Finally ending it 100%

[jenkins95]

when I was in my A, I remember coming here and reading your posts and everything you went through. One thing I always admired is how you put yourself out faults and all: admitting you still had feelings, even when in R.

 

Know that you helped someone out there. Your experiences, where you were, where you are.

 

You've helped me. You are where I want to be, eventually. You give me hope because I know in time with hard work, I will be there. And I think a lot of us need that hope, especially when it all feels so hopeless sometimes.

 

A step at a time. A day at a time. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

I say those things to myself thousands of times a day.

 

I want to echo this post from deadsoul. There are a handful of names on here, without whom, I wonder how I would have survived at the end of my A back in 2015 - midnight gets on that list every time. Most of those names have now disappearred, but midnight remains - a beacon of support, thank goodness! I have read hundreds of your posts midnight and you have posted to me directly on several occasions, sometimes in the earlier days with a bit of much needed tough love and always with honesty, understanding and support - and such wisdom, based mainly on your own experiences.

 

Your own story is inspirational, you have been to hell and back several times. Your wider story includes marriage, divorce, being a BS, WS, OW, wanting to D your H, eventually deciding on and making a great success of R - you've got the whole set midnight! And you continue to be an inspiration to me and many others. You are nothing if not a survivor - I am glowing with pride for you.

 

Very wise words in your updates. Like a heroin addict who is totally clean, even 5 years later, he could ruin all that in a moment of weakness. The same is true of us "affair addicts". We must remain vigilant at all times, protect ourselves and those that depend on us.

 

I liken myself to you in many ways. I too chose R after an intense affair. My head was all over the place, I had feelings for the OW, I had lost feelings for my W and doubted I could do it. Employing head over heart thinking took monumental dedication - and a lot of support from you guys. But it is so worth it and now we are building an amazing relationship again and I don't regret it for a minute - every time my kids run into my arms when I return from work, I am reminded of how precious my family are and how stupid I was to risk it all. That said, I am still haunted by my experiences and spend a lot of time with the demons in my head processing everything. I have also developed some very unhealthy "comfort" habits - over-eating, drinking and smoking, which helps in the very short term, but is ridiculously damaging in the long term. I will kick these habits with your help! I've come to learn that I have a very addictive personality. Thank heavens that none of my friends had access to drugs as I was growing up!

 

Thank you so much for being there midnight. You are one of my stars!

Edited June 13, 2017 by jenkins95

[Grey Cloud]

I want to echo this post from deadsoul. There are a handful of names on here, without whom, I wonder how I would have survived at the end of my A back in 2015 - midnight gets on that list every time. Most of those names have now disappearred, but midnight remains - a beacon of support, thank goodness! I have read hundreds of your posts midnight and you have posted to me directly on several occasions, sometimes in the earlier days with a bit of much needed tough love and always with honesty, understanding and support - and such wisdom, based mainly on your own experiences.

 

Your own story is inspirational, you have been to hell and back several times. Your wider story includes marriage, divorce, being a BS, WS, OW, wanting to D your H, eventually deciding on and making a great success of R - you've got the whole set midnight! And you continue to be an inspiration to me and many others. You are nothing if not a survivor - I am glowing with pride for you.

 

Very wise words in your updates. Like a heroin addict who is totally clean, even 5 years later, he could ruin all that in a moment of weakness. The same is true of us "affair addicts". We must remain vigilant at all times, protect ourselves and those that depend on us.

 

I liken myself to you in many ways. I too chose R after an intense affair. My head was all over the place, I had feelings for the OW, I had lost feelings for my W and doubted I could do it. Employing head over heart thinking took monumental dedication - and a lot of support from you guys. But it is so worth it and now we are building an amazing relationship again and I don't regret it for a minute - every time my kids run into my arms when I return from work, I am reminded of how precious my family are and how stupid I was to risk it all. That said, I am still haunted by my experiences and spend a lot of time with the demons in my head processing everything. I have also developed some very unhealthy "comfort" habits - over-eating, drinking and smoking, which helps in the very short term, but is ridiculously damaging in the long term. I will kick these habits with your help! I've come to learn that I have a very addictive personality. Thank heavens that none of my friends had access to drugs as I was growing up!

 

Thank you so much for being there midnight. You are one of my stars!

 

Jenkins - it's really wonderful to hear you doing so well! It has been a long journey but I think you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Proud of you!

 

Midnight - I totally agree with you. You can be doing so well and feeling so much better but it doesn't take much to trip you up. I thought I was doing well at the start of this year and I was. But then the last few months I have got easily sucked back into regular contact with my xMM and it has really set me back. It's one step forwards, two steps back for me at the moment. I need to break the cycle and realise how easy it is to fall back into old habits.

[Eight]

I read all of your posts, too and echo the sentiments of others. Thank you.

 

I quit seeing MM and drinking on the same day and I see so many similarities between the two. Each one gave me a high only to be followed by a low and all of the problems still there; unsolved. Me still there. The same.

 

I think back to when MM and I first made contact with each other; how innocent I told myself it was (we were highschool BF/GF). I see now how each step I chose to take took me, my life and my husband down a path of destruction.

 

The enormity of what I am working on repairing in my life; myself, my marriage; I had no idea how incredibly life altering it would be.

 

I should never have gone to "just dinner with an old friend to catch up." I wish I had found this forum before I went the way I did. I wish I had read the stories here before, not after I was already seeing him. I wish I had respected myself, my husband and my marriage more.

 

I've learned some hard lessons in hard ways. I continue to spend much of my time learning why I did what I did. Your posts and others' posts/the advice from then and now; the support; helps immmensely. More than you know probably.

[deadsoul]

Jenkins - it's really wonderful to hear you doing so well! It has been a long journey but I think you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Proud of you!

 

Midnight - I totally agree with you. You can be doing so well and feeling so much better but it doesn't take much to trip you up. I thought I was doing well at the start of this year and I was. But then the last few months I have got easily sucked back into regular contact with my xMM and it has really set me back. It's one step forwards, two steps back for me at the moment. I need to break the cycle and realise how easy it is to fall back into old habits.

 

Grey! You are another one who i read a lot about and the things you said helped me... I'm sorry to hear you are back in contact with him, you were doing so well. Please update more when you can.

[deadsoul]

I want to echo this post from deadsoul. There are a handful of names on here, without whom, I wonder how I would have survived at the end of my A back in 2015 - midnight gets on that list every time. Most of those names have now disappearred, but midnight remains - a beacon of support, thank goodness! I have read hundreds of your posts midnight and you have posted to me directly on several occasions, sometimes in the earlier days with a bit of much needed tough love and always with honesty, understanding and support - and such wisdom, based mainly on your own experiences.

 

Your own story is inspirational, you have been to hell and back several times. Your wider story includes marriage, divorce, being a BS, WS, OW, wanting to D your H, eventually deciding on and making a great success of R - you've got the whole set midnight! And you continue to be an inspiration to me and many others. You are nothing if not a survivor - I am glowing with pride for you.

 

Very wise words in your updates. Like a heroin addict who is totally clean, even 5 years later, he could ruin all that in a moment of weakness. The same is true of us "affair addicts". We must remain vigilant at all times, protect ourselves and those that depend on us.

 

I liken myself to you in many ways. I too chose R after an intense affair. My head was all over the place, I had feelings for the OW, I had lost feelings for my W and doubted I could do it. Employing head over heart thinking took monumental dedication - and a lot of support from you guys. But it is so worth it and now we are building an amazing relationship again and I don't regret it for a minute - every time my kids run into my arms when I return from work, I am reminded of how precious my family are and how stupid I was to risk it all. That said, I am still haunted by my experiences and spend a lot of time with the demons in my head processing everything. I have also developed some very unhealthy "comfort" habits - over-eating, drinking and smoking, which helps in the very short term, but is ridiculously damaging in the long term. I will kick these habits with your help! I've come to learn that I have a very addictive personality. Thank heavens that none of my friends had access to drugs as I was growing up!

 

Thank you so much for being there midnight. You are one of my stars!

 

Jenkins, you are an inspiration to me, if we must toot horns here. I mean, you seem to know exactly what I'm experiencing and you are so empathetic among a lot of judgment (deserved)... but frankly, the judgment doesn't help much... but you laying it out and telling it like it is honestly is very refreshing and helpful.

 

I hope you are able to work on the other habits. I think I also have an addictive personality. I quit drinking and I realized social media was a very unhealthy habit for me as well. I figure if I'm going to work on myself, I might as well give myself a complete overhaul.

[deadsoul]

I read all of your posts, too and echo the sentiments of others. Thank you.

 

I quit seeing MM and drinking on the same day and I see so many similarities between the two. Each one gave me a high only to be followed by a low and all of the problems still there; unsolved. Me still there. The same.

 

I think back to when MM and I first made contact with each other; how innocent I told myself it was (we were highschool BF/GF). I see now how each step I chose to take took me, my life and my husband down a path of destruction.

 

The enormity of what I am working on repairing in my life; myself, my marriage; I had no idea how incredibly life altering it would be.

 

I should never have gone to "just dinner with an old friend to catch up." I wish I had found this forum before I went the way I did. I wish I had read the stories here before, not after I was already seeing him. I wish I had respected myself, my husband and my marriage more.

 

I've learned some hard lessons in hard ways. I continue to spend much of my time learning why I did what I did. Your posts and others' posts/the advice from then and now; the support; helps immmensely. More than you know probably.

 

I was watching that movie Unfaithful yesterday. Bad movie to watch if you're a wayward. But Diane Lane knew the exact moment when it all started and they reenact that scene where she gets into the taxi and drives away, rather than going up to his apartment that day. She knows that exact moment where it began, even when it was nothing. I also know my exact moment... and had I not done this one thing, innocent at the time, but looking back, it was the beginning of it all... I wish I could change my path that day.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Wow, I am touched. Thank you everyone.

 

To what Jenkins said, yes I have also developed some bad habits. I used food and wine as a coping mechanism and stopped going to the gym, buried myself in work and am 10 lbs heavier today than I was last year. I'm trying to get control of that, it's not really an alcohol thing, it's just that addictive behavior thing. Over consumption.

 

And yes, as a few of you said, addictive personalities must be on guard for the same thing happening again. The lot of you are probably attractive so you will attract vultures. I do and I will tell you, the people who would do you harm often come bearing gifts. You can't recognize them as bad for you. They are not typically the smooth player type or the seductress woman, that is movie stuff. They come dressed as ordinary folks and they play on that part of your personality which is weak and craves that feeling of someone needing you, wanting you. It's no accident, these people see it in us. We like to fix people, help them, solve their problems. It sucks us in.

 

I have a lot of rules for myself. For me and most people, it is not the stranger in the bar who is the risk, it is the person who calls themselves your friend. So I am very careful about that. It is forever a risk.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I was watching that movie Unfaithful yesterday. Bad movie to watch if you're a wayward. But Diane Lane knew the exact moment when it all started and they reenact that scene where she gets into the taxi and drives away, rather than going up to his apartment that day. She knows that exact moment where it began, even when it was nothing. I also know my exact moment... and had I not done this one thing, innocent at the time, but looking back, it was the beginning of it all... I wish I could change my path that day.

 

Don't look at it like that. There is nothing special about that guy. If it wasn't him, it would have been some other guy. Trust me. It was just your time. You needed to go through this experience to grow, change and learn. This is not a love story, unless you see it as a love story within yourself. The story of how you learned to live an authentic life - for yourself.

[jah526]

For me and most people, it is not the stranger in the bar who is the risk, it is the person who calls themselves your friend. So I am very careful about that. It is forever a risk.

 

Wow, yes. Mine was forever calling me his best friend. But did he act like a best friend? No, that was just his cover for exploitative and manipulative behavior.

 

I'm curious if the majority of people here are more susceptible to predatory types than the rest of society. And what would cause that? Higher degrees of empathy?

[deadsoul]

Wow, I am touched. Thank you everyone.

 

To what Jenkins said, yes I have also developed some bad habits. I used food and wine as a coping mechanism and stopped going to the gym, buried myself in work and am 10 lbs heavier today than I was last year. I'm trying to get control of that, it's not really an alcohol thing, it's just that addictive behavior thing. Over consumption.

 

And yes, as a few of you said, addictive personalities must be on guard for the same thing happening again. The lot of you are probably attractive so you will attract vultures. I do and I will tell you, the people who would do you harm often come bearing gifts. You can't recognize them as bad for you. They are not typically the smooth player type or the seductress woman, that is movie stuff. They come dressed as ordinary folks and they play on that part of your personality which is weak and craves that feeling of someone needing you, wanting you. It's no accident, these people see it in us. We like to fix people, help them, solve their problems. It sucks us in.

 

I have a lot of rules for myself. For me and most people, it is not the stranger in the bar who is the risk, it is the person who calls themselves your friend. So I am very careful about that. It is forever a risk.

 

I agree. You know, it's interesting, even though none of us have met in real life and we all come from different areas, we all have similar personality traits: addictive personality, obsessive, over-thinkers, sensitive, and empathetic. Maybe some of us have more than others, but I'm really noticing a common thread.

 

I wanted to fix my OM. I wanted to help him and solve his problems. He filled that piece of me that has always felt like it was missing. But I'm learning that no one can fill that piece, but me. I can't depend on others to make me happy and I can't make others happy. I have to find happiness and peace inside and I'm really finding that living in the now helps with that. I try not to think about the past or the future, but am really pushing my brain to focus on right now and finding something good in every moment.

 

(edit... I realized I was replying to something written on another thread. I'm tired... been a long day...)

[BigBlueSky]

I was watching that movie Unfaithful yesterday. Bad movie to watch if you're a wayward. But Diane Lane knew the exact moment when it all started and they reenact that scene where she gets into the taxi and drives away, rather than going up to his apartment that day. She knows that exact moment where it began, even when it was nothing. I also know my exact moment... and had I not done this one thing, innocent at the time, but looking back, it was the beginning of it all... I wish I could change my path that day.

 

MM and I have talked about this, that there have been moments that led us to this that we wished we could take back. It's interesting that some of you knew when the exact moment it was for you. I think that MM and I have had several moments. If only I hadn't talked to you at school, if only I hadn't asked you out for a seemingly innocent coffee, if only... He said that even if certain events or decisions hadn't taken place, our relationship was still inevitable because we were both vulnerable, we were both attracted to each other and we both wanted it to happen. Too bad the destruction and hurt is inevitable too.

[BigBlueSky]

Agreed. I told my husband during one of our honest conversations that I was a train wreck waiting to happen. I was vulnerable and had opened myself up to letting someone else in, shoot i was practically begging for it. XMM just happened to be the one with a little persistence.

 

I'm not sure why but your comment hit me like a ton of bricks... I wonder if that happened to me. Was it inevitable that I had an affair? Could it have been anybody that was persistent enough? That makes me sad. I think my bubble has been burst a little.

[Hope4Healing]

Wow, I am touched. Thank you everyone.

 

To what Jenkins said, yes I have also developed some bad habits. I used food and wine as a coping mechanism and stopped going to the gym, buried myself in work and am 10 lbs heavier today than I was last year. I'm trying to get control of that, it's not really an alcohol thing, it's just that addictive behavior thing. Over consumption.

 

And yes, as a few of you said, addictive personalities must be on guard for the same thing happening again. The lot of you are probably attractive so you will attract vultures. I do and I will tell you, the people who would do you harm often come bearing gifts. You can't recognize them as bad for you. They are not typically the smooth player type or the seductress woman, that is movie stuff. They come dressed as ordinary folks and they play on that part of your personality which is weak and craves that feeling of someone needing you, wanting you. It's no accident, these people see it in us. We like to fix people, help them, solve their problems. It sucks us in.

 

I have a lot of rules for myself. For me and most people, it is not the stranger in the bar who is the risk, it is the person who calls themselves your friend. So I am very careful about that. It is forever a risk.

 

I have been watching this site for awhile and just registered. I can relate to this so much. How do we get it to stop? What am I putting out there that is attracting this? Also, almost opposite of your story, I went overboard at the gym and my diet and got down under my highschool weight. It's not healthy.

[Southern Sun]

Wow, I am touched. Thank you everyone.

 

To what Jenkins said, yes I have also developed some bad habits. I used food and wine as a coping mechanism and stopped going to the gym, buried myself in work and am 10 lbs heavier today than I was last year. I'm trying to get control of that, it's not really an alcohol thing, it's just that addictive behavior thing. Over consumption.

 

And yes, as a few of you said, addictive personalities must be on guard for the same thing happening again. The lot of you are probably attractive so you will attract vultures. I do and I will tell you, the people who would do you harm often come bearing gifts. You can't recognize them as bad for you. They are not typically the smooth player type or the seductress woman, that is movie stuff. They come dressed as ordinary folks and they play on that part of your personality which is weak and craves that feeling of someone needing you, wanting you. It's no accident, these people see it in us. We like to fix people, help them, solve their problems. It sucks us in.

 

I have a lot of rules for myself. For me and most people, it is not the stranger in the bar who is the risk, it is the person who calls themselves your friend. So I am very careful about that. It is forever a risk.

 

You're right about the stranger in the bar thing...that was never my temptation. In fact, this MM was my first affair (though I had a "near miss" some years ago). And he most certainly called himself my friend.

 

The other thing I read that spoke to me was, it's not the person you notice who's a risk; it's the person who notices YOU.

 

Happy to see you're doing well.

[FoundMyStrength]

You're right about the stranger in the bar thing...that was never my temptation. In fact, this MM was my first affair (though I had a "near miss" some years ago). And he most certainly called himself my friend.

 

The other thing I read that spoke to me was, it's not the person you notice who's a risk; it's the person who notices YOU.

 

Happy to see you're doing well.

 

So true, this comment about the danger coming from those who notice you. I've​ often told friends that if my xMM hadn't started staring at me, and with such longing, throughout our work days, I might never have noticed him at all -- at least not in that way.

 

It's not that he wasn't a nice, sweet, likeable guy. He just was kind of unremarkable. Showing his age, a.little sad looking, awkward. But when he looked at me like that, he became the most attractive and dangerous man in the room.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hello everyone! Onlywhenitrains inspired me to update my own thread. I often wonder what happened to other people...

 

I've been here, lurking mostly. I don't have much of a major update to tell other than I feel 100% better. I never saw xmm again, not since seeing him by accident in 2/17 and I made a point to not see that client at his office, so I avoided him. I feel a bit funny calling him xmm as he almost does not seem worthy of that title. I realize now that I gave him and the short "relationship" a lot of importance, much more than it ever really was.

 

Looking backwards, the whole thing seems just crazy. I have no idea why I was in that mental place (mid life crisis?) which made me susceptible to him. I just know I do not feel like that person anymore. Now my problems are more like, we need more milk, and not, should I kill myself today. I intend to keep it that way. I know now that the world is full of married men looking for an affair but it will never be me again. That is for sure.

 

Things are good between my H and myself. It took years but we worked through it all. It almost never comes up and I do not trigger anymore, no panic attacks or anxiety. It's almost as if it never happened or it was another lifetime.

 

Stay strong everyone! There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

[somanymistakes]

Glad to hear things are going well for you!

[jah526]

Glad to know you are doing so well! What is it with these married affair seekers? Don’t they know how much pain they inflict? Or do they know and just not care? It seems very predatory to me.

[imsosad]

Thank you for the update.

It's great to read how well you're doing and how you got yourself back on track.

Wishing you the very best.

[Onlywhenitrains]

I’m so happy to hear that you are doing well, Midnight!!!

 

There is the light at the end of tunnel, indeed!

 

Stay strong!