Every part of me hurts

[confusingme]

( moderator note: previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/598682-i-m-other-woman

 

~6 )

 

 

So I called him today.

 

He's trying his best to save his family.

Though he's happy to hear my voice.

 

I know, and I knew I can never compare myself to his family.

 

He said he'd been thinking about me too but we need to let the time pass.

 

I think men are really good at compartmentalizing.

I can't.

I've lost 6 lbs in the past 2 weeks.

Every time when I try to eat something, my stomach feels like throwing up.

My stomach has to stay hungry/starving, could my mind feel I'm alive.

Literally.

 

I love going to the gym and I didn't stop going there.

I'm doing what makes me happy but it doesn't help.

 

I try to read books, reading helped me moved on last time when my life was on the dark side. But this time, it seems impossible.

I get frustrated when I cannot concentrate.

 

My marriage is still the same, I try to be more fun. But my husband is not interested in anything I do. I try to be needy but he always tells me what he needs to do. (Work/study). It shuts me out! And that was the original problem in my marriage, he's always in his own tunnel. He takes things for granted. He is a good father, but he's never been a caring husband for me.

I almost feel like telling husband everything, and get divorced. But there are so many things I don't want to see them happen. Kids especially. I don't want change. Yes I want my cake and eat it too.

 

This OM, he didn't really do anything special for me, but he made me feel that I'm wanted. And that's all I need. But now my marriage is so cold that it's so hard to keep trying. I know I have read books about saving marriage. but it's just easy said than done.

 

 

I so hope to have someone to talk to at this moment.

I'm just feeling so empty, cold, disappointed, impatient.

Edited October 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Friskyone4u]

You do not want to hear it but one of the reasons you feel so crappy is because you know you are still living a double life but now you do not have the illicit sex and ego kibbles to enable you to justify it to yourself.

 

You are still cheating and you will eventually get caught. If you really wanted to fix yourself you would confess to your husband, let go of the outcome, get into IC, and stop blaming him for your decision to cheat.

 

He is not paying you attention and youre complaining but youre trying to restart your physical affair while you are complaining . Pretty selfish.

 

If you confess he may leave you, but when you get caught that may happen anyway.

 

You can't get over this because you still have this feeling of entitlement. Until you unravel that one you will be miserable.

[HeCantBreakMe]

So I called him today.

 

He's trying his best to save his family.

Though he's happy to hear my voice.

 

I know, and I knew I can never compare myself to his family.

 

He said he'd been thinking about me too but we need to let the time pass.

 

I think men are really good at compartmentalizing.

I can't.

I've lost 6 lbs in the past 2 weeks.

Every time when I try to eat something, my stomach feels like throwing up.

My stomach has to stay hungry/starving, could my mind feel I'm alive.

Literally.

 

I love going to the gym and I didn't stop going there.

I'm doing what makes me happy but it doesn't help.

 

I try to read books, reading helped me moved on last time when my life was on the dark side. But this time, it seems impossible.

I get frustrated when I cannot concentrate.

 

My marriage is still the same, I try to be more fun. But my husband is not interested in anything I do. I try to be needy but he always tells me what he needs to do. (Work/study). It shuts me out! And that was the original problem in my marriage, he's always in his own tunnel. He takes things for granted. He is a good father, but he's never been a caring husband for me.

I almost feel like telling husband everything, and get divorced. But there are so many things I don't want to see them happen. Kids especially. I don't want change. Yes I want my cake and eat it too.

 

This OM, he didn't really do anything special for me, but he made me feel that I'm wanted. And that's all I need. But now my marriage is so cold that it's so hard to keep trying. I know I have read books about saving marriage. but it's just easy said than done.

 

 

I so hope to have someone to talk to at this moment.

I'm just feeling so empty, cold, disappointed, impatient.

 

You are stuck. You can't move on because your life is still the same. I can tell you this- you can put all the effort into your marriage that you want but a month or maybe 2 or 3 months down the road you will be back in the same place in your marriage because you are trying to rebuild something based on dishonesty.

 

You are sitting around waiting for MM to come back to you and you are living in a world of hoping, fantasizing, and future faking yourself into thinking it will happen. You are living your affair in your head right now and that is extremely painful.

 

The only advice i can offer you- if you want to heal and move forward is to be honest to your husband. You won't feel better in the begnning and you will be in for the biggest tornado of your life but if you hold on eventually you will start coming to a place of understandings and healing. I can't say if you will still be married in the end or if your husband will forgive you but eventually you can get to a place where you can start forgiving yourself and figuring out how to live your life for you.

 

I had an affair for a year PA/EA. I gave my heart up to my MM and was ready to walk out the door on my marriage. I thought I didn't want either MM or husband and i was ready to just move on with my life. Came to realize i was walking only because i wanted to be available and ready for MM when he decided to leave his wife. I had tried to end our year long affair so many times and work on my marriage but it never worked because you can't build a marriage on lies. I didn't destroy my husband with the truth i destroyed my husband through the affair- the truth merely gave him the choice and it gave our marriage a chance.

 

I am 8 almost 9 weeks out post DDay and there were times when i asked myself "why the HE** did i tell my husband the truth but that was only in the beginning" The truth was the only thing that saved me (from myself), saved him, and may possibly save our marriage. I kept repeating the quote to myself "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

 

 

Good luck OP.

[confusingme]

You are stuck. You can't move on because your life is still the same. I can tell you this- you can put all the effort into your marriage that you want but a month or maybe 2 or 3 months down the road you will be back in the same place in your marriage because you are trying to rebuild something based on dishonesty.

 

You are sitting around waiting for MM to come back to you and you are living in a world of hoping, fantasizing, and future faking yourself into thinking it will happen. You are living your affair in your head right now and that is extremely painful.

 

The only advice i can offer you- if you want to heal and move forward is to be honest to your husband. You won't feel better in the begnning and you will be in for the biggest tornado of your life but if you hold on eventually you will start coming to a place of understandings and healing. I can't say if you will still be married in the end or if your husband will forgive you but eventually you can get to a place where you can start forgiving yourself and figuring out how to live your life for you.

 

I had an affair for a year PA/EA. I gave my heart up to my MM and was ready to walk out the door on my marriage. I thought I didn't want either MM or husband and i was ready to just move on with my life. Came to realize i was walking only because i wanted to be available and ready for MM when he decided to leave his wife. I had tried to end our year long affair so many times and work on my marriage but it never worked because you can't build a marriage on lies. I didn't destroy my husband with the truth i destroyed my husband through the affair- the truth merely gave him the choice and it gave our marriage a chance.

 

I am 8 almost 9 weeks out post DDay and there were times when i asked myself "why the HE** did i tell my husband the truth but that was only in the beginning" The truth was the only thing that saved me (from myself), saved him, and may possibly save our marriage. I kept repeating the quote to myself "Nothing changes if nothing changes".

 

 

Good luck OP.

 

Thank you HeCantBreakMe, I don't know why but when I read your words, it made me cry.

I so hope that I can move on, I so hope that I can free myself, forgive myself, I so hope that I have the courage to tell my husband.

You are right, I'm stuck.

I don't know what I'm looking for.

I'm so scared of getting caught (if I continue the affair)

Believe me or not, I want to continue the affair, not because of sex or even closeness, it's because I felt the OM was listening to me when I said stuff, no matter what I said, he always responded in a way that I liked. We both felt related. I know it cannot be called love, but I felt at least someone is listening to me. That made my life going.

 

My husband is super smart, he's achieved some career which only a few people in the US can do. But he committed to his career 100%. I know it's not that he doesn't love me or something like that, it's just how he is. Sometimes it's hard to explain people's behaviors. And it's difficult to make people like my husband good at both career and relationship. At least, I'm not that wife who is smart enough to make one.

 

My thoughts are all over the place. I want to go back to the OM, I want to fix my marriage, mostly, I want to save myself. I want to free myself. I want NOT TO rely my happiness on anybody except myself.

But I need courage. It's not that simple that when I move on, when I step out of the affair, I could be happy.

The problem about me is deeper. I'm depressed. My depression is not based on the affair, not the marriage. It's myself.

[sundancekid]

HI, I just joined this site....I had to respond..first of all, I'm a man, but don't let that trip you up!! I'm in the same position you are in, trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage...and ABOUT to embark on a hot affair, butI'm having conflicted feelings......but I cannot believe the uptight, self-righteous people that give advice on this page....wow......I can really empathize with you, it's more than just sex, it's everything...the warmth, the touching, the compassion I don't get at home.....I am a very physical person, and I need that compassion, as I guess you do. I have been married for 20 years, no intimacy for at least 6 years, she just doesn't care for it.....BUT I am not willing to give it all up, either....I have a beautiful life, so what do I do??.....But listen, never, ever tell your husband......your life will be over!!!!...sure, you have conflicting feelings, you are torn, and confused....but divorce is a living hell, I think..not an option......what he doesn't know, won't kill him. You probably feel guilty,...don't. It takes two to tango, and your husband must share the responsibility for this. Having said that, I'm sure you still feel guilty...you know, you should probably see a therapist on your own, at least for your depression...talking it out will help alot, and will help you sort things out...but please, Do NOT listen to these prissies on this site...do OT ever, ever, ever tell your husband. well, now for my problem........today is decision day....OW is waiting for me, first time...should I, shouldn't I??.......anyway, good luck...Sundancekid

[HeCantBreakMe]

Thank you HeCantBreakMe, I don't know why but when I read your words, it made me cry.

I so hope that I can move on, I so hope that I can free myself, forgive myself, I so hope that I have the courage to tell my husband.

You are right, I'm stuck.

I don't know what I'm looking for.

I'm so scared of getting caught (if I continue the affair)

Believe me or not, I want to continue the affair, not because of sex or even closeness, it's because I felt the OM was listening to me when I said stuff, no matter what I said, he always responded in a way that I liked. We both felt related. I know it cannot be called love, but I felt at least someone is listening to me. That made my life going.

 

My husband is super smart, he's achieved some career which only a few people in the US can do. But he committed to his career 100%. I know it's not that he doesn't love me or something like that, it's just how he is. Sometimes it's hard to explain people's behaviors. And it's difficult to make people like my husband good at both career and relationship. At least, I'm not that wife who is smart enough to make one.

 

My thoughts are all over the place. I want to go back to the OM, I want to fix my marriage, mostly, I want to save myself. I want to free myself. I want NOT TO rely my happiness on anybody except myself.

But I need courage. It's not that simple that when I move on, when I step out of the affair, I could be happy.

The problem about me is deeper. I'm depressed. My depression is not based on the affair, not the marriage. It's myself.

 

I understand you on every level of every word you are saying. Every word you said here I have said, every feeling was mine, every pain and every tear you shed- I did as well. Sometimes knowing you are not alone and others have walked the path before you can allow you to find that courage.

[Chica80]

HI, I just joined this site....I had to respond..first of all, I'm a man, but don't let that trip you up!! I'm in the same position you are in, trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage...and ABOUT to embark on a hot affair, butI'm having conflicted feelings......but I cannot believe the uptight, self-righteous people that give advice on this page....wow......I can really empathize with you, it's more than just sex, it's everything...the warmth, the touching, the compassion I don't get at home.....I am a very physical person, and I need that compassion, as I guess you do. I have been married for 20 years, no intimacy for at least 6 years, she just doesn't care for it.....BUT I am not willing to give it all up, either....I have a beautiful life, so what do I do??.....But listen, never, ever tell your husband......your life will be over!!!!...sure, you have conflicting feelings, you are torn, and confused....but divorce is a living hell, I think..not an option......what he doesn't know, won't kill him. You probably feel guilty,...don't. It takes two to tango, and your husband must share the responsibility for this. Having said that, I'm sure you still feel guilty...you know, you should probably see a therapist on your own, at least for your depression...talking it out will help alot, and will help you sort things out...but please, Do NOT listen to these prissies on this site...do OT ever, ever, ever tell your husband. well, now for my problem........today is decision day....OW is waiting for me, first time...should I, shouldn't I??.......anyway, good luck...Sundancekid

 

DON'T DO IT!!!! take the time to read stories on here of those who have been there. You are only going to cause yourself. OW. Your family alot of hurt and pain.

[imperfectangel]

HI, I just joined this site....I had to respond..first of all, I'm a man, but don't let that trip you up!! I'm in the same position you are in, trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage...and ABOUT to embark on a hot affair, butI'm having conflicted feelings......but I cannot believe the uptight, self-righteous people that give advice on this page....wow......I can really empathize with you, it's more than just sex, it's everything...the warmth, the touching, the compassion I don't get at home.....I am a very physical person, and I need that compassion, as I guess you do. I have been married for 20 years, no intimacy for at least 6 years, she just doesn't care for it.....BUT I am not willing to give it all up, either....I have a beautiful life, so what do I do??.....But listen, never, ever tell your husband......your life will be over!!!!...sure, you have conflicting feelings, you are torn, and confused....but divorce is a living hell, I think..not an option......what he doesn't know, won't kill him. You probably feel guilty,...don't. It takes two to tango, and your husband must share the responsibility for this. Having said that, I'm sure you still feel guilty...you know, you should probably see a therapist on your own, at least for your depression...talking it out will help alot, and will help you sort things out...but please, Do NOT listen to these prissies on this site...do OT ever, ever, ever tell your husband. well, now for my problem........today is decision day....OW is waiting for me, first time...should I, shouldn't I??.......anyway, good luck...Sundancekid

 

This has got to be some kind of troll post. If you aren't happy in a relationship and it cannot be saved divorce and move on. Why have an affair in the first place? People get divorced every day. Life goes on, it isn't the end of the world. I saw that to this troll and to OP.

[HeCantBreakMe]

HI, I just joined this site....I had to respond..first of all, I'm a man, but don't let that trip you up!! I'm in the same position you are in, trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage...and ABOUT to embark on a hot affair, butI'm having conflicted feelings......but I cannot believe the uptight, self-righteous people that give advice on this page....wow......I can really empathize with you, it's more than just sex, it's everything...the warmth, the touching, the compassion I don't get at home.....I am a very physical person, and I need that compassion, as I guess you do. I have been married for 20 years, no intimacy for at least 6 years, she just doesn't care for it.....BUT I am not willing to give it all up, either....I have a beautiful life, so what do I do??.....But listen, never, ever tell your husband......your life will be over!!!!...sure, you have conflicting feelings, you are torn, and confused....but divorce is a living hell, I think..not an option......what he doesn't know, won't kill him. You probably feel guilty,...don't. It takes two to tango, and your husband must share the responsibility for this. Having said that, I'm sure you still feel guilty...you know, you should probably see a therapist on your own, at least for your depression...talking it out will help alot, and will help you sort things out...but please, Do NOT listen to these prissies on this site...do OT ever, ever, ever tell your husband. well, now for my problem........today is decision day....OW is waiting for me, first time...should I, shouldn't I??.......anyway, good luck...Sundancekid

 

I actually asked my husband if he wishes i wouldn't have told him and he said never once did he wish i wouldn't have told him. He wishes i didn't have the affair but not once in all of this does he ever wish he wasn't give the truth.

 

Just saying.

[Midlifecrisis1]

confusing...I feel your pain. Every word you typed seems to have come out of my head and my mouth.

 

my husband is also extremely smart, driven, successful. yet not emotionally connected.

 

my xMM was warm, loving, touching, soft. but in the end, he wanted to work on his marriage and keep his family intact. I wish i was as determined as he is.

 

I couldn't find any enjoyment in anything. mentally wasn't even there for my kids. my mind was just on him and how could he choose anything over me? wondering if he was missing me. I lost so much weight. slept and cried all the time. all the time.

 

i stayed in bed and cried all the time. started therapy. after a couple of months, added in antidepressants. i'm better now at 3 months out. not 100%, maybe not even 50%, but better. I don't cry, i laugh a bit more, etc. my thoughts of xMM are still a bit obsessive, but I bring myself back by reminding myself that it's my ego that's hurt. i loved the way he made me feel...but it was nothing so special about him as a person. and if we had each left our spouses, 10 years from now i would probably be dissatisfied with him too. not to mention how ugly and messy divorce with children can get.

 

you need therapy. you need to convince yourself that this was not all about the MM and he's not so special. you need to disentangle from that relationship in order to be able to analyze your marriage objectively and decide if you want to stay or not. but you do not get divorced BECAUSE of MM. he was a symptom, not the cause.

 

I personally will not tell my husband. it's over and done and i'm working on things...my therapist agrees. without xMM, i have time to figure things out. So do you. But I will say...therapy and meds.

[confusingme]

HI, I just joined this site....I had to respond..first of all, I'm a man, but don't let that trip you up!! I'm in the same position you are in, trapped in a sexless, emotionless marriage...and ABOUT to embark on a hot affair, butI'm having conflicted feelings......but I cannot believe the uptight, self-righteous people that give advice on this page....wow......I can really empathize with you, it's more than just sex, it's everything...the warmth, the touching, the compassion I don't get at home.....I am a very physical person, and I need that compassion, as I guess you do. I have been married for 20 years, no intimacy for at least 6 years, she just doesn't care for it.....BUT I am not willing to give it all up, either....I have a beautiful life, so what do I do??.....But listen, never, ever tell your husband......your life will be over!!!!...sure, you have conflicting feelings, you are torn, and confused....but divorce is a living hell, I think..not an option......what he doesn't know, won't kill him. You probably feel guilty,...don't. It takes two to tango, and your husband must share the responsibility for this. Having said that, I'm sure you still feel guilty...you know, you should probably see a therapist on your own, at least for your depression...talking it out will help alot, and will help you sort things out...but please, Do NOT listen to these prissies on this site...do OT ever, ever, ever tell your husband. well, now for my problem........today is decision day....OW is waiting for me, first time...should I, shouldn't I??.......anyway, good luck...Sundancekid

 

Thank you sundancekid.

 

I think the only reason when I decide to tell my husband about everything will be because he doesn't deserve the betrayal no matter what. And I would expect that the marriage/life would end. I'm holding on this, simply because I don't want to lose the good life my husband has provided, financially. I know this is very selfish. And it really doesn't make sense if I blame on him about my own unhappiness...

 

My OM, he came to my life when my husband (and his friends) made me feel like I was worthless. BTW, I'm a foreigner, I don't have any family here except him and our young kids. I felt isolated when my husband told our marriage problems to his friend and his friend criticized me for not being a good wife. (This friend of my husband doesn't even know about me much, he lives in another state, at that time, my view of American people has changed from good to bad just because of his words. They hurt a lot.) He was trying to find a "good" lawyer to help my husband to kick me out of America. My husband was joined the conversation about the this part too, So, although it was not gonna happen that simply, still by knowing these ugly truth totally kills my passion for my marriage, and even life.

 

So when the OM showed up in my life suddenly one week after the big fight between my husband (and his friend) and me. It was easy for me to open my heart to him, when he told me they (husband and his friend) were wrong, when he told me how beautiful I was, when he told me he wanted to make me stronger and stronger, when he gave me all the motivation to move on in this marriage. I just cannot resist it.

 

I cannot call it love, cause this is not about this OM, it is not this person who made me alive again, it is the feeling that he gave me. It could be any man. But it was this specific man did it and I just fell for him completely.

 

 

Today on the phone, he told me he could only give me three hours a week, he asked me if I still want this ? He said I could not ask for more, I couldn't ask for 40 hours, 60 hours a week. Yes, I still want this because my husband cannot give me even 3 happy hours a week, I wish I can give myself full happiness all the time. But how am I gonna do this ?

 

You as the other man, I know you had all those feelings for your OW, but only when thing was at your convenience, right ? Does/Did your wife ever know about your affair ? What if your wife knows ? People on this site saying that the OM only do things when it's at their convenience. I agree. My OM was so into me before his wife found out. After that...I meant nothing to him. I mean, I don't really mind... Though it hurts...

 

Thanks again.

[Jersey born raised]

Confused,

 

Don't think for a second many people here feel your husband is not a lost cause. He most likely is. We are telling you so is the OM.

 

See a lawyer, plan a post divorce life. Yes in many ways it will not be as good. Yes, your husband will be difficult ad abusive. But the pay off will be your sense of self worth and an opportunity to have a real relationship.

[confusingme]

confusing...I feel your pain. Every word you typed seems to have come out of my head and my mouth.

 

my husband is also extremely smart, driven, successful. yet not emotionally connected.

 

my xMM was warm, loving, touching, soft. but in the end, he wanted to work on his marriage and keep his family intact. I wish i was as determined as he is.

 

I couldn't find any enjoyment in anything. mentally wasn't even there for my kids. my mind was just on him and how could he choose anything over me? wondering if he was missing me. I lost so much weight. slept and cried all the time. all the time.

 

i stayed in bed and cried all the time. started therapy. after a couple of months, added in antidepressants. i'm better now at 3 months out. not 100%, maybe not even 50%, but better. I don't cry, i laugh a bit more, etc. my thoughts of xMM are still a bit obsessive, but I bring myself back by reminding myself that it's my ego that's hurt. i loved the way he made me feel...but it was nothing so special about him as a person. and if we had each left our spouses, 10 years from now i would probably be dissatisfied with him too. not to mention how ugly and messy divorce with children can get.

 

you need therapy. you need to convince yourself that this was not all about the MM and he's not so special. you need to disentangle from that relationship in order to be able to analyze your marriage objectively and decide if you want to stay or not. but you do not get divorced BECAUSE of MM. he was a symptom, not the cause.

 

I personally will not tell my husband. it's over and done and i'm working on things...my therapist agrees. without xMM, i have time to figure things out. So do you. But I will say...therapy and meds.

 

 

Hi Midlifecrisis, I feel the same about your words, it just feels like they come out from my mind and mouth too.

 

I cry all the time too, whenever/wherever I come back into my car, the second when I shut the door, I cry, it doesn't matter if I was laughing with my kids' teacher just seconds ago, or talking about the weather happily with the cashiers from my grocery store. That moment when I'm with myself, all I have in my mind is the OM. And I just don't understand how thing has come to this end. (I told my female friend when I was very confusing and just wanted to let things out. then she contacted his wife and told her about the affair, thank god she didn't say anything in details.)

 

I know, I need a therapy, and I'm really considering it. I need to tell my husband about it though, because he goes through all the finance stuff, he will be the one who pays so I have to tell him about it. It would be a shock for him to learn that I want a therapy, because we have been acting like perfect couple in front of most our friends. And he thinks that I'm happy, at least I'm not unhappy with my life.

 

And I cannot agree more that the OM is not anything special, he is not that special person that I love so much that I want to marry him. No I don't feel like staying in any marriage with anybody. If it wasn't for my kids, I'd decided to get divorced before the affair and stay single. So it makes sense too when the OM says he cannot bear to lose his kids, I won't doubt. He either chooses or loses. And I'm glad he's saving his family, he said everything is been better, he's planning vacations for the family.

 

He said he would call me in two weeks, I have a feeling that he still wants me in his life. He just needs this passion, just because he's trying everything to save his life, doesn't mean he's gained the thing he'd been missing in his marriage. He wants to save his marriage just because he doesn't want to lose his kids and he doesn't want himself to be looked bad.

 

On one hand, I really want to move on, just like you have done. I gave in within 2 weeks. I don't have any strength to hold it longer right now. But yes, I really want to free myself and feel the rest of the world. I haven't paid full attention to my kids either...

 

On the other hand, what would I do with him and the affair ? I will still miss the thing I have been missing in my marriage. Stepping out of the affair and leaving him completely will not save my marriage.

 

Maybe I should see the therapy first.

 

What shall I say when he calls me ? I'm so confusing.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Confused, I probably would have accepted crumbs from my XMM if he was less determined to be the good guy. And our affair would have fizzled. I would not be satisfied. You will begin to get jealous.

 

Also, think about how bad it will be for you if your husband finds out. Won't be a pretty divorce. ..he will go for the jugular. And what if MMS wife finds out? Do you think he will be happy with you? You will have become the source of all the misery in his life when he loses his family. Stop now so that you will remain a source of happiness, longing and desire in his thoughts. Maybe one day, if you are both divorced, you can find your way to eachother. ..or find someone available.

[sandylee1]

Confusing,

 

I had one view, then I read the part about your husband and his friend fighting/arguing with you and found that really horrible. He was so wrong to do that and bully you with his friend.

 

There's a way that citizens of a country treat their foreign wives disrespectfully, because they think they don't know the system and they take advantage of them.

 

Tell your husband you aren't happy in the marriage and would like things to improve .... with some marriage counselling. If that's not something he wants, then you will be wanting to seperate.

 

Maybe this will let him know how serious you are.

 

An affair with a MM is just a waste of your time.

[confusingme]

Confused, I probably would have accepted crumbs from my XMM if he was less determined to be the good guy. And our affair would have fizzled. I would not be satisfied. You will begin to get jealous.

 

Also, think about how bad it will be for you if your husband finds out. Won't be a pretty divorce. ..he will go for the jugular. And what if MMS wife finds out? Do you think he will be happy with you? You will have become the source of all the misery in his life when he loses his family. Stop now so that you will remain a source of happiness, longing and desire in his thoughts. Maybe one day, if you are both divorced, you can find your way to eachother. ..or find someone available.

 

 

Midlifecrisis1, thanks again for the points.

Yes, I have thought about it: now his wife found it out, and he left me behind to save his family. I'm fine although I feel being dumped, because my husband doesn't know yet, and everything in my life is still peaceful. I understand if my husband finds out, then the OM would still leave me, he would NEVER be there for me. He would only be there when HE Needs ME.

 

I acknowledged it. And this is the (small part) of the motivation that makes me wanting to move on. However, when everyday boring life happens, when husband gives me ignoring face when I tell him something I think is funny, when he doesn't even look into my eyes when he says "bye" when he leave for work in the morning. My heart will drive me back to the warming words the OM has said and good things he has done for me.

 

It takes time, but how long...Every minute is suffer...

I cannot breath.

It effect my health, emotionally and physically...

[confusingme]

Confusing,

 

I had one view, then I read the part about your husband and his friend fighting/arguing with you and found that really horrible. He was so wrong to do that and bully you with his friend.

 

There's a way that citizens of a country treat their foreign wives disrespectfully, because they think they don't know the system and they take advantage of them.

 

Tell your husband you aren't happy in the marriage and would like things to improve .... with some marriage counselling. If that's not something he wants, then you will be wanting to seperate.

 

Maybe this will let him know how serious you are.

 

An affair with a MM is just a waste of your time.

 

Thank you Sandy, I have told my husband that I had been suffering from depression. I told him I felt sad a lot for no reasons. He was trying to comfort me but also showed his impatience. I cried so hard that night when I was telling him my depressions. I told him I need to see a professional, he agreed and he also agreed that I could use medicines.

 

But later when I showed my frustration on some small things, just like any other arguments, he just started criticizing me again. He said something like "I give you everything and you still not appreciate." "You are doing nothing at home." .

 

When I told him that I don't want to act like that and I'm really suffering from depression. He simply would not listen and lost his patience. He would leave the house for days. staying in a hotel.

 

His reaction makes it hard to fix the marriage. One time I told him we need marriage counselling, he didn't agree. He thinks we don't need it.

 

Basically, he just want me to show my appreciation all the time. Act happy all the time. He can really drive me crazy by talking logically. I'm sick of arguing with him. It will only bring me more frustration.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I'd have to say then that you should get a divorce. If your husband won't get counseling and you have repeatedly tried and are just plain miserable, then get out. But you are setting yourself up for further damage to your self esteem by continuing with this other man who will turn his back on you.

[malvern99]

Is there really a point in going to marriage counseling if you are going to be lying to the counselor and your BS? How can it possibly work? Like anything else in life, you get out what you put in. If you input garbage in, your output will inevitably be garbage. Best of luck to you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My thoughts are all over the place. I want to go back to the OM, I want to fix my marriage, mostly, I want to save myself. I want to free myself. I want NOT TO rely my happiness on anybody except myself.

But I need courage. It's not that simple that when I move on, when I step out of the affair, I could be happy.

The problem about me is deeper. I'm depressed. My depression is not based on the affair, not the marriage. It's myself.

 

Hi there. Yes, this, what you wrote. It's taken me to 44 years of age to realize I am responsible for my own happiness and most likely, an affair is not the route to go. I've tried that, yup. I told my husband and our marriage is better but marriage is marriage, life is life and men are men. You need to adapt and define the things you want and communicate them to your husband. Or find someone new of course but I promise you - it all becomes the same. Unless it is a trainwreck. With a trainwreck, you never know what is about to happen. But a normal relationship? It gets calm. You need to plant your own seeds and decorate your own garden instead of waiting for a man to bring you flowers (stole that).

 

I type this with my husband in the other room with a drink, watching some loud action movie, like most husbands are doing all over the world. He is not really interested in sex as he is tired even though I am sitting in lingerie and took a bath. Sigh. I know xmm was a carbon copy of that except he was never interested in sex with his wife, for years and years. He swears it would be different with me. Probably not. Sigh. It's all the same. This is marriage. And men. And from what I hear, many women.

 

So figure out your own path. What do you want in life? What makes you happy? Then go do it. Maybe you will be an inspiration to your husband.

[confusingme]

Hi there. Yes, this, what you wrote. It's taken me to 44 years of age to realize I am responsible for my own happiness and most likely, an affair is not the route to go. I've tried that, yup. I told my husband and our marriage is better but marriage is marriage, life is life and men are men. You need to adapt and define the things you want and communicate them to your husband. Or find someone new of course but I promise you - it all becomes the same. Unless it is a trainwreck. With a trainwreck, you never know what is about to happen. But a normal relationship? It gets calm. You need to plant your own seeds and decorate your own garden instead of waiting for a man to bring you flowers (stole that).

 

I type this with my husband in the other room with a drink, watching some loud action movie, like most husbands are doing all over the world. He is not really interested in sex as he is tired even though I am sitting in lingerie and took a bath. Sigh. I know xmm was a carbon copy of that except he was never interested in sex with his wife, for years and years. He swears it would be different with me. Probably not. Sigh. It's all the same. This is marriage. And men. And from what I hear, many women.

 

So figure out your own path. What do you want in life? What makes you happy? Then go do it. Maybe you will be an inspiration to your husband.

HI Midnightblue, thank you for your post.

You make me remember that I actually have a dream to pursue, that is my school and future career.

I came to this country without any degree, this is another reason why I'm a housewife.

I have got accepted into a community college and school will start in spring.

I sure do not want it to be ruined before it even starts. Again, without husband's financial support, I would be able to start & finish my school.

I do need to clear my mind.

I've been writing emails to the OM to a fake email account during the NC time. But I'm gradually realizing that he or any other man is not something that I can rely on. They will never be there for me.

But my heart always wins, It's so hard to get over it. I want to see him and talk to him.

[malvern99]

Sorry if this is a t/j. Just a quick word for MB1980. If you haven't already, try this. Stop messing around on the computer and go snuggle up with your husband and watch the movie with him. You may have no interest in the movie he is watching, but that's not the point. The intimate physical touch will do you both good, and who knows where it will lead. Remember, he married you for a reason.

 

I remember my wife used to confuse the f*ck out of me. She seemed convinced I was a mind reader you see. Sometimes men are not as good at picking up hints as women are.

[confusingme]

Correction: without husband's financial support, I would NOT* be able to start & finish my school

[malvern99]

HI Midnightblue, thank you for your post.

You make me remember that I actually have a dream to pursue, that is my school and future career.

I came to this country without any degree, this is another reason why I'm a housewife.

I have got accepted into a community college and school will start in spring.

I sure do not want it to be ruined before it even starts. Again, without husband's financial support, I would be able to start & finish my school.

I do need to clear my mind.

I've been writing emails to the OM to a fake email account during the NC time. But I'm gradually realizing that he or any other man is not something that I can rely on. They will never be there for me.

But my heart always wins, It's so hard to get over it. I want to see him and talk to him.

 

Hi confusing me. I am sorry you are in this situation. I've read your posts and one thing really stands out. I'm not sure you are in love with your BH at all. You seem to see his primary role as a wallet with legs, and let me tell you, that is no way for you to live. Life is too precious to go through it using others only for what they can give you. You are better than that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well, he did say I should go in my office and work, of course its 11pm on a Friday night. I'm not working. I directly asked him about sex and he said no. He was not interested, he said he's 40 now and its all downhill. xmm was 46 and could not even get an erection, so I guess that is my future.

 

But I guess I've read enough of these threads for one night. I can go watch some bad movie. Hey, there is always more wine.

 

 

Sorry if this is a t/j. Just a quick word for MB1980. If you haven't already, try this. Stop messing around on the computer and go snuggle up with your husband and watch the movie with him. You may have no interest in the movie he is watching, but that's not the point. The intimate physical touch will do you both good, and who knows where it will lead. Remember, he married you for a reason.

 

I remember my wife used to confuse the f*ck out of me. She seemed convinced I was a mind reader you see. Sometimes men are not as good at picking up hints as women are.