Finally ending it 100%

[DKT3]

Chica, I kinda disagree with the notion that a cheater deserves better. Here is how I see it, you started this relationship by lying and deception if you get lies and deception in return then it's more karmic then injust. Why do you view yourself as deserving better than you give?

 

It's like a criminal crying that they don't deserve jail time.

[Chica80]

Well, it's mixed up for me because I had to suffer a lot of lies and harassment this year from him. Unlike some of the posters who just never see the person again, I had to deal with the carnage for a whole year. Now of course this was my choice to stay there, and I'm not sure it was the right decision in hindsight, there are pros and cons to how I played it out.

 

But my feelings are not really about the fact that he did not want to leave his wife last year and was only interested in an affair, because after all, he said that upfront. I am aware it was me who spun it in my mind and because he said he loved me, I thought.....things had changed in his mind. But they hadn't and that was all me, because frankly I never was able to handle a casual sexual relationship. I get very attached, fast, and I should have remembered that about myself, but after 10 years of marriage, you just forget. So it was me that changed the rules and the expectations, not him. He was content to be in our marriages and have a LTA, he literally told me in the beginning that it was what he had been looking for the last 5 years.

 

But - he really should not have love bombed me to get what he wanted, that was not nice, he obviously did exactly what DKG3 said, and I think he is a real a*shole.

 

I'm not rug sweeping. 2016 was horrible. He was obnoxious, boasting to me about how he lied to his wife in MC, feeding me all these lies all year, one after the other. Then refusing to leave me alone, tormenting me to the extent where he was ccing other people to try and force me to respond. Coming right up to me even when I asked, please leave me alone.

 

But what really pissed me off was how he would laugh about how stupid his wife was and how of course she did not know the truth and he lied to her, and then got pissed at me for not wanting to be friends. So now that she knows the entire story - since the dumba*s put it in writing (such arrogance) - I'm really not mad anymore. Yes, he did use me but I allowed it. But he got his.

 

I do think the people who get into these things are all the same to varying degrees. They all have unaddressed issues and lack of boundaries. Both genders. Obviously not all people are the same. But since you mentioned my H, his xOW hates his guts. Now he was not sociopathic like xmm but he lovebombed her. He actually ran into her the same day I saw xmm for the last time. She turned her back on him and he ignored her and walked by her. She ran out of the store and drove away. I said, that is really immature, you are the bad guy here, you could have been an adult and just said hello. But he said - I hate her forever.

 

So maybe I should say all these affairs are the same to varying degrees. 99% of the time everyone gets hurt. Someone feels used. This is just my opinion.

 

I may be in a dark place, I am not sure. Or maybe I just see things a lot more clearly than I did before. I do not hate men at all, not even xmm. I like men. Men are great. I have a lot of male business friends and clients. I have a good male friend and I have a son. But I am just not so stupid anymore.

 

No I totally get what you are saying. I do not disagree with you. At all, what he did to you what he said to you. How he lied about reconciliation and bragged about it to you.

 

I was just saying not all men are the same not all women are the same not all A or marraiges for that matter are the same.

 

Yes everyone gets hurt that is the truth. No matter what side you are on. You can't classify one persons pain against another. Because it's individual to that person.

[Chica80]

Chica, I kinda disagree with the notion that a cheater deserves better. Here is how I see it, you started this relationship by lying and deception if you get lies and deception in return then it's more karmic then injust. Why do you view yourself as deserving better than you give?

 

It's like a criminal crying that they don't deserve jail time.

 

Yes I know your pov, I still stick to mine

[MidnightBlue1980]

I decided to update my own thread. Looking for some opinions.

 

So my xmm works for his BIL and SIL's company. It is the reason he was in our group, to get business for it. His BS works there too. After BS found out the truth finally about our A which ended a year ago, she pulled him out of our group a month ago. Things have been quiet since then. I've peeked at their social media and its the family pictures as profile pics, so I assumed they were doing what xmm told me - working on things, etc.

 

Today I got a Linked In request from xmm's SIL. I thought it was a different person with the same name as the profession said what I am, not the company they all work for. I thought it was just a coincidence. So I accepted it. She had already looked at me so I looked at her. Turns out it is the same person, turns out in addition to running the company where xmm works, she also has a private practice in the same field as I do. We have a ton of mutual connections on Linked In (including xmm) and 27 mutual friends on FB. I have no idea how this is possible.

 

xMM told me that they were keeping it quiet as he would lose his job if her family knew. But who knows, right? Maybe she told them. But would the SIL really then ask to be connected with me? For what purpose?

 

Of course I am totally overthinking it, assuming the worst. The woman runs two businesses and has over 500 connections. She probably could care less that her husband's sister's husband (mm) slept with someone in 2015, right? Or is it some big plot to destroy me?

 

Ok yes I am crazy.

[whichwayisup]

I don't understand why you'd add someone who knows exMM, especially from sister in law. Delete her, there's absolutely no point in having her on your friends list.

 

NC is NC and that includes relatives of his!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't understand why you'd add someone who knows exMM, especially from sister in law. Delete her, there's absolutely no point in having her on your friends list.

 

NC is NC and that includes relatives of his!

 

I didn't know it was the same person.

[gettingstronger]

I decided to update my own thread. Looking for some opinions.

 

So my xmm works for his BIL and SIL's company. It is the reason he was in our group, to get business for it. His BS works there too. After BS found out the truth finally about our A which ended a year ago, she pulled him out of our group a month ago. Things have been quiet since then. I've peeked at their social media and its the family pictures as profile pics, so I assumed they were doing what xmm told me - working on things, etc.

 

Today I got a Linked In request from xmm's SIL. I thought it was a different person with the same name as the profession said what I am, not the company they all work for. I thought it was just a coincidence. So I accepted it. She had already looked at me so I looked at her. Turns out it is the same person, turns out in addition to running the company where xmm works, she also has a private practice in the same field as I do. We have a ton of mutual connections on Linked In (including xmm) and 27 mutual friends on FB. I have no idea how this is possible.

 

xMM told me that they were keeping it quiet as he would lose his job if her family knew. But who knows, right? Maybe she told them. But would the SIL really then ask to be connected with me? For what purpose?

 

Of course I am totally overthinking it, assuming the worst. The woman runs two businesses and has over 500 connections. She probably could care less that her husband's sister's husband (mm) slept with someone in 2015, right? Or is it some big plot to destroy me?

 

Ok yes I am crazy.

 

You came up as a possible connection because of the related title and she hit connect. Now that you know who she is, delete. If she has over 500 connections, she won't even notice. The BS will probably get a so and so is now connected to you on her news feed. Since they're not disclosing, she probably won't say anything, but unconnecting will reduce the possibility of drama.

 

No, it's not a plot to ruin you. It's the logarithm of Linkedin.

[FortyandForlorn]

I think you're overthinking it. It's weird, though, that you have so many friends and colleagues in common without knowing. Depending on how you use social media, it could mean nothing. It could be purely professional. I wouldn't friend on Facebook.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think you're overthinking it. It's weird, though, that you have so many friends and colleagues in common without knowing. Depending on how you use social media, it could mean nothing. It could be purely professional. I wouldn't friend on Facebook.

 

I use social media for marketing, so it's not that strange considering each of us have 700 contacts on Linked In but it was jarring. I've never met her so I doubt she would send me a FB friend request but I wouldn't accept. Besides the obvious, we are competitors.

 

It does make you realize with these things. It really does grow legs.

[imsosad]

MB, it is not a plot to destroy you.

She is a professional. Is she really going to drag her business in to her SIL marital issues?

You are having a catastrophic thought cycle. Your thoughts are scary, not reality.

Delete her.

It's going to be alright.

It's just your thoughts.

[Foreverago]

You said you're competition? That's actually probably it. It more than likely has zero to do with your A, and more to do about scoping out her competitors.

 

I'm not familiar with Linkedin, but does it show the 700 contacts you have if you are connected? She might be going through someone's list and added you that way or wanting your list to get more contacts.

 

That's what I'd believe, especially if they aren't telling anyone. I know I personally have zero interest or curiosity in my brothers sex partners (gag) and wouldn't go seek out anyone if he were a cheater. Or my husband's siblings partners either. But business? You better believe I'd be all over that if my job had a lot to do with networking.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You said you're competition? That's actually probably it. It more than likely has zero to do with your A, and more to do about scoping out her competitors.

 

I'm not familiar with Linkedin, but does it show the 700 contacts you have if you are connected? She might be going through someone's list and added you that way or wanting your list to get more contacts.

 

That's what I'd believe, especially if they aren't telling anyone. I know I personally have zero interest or curiosity in my brothers sex partners (gag) and wouldn't go seek out anyone if he were a cheater. Or my husband's siblings partners either. But business? You better believe I'd be all over that if my job had a lot to do with networking.

 

I had no idea the SIL had a practice like I did. I can barely get to the gym and she is running a big business (where xmm and BS work), running a professional practice, kids and running marathons. She is a go getter so you are probably right (definitely nothing like mm or BS).

 

I won this contest for being the best (profession) last year in our county and yes, she can now see my 700 contacts, many are clients. I just thought, so what? Its linked in. I didn't think of it frm a professional aspect, only a personal.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You said you're competition? That's actually probably it. It more than likely has zero to do with your A, and more to do about scoping out her competitors.

 

I'm not familiar with Linkedin, but does it show the 700 contacts you have if you are connected? She might be going through someone's list and added you that way or wanting your list to get more contacts.

 

That's what I'd believe, especially if they aren't telling anyone. I know I personally have zero interest or curiosity in my brothers sex partners (gag) and wouldn't go seek out anyone if he were a cheater. Or my husband's siblings partners either. But business? You better believe I'd be all over that if my job had a lot to do with networking.

 

Alright, you made a good point. Who knows what is up her sleeve but she's deleted and blocked on both Linked In and FB. The last thing I need is more drama in 2017.

[jennifernyc84]

MIdnight

 

Take the opportunity to get away from him and fly away.

 

Best thing that could happen to you.

 

Poppy.

 

I agree with this.

 

I could not imagine the horror of seeing him daily and acting like everything is fine. Must have been total hell for you.

 

I think the distance will be great for you. There are 2 theories.

 

I used to strongly believe in "absence makes the heart grow fonder",

 

But I'm strongly beginning to endorse "out of sight, out of mind" more and more these days.

 

You've been such a great help to me. If you ever feel like you need to talk, please, feel free. I'm all ears.

 

Good luck, blue.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree with this.

 

I could not imagine the horror of seeing him daily and acting like everything is fine. Must have been total hell for you.

 

I think the distance will be great for you. There are 2 theories.

 

I used to strongly believe in "absence makes the heart grow fonder",

 

But I'm strongly beginning to endorse "out of sight, out of mind" more and more these days.

 

You've been such a great help to me. If you ever feel like you need to talk, please, feel free. I'm all ears.

 

Good luck, blue.

 

Thank you. The distance has been wonderful. It's been a month now since I've seen or heard from him.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder may be the case in a normal long distance relationship where the other person is a good person to you.

 

In this situation, out of site, out of mind is happening. I find myself thinking about the way, way back times, before it happened (we knew each other for years) and the very beginning. I'm processing a lot, how I got here and so on. No crying in a couple of weeks. It feels pretty far away. My experience with guys that were no good is I get over it in a couple of months without contact.

[ladydesigner]

You came up as a possible connection because of the related title and she hit connect. Now that you know who she is, delete. If she has over 500 connections, she won't even notice. The BS will probably get a so and so is now connected to you on her news feed. Since they're not disclosing, she probably won't say anything, but unconnecting will reduce the possibility of drama.

 

No, it's not a plot to ruin you. It's the logarithm of Linkedin.

 

^^^^This^^^^

[aileD]

I decided to update my own thread. Looking for some opinions.

 

So my xmm works for his BIL and SIL's company. It is the reason he was in our group, to get business for it. His BS works there too. After BS found out the truth finally about our A which ended a year ago, she pulled him out of our group a month ago. Things have been quiet since then. I've peeked at their social media and its the family pictures as profile pics, so I assumed they were doing what xmm told me - working on things, etc.

 

Today I got a Linked In request from xmm's SIL. I thought it was a different person with the same name as the profession said what I am, not the company they all work for. I thought it was just a coincidence. So I accepted it. She had already looked at me so I looked at her. Turns out it is the same person, turns out in addition to running the company where xmm works, she also has a private practice in the same field as I do. We have a ton of mutual connections on Linked In (including xmm) and 27 mutual friends on FB. I have no idea how this is possible.

 

xMM told me that they were keeping it quiet as he would lose his job if her family knew. But who knows, right? Maybe she told them. But would the SIL really then ask to be connected with me? For what purpose?

 

Of course I am totally overthinking it, assuming the worst. The woman runs two businesses and has over 500 connections. She probably could care less that her husband's sister's husband (mm) slept with someone in 2015, right? Or is it some big plot to destroy me?

 

Ok yes I am crazy.

 

Ow sister added me on Snapchat as a friend, I sent a message asking her why she did that and she apologized...she is starting a makeup business and just added all her contacts and what not and since I had spoken with her in the past, I was on the list. We deleted each other, no problem.

 

Stuff like that is gonna happen in this day and age. It's just. Pin ice cream. Delete and move on and don't waste your energy on it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've been reading your stories.

 

So one of my longtime clients is forming a partnership, rented office space in this cheap dumpy place (his words) and arranged a meeting for me to meet his new partners. The meeting was Friday, yesterday morning. I go to the address and go inside this make-shift house office place. The Secretary looks familiar but I've never been here before, it's not even the same area my client lives. I ask for my client and she is puzzled, saying there is no one here by that name. While she is looking at her computer, I'm looking at a few stacks of business cards on her desk. I'm puzzled as the company name is the same as xmm. I'm like, hmmm...that is odd, what would xmm company cards be doing in my client's new place?

 

Then like one of those nightmares where you realize you are totally naked or you missed the big exam, I realize in a moment of pure horror that somehow, I'm in his company and any minute he or his wife could walk by. It's a totally different address - no sign outfront or anywhere - but the cards, somehow I am in the company. I completely panic and say I must had the wrong address and just leave. I'm outside, my client won't answer his phone. The secretary comes out and say no, "(your client) is in there, he's upstairs".

 

She brings me back in and there is xmm at the front desk, waiting for me. Obviously the secretary recognized me from the big company where he is supposed to be working and got him. We both just stare at each other in complete shock, I'm shaking like a leaf. (and yes, this is all in front of the secretary). Finally xmm says he will walk me to where my client is. So we walk in complete silence there. I think I tried to make a stupid joke about boy, this is a weird coincidence, but he never said anything. It was obvious he never expected to see me again and here I am, worse I'm now connected to his company's tenants.

 

I can't say much as to why he was so shell shocked, he definitely was not the cocky guy who said goodbye to me in November, that was for sure. I have no idea why he and the secretary were there, whether it was just for the day or he has been relocated from the main company and his big office to this Siberia weird location by his wife. Since we did not talk, I do not know. But I like to think his wife took his office as he used to make her sit on a chair and work on the other side of his desk.

 

So he brought me to my client who shouted my name and the new partners all were excited to meet me, shaking my hand and all. I guess xmm walked away and went back downstairs, I turned my back to him so I don't really know but he was gone. It was pretty traumatic for me and the worst possible way for me to meet a bunch of new people.

 

I'm better today. I like to think, if he is indeed working there daily, that he will be in a panic, never knowing if I will come through the door again. You just can't make this stuff up. I googled the address and the company did not move, there is nothing online connecting the company to this address except a random FB post from 2014.

 

How is that for random? It's a total setback for me but I am trying to find some positive reason this happened.

Edited February 4, 2017 by MidnightBlue1980

[SeenNotHeard]

MidnightBlue I can't even imagine the utter shock you felt when you had your light bulb moment and realized the xmm could be nearby. Then to come face to face with him ouch the added stress. Sounds like you made the best of the situation and didn't let it consume you. Life is too strange sometimes. Glad you bounced back today. Best.

[deadsoul]

Well, since I've finally broken my lurkdom, I guess I can officially post and comment.

 

Wow, that just feels like Twilight Zone. It sounds like you handled it so well. I'm so glad you're posting again. I think the positive is in how well you handled it.

 

And also love the idea that you could "pop in" at any moment...

Edited February 4, 2017 by deadsoul
added more

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, since I've finally broken my lurkdom, I guess I can officially post and comment.

 

Wow, that just feels like Twilight Zone. It sounds like you handled it so well. I'm so glad you're posting again. I think the positive is in how well you handled it.

 

And also love the idea that you could "pop in" at any moment...

 

LS is a bit addictive and we are typically here because we have addictive personalities.

 

Yea, it was unbelievably horrible. I do wish now I handled it better and not so completely shown my emotions. I mean, we literally stood there saying nothing and just staring at each other for 30 seconds with equal looks of shock. At the time I doubted my sanity and thought that somehow I was in the real company, and all I could think was he would think I had lost my mind and was showing up at his job.

 

I realize now that his wife was not there, she was at the regular company. There was no need for him to come out of his office. The secretary could have brought me there. Obviously he wanted to see me.

 

I thought about it today though and I realized that all this time, I've given him all the power and he knows it. I have been waiting for enough time to pass so my feelings went away so I could move on. But I saw him yesterday and my feelings are all still there. I talked this out with a friend last night who is ending a bad relationship even though he is very distressed and loves the woman, he is doing it because the relationship is toxic to him.

 

I realized that I can do the same. That sometimes it is okay to love someone but still say goodbye, even though it hurts, because the person is not good for you. Because that person will bring you nothing but pain and suffering. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and to actively choose to remain in a suffering state, well why would anyone choose that?

 

It sounds silly, xmm has not contacted me, he is not pursuing me. But I feel like for my own sake, I need to end it in my own head. Because the worst case scenario is him contacting me down the road and I'm still all in my own head over this all.

[whichwayisup]

Wow and wow! You handled that really well.

 

How has your husband handled this? Did you tell him what happened? Is he okay with you possibly having to work with exMM and seeing on occasion?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow and wow! You handled that really well.

 

How has your husband handled this? Did you tell him what happened? Is he okay with you possibly having to work with exMM and seeing on occasion?

 

Little Update - A mutual friend whom I asked to not tell me any news about xMM, told me that the company is indeed moving, that he has been to the new location to see xmm, xmm is my friend's client.

 

I did tell my husband. I texted him that morning. I would not be working with xmm, my client rents space from him. But I would see him.

 

My H works with me - I have my own practice - and my husband does financial services but also helps me with my business, often delivering items when I am done. My husband is more than happy to go to this new location to see my client if I need him to do so.

 

To be honest, I don't want to see xMM and I definitely do not want to see his wife. It's all been quiet, we all have a lot to lose. xMM is obviously working it out with his wife and while he is a POS, I am grateful for her discretion so I will do my best to basically never go there.

[jah526]

 

I did tell my husband. I texted him that morning. I would not be working with xmm, my client rents space from him. But I would see him.

 

My H works with me - I have my own practice - and my husband does financial services but also helps me with my business, often delivering items when I am done. My husband is more than happy to go to this new location to see my client if I need him to do so.

 

This is a great description of everything that an affair is not. The honesty, kindness, willingness to give - that's real love. Welcome back... and I agree about this place being addictive.

[MidnightBlue1980]

So our mutual friend said the move happened before he left, so it was a while ago, in 2016. I saw him weekly but he never mentioned it.

 

It's a feeling that is hard to convey in words, the feeling that you were so insignificant to someone, meant basically nothing to him, that any connection really was all in your mind. Like a bug on a windshield in someone's life. Irrelevant. The particulars don't really matter, sex or no sex, whatever. The point is you thought there was something there, but there wasn't. There never was. It was only ever in your mind.

 

Of course he put it there. For fun. For boredom. For ego. For kicks. For sex. But one day, he was done. And gone. And you were left. Behind. Holding on - to something that never really existed.

 

And then what?