy and my husband was absent the whole marriage, focused on the kids (sorry, I sound like a man there). Since the affair, my husband has changed a lot in that he now pays a lot of attention towards me, I'm still the only source of income though I now work for myself, so that is better. I'm not really happy though - but I am not sure that is really anyone's fault but my own now.

 

I'm totally set back since seeing xmm Friday and seeing my therapist tomorrow, which I really can't afford but I am tired of feeling like this.

[deadsoul]

I was pretty unhappy. I was working two 65 hours a week for our entire relationship to support us and then eventually our family. The jobs were miserable, we eventually declared bankruptcy and my husband was absent the whole marriage, focused on the kids (sorry, I sound like a man there). Since the affair, my husband has changed a lot in that he now pays a lot of attention towards me, I'm still the only source of income though I now work for myself, so that is better. I'm not really happy though - but I am not sure that is really anyone's fault but my own now.

 

I'm totally set back since seeing xmm Friday and seeing my therapist tomorrow, which I really can't afford but I am tired of feeling like this.

 

MB, hang in there. No real advice for you as I'm the last person to shell it out, but my thoughts are with you. I'm not happy either, but my goal is to find contentment and gratitude in something every day. Please keep updating. I find that is something small that is helping me. I kind of wish I jumped in before I confessed because I've been here awhile. I was following Grey Cloud's story for a long time, anyone hear from her?

[FoundMyStrength]

I was pretty unhappy. I was working two 65 hours a week for our entire relationship to support us and then eventually our family. The jobs were miserable, we eventually declared bankruptcy and my husband was absent the whole marriage, focused on the kids (sorry, I sound like a man there). Since the affair, my husband has changed a lot in that he now pays a lot of attention towards me, I'm still the only source of income though I now work for myself, so that is better. I'm not really happy though - but I am not sure that is really anyone's fault but my own now.

 

I'm totally set back since seeing xmm Friday and seeing my therapist tomorrow, which I really can't afford but I am tired of feeling like this.

 

That unhappiness was there for me too, pre-affair, and like cloche said, it was something I really wasn't aware of at the time. I recognized the stressful parts of my life, but I didn't know how miserable, stuck, and kind of hopeless I had become. That's the only good that's really come of this affair, that I've been able to see how unhappy I was and start taking steps (therapy, life changes, etc.) to get back to feeling whole again and to a more meaningful life. Hopefully we'll all end up there someday.

[Grey Cloud]

MB, hang in there. No real advice for you as I'm the last person to shell it out, but my thoughts are with you. I'm not happy either, but my goal is to find contentment and gratitude in something every day. Please keep updating. I find that is something small that is helping me. I kind of wish I jumped in before I confessed because I've been here awhile. I was following Grey Cloud's story for a long time, anyone hear from her?

 

Hi Deadsoul!

 

I don't log on to LS much these days but saw Midnight had updated her thread so had a read through and saw the shout out to me!! I am doing so much better. I am in a different place compared to this time last year when I was a complete mess! Can you PM yet? Feel free to PM me and I can talk to you in more detail x

[Southern Sun]

Just posting to add my sympathies, MB, Deadsoul, others, and to say I relate (regretfully) to the long-term pain and anguish this affair BS stamps on you.

 

My affair was on and off for two and a half years (with my boss at work), and it's now been more than three years since it began, and while it was obviously thrilling and exciting in the beginning (who starts them otherwise?), it has been otherwise the most hellish time of my life.

 

MB, I believe my xMM was a personality disordered-type as well...user, manipulator, charmer...there's MUCH more I could write, those words are inadequate. Doesn't negate me of my responsibility but a relationship with a person like that can eff you in the head. And heart. It leaves you raw and edgy and unsure of your footing and place in the world...and broken. It takes a long time to crawl your way back.

 

Just following along and feeling the same.