Finally ending it 100%

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hey Blue, I understand too the "wasted time" sentiment....as I put things back together, and go back to how it was "before", I realize from time to time how much of my life she consumed.

 

I foolishly gave her more money (without her asking) but that got me nowhere, her store was robbed a few moths ago to add to the drama, although she wasn't there I touched base to see if she was ok. Honestly it couldn't have happened to a better group of *******s, but still. Went to her new rent house a few weeks ago and tried to get her to come out and talk and she refused and was real bitchy over text, stupid on my part I know. Went NC again after, then literally this Monday, on the way into work, she wrecked her car and I was right behind her as she was stopped waiting to pull over on the shoulder....I didn't stop, texted her later that day to see how she was, no response, then next day she posts on Facebook that she's in a "relationship" with an ******* that works in the home store in the home city....

 

Same MO, same bull**** she did with me, I didn't read the flags, the signs but she's done this for years at every job she goes to....so I was just another sucker to fall for it....so in the end, even though we've made bad choices and are liars too, THEY are liars as well....any addiction (love for them) has more down side than up....hang in there and give it time, I'm doing the same.

 

I'm sorry Out. Ugh.....what a story. These people, they do just move on to the next victim. We are just things to them. I guess at least there is hope for us as we see our patterns whereas they either don't or don't care.

 

The time thing is huge, yes. It's been 18 months now of my life which I have lost to this and my H says it will be another 6 till I am out of it, since the last 12 didn't count, since I was seeing him weekly. When I look backwards, there is a line drawn in time - before the affair and during/after the affair. The time before the affair is sunny in its childlike simplicity and naive view of life. The time during and after is shaded in partial darkness due to him, like a dark cloud over it all. At this point I can't remember what it's like to just feel normal and enjoy a simple life. Meanwhile time marches on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I just read Only When It Rains thread and it looked very therapeutic to post so much.

 

I post a lot and probably look so wise and strong but I'm really not. I'm majorly struggling over him leaving the group. There are two more meetings and I have arranged to have someone substitute for me, so I will effectively never see him again. I saw him this past Tuesday but I just left at the end because he had freaked me out about his wife being in the parking lot watching me the week before. He would not think anything of it as I'm pretty sure he is not even thinking about me at all and he thinks he will just see me next week.

 

But he won't. And once it's done, I can't ever contact him at all. He's completely monitored from every angle. And it's not that I want to contact him, it's the knowledge that I can't, that it's out of my control entirely. He's said that he would reach out once she calms down but I know he won't, it's been long over and he will be focused on his own life. He's made it clear this year how little I ever meant to him.

 

This guy is perhaps one of the worst guys I have read about here, and I read all your threads, and yet actively choosing to not see him and no goodbye, knowing that's it then, it will be as if he is dead - fills me with fear.

 

What if in December instead of peace I feel regret that I did not say goodbye? I'm all strong now because it is in the future. This is my only chance. I can never get it back. What if I am making a mistake.

 

On the flip side, will saying goodbye really make me feel better? How will I feel as I watch him drive away, knowing I will never see or speak to him again? Do I want to do that to myself?

 

Which one is worse?

 

I am so tired of living in this hell for so long.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue...in my opinion, neither is going to make you feel better....your going to feel just as you feel regardless because that's how you feel....I know that sounds corny, maybe, but that's how I perceive what I'm going through right now as well....the memories compete in my mind for attention everyday, some worse than others, constantly playing back her words, the way she was and made me feel....I've been painfully aware this last year that whomever I knew all those years is buried and gone....washed away in self doubt, ****ty attitude and alcohol, some desperate need she has to be just like her father, worthless and alone even though she cant keep off her back with whatever shmuck falls into her trap even while she says she just wants to be "her and her kids", yea, lol.....

 

repair and take care of your heart, suffer the moment and the moment will pass....a new season is coming for you and all of us, take comfort in that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue...in my opinion, neither is going to make you feel better....your going to feel just as you feel regardless because that's how you feel....I know that sounds corny, maybe, but that's how I perceive what I'm going through right now as well....the memories compete in my mind for attention everyday, some worse than others, constantly playing back her words, the way she was and made me feel....I've been painfully aware this last year that whomever I knew all those years is buried and gone....washed away in self doubt, ****ty attitude and alcohol, some desperate need she has to be just like her father, worthless and alone even though she cant keep off her back with whatever shmuck falls into her trap even while she says she just wants to be "her and her kids", yea, lol.....

 

repair and take care of your heart, suffer the moment and the moment will pass....a new season is coming for you and all of us, take comfort in that.

 

Thank you Out. I would go further to say that the people we knew are not buried and gone so much as they only existed in our minds. We created them. Your xOW and my xmm don't sound like good people.

 

My H has said that if xmm was hanging off a cliff, he would push him off and not because of the obvious but because of the way he treated me this year.

 

So why are we stuck on people who are so cruel and terrible to us?

 

No answer.

[spideywoman]

My H has said that if xmm was hanging off a cliff, he would push him off and not because of the obvious but because of the way he treated me this year.

 

totally random post but i felt the need to say it. your husband sounds like a nice guy at heart. mature. it must be both awkward and refreshing to be able to talk to him about xmm.

 

from what i can tell you're very strong, MB. we all have moments of temporary weakness. one foot in front of the other. 2017 will be YOUR year, remember?

 

hugs.

[Outofmysystem]

Thank you Out. I would go further to say that the people we knew are not buried and gone so much as they only existed in our minds. We created them. Your xOW and my xmm don't sound like good people.

 

My H has said that if xmm was hanging off a cliff, he would push him off and not because of the obvious but because of the way he treated me this year.

 

So why are we stuck on people who are so cruel and terrible to us?

 

No answer.

 

 

Created is exactly the word that describes them.....in my case it was literal.....she came in one way, and I changed her for the better (because I have taste, style and class) put her on a pedestal.....I even talked her into getting braces which did wonders for her self esteem.....showered her in expensive gifts, bla, bla, bla......what a ****ing mess.....

 

I'm with your H, I'd push too....

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you. I have learned a lot from here. I got a bunch of emails from him asking me not to leave, promising friendship and respect, saying he was not sure if he was happy at home, how "extremely difficult" it was for him to see me because of his feelings. I said how he should want me to leave (I am sure his wife would be happy) and he asked me to not leave and stay.

 

If I didn't post here, I'd probably think it meant something, but I know it's a bunch of bull crap. He said have a good weekend and I said - have a good weekend - with your wife. You know - the woman you live with and wanted to be with?

 

I mean, he is there. Nothing is going to change. I'm not going to be his friend or his affair partner again, and I told him that.

 

I feel good about it. It sucks, I won't lie. My H does not want me to necessarily jump ship as money is tight and I will have to lay out about $700 but if I feel it's right, I will do it. If not, I will keep looking and at least I had the opportunity to say my piece to him.

 

He wanted his wife, go be with her. Don't feed me this crap about 'I'm not sure if I am happy." He sure looked happy in her FB profile picture.

 

I have learned now that all he wants to the possibility of sex one day. That's it. It won't be from me.

 

At least I did not "win" him from his wife. I have my own husband drinking on the couch not interested in sex. Who wants a repeat with an older guy? Please.

 

Every word you just said here I have heard in the past week. I know you told me this but there was a huge part of me that wanted to stay to see if things could change. Of course they wont- your story is living proof. I am out of the office until the day i return to put my resignation in. It is going to be hard because i am not walking away from him turning his back on me. I am walking away when he continues to tell me he loves me, wants us, just needs me there to help him through this.. Sorry Charlie.

 

As much as it scares me to leave without another job, I think at this point, I am willing to be uncomfortable and sacrifice that part of me, in order to break free from all of this. I am sure if i told his wife he would end up being the one to leave but I just can't. I believe karma will come around in the end but it wont be me doing the telling.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I just read Only When It Rains thread and it looked very therapeutic to post so much.

 

I post a lot and probably look so wise and strong but I'm really not. I'm majorly struggling over him leaving the group. There are two more meetings and I have arranged to have someone substitute for me, so I will effectively never see him again. I saw him this past Tuesday but I just left at the end because he had freaked me out about his wife being in the parking lot watching me the week before. He would not think anything of it as I'm pretty sure he is not even thinking about me at all and he thinks he will just see me next week.

 

But he won't. And once it's done, I can't ever contact him at all. He's completely monitored from every angle. And it's not that I want to contact him, it's the knowledge that I can't, that it's out of my control entirely. He's said that he would reach out once she calms down but I know he won't, it's been long over and he will be focused on his own life. He's made it clear this year how little I ever meant to him.

 

This guy is perhaps one of the worst guys I have read about here, and I read all your threads, and yet actively choosing to not see him and no goodbye, knowing that's it then, it will be as if he is dead - fills me with fear.

 

What if in December instead of peace I feel regret that I did not say goodbye? I'm all strong now because it is in the future. This is my only chance. I can never get it back. What if I am making a mistake.

 

On the flip side, will saying goodbye really make me feel better? How will I feel as I watch him drive away, knowing I will never see or speak to him again? Do I want to do that to myself?

 

Which one is worse?

 

I am so tired of living in this hell for so long.

 

You appear strong Midnight because you are. You are still here, still alive, still posting and still looking for answers- this is strength. This is possibly one of the hardest things I have ever had to feel and go through. Some days I just want to drive away and never look back - turn my back on everything and start over with life; of course I can't and could never leave my kids but that is the only way I think I could ever get through this and even then would I get him out of my head- probably not.

 

I think God has a way of making things happen when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. If you are not religious you can call it the worlds way of moving things forward. This is your chance - because you have no choice- to move forward and away from him. Even if you weren't the one to close the door it is being closed for you and locked, consider this your out and your chance to climb off the bottom and start looking up.

 

Every time I consider the option to write a goodbye letter to my xMM or think about my last day at my office and what should i say- I remember that I have said everything i could already. Every goodbye i could picture we have probably already said. There is nothing left to say, nothing that makes things easier or soothes the hurt or could possibly change anything.

 

Maybe you and your husband could throw a party- a goodbye xMM party. You could write a letter, seal it, then burn it. Share laughs with your husband and celebrate your future with a man who understands and loves you. Talk about the plans you will have together for 2017 and remember that xMM could never offer those to you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You appear strong Midnight because you are. You are still here, still alive, still posting and still looking for answers- this is strength. This is possibly one of the hardest things I have ever had to feel and go through. Some days I just want to drive away and never look back - turn my back on everything and start over with life; of course I can't and could never leave my kids but that is the only way I think I could ever get through this and even then would I get him out of my head- probably not.

 

I think God has a way of making things happen when we don't have the strength to do it ourselves. If you are not religious you can call it the worlds way of moving things forward. This is your chance - because you have no choice- to move forward and away from him. Even if you weren't the one to close the door it is being closed for you and locked, consider this your out and your chance to climb off the bottom and start looking up.

 

Every time I consider the option to write a goodbye letter to my xMM or think about my last day at my office and what should i say- I remember that I have said everything i could already. Every goodbye i could picture we have probably already said. There is nothing left to say, nothing that makes things easier or soothes the hurt or could possibly change anything.

 

Maybe you and your husband could throw a party- a goodbye xMM party. You could write a letter, seal it, then burn it. Share laughs with your husband and celebrate your future with a man who understands and loves you. Talk about the plans you will have together for 2017 and remember that xMM could never offer those to you.

 

Well, my H is very supportive but a party may be a bit much, he does have his limits. But I did talk to him today and asked him if he thought my skipping the last two meetings showed weakness and he said he had thought about it and first he did not want me to run, but he had reconsidered and with xmm's wife hiding in the parking lot, and the fact xmm carries a weapon. We did not know what might happen in the next two weeks, that maybe removing myself entirely from the situation was not running in this situation, that sometimes it is okay to live to fight another day.

 

So no goodbyes. I'm going to try and close the book on this chapter of my life. He was a really bad guy. He does not deserve a goodbye from me anyway. He deserves nothing.

 

HCBE, I also wanted to run away. Actually I did in December and I did think about just never going back. But like you said, I have a family, clients and this is my life - and it's your life. Fight for your life. If you don't, who will? God helps those who help themselves.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Every word you just said here I have heard in the past week. I know you told me this but there was a huge part of me that wanted to stay to see if things could change. Of course they wont- your story is living proof. I am out of the office until the day i return to put my resignation in. It is going to be hard because i am not walking away from him turning his back on me. I am walking away when he continues to tell me he loves me, wants us, just needs me there to help him through this.. Sorry Charlie.

 

As much as it scares me to leave without another job, I think at this point, I am willing to be uncomfortable and sacrifice that part of me, in order to break free from all of this. I am sure if i told his wife he would end up being the one to leave but I just can't. I believe karma will come around in the end but it wont be me doing the telling.

 

Karma gets us all in one way or another. Even if she never finds out, the stress will take years off his life. You can't carry a secret like having an affair of this magnitude without it having a negative effect on your health. My grandfather had a woman on the side with a child. He dropped dead at 50 of a massive heart attack. Your body is not set up to handle this type of stress. That's why they say the truth shall set you free.

 

And yes, you need to leave. I still think you should just take any job though. You have a few weeks still.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Created is exactly the word that describes them.....in my case it was literal.....she came in one way, and I changed her for the better (because I have taste, style and class) put her on a pedestal.....I even talked her into getting braces which did wonders for her self esteem.....showered her in expensive gifts, bla, bla, bla......what a ****ing mess.....

 

I'm with your H, I'd push too....

 

I'm sorry. I can feel your pain through the computer. What I wrote to HCBM applies to you too. This stress is not good for you and trust that karma will get this woman in the end.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So I have a sub for tomorrow and next week. I'll never see him again. He doesn't know it yet. He doesn't care though, so what does it matter. It doesn't. So why am I depressed?

Edited November 22, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Onlywhenitrains]

So I have a sub for tomorrow and next week. I'll never see him again. He doesn't know it yet. He doesn't care though, so what does it matter. It doesn't. So why am I depressed?

 

Because, it's still raw. It's another milestone to go through, and hopefully the last one. After this, he should just fade away away in your rear view mirror. It takes removing them completely from your life to start fully and completely healing. This time for good, I hope.

 

MB - you've been through so much! And, you've been handling it with incredible strength! Stay that way!

 

I know by now that ups and downs come and go, and when they come they are overwhelming and unbearable. But, when walking through hell, just keep walking. And, don't loose hope.

[MissG]

So I have a sub for tomorrow and next week. I'll never see him again. He doesn't know it yet. He doesn't care though, so what does it matter. It doesn't. So why am I depressed?

 

Because after that all hope will be gone. It's a tough place to be in.

(((MB)))

[imsosad]

Im so sorry you're feeling low.

I think the finality of it hurts. Putting a final end to it is like saying, this is how it went down, this was it. It can't be changed now, it is what it is.

It's ok to feel you will miss him, to feel like you are experiencing loss. In your mind you know, but emotionally, you're still in the process of getting over everything that's happened to you.

Don't fight yourself, whatever you think or feel is fine.

I hope you feel better very soon (())

[HeCantBreakMe]

So I have a sub for tomorrow and next week. I'll never see him again. He doesn't know it yet. He doesn't care though, so what does it matter. It doesn't. So why am I depressed?

 

I have had a lot happen over the past week. Most of it bad and most of it I want to kick myself for- but it was the finale of this at least for me and I have no more doubts about leaving my job (running away is a better term and that is okay by me).. The understanding is that in no way can you continue working around this person and heal and in no way will any additional words or actions change the way you feel. What you feel is okay - you are ending something and shutting the door. Doubts and sadness , regrets , hurts, anger, all of those things are expected and the depression is okay (for now). I have to believe it won't last forever.

 

I feel like we are in much the same place and just know someone here (me) believes in you and thinks you are strong even when you feel weak.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I have had a lot happen over the past week. Most of it bad and most of it I want to kick myself for- but it was the finale of this at least for me and I have no more doubts about leaving my job (running away is a better term and that is okay by me).. The understanding is that in no way can you continue working around this person and heal and in no way will any additional words or actions change the way you feel. What you feel is okay - you are ending something and shutting the door. Doubts and sadness , regrets , hurts, anger, all of those things are expected and the depression is okay (for now). I have to believe it won't last forever.

 

I feel like we are in much the same place and just know someone here (me) believes in you and thinks you are strong even when you feel weak.

 

Awe, thank you. Don't feel like you are running away. It's just a job. My situation was different as it is not a job exactly but I still was ready to throw in the towel and leave. It's amazing it turned around I got to stay and he has to leave, but I WAS going to leave. There is something to be said for your mental health and living to fight another day.

 

Looking back I am not sure it was worth it. I did not run, I stayed and fought but the cost was high. My H said I'm not the same, that he stole my light. I have a friend who said the same. I'm changed. These things, they rob your soul.

[Outofmysystem]

"These, things, they rob your soul"....interesting point Blue.....I don't think they actually do, but I do think they rob you of something, and what's funny (and this may be the case with most, don't know?) you don't even realize it till it's over.....or at least I didn't.....

 

That said, every other aspect of my life is blessed, so I really shouldn't worry about that .0001% that she took.

[MidnightBlue1980]

"These, things, they rob your soul"....interesting point Blue.....I don't think they actually do, but I do think they rob you of something, and what's funny (and this may be the case with most, don't know?) you don't even realize it till it's over.....or at least I didn't.....

 

That said, every other aspect of my life is blessed, so I really shouldn't worry about that .0001% that she took.

 

I feel like my innocence is gone, that belief that marriage is forever, good people don't cheat, etc. I also have major trust issues. It's one thing to lie to a woman in a bar you just met, it's another purposely target someone you know for years and use that trust against them.

 

I feel changed in that I can now easily spot other people with that doe like glow about them, Bambi in the woods. I used to be like that. Naive. Stupid. Trusting. I now think everyone has an angle and I don't really believe people in general unless I see that aura of innocence around them.

 

But I do agree with the .0001%. I have a lot to be thankful for - starting with that I did not end up with him.

 

I'm not mad anymore as karma got him. And not because of the cheating, we all did that. But the arrogance, laughing and lying (to quote George from Seinfeld, if anyone gets that). And I will be honest. His life is a pile of sh*t and I am happy about it.

 

See, innocence lost.

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, I'm right there with you.....I got a "karma" payback too seeing her smash up her car, the one that the "new" boyfriend I'm sure talked her into because she is so shallow and fake, she follows what ever the next swinging dick says (and bosses for that matter).....she wasn't hurt by the way, I wouldn't wish that though. Also the store (and the complex as a whole, the place I was going to work at with her again before the management and I fell out) is so dead that the original opening team is just down to the salon director, assistant (who is a huge *******) her, and one salesperson, lol.....couldn't have happened to a more deserving set of pompous, plastic, egotistical group of *******s. The owner is paying huge amounts of rent and over head, and has also had to recruit on my turf, with friends that I know and all of them are turning him down, lol.....it just gets better and better.

 

Glad you are getting payback as well....her life is a pile of **** too and it is satisfying I have to agree.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm the proverbial 40 year old at the college bar.

 

I no longer recognize any of the names here, the stories...I feel I can't relate. The idea of xMM being my soulmate, this great guy, my true love....can't relate. I looked at my posts from when I joined in January and just about all the names are gone. I hope they moved on and are happy and not back in their affairs.

 

Tomorrow is the last day for xmm at our meeting. I did not show last week and I won't show tomorrow. This all definitely ends with a very anti-climatic ending. "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."

 

It's like waiting for someone to die or go to the electric chair, how all the people stand around watching the death and finally breathe a sigh of relief, whew, it's over, now I can move on.

 

So I guess it's finally over. Now I can move on. This has been the absolute worst two years of my life. Time wasted I can never get back.

 

This past weekend I went with a bunch of friends and my kids and husband to an amusement park. It was all Santa and lights and families. You know what? I used to make fun of stuff like that. But it was nice. Pretty. Festive. Fun. I did not realize what I had until I almost lost it. And it was there all along.

 

You know, I am reading a whole lot of posts about whether we can settle for friends, being the other woman, will he leave her and so on. When did it happen that we became okay with settling for bread crumbs instead of the whole loaf of bread? We are worth the whole loaf of bread.

 

I'm not sure what value I can add here anymore. I do like this site, but I can't help anymore. I am probably more on the other board now (guess I "graduated"). If you don't see me here, it means I am okay. People who were with me on my journey, feel free to PM me, or I will see you on the other side...

Edited November 29, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[Outofmysystem]

Blue, I hope you don't go just yet....I enjoy your posts as I feel we are at the same place.....but I understand if you are not getting the same value from here you once did.

 

Since my X is already swinging from another dick 2 months after her divorce, my whole 6 years looks just like a giant mind **** with me as the punchline....especially since this shmuck works with her too....granted, he's in another city at the main store, but again, same MO as the **** she did with me.

 

So I'm right with you on the "waste of time", if I could carve out the last bit of memory of her I would be complete....

 

By the way, I liked your "spectacular" comment in the other thread....I laughed

 

Also, glad you enjoyed the family festive outing.....that's a positive.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Blue, I hope you don't go just yet....I enjoy your posts as I feel we are at the same place.....but I understand if you are not getting the same value from here you once did.

 

Since my X is already swinging from another dick 2 months after her divorce, my whole 6 years looks just like a giant mind **** with me as the punchline....especially since this shmuck works with her too....granted, he's in another city at the main store, but again, same MO as the **** she did with me.

 

So I'm right with you on the "waste of time", if I could carve out the last bit of memory of her I would be complete....

 

By the way, I liked your "spectacular" comment in the other thread....I laughed

 

Also, glad you enjoyed the family festive outing.....that's a positive.

 

I'm not gone, just nothing to add here. You can find me over on the infidelity board, I do read the posts here a bit.

 

I have to ask you though, she is divorced. Available. What would you want, I mean you are still married. Do you want to leave and be with her? There is no reason to lie to me, I'm a stranger on the internet. What do you really want?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I'm the proverbial 40 year old at the college bar.

 

I no longer recognize any of the names here, the stories...I feel I can't relate. The idea of xMM being my soulmate, this great guy, my true love....can't relate. I looked at my posts from when I joined in January and just about all the names are gone. I hope they moved on and are happy and not back in their affairs.

 

Tomorrow is the last day for xmm at our meeting. I did not show last week and I won't show tomorrow. This all definitely ends with a very anti-climatic ending. "Not with a bang, but with a whimper."

 

It's like waiting for someone to die or go to the electric chair, how all the people stand around watching the death and finally breathe a sigh of relief, whew, it's over, now I can move on.

 

So I guess it's finally over. Now I can move on. This has been the absolute worst two years of my life. Time wasted I can never get back.

 

This past weekend I went with a bunch of friends and my kids and husband to an amusement park. It was all Santa and lights and families. You know what? I used to make fun of stuff like that. But it was nice. Pretty. Festive. Fun. I did not realize what I had until I almost lost it. And it was there all along.

 

You know, I am reading a whole lot of posts about whether we can settle for friends, being the other woman, will he leave her and so on. When did it happen that we became okay with settling for bread crumbs instead of the whole loaf of bread? We are worth the whole loaf of bread.

 

I'm not sure what value I can add here anymore. I do like this site, but I can't help anymore. I am probably more on the other board now (guess I "graduated"). If you don't see me here, it means I am okay. People who were with me on my journey, feel free to PM me, or I will see you on the other side...

 

Your post made me smile last night when i read it. I know you have been through so much this past year and i still think you have a long way to go but you are getting there Midnight. You are picking up the pieces and you are moving forward. I cannot tell you happy I am for you and hope that so many of us on here, will follow suit soon as well.

 

Midnight- I think you have reached the acceptance stage .. Good for you and good for you for realizing what you have and all you stood to lose.

 

Here is my (((((hug))))) to you, my high 5, and me tipping back the bottle of wine. - and a happy dance because i like those.

[Chica80]

OUT

 

Haven't seen you in a while....

 

I often wonder about you from our other thread. And I ask the same thing as MB...She ended it but you never went after her. You were and are married.

 

MB I feel the same way as you. I'm glad for you. Glad that it's finally over. Glad that he will be gone from your life and that you can take the time to enjoy your family.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong!