I do but I don't

[Moco]

So I’m in sort of a mess right now. The OM I have fallen for is a married to one of my good friends, our families are friends and our children are friends we have a group of friends who all hang out together. I accidentally sent him a DM a few months ago telling him how I feel. His response was he was never unfaithful to his wife and can’t jeopardize their relationship and our kids are friends and my husband is a good guy…all reasons I completely agree with.

 

The problem is when we are together the eye contact between us tells a completely different story. We are always gravitating toward each when we hang out. A few weeks ago he made a comment that led me to believe he is changing his mind about how he feels about the situation. I in turn listed basically all the same reasons he did for why this can’t happen between us. The problem is it did nothing to ease the sexual tension between us…and now that I know he most likely wants the same thing I just can’t stop thinking about him and I count the days until I can see him again.

 

I love my husband our marriage is not on shaky ground and we have a pretty normal sex life. But this connection between this OM and myself is so strong I just don’t know how to get over it which I really want to do but our paths cross all the time and that isn’t about to change anytime soon. Help!!

Edited October 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HeCantBreakMe]

Take a time out! You are in a position so many of us on this board would give our right leg to go back and be in- you are standing on the edge of a cliff and you still have the ability to choose to jump or not jump- DON"T JUMP. I heard in one of my podcasts today that affairs are basically like taking a grenade to your soul.

 

STOP what you are doing now and read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. I would also recommend telling your husband you are having these feelings. Please recognize what is going on and stop this before it starts. AND read the stories on this board.

 

Read the stories on here about women who are on antidepressants, who have lost their husbands , their sanity, losing their hair, lost friends and family - are struggling to get out of bed each day, be a parent to their kids, can't eat, cant' sleep, can't stop crying ALL because they had an affair with a Married Man- who in the end they lost too. If you want to choose the path of pain and suffering then jump off that cliff but if you want to keep your dignity and sanity in tact find a way to get out of this.

Edited October 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[sandylee1]

You know this isn't a good thing.

You know it is harmful to your marriage

You know this is harmful to your children

You know this is harmful to their children

You know this is harmful to your friendship with his wife

 

Knowing all this .... why did you send him that message?

 

It sounds very clearly that you wanted him to have an affair with you. How can you do this to a good friend?

 

Affairs involving family friends and kids are very dangerous.

 

Do you want your children to be told they can't play with their friends anymore, because mommy had sex with Tommy's daddy? Or that mommy did a bad thing?

Because anything else would be lying to them.

 

You're an adult.

You can control your actions, even if you can't control your desire for this man.

 

Your actions have pretty much disrespected your husband and your friend.

 

Real true friends don't do that. They just don't.

 

He really should have told his wife about your message, but he's trying to keep it from her.

 

How would you feel if she confronted you about it? And threatened to tell your husband?

 

How would you feel if he divorced you as a result? Because I'd divorce my husband if he did that.

Would it be worth it?

 

Step back and be the wife, mother and friend to be proud of. Not the one where his kids say "Daddy doesn't live with us because he kissed Moco and mommy is sad"

[Whoknew30]

He's telling you no but stares at you...just bc someone wants to have sex with you, doesn't mean they really are going to cross that boundary & since you haven't slept with him, I don't understand why you would even be thinking like that.

 

One of my H best friends told me he loved me but he couldn't & wouldn't ever cross the line bc he loved my H. Feelings don't matter, actions do!

 

I never understood crossing the "friend" boundary...IMO it's the lowest form of cheating bc you're seeing the whole marriage & family...it's more understandable when the AP is getting lies & has no idea what's going on in the WS home but you, you around it & still don't care...I honestly think you need counseling. He told you no & you're still pushing bc of a "look"...of course he's going to "mess" with you bc he gets his ego stroked without having to do anything & if it comes out he can completely blame it on you. How you gonna face your circle of friends if that happens?

 

You'll be discarded like yesterday's trash! Is it worth it? Can't mess with the "group" & come out ok.

[BTDT2012]

The OM I have fallen for is a married to one of my good friends, our families are friends and our children are friends we have a group of friends who all hang out together.

 

Nothing good will come of this. You will lose a friend, and you will be the bad guy and the outcast. Leave that man alone.

[Ahurtgirl]

Please, I am seriously begging you to stop the contact you have with him for your own sake. If I could go back in time to the moment you are in right now and have walked away, I would in a heart beat. Please do not allow anything to develop between the two of you. It only will cause you so much pain and sorrow in the future.

[Friskyone4u]

Moco,

 

You are asking for help but I do not believe you really want it.

 

You have analyzed the right situation regarding consequences, you are saying there is no problem in your marriage and you love your husband, and yet you are here looking for some kind of approval to continue on this slope you are headed on.

 

i doubt if anyone responding to you is going to encourage you to not get hold of your hormones and stop communicating with this man before you blow up your entire life.

 

unfortunately, most of the time here the advice is ignored.

 

it's real simple. Either you cut the crap out or be prepared for your world to explode. no one who cheats thinks they will get caught but most do get caught.

 

You are encouraging him and you know it.

 

And if you were really serious about wanting help the best help you could get is to confess what is going on to your husband so you get a good idea what will happen if you carry it further. Your husbands anger and reaction may jolt you back into the real world, but it will also probably be something you will not do because that will end your opportunity to keep your 'thing' going.

 

Not what you want to hear i am sure. Sorry

Edited October 21, 2016 by Friskyone4u

[notmyselfnow]

I accidentally sent him a DM a few months ago telling him how I feel.

 

How do you accidentally send a message detailing how you feel? Take responsibility for yourself. You meant to send that message, and if you have an affair, it doesn't just happen, you chose it. And make no mistake - it will end horribly. There is no other outcome.

 

It's good you're here before making a move. Think long and hard about how you want your life to be, and think long and hard about your children.

[aileD]

I think you are not looking hard enough at what the reality will be. All the things you listed are correct but the lust and fantasy and fiction are clouding it all.

 

Please take the time to read people's stories here. This is the reality of affairs.

 

Your reality is going to most likely look something like this:

 

You and him indulge. The sex is amazing (it always is in fantasyland), you start to meet up more often. You start lying to your husband and your friend and your group of friends. It gets more intense. You think you can't live without him.

 

Then someone finds out. Your husband....his wife...or god forbid your friend group or kids.

 

Then everyone knows. You become seen as a dirty opportunist with low morals. The Wh word , and Sl word will be thrown around, you'll be the talk of the friend group and town. Your husband will be devastated. Your friend-the wife- will hate you, and your entire friend group will side with your husband and the MM's wife and you will lose all those friendships.

 

If your kids are teens, they'll find out and lose respect for you. They'll see you as the reason their family is broken up. They will be embarrassed, ashamed, and lose their friends (the mms kids) too. All through none of their fault. All their pain and their embarrassment will be YOUR FAULT because of your selfish actions.

 

Your husband will most likely divorce you. Or he may chose to work it out in which case you have about 5 years to make it work and you'll never be the same to him as you were before. You'll have to make a whole new set of friends because you won't be able to be around the old group after you and MM caused all that drama.

 

H's family will hate you, and if you stay together holidays with them will be full of shame for you. Your family will be embarrased at what you did to your husband and children and you will be talk of the town.

 

Your fantasy lustful fling with this MM will be completely cut off because he's never going to leave his wife for you. His first email response is one you have to read between the lines on. Sad thing about affairs---most MM don't leave their wives when their affair is found out, but most betrayed husbands don't stay with their cheating wives .

 

Should we talk about divorce? I'm guessing you probably don't want one because you said earlier you and H have a decent relationship. You may not have a choice though. Your kids will grow up in separate homes.Your kids will cry because all they want is their family together. You will only see them every other Christmas possibly. All their important milestones might have to be shared separately. They might have to change schools due to finances. They could be ripped away from their friends, home, family, and security all because of your fantasy desires. Your husband may remarry and now your kids will have another woman being their stepmom for half the week.

 

All because you have a schoolgirl crush. That's all it is. Do you want to throw your life away for a schoolgirl crush?

 

Grow up, like someone else said---take a time out to get your head together and come down from the clouds into reality.

 

Read everyone's horrible stories here. That will be you if you don't snap out of it.

 

Please please take another look at things.

 

Also- you can't make excuses. That email was not an accident. You out the words together and hit the send button. It's. Or like you tripped and fell and your phone accidentally typed out a whole big email about your feelings and sent it to him. Siri doesn't even hate me that much lol.

 

You were testing the waters....very dangerous territory.

[imsosad]

You are on the very brink of destroying your life.

It may seem exciting and romantic now, but it won't feel that way for long.

Ok, so you guys are attracted to each other. Im sure it has happened to you before. The reason it seems so intense is because it's so forbidden.

You both have good marriages. Do you want to destroy two marriages,hurt your husband, your friends and all the children?

A more likely scenerio,that comes up here over and over, is that you'll fall in love with him, your relationship with your husband will go to hell, he wont leave his wife, his relationship.with her will be just fine. You will hurt, spend your days in turmoil, feel used and helpless. In a few months you'll reread this post and wish you had a time machine to go back and listen to us.

You are looking fir trouble.

Tell your husband immediately. Tell him you feel attraction towards this guy, tell him you made eye contact and that the conversation between you went in that direction. Once you tell him, the secret will lose its appeal, and your energy will be spent working through this with your husband.

If you're thinking of harmless fun, some fantasy and magic to enhance your normal routine,you couldnt be more wrong. Read five random threads,begining to end and then reconsider.

Be smart.

[stillafool]

The only reason he is looking at you that way is now he knows you want to have sex with him so his mind can't help but go there to. He loves his wife (your so called friend) and doesn't want to wreck his marriage. Stop with the looks and if you can stay away from him before you ruin everyone's lives (especially the kids). Take responsibility for what you are doing and stop it.

[Jersey born raised]

A things true worth is what we are willing to pay for it, endure for it, and in your case force others to endure and pay for it. The price is high here.

 

This is not a "pug and play" where you switch out one man for another. You bring him into your life you bring him into YOUR husband's childrens life.

 

A lot of aspects of love come into marriage are involved, including empathy. If that is lost, the marriage is dead. You have lost empathy the marriage is dead.

 

You are looking for a "fix". You think you will gain and strengthen a connection with him by becoming sexual with him. The old saw a woman gives sex to get and maintain a connection seems present here. If the belief that a connection is there turns out to be false the desire for intimacy becomes an overwhelming sense of loss and betrayal.

 

You are already in an EA before it becomes a PA make a decision and act on divorcing your husband. Do not be a coward.

 

Oh, you husband knows something is amiss. He and your children are feeling your disconnection. If he was posting on the infidelity board most likely he would say he suspects something but you would never do anything like that when others suggest you are in an EA and want it to become a PA.

 

As to OM, he is loving the free ego strokes: OH YEA WHO IS THE MAN ! That is all you will ever be to him.

[Moco]

How do you accidentally send a message detailing how you feel? Take responsibility for yourself. You meant to send that message, and if you have an affair, it doesn't just happen, you chose it. And make no mistake - it will end horribly. There is no other outcome.

 

It's good you're here before making a move. Think long and hard about how you want your life to be, and think long and hard about your children.

 

 

 

Your probably right I wouldn't have been typing the message if I didn't want him to see it but....I always would delete them before sending them. That particular day the phone fell from my hand and as I went to catch it I hit the send button so that's how it was an accident. But truth be told I should have never been composing the message to begin with.

[Moco]

Moco,

 

You are asking for help but I do not believe you really want it.

 

You have analyzed the right situation regarding consequences, you are saying there is no problem in your marriage and you love your husband, and yet you are here looking for some kind of approval to continue on this slope you are headed on.

 

i doubt if anyone responding to you is going to encourage you to not get hold of your hormones and stop communicating with this man before you blow up your entire life.

 

unfortunately, most of the time here the advice is ignored.

 

it's real simple. Either you cut the crap out or be prepared for your world to explode. no one who cheats thinks they will get caught but most do get caught.

 

You are encouraging him and you know it.

 

And if you were really serious about wanting help the best help you could get is to confess what is going on to your husband so you get a good idea what will happen if you carry it further. Your husbands anger and reaction may jolt you back into the real world, but it will also probably be something you will not do because that will end your opportunity to keep your 'thing' going.

 

Not what you want to hear i am sure. Sorry

 

 

Honestly this is exactly what I wanted to hear and why I chose to post on this board.....everything you say is correct. I just need to dig deep and get over this thing...I feel horrible for the things that I have said to the OM already and your absolutely correct when you say I am encouraging him I guess I just like the attention he is giving me husband I have been together for a very long time and things are a long way from new and exciting. But this surely isn't the way to fix that! Thanks for your words!

[getsmartie]

Give your head a shake! How can you be sooooo selfish!!!??!!!

[Moco]

Take a time out! You are in a position so many of us on this board would give our right leg to go back and be in- you are standing on the edge of a cliff and you still have the ability to choose to jump or not jump- DON"T JUMP. I heard in one of my podcasts today that affairs are basically like taking a grenade to your soul.

 

STOP what you are doing now and read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. I would also recommend telling your husband you are having these feelings. Please recognize what is going on and stop this before it starts. AND read the stories on this board.

 

Read the stories on here about women who are on antidepressants, who have lost their husbands , their sanity, losing their hair, lost friends and family - are struggling to get out of bed each day, be a parent to their kids, can't eat, cant' sleep, can't stop crying ALL because they had an affair with a Married Man- who in the end they lost too. If you want to choose the path of pain and suffering then jump off that cliff but if you want to keep your dignity and sanity in tact find a way to get out of this.

 

Thank you I needed to hear this I have thought about the cliff analogy in the last few weeks. I don't want to jump and ruin a lot of people's lives. The messages on here have helped me to start thinking really hard but what the hell I'm doing!

[ladydesigner]

How do you accidentally send a message detailing how you feel? Take responsibility for yourself. You meant to send that message, and if you have an affair, it doesn't just happen, you chose it. And make no mistake - it will end horribly. There is no other outcome.

 

It's good you're here before making a move. Think long and hard about how you want your life to be, and think long and hard about your children.

 

I agree with this ^ the message was sent as an attempt to start an A.

 

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, it is a great book and really goes into how A's progress from the slippery slope and on.

 

It is good you posted before setting off the nuke

[heartwhole]

The first thing you need to do is take ownership of your actions. Nobody accidentally types up a message to a person's actual account. By framing it this way you are making it seem like this is something that happened to you rather than something you chose to do every step of the way. No excuses.

 

Imagine it was his wife and your husband doing this. How would you feel?

 

I highly recommend Not Just Friends too.

[Moco]

I agree you are correct I should have never been typing that message to begin with however I did intend to delete it but the phone slipped and it sent hence the accident. But I agree I should never have been in the position in the first place!

[heartwhole]

I agree you are correct I should have never been typing that message to begin with however I did intend to delete it but the phone slipped and it sent hence the accident. But I agree I should never have been in the position in the first place!

 

The grass is greenest where you water it. You chose to fantasize about confessing your feelings to him. You chose to invest time and energy into finding just the right way to do so. Even if you had done this in a journal or Word document instead of the email/app that was open to his contact, you are still choosing to invest in him. And then you keep choosing to let him know that's exactly what you're doing.

 

If my husband said, oh sorry, I accidentally typed up this love letter and sent it to the OW but I never meant to send it, I would say, seriously Dude? Somehow this makes it better?

 

There is an opportunity cost to everything. When you spend time daydreaming about the OM, you are not thinking about how to excel at your job, or making plans with girlfriends, or going to the gym, or planning things for your children, or communicating sweetly with your husband, etc. You can take ownership of how you channel your energy so that you don't go down this disastrous road.

 

If you won't end it for your husband or your friend or the OM, then do it for yourself. Imagine how terrible you will feel if you wind up breaking up one or both of your marriages. Imagine the impact on your children. Imagine how onerous it will be to live with a suspicious, wounded, heartbroken spouse who cannot understand how you would do this. Imagine how embarrassed you will feel when others in your community know. Imagine how you feel when your friend directs her justified wrath at you. Imagine how you will feel when OM picks his wife and throws you under the bus. None of that is worth the cheap thrills of feeling like a teenager again.

[Moco]

Agreed!! The main reason for me posting here was to hear of these horrible things that could happen and to knock some sense in me before it went too far! Thank You for your honesty!!

[Friskyone4u]

Moco

 

Congratulations on apparently coming to your senses.

 

But now comes the hard part and that is acting on undoing what you have started. And if this OM makes any move you have to shut it down very unceremoniously.

 

You have obviously stirred his brain in the head below his waist. That needs to be short circuited and being "coy" or cuter is not the way you do that.

 

This is the first consequence of the road you were headed down. Consider yourself lucky this is all you have to do.

[Sharona21]

I am in a similar situation, so I know what you are going through. I am married for 25 years. I have not needed boundaries or to guard my marriage until recently. My hubby and I have been discussing this for a month. I thought that I could deal with it on my own, but now I think that counseling would be a wise choice. My hubby suggested it and I am going to try it. NC has proven not to erase the feelings and I have realized that I am drawing closer to the edge of regret.

MM and I have the same opinion about affairs, not wanting to be a homewrecker, but our actions are different than our words. I need help, as I realize now that I'm in too deep.

[Birdies]

Avoid him 100%!(even if it means awkwardly bailing on plans) and double down on your focus and attention on your husband. You're on a ledge and if you step forward, you'll blow up your family and friend circle and will utterly devastate the person you've pledged to love and protect in this life. Don't think you're different. Seriously, run the other way and dont look back.

 

If you still can't get him out of your mind, tell your husband and have him help you stay away from this guy. Turn a dangerous secret that you're keeping from him into a unifying force that brings you two closer together.

[Southern Sun]

I am 6 months out of a 2 and 1/2 year long affair and I struggle every day to rebuild the ruins I created.

 

If only...if only.

 

Your friend trusts you. Your husband trusts you. Your children trust you. Don't throw it all away for what will turn out to be enormously destructive to everyone around you, including yourself. And every moment spent in it will be a moment of your life GONE.

 

Stop while you can.