Finally ending it 100%

[deadsoul]

MB, how are things? Do you feel like you're back on the right track again?

[Marc878]

MB, when you figure it out, please enlighten me.

 

I have to tell you, cutting off FB and Instagram has been one of the best things I've ever done. I know you can't because of business and sometimes I miss going on it, but I was spending way too much time on it. Funny. Now I've seemed to direct some of that time here.

 

Smart move. Facebook is called ****book for a reason.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MB, how are things? Do you feel like you're back on the right track again?

 

Hi deadsoul. I am feeling pretty good, a lot better since I saw my old therapist last week. She asked me a lot of questions which really made me think and see things from a different perspective. It unstuck me basically. We'll see if it sticks. I pretty much stopped thinking about him.

 

So I'm okay. Thank you for asking.

 

How are you?

[MidnightBlue1980]

I decided to update my own thread. I wouldn't bother to write this, after all, it's not terribly exciting compared to some of the threads, not sure anyone will even read this, but since I do see my name mentioned a lot and people like my writing, I will share my catharsis or moment of clarity.

 

So after I saw him after 2+ months of NC, I was really in my head and decided to see my therapist. She asked me something no one had. She said, tell me what you miss about him. And the thing was - I really had nothing to say. She said was it way he made me feel? and I said no (he made me feel like garbage). Was it the times we shared? (not really, they were always awkward, forced, we don't have much in common) Was it him personally? (not really, I didn't get to know him that well and he was kind of boring and dull). But I missed something obviously, right? But what?

 

So then I had the luck to come down with that Noru virus and spent 36 hours in bed and I did a lot of thinking. I thought about what my therapist had asked and how she said I had an attachment disorder - which is actually not what you think, it's not that you attach to people, it's that you have trouble attaching. Fear of intimacy. Trust issues. I run from conflict, heavy emotions, commitment. It seems counter-intuitive, since I've been here over xmm, how could I have a fear of intimacy? But he is not available, so it fits.

 

But then - why him? So I thought about what was missing in my own marriage (and father) and what attracted me to xmm. Without typing a novel, he gave the impression of being a solid family provider, taking care of things, everything that I never had. I had just declared bankruptcy from credit card debt after supporting my family for 10 years and my husband was just not a partner. So I saw xmm as a strong man in charge of things, someone powerful, and that was attractive because I have never had anyone share my load in life.

 

For a while I just tried to help him as a friend with his health issues and marital issues, but we know how those things go.

 

But what about me - why did he pick me? And I remembered how when we went out to dinner before it all started, he said how he loved being with me because people looked at me and then looked at him - and he felt special and important being with me, something he had never felt before being only an average person married to someone below average. At the time I brushed it off but I started remembering a lot of other examples (I'll spare you) but I realized that he really wasn't so strong and powerful, he picked me because I made him feel better about his own perceived inadequacies. I remembered in the beginning he couldn't believe I cared about his health, he had me on this weird pedestal, not because he loved me like he said he did, but because he believed that by being with me, he would be happy, like I was a rabbit's foot.

 

And I've had this happen before in my life, men mirror me, as if I would rub off on them, and he did this too. He did lose 25 lbs with my help and he was really happy. But it was never me, again it was the way I made him feel about himself. And I thought about how he had been looking for an AP for 5 years, exactly the length of time he went to work at his wife's family company and I thought, maybe he is not so strong and in charge after all. Maybe he just hates and resents being controlled by his wife's family, the loss of his identity, sense of self, sense of being his own man. Maybe this was his way of claiming some kind of identity. Maybe he hates himself for lacking the strength to make the changes he told me he wanted to make.

 

Who knows right? As I said, we write our own endings. And when I walked in that dumpy space (and there are no coincidences in the universe) and there he was, I realized - this is not the strong man I had created in my mind. That person never existed other than as the man he wanted to be and believed he could be, but will never be.

 

And then it was just kind of gone. I feel something. He's not a sociopath. He's just weak, and seeing me weekly gave him something to live for. My husband actually said that repeatedly all 2016, but I didn't understand it. My husband said that whatever I said - hello, drop dead - any kind of contact kept that feeling alive for him, that feeling that this was not it for his life, that there some hope. And now there is nothing. But you know, I'm not going to say I wish him well, but I wish him peace and to be good to his wife.

 

So to sum (if you read this far), there is hope because if I could get to the point of detachment, you can too. I'm aware of my triggers and issues and that's all I can do.

 

PS. I am working on my issues with intimacy with my husband and fear of commitment. If I can do it, anyone can.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I decided to update my own thread. I wouldn't bother to write this, after all, it's not terribly exciting compared to some of the threads, not sure anyone will even read this, but since I do see my name mentioned a lot and people like my writing, I will share my catharsis or moment of clarity.

 

So after I saw him after 2+ months of NC, I was really in my head and decided to see my therapist. She asked me something no one had. She said, tell me what you miss about him. And the thing was - I really had nothing to say. She said was it way he made me feel? and I said no (he made me feel like garbage). Was it the times we shared? (not really, they were always awkward, forced, we don't have much in common) Was it him personally? (not really, I didn't get to know him that well and he was kind of boring and dull). But I missed something obviously, right? But what?

 

So then I had the luck to come down with that Noru virus and spent 36 hours in bed and I did a lot of thinking. I thought about what my therapist had asked and how she said I had an attachment disorder - which is actually not what you think, it's not that you attach to people, it's that you have trouble attaching. Fear of intimacy. Trust issues. I run from conflict, heavy emotions, commitment. It seems counter-intuitive, since I've been here over xmm, how could I have a fear of intimacy? But he is not available, so it fits.

 

But then - why him? So I thought about what was missing in my own marriage (and father) and what attracted me to xmm. Without typing a novel, he gave the impression of being a solid family provider, taking care of things, everything that I never had. I had just declared bankruptcy from credit card debt after supporting my family for 10 years and my husband was just not a partner. So I saw xmm as a strong man in charge of things, someone powerful, and that was attractive because I have never had anyone share my load in life.

 

For a while I just tried to help him as a friend with his health issues and marital issues, but we know how those things go.

 

But what about me - why did he pick me? And I remembered how when we went out to dinner before it all started, he said how he loved being with me because people looked at me and then looked at him - and he felt special and important being with me, something he had never felt before being only an average person married to someone below average. At the time I brushed it off but I started remembering a lot of other examples (I'll spare you) but I realized that he really wasn't so strong and powerful, he picked me because I made him feel better about his own perceived inadequacies. I remembered in the beginning he couldn't believe I cared about his health, he had me on this weird pedestal, not because he loved me like he said he did, but because he believed that by being with me, he would be happy, like I was a rabbit's foot.

 

And I've had this happen before in my life, men mirror me, as if I would rub off on them, and he did this too. He did lose 25 lbs with my help and he was really happy. But it was never me, again it was the way I made him feel about himself. And I thought about how he had been looking for an AP for 5 years, exactly the length of time he went to work at his wife's family company and I thought, maybe he is not so strong and in charge after all. Maybe he just hates and resents being controlled by his wife's family, the loss of his identity, sense of self, sense of being his own man. Maybe this was his way of claiming some kind of identity. Maybe he hates himself for lacking the strength to make the changes he told me he wanted to make.

 

Who knows right? As I said, we write our own endings. And when I walked in that dumpy space (and there are no coincidences in the universe) and there he was, I realized - this is not the strong man I had created in my mind. That person never existed other than as the man he wanted to be and believed he could be, but will never be.

 

And then it was just kind of gone. I feel something. He's not a sociopath. He's just weak, and seeing me weekly gave him something to live for. My husband actually said that repeatedly all 2016, but I didn't understand it. My husband said that whatever I said - hello, drop dead - any kind of contact kept that feeling alive for him, that feeling that this was not it for his life, that there some hope. And now there is nothing. But you know, I'm not going to say I wish him well, but I wish him peace and to be good to his wife.

 

So to sum (if you read this far), there is hope because if I could get to the point of detachment, you can too. I'm aware of my triggers and issues and that's all I can do.

 

PS. I am working on my issues with intimacy with my husband and fear of commitment. If I can do it, anyone can.

 

I cried when I read this. Our stories echo each other and I feel for you for me for our spouses for the wives for the xmm. I pray for xmm and his marriage and his heart and his wife's as well. I feel I owe it to them for all I have done for my part in trying to ruin their story the least I can do is pray the right things happen to put it back together.

 

We really can't fix them you know the most we can hope for is to heal our own spouses and our own hearts and pray God does the rest.

 

Midnight your story is important and you are brave for sharing. You are brave for seeking help and you are brave for moving forward with your life.

 

You know, I think you're gonna be just fine.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I cried when I read this. Our stories echo each other and I feel for you for me for our spouses for the wives for the xmm. I pray for xmm and his marriage and his heart and his wife's as well. I feel I owe it to them for all I have done for my part in trying to ruin their story the least I can do is pray the right things happen to put it back together.

 

We really can't fix them you know the most we can hope for is to heal our own spouses and our own hearts and pray God does the rest.

 

Midnight your story is important and you are brave for sharing. You are brave for seeking help and you are brave for moving forward with your life.

 

You know, I think you're gonna be just fine.

 

What is important to remember is that it's not really about these guys. My therapist said that if I didn't address what problems were inside me, it would just be another guy. It's up to us to draw the line.

 

And it's easy when things are good. It's hard when things are bad and you are alone and sad, crying, hating your husband.

 

I'm a changed woman. I'm just not that person anymore.

Edited February 20, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[deadsoul]

I decided to update my own thread. I wouldn't bother to write this, after all, it's not terribly exciting compared to some of the threads, not sure anyone will even read this, but since I do see my name mentioned a lot and people like my writing, I will share my catharsis or moment of clarity.

 

So after I saw him after 2+ months of NC, I was really in my head and decided to see my therapist. She asked me something no one had. She said, tell me what you miss about him. And the thing was - I really had nothing to say. She said was it way he made me feel? and I said no (he made me feel like garbage). Was it the times we shared? (not really, they were always awkward, forced, we don't have much in common) Was it him personally? (not really, I didn't get to know him that well and he was kind of boring and dull). But I missed something obviously, right? But what?

 

So then I had the luck to come down with that Noru virus and spent 36 hours in bed and I did a lot of thinking. I thought about what my therapist had asked and how she said I had an attachment disorder - which is actually not what you think, it's not that you attach to people, it's that you have trouble attaching. Fear of intimacy. Trust issues. I run from conflict, heavy emotions, commitment. It seems counter-intuitive, since I've been here over xmm, how could I have a fear of intimacy? But he is not available, so it fits.

 

But then - why him? So I thought about what was missing in my own marriage (and father) and what attracted me to xmm. Without typing a novel, he gave the impression of being a solid family provider, taking care of things, everything that I never had. I had just declared bankruptcy from credit card debt after supporting my family for 10 years and my husband was just not a partner. So I saw xmm as a strong man in charge of things, someone powerful, and that was attractive because I have never had anyone share my load in life.

 

For a while I just tried to help him as a friend with his health issues and marital issues, but we know how those things go.

 

But what about me - why did he pick me? And I remembered how when we went out to dinner before it all started, he said how he loved being with me because people looked at me and then looked at him - and he felt special and important being with me, something he had never felt before being only an average person married to someone below average. At the time I brushed it off but I started remembering a lot of other examples (I'll spare you) but I realized that he really wasn't so strong and powerful, he picked me because I made him feel better about his own perceived inadequacies. I remembered in the beginning he couldn't believe I cared about his health, he had me on this weird pedestal, not because he loved me like he said he did, but because he believed that by being with me, he would be happy, like I was a rabbit's foot.

 

And I've had this happen before in my life, men mirror me, as if I would rub off on them, and he did this too. He did lose 25 lbs with my help and he was really happy. But it was never me, again it was the way I made him feel about himself. And I thought about how he had been looking for an AP for 5 years, exactly the length of time he went to work at his wife's family company and I thought, maybe he is not so strong and in charge after all. Maybe he just hates and resents being controlled by his wife's family, the loss of his identity, sense of self, sense of being his own man. Maybe this was his way of claiming some kind of identity. Maybe he hates himself for lacking the strength to make the changes he told me he wanted to make.

 

Who knows right? As I said, we write our own endings. And when I walked in that dumpy space (and there are no coincidences in the universe) and there he was, I realized - this is not the strong man I had created in my mind. That person never existed other than as the man he wanted to be and believed he could be, but will never be.

 

And then it was just kind of gone. I feel something. He's not a sociopath. He's just weak, and seeing me weekly gave him something to live for. My husband actually said that repeatedly all 2016, but I didn't understand it. My husband said that whatever I said - hello, drop dead - any kind of contact kept that feeling alive for him, that feeling that this was not it for his life, that there some hope. And now there is nothing. But you know, I'm not going to say I wish him well, but I wish him peace and to be good to his wife.

 

So to sum (if you read this far), there is hope because if I could get to the point of detachment, you can too. I'm aware of my triggers and issues and that's all I can do.

 

PS. I am working on my issues with intimacy with my husband and fear of commitment. If I can do it, anyone can.

 

Wow. This really affected me a lot. Are you comfortable about talking more about the issues with intimacy and fear of commitment? I see so many truths in me from those things too. Thank you so much for posting this.

[deadsoul]

I cried when I read this. Our stories echo each other and I feel for you for me for our spouses for the wives for the xmm. I pray for xmm and his marriage and his heart and his wife's as well. I feel I owe it to them for all I have done for my part in trying to ruin their story the least I can do is pray the right things happen to put it back together.

 

We really can't fix them you know the most we can hope for is to heal our own spouses and our own hearts and pray God does the rest.

Midnight your story is important and you are brave for sharing. You are brave for seeking help and you are brave for moving forward with your life.

 

You know, I think you're gonna be just fine.

 

I wanted to "fix" OM. He's broken and I think that if I could've fixed him, he could've fixed me. That sounds crazy, but I really was drawn to him and I think that was one of the main reasons.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow. This really affected me a lot. Are you comfortable about talking more about the issues with intimacy and fear of commitment? I see so many truths in me from those things too. Thank you so much for posting this.

 

I'm comfortable talking about it sure. I just feel like (a) it's not very interesting to read about my issues and (b) I am cautious of people jumping on here and telling me I should divorce my H and go live in a windowless room.

[SeenNotHeard]

But then - why him? So I thought about what was missing in my own marriage (and father) and what attracted me to xmm. Without typing a novel, he gave the impression of being a solid family provider, taking care of things, everything that I never had. I had just declared bankruptcy from credit card debt after supporting my family for 10 years and my husband was just not a partner. So I saw xmm as a strong man in charge of things, someone powerful, and that was attractive because I have never had anyone share my load in life.

 

PS. I am working on my issues with intimacy with my husband and fear of commitment. If I can do it, anyone can.

 

OMG ^ this speaks to me in such a profound way MidnightBlue1980. You have no idea how much your raw reflections hit to the core of many of the same thoughts I identify with. Thank you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

OMG ^ this speaks to me in such a profound way MidnightBlue1980. You have no idea how much your raw reflections hit to the core of many of the same thoughts I identify with. Thank you.

 

I'm glad I could help you. It helps me to write it out.

[deadsoul]

I'm comfortable talking about it sure. I just feel like (a) it's not very interesting to read about my issues and (b) I am cautious of people jumping on here and telling me I should divorce my H and go live in a windowless room.

 

I hear you... well, when I get PM privileges, I'm interested and I won't tell you to divorce your H. I should just pay the premium, but I'm cheap. I only have to wait a week or so more so it's no big deal.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I hear you... well, when I get PM privileges, I'm interested and I won't tell you to divorce your H. I should just pay the premium, but I'm cheap. I only have to wait a week or so more so it's no big deal.

 

Ask me what you want. You don't have to PM me. I seem to help people. I don't mind.

 

I'm not good at relationships. I tend to feel like chains are on - it's definitely gotten better as I've gotten older, I'm 44, but I'm just not good with commitment. I am uncomfortable with emotions. I make stupid jokes when someone is baring their soul.

 

When my H and I have a fight, if I am being attacked, I want to run. I have actually. Literally left. There are times when I think I could really just leave. I keep my passport current just in case. I imagine going to the airport and just disappearing. But I don't because of my kids and my clients. Responsibility. But I think about it.

 

There is a movie - Bread and Tulips - the wife gets left behind at the rest stop in Italy and she vanishes and starts a new life. I think about that. What would it be like? Who would I be?

[Marc878]

Ah, you've discovered affairs are all fantasy based. They are for the most part created in the mind. Now that you look back in reality there was nothing there except what you created or made up.

 

Close?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Ah, you've discovered affairs are all fantasy based. They are for the most part created in the mind. Now that you look back in reality there was nothing there except what you created or made up.

 

Close?

 

Yes. I saw the projection of himself which he wanted me to see, because he wanted to believe it for himself, and I wanted to believe it. It was all fantasy.

 

If you walk around openly dying of thirst, eventually someone will hand you a glass of water.

 

Except maybe it's really a glass of sand.

 

It's all about perspective.

[Jemima1234]

Please continue to update. I can relate so much to your posts and find them so helpful. I am now asking myself the same question - what is it I miss / am going to miss about him? Interesting and time to work through it and see the underlying issues are with me

[Serendipity55]

Me too, they are very inspiring and so helpful. Thank you for sharing.

[Elliebo]

Keep walking....start fresh you can do it.

 

It's familiar grounds that we don't want to walk away from but remind yourself that if he truly wanted this! You! He would be there next to you. X

[HeCantBreakMe]

What is important to remember is that it's not really about these guys. My therapist said that if I didn't address what problems were inside me, it would just be another guy. It's up to us to draw the line.

 

And it's easy when things are good. It's hard when things are bad and you are alone and sad, crying, hating your husband.

 

I'm a changed woman. I'm just not that person anymore.

 

Agreed. I told my husband during one of our honest conversations that I was a train wreck waiting to happen. I was vulnerable and had opened myself up to letting someone else in, shoot i was practically begging for it. XMM just happened to be the one with a little persistence.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's weird to post on my thread from back when.

 

Most people who knew me are long gone, only a few remain. For some reason I wanted to post this on my thread.

 

So I see a lot of really sad people, struggling, unable to let go, wanting to let go but holding on, hanging on, full of fear that they will never get over this...be free...move on.

 

I post a lot that I am feeling better, it's been 6 months NC, 1.5 yrs since it ended. And I am not lying, it is true. However - it is important for people to realize that just like when you are in AA, one sip can trip you up. You only feel better because you are away from your "drug". You can never let your guard down.

 

Tonight I was on FB and looking at groups and I saw xmm's wife in one of the groups - her profile picture has him in it, all smiling and everything. I guess FB thought we were friendly (since I have looked at her profile). I felt that bad feeling which you all are familiar with. But this time I made the conscious decision that I did not want to feel any bad feelings anymore, and I blocked both of them. Now they will never pop up and I can forget they exist. I will never feel bad randomly by chance.

 

THEN - I went to Linked In where we are connected, his wife looks at me occasionally through his profile and you know, it sets me back and I'm sure it not healthy for her. I unlinked us (which if you use LinkedIn, you never break the link, I am linked with my exhusband and we have not spoken in 6 years). I could have blocked him and her but I know she will see I clicked on his profile and that I unlinked him, and I hope it gives her some peace. Two women emotionally distraught over this guy who has no soul for years now. I had resisted unlinking us as ...it was a connection I suppose.

 

Then I tore up his business cards. Not like I was going to refer him business anyway. Another hold on to the past.

 

It was a huge moment for me.

 

Move on. Don't look back. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Edited June 13, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[GollumsNightmare]

Good for you, Midnight. Good for you. That's a big step.

[deadsoul]

when I was in my A, I remember coming here and reading your posts and everything you went through. One thing I always admired is how you put yourself out faults and all: admitting you still had feelings, even when in R.

 

Know that you helped someone out there. Your experiences, where you were, where you are.

 

You've helped me. You are where I want to be, eventually. You give me hope because I know in time with hard work, I will be there. And I think a lot of us need that hope, especially when it all feels so hopeless sometimes.

 

A step at a time. A day at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

I say those things to myself thousands of times a day.

[MidnightBlue1980]

when I was in my A, I remember coming here and reading your posts and everything you went through. One thing I always admired is how you put yourself out faults and all: admitting you still had feelings, even when in R.

 

Know that you helped someone out there. Your experiences, where you were, where you are.

 

You've helped me. You are where I want to be, eventually. You give me hope because I know in time with hard work, I will be there. And I think a lot of us need that hope, especially when it all feels so hopeless sometimes.

 

A step at a time. A day at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

I say those things to myself thousands of times a day.

 

Thank you DealSoul, it takes a long time. I've lost 2 years of my life to this and the actual A was only 5 months. It really is the most self destructive thing a person can do, get into an affair. The first hurdle was all the feelings I had for him and the pain at being discarded and used, then of course my marriage, all that entailed. The 3rd part was feeling back to normal, forgiving myself, letting go of the anger, humiliation, hatred, self pity, self loathing and that feeling like someone did you wrong, got away with it and there were no consequences. The immense pain for which there is no escape except sleep and death.

 

I used to sit in my kitchen and cut my wrists with a knife, just many tiny cuts, daring myself to just do it. You just think you will never get out of it, never feel better, never move on.

 

But now I find pleasure in small things, for the first time in years, nail polish, walking outside, friends, television, reading. At the same time I am forever changed. But I'm definitely getting better.

 

It is truly like a mental illness.

[Jemima1234]

Midnight - thanks so much for the update. I have followed you from the start and I love reading your update. I can so relate to the pain you felt initially. You are so right -it's exactly like AA or a drug or something - as soon as you even remotely go there again it's so dangerous. Taking pleasure in little things is so important too. I dream of being where you are. Thanks for updating

[donbar]

I also totally understand the unbelievable pain. And just when you think you are getting stronger a trigger event happens. Good luck to you, I use you as a source of strength.