Will changing 19 y/o's geography make her go to school or get a job?

[Mapper71]

So SD just turned 19 this week and isn’t going to school or working. However she was attending school up until this summer. Not only isn’t she going to college, she hasn't completed high school requirements through her Running Start program which should have been completed a year ago, but is still somehow able to take college classes. However, she complains of panic attacks and anxiety as to why she can't go back to school right now. She got a job at Starbucks back in July and within a month quit there because she said everyone had an agenda. I asked her if she still had a couple of high school classes to finish and she replied "Ya know I have to look because last time I talked to them they tried to put me in a different program but I have to talk to them about it". So she really has no clue what classes she needs to take to get her diploma, if she needs a different program, etc. She says she’ll get a job in the winter when she goes back to school. That makes no sense because she is doing nothing right now but still won’t get a job.

 

She lives with her mother and mother’s boyfriend 3 ½ hours away, but I think she comes and goes as she pleases, sleeps at friends’ houses, sits at home all day and watches tv. Well my husband thinks that he needs to convince her to come up and live with us and he can magically put her on the right track and allow her to find herself. Even says that he can probably get her a job working with him at a motorcycle shop even though she was going to school to be a nurse and wants to continue doing that.

 

My opinion is if she doesn’t have the drive down there to do anything that that isn’t going to magically change if she lives here, and I certainly don’t want a 19 year old with no job or school living with us! Any opinions??

[GunslingerRoland]

I think offering a place to live for an adult who isn't going to school and isn't working is the wrong idea. I don't want to dismiss her anxiety, and I think if you have the means, you should try to get her help for that, if she is willing.

 

If not, I think it's time for her to realize that she's an adult, and that life as an adult isn't about sitting around watching TV all day.

 

But all you can do is not enable her yourselves. You can only try to convince the ex to do the same, you can't force it.

 

Also, I'm sorry but nursing is a University Degree, you cannot work towards that without a high school diploma. Are you sure that's what she's really taking and not some sort of medical assistant program?

[JewelD]

It might help if her father can give her the guidance and motivation she needs. She's only 19, far from time to throw in the towel.

[Mapper71]

I think offering a place to live for an adult who isn't going to school and isn't working is the wrong idea. I don't want to dismiss her anxiety, and I think if you have the means, you should try to get her help for that, if she is willing.

 

If not, I think it's time for her to realize that she's an adult, and that life as an adult isn't about sitting around watching TV all day.

 

But all you can do is not enable her yourselves. You can only try to convince the ex to do the same, you can't force it.

 

Also, I'm sorry but nursing is a University Degree, you cannot work towards that without a high school diploma. Are you sure that's what she's really taking and not some sort of medical assistant program?

 

She has told us for a couple of years now that she has anxiety, but seeing as how we only see her a few times a year, we have no idea how true that is. Her mother is a nurse so if anything I would think she would get SD on meds if necessary for it.

 

And she is going for her CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) certificate and was taking classes through the community college for it. She had all these plans of then going to a 4 year state school.

 

Her father is not motivated himself half the time so I don't know how he thinks he's going to make difference! There are so many projects around the house he talks about doing but never does, instead chooses to sit and play his video game for hours on end. He hasn't even been to work for 3 days straight now because he's "sick", yet I see no evidence of that. Every month I can pretty much be guaranteed he's going to take a few days off just because he doesn't feel like going in and he won't get paid for it.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know why you'd go into a nursing assistant program and then go into nursing...

 

If she really wants to be a nurse, she should finish her high school and then go do it... that isn't a normal path to take.

 

It doesn't seem like this girl has any sort of a plan, and the adults in her life, are content to let her go without a plan and support her in floundering around. Doing a bit of school, stopping, taking things you don't need, sounds like she has a perfect plan in place to live at home and not do a whole lot for the next 10-20 years.

 

But it's pretty clear where she gets it from... so maybe they can both quit working and you can support them?

 

Or maybe you can put your foot down on some of this?

[Mapper71]

Well this whole thing with her nursing classes and high school is because she was put in the Running Start program in 10th grade (by her mother who insisted she get on the fast track to graduation--yeah, that worked out well!), where you earn college credits along with h.s. credits and are supposed to come out graduating your senior year with a h.s. diploma and an AA degree and THEN go to a 4 year college. When I asked her if she planned on staying in nursing she said yes, she wants to start as a NICU (Neo Natal Intensive Care) nurse but then specialize in dermatology. Okay those are two totally different areas! And frankly, if she has all this anxiety and panic attacks, I think nursing is probably the last field she wants to be in! She'll be under pressure all the time, having doctors and other nurses yelling at her in tense situations. She couldn't handle working at Starbucks for a month!

 

And I don't know her mother very well, but she went to college later in life to become a nurse and has excelled at it. Probably pushing SD to do the same thing. So seeing as how she lives with her, I would think the mother would be doing a lot more. She certainly was concerned about SD's welfare up until SD turned 18 and no longer got any child support!

Edited October 21, 2016 by Mapper71

[MJJean]

Why is she taking CNA classes? I don't know about where you live, but in my area CNA is a minimum wage job.

[JewelD]

Well this whole thing with her nursing classes and high school is because she was put in the Running Start program in 10th grade (by her mother who insisted she get on the fast track to graduation--yeah, that worked out well!), where you earn college credits along with h.s. credits and are supposed to come out graduating your senior year with a h.s. diploma and an AA degree and THEN go to a 4 year college. When I asked her if she planned on staying in nursing she said yes, she wants to start as a NICU (Neo Natal Intensive Care) nurse but then specialize in dermatology. Okay those are two totally different areas! And frankly, if she has all this anxiety and panic attacks, I think nursing is probably the last field she wants to be in! She'll be under pressure all the time, having doctors and other nurses yelling at her in tense situations. She couldn't handle working at Starbucks for a month!

 

And I don't know her mother very well, but she went to college later in life to become a nurse and has excelled at it. Probably pushing SD to do the same thing. So seeing as how she lives with her, I would think the mother would be doing a lot more. She certainly was concerned about SD's welfare up until SD turned 18 and no longer got any child support!

 

Is her mother still working as a nurse? Perhaps she's busy. As you say, it's quite a stressful job.

 

I also don't think her not liking Starbucks indicates she couldn't be a nurse. Starbucks is a very demanding job for very little pay. I quit after 3 days. But I also work as a college instructor where I utilize some of the same skills as far as being patient and dealing with a heavy workload.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with your stepdaughter? You seem fairly irked by her existence. She's 19 years old. A kid trying to figure it out. I know people who graduated college with no major at all and still have no idea what they want to do.

 

Since she's a part of your family, why don't you help her? You seem to have an idea of what's a bad path and what's a good one, maybe you could be the person, if not her father, to get her started on something.

[SammySammy]

My daughter has a different relationship with me than she has with her mother. I can motivate her and encourage her in ways her mother can't. Mostly because she's a lot like me and I understand her.

 

Yet, you're right in that if she doesn't have a will and desire to succeed on her own she's not going to be successful. All the encouragement in the world can't make a person successful if they are not willing to take guidance and do the work required.

 

It's worth giving your husband and his daughter a shot. With the understanding there will be some productivity and progress. Or you'll be enabling failure like her mother.

[Mapper71]

I am REALLY tired of H trying to convince SD to move up here! She's 19, has expressed no interest in moving up here, she has all her friends down there, she told him when she visited here last month that she has applied at jobs down there. She was here for 3 days and not once was there a discussion about her going back to school or getting a job. The ONLY time it was talked about was about 20 minutes after she arrived and he said to her "So what's up with the job?" and that's when she told him Starbucks didn't work out and she's applying at a few other places and will start working next quarter when she goes back to school. He basically said "That's cool" and then the rest of the time it was all about making sure she was happy. For a month leading up to her visit he was going on to me about how she needs to get her act together and her mother isn't doing her any favors and how she should come up here and get a job, but then doesn't even talk to her about it when she's here.

 

Then last Wednesday, the day after the election, she posts some meme on Facebook. Nothing political, just some animal meme and H responds to it with "That's cute" and then says "So what's your plan to fight back against the recent election?? School is a good start!" to which she replies "Um I already registered so yea I'm sure ill make a good start!" He either didn't see that or just ignored it because then yesterday he kept pinging her on Facebook again. Here's the conversation:

 

H:How are you going to fight back for the next two years? More elections coming then how will you influence that event? Go back to school.

 

No reply from SD.

 

Later on in the afternoon, after he had been on Facebook all afternoon dissing all his friends that voted for Trump (who were getting really agitated with all his political posts) he sends her another message:

 

H:I thought you might enjoy this conversation. Don't get downhearted by the current situation. Become energized and act with courage and truth. Be a part of the next election cycle in two years and work to change things for the better. He ended up sending her this whole Facebook conversation he had with another guy.

 

SD: I know it just was very shocking for me to see how panicked everyone was because I wasn't scared before and then I logged into Facebook and all my friends are freaking out. It just was a bit shocking for me.

 

H: All the more reason to separate yourself from the drama and think towards the future. What do you want?

 

SD:I know I know it just was a bit scary.

 

H: All we have to fear is fear itself. Think about when I wheelied on the motorcycle. It was scary because you didn't understand it.

 

SD:Well yea. But I mean I know it'll be what it'll be.

 

H: True to an extent. But you are able to directly influence this so it turns from "it is what it is" to "It is but it was because I changed it"

 

SD: I know dad.

 

H: Remember that time study we did? Where I asked you to outline how you spend your time?

 

SD: Yes

 

H: Do it again

 

SD: OK

 

H:I know I put some stuff out there that's hard to deal with. But I love you and want you to be a complete human. The place where I work is going to be hiring again soon. You can sell motorcycle clothes.

 

SD: Dad I'm sorry but it's Julie's birthday day and I'm trying to spend time with her.

 

H: Ok have fun.

 

SD: We'll try

 

Has he totally NOT seen that she has posted that she is registered to go back to school? And he thinks having her come up here, leaving her mother, to work with him selling motorcycle clothes is her dream?? Or will set her on the path to independence and glory?? She obviously has no desire to even have that conversation with him. Whats the difference if she's selling motorcycle clothes up here or working at Target down there?

 

And I totally don't understand him with the whole "You need to fight back against the election and the way for you to do that is to leave all your friends, come up here, get away from your mother's grip and work with me"?? Does that make ANY sense to anyone??!!

[GunslingerRoland]

He is acting very strange, I know the election has upset a lot of people but he is obsessed with making her obsessed with it, but then telling her not to worry about it.

 

And yeah, I don't understand him pushing her to move to work retail... BUT I still have big questions about her going back to school. That is where you guys need to press her, find out what she is registered in and where. Because I still have a lot of skepticism that she is actually enrolled in a real program somewhere. She gets very vague whenever you ask her about it. Or maybe that is just you leaving out details.

[Mapper71]

He is acting very strange, I know the election has upset a lot of people but he is obsessed with making her obsessed with it, but then telling her not to worry about it.

 

And yeah, I don't understand him pushing her to move to work retail... BUT I still have big questions about her going back to school. That is where you guys need to press her, find out what she is registered in and where. Because I still have a lot of skepticism that she is actually enrolled in a real program somewhere. She gets very vague whenever you ask her about it. Or maybe that is just you leaving out details.

 

Well he is helping pay for her schooling (or at least was earlier this year) and she sent him receipts with her classes so she was indeed enrolled, and she's enrolled at the community college down there, (and there's still that whole needing to graduate high school yet too!) but he never asks her what classes she's taking or how she's doing in them or even ever really asks her anything about her personal life. I mean it's usually all about movies, or video games or what she wants for Christmas, or when is she going to come up and visit or just plain trying to get her to leave everything down there and come up here and get a new direction....selling motorcycle clothes!!

[GunslingerRoland]

So in other words, he's still paying for her to be in a program that most likely provides zero credits or experience into the actual program she wants to take. And has no accountability to make sure she even goes to the classes or anything.

 

And people wonder why their millennial kids stay at home forever and can't find jobs.

[Mapper71]

So in other words, he's still paying for her to be in a program that most likely provides zero credits or experience into the actual program she wants to take. And has no accountability to make sure she even goes to the classes or anything.

 

And people wonder why their millennial kids stay at home forever and can't find jobs.

 

Well no. She's actually taking nursing classes and classes she needs to take for her AA degree, but she still needs to finish up one or two (SD doesn't appear to even know which classes or how many she needs!) of these required high school courses.

[whichwayisup]

However, she complains of panic attacks and anxiety as to why she can't go back to school right now.

 

You and your husband (her father) need to listen to her. Get her help so this doesn't get worse. She's not happy and is suffering. Have compassion instead of thinking the absolute worst about her.

[whichwayisup]

She has told us for a couple of years now that she has anxiety, but seeing as how we only see her a few times a year, we have no idea how true that is. Her mother is a nurse so if anything I would think she would get SD on meds if necessary for it.

 

And she is going for her CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) certificate and was taking classes through the community college for it. She had all these plans of then going to a 4 year state school.

 

Her father is not motivated himself half the time so I don't know how he thinks he's going to make difference! There are so many projects around the house he talks about doing but never does, instead chooses to sit and play his video game for hours on end. He hasn't even been to work for 3 days straight now because he's "sick", yet I see no evidence of that. Every month I can pretty much be guaranteed he's going to take a few days off just because he doesn't feel like going in and he won't get paid for it.

 

Med aren't the answer. She needs to go talk to a therapist. She has issues, a messed up childhood and parents and yes including you, who aren't putting her first.

[basil67]

Med aren't the answer. She needs to go talk to a therapist. She has issues, a messed up childhood and parents and yes including you, who aren't putting her first.

 

Meds aren't *necessarily* the answer. But there are certainly times when medication is appropriate for anxiety.

[preraph]

Whoever's she's living with needs to tell her that if she's living there, she has to either go to school or work or both. Period. Now, 19 is an age when most of us don't know what we want to do, but any idiot can go get a waitress job until they figure it out and take some courses in between.

[Mapper71]

Well apparently she's going back to school next quarter and she says she's close to getting a job. I snooped on H's Facebook and see she sent him an image of her school bill so he could pay half. A few days later (since he said nothing to me about it) I say "So have you heard from D about whether she is going back to school or not next month?" He shrugs his shoulders and irritably goes "I don't know. I got a bill from her a few days ago" and that was it. He hasn't even asked her what classes she's taking (as they don't list them on the bill). He pushes her (well by pushing I mean in a roundabout way with humor telling her she needs to back to school, while getting all angry around me because she isn't doing anything with her life but won't relay that to her because he doesn't want her to not talk to him!) to get an education and then doesn't seem to give a damn what classes she's taking or where she's going with it. Even when she does take classes he says she should be taking certain other classes or going into the army as a nurse. Keeps saying to me "Oh she'd be a lot different if I had raised her instead". Yeah. You're winning father of the year. All he wants to do is get her away from her mother. Even when she's taking classes he's blaming the mother for pushing her into the nursing field.

[stillafool]

Going into the army sounds like a good idea. She seems like she needs discipline.

[turnera]

Your H seems to have some weird agendas. Personal ones, not ones out of loving his daughter. Whatever the case, stay out of it unless it's to say 'no, she can't move in here.'

[whichwayisup]

Meds aren't *necessarily* the answer. But there are certainly times when medication is appropriate for anxiety.

 

I agree, but too many just go on meds and think the anxiety will go away. Counseling and possibly a med combo could make a difference in this young woman's life.